kipper

HI All,

So over 3 weeks now since I broke up with A Fiance. We have talked a few times and seen eachother also. I have clearly stated that I will talk to him about normal everyday things but not about US. We are no longer. I told him when I broke up with him that when he has been sober for one year than if he is still interested he can try to see where things stand between us. I do believe that no contact is a great way to go, but it is not the way I am doing things right now.

I tried for the first week and I was so physically sick that I resorted to answering his phone call and had a normal conversation. I found this helps me to be able to still talk to my (former?) best friend.

What I am writing about today is that he called yesterday and asked if he could take me out to eat tonight. I said sure if you are paying, call me tomorrow. Well here I go being a codie... I call him today while I am running errands to see what time he wanted to go out. This was at 1pm. He doesn't answer, so messed up me calls again at 1:30. Still no answer. In the last 6 months no answer in the early part of the day means he drank the night before and he feels too hungover and guilty to answer his phone. I am not going to jump to conclusions but I am not going to be niave either. I am pissed and sad. I am lonely and I was excited to have plans for one night this week.

So when he calls do I not answer? Do I ask if he was drinking? Or do I act like everything is ok and still go out to eat tonight?

I feel so messed up. I went to a meeting last night and left feeling good now I am back to feeling like crap. I hate that he doesn't want to be sober! I hate that I spent 5 years with this man and would stay forever if he was sober and working a program. I hate coming in second to a bottle. I hate him for deceiving me for so long and asking me to marry him all the while drinking behind my back.

UGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

IrshIzNotSmilin

Kipper, Hi. Welcome to SR. This is always a hard place to be in. Putting out an ultimatum to someone in my opinion requires you to stay with it. No contact. You may need to re-think your position and what you really want to do? Are you trying al-anon? You wrote" I hate that he doesn't want to be sober! I hate coming in second to the bottle? I hate being deceived for so long" you have your answers. I would give it some space. Asking him about the drinking is being involved in it? It is hurting you? What would you do today for you if you were focusing on you? I wish you all the best today.

StandingStrong

Well, I'm really not sure what the correct thing to do is. But I can tell ya what I think.
I, too, used to have contact with AH about normal things. For awhile, I was still hoping that we'd work things out. So, I've been in your shoes of the contact thing even though so many recommend against it. It will come to you in time whether it's really worth it or not to have that contact. I decided that the price I was paying (w/ my sanity) was just too high, so our relationship has changed.
However...back to you....let me just say that I think that doing what you are doing - you need to have boundaries in place. Not only the list of what you won't accept, but also the consequences. (Took me forever to realize the consequences part of placing boundaries)
I guess I know myself well enough to know that I'd have left a message saying something along the lines of "Well, I was just calling to see if you still wanted to go out. If your home before XXXXX, give me a call". During the time from now to the time I said on the voice mail, I'd take a shower and get ready to go out. If he hasn't called by the alloted time - I'd go out without him. Whether it be by myself or with some girlfriends. Don't spend the whole evening waiting for him to call kipper - I'm sure you've spent way to much time doing that in your relationship with him.
Focus on you and your recovery and go have a good time without him.

mallowcup

I would answer. You really don't know why he didn't return the call. If it is because he is hung over from last night, frankly, that's beyond the scope of your concern. You are having dinner with a friend. Do you call your girlfriends always call you right back? Any conversation about it would fit into the "us" catagory. If he shows up clean, groomed and sober, where he was last night doens't matter, unless it matters.

kipper

Thanks everyone!!!

He called awhile ago and said that he saw he missed my calls. He said I know you probably won't believe me but I had my phone on vibrate still from work and I have been spending the day with my dad. So I chose to say "oh ok."

He is picking me up around 6:30 for supper.
He is just my friend and I am going to go out to eat with him just as I would any of my other friends. Put on a smile and have a good time, no expectations.

Thanks for all the words of wisdom...VERY APPRECIATED!!!