Newly pickled and mad I can't be a cucumber again.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 28
Newly pickled and mad I can't be a cucumber again.
Hello all. I've never posted on this board, or any other, but I'm starting tonight because I feel I need to take that step in my recovery. Wow, just typing recovery filled me with embarrassment.
I'm 37, and the mother of a 2-year-old. I went my whole life using drugs for fun until 14 months ago. Most people clean up when they have kids, I started my addiction. I used coke to treat my postpartum depression, and the god-awful relationship I'm in with a sociopath. At first I had tons of energy and it seemed to boost my flagging self-confidence, but then I started using it more and more. I worked up a $350 a week habit. And, shamefully, I did that for a solid year. A whole year I was high from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning to the time the NyQuil knocked me to sleep. What a f-in waste of my time. And my kid? I mostly ignored her when I could get away with it. I fed her, I changed her, I talked to her, but the first chance I could "check out" I did. I feel awful for doing that to her but I was sick, very sick. I even drove around high with her in the car. Wow, it's amazing what a low-down jerk I had become.
And I don't really remember the year passing, just a blur of bloody noses, insomnia and tachycardia. And if you do the math, I spent close to $16,000 buying drugs. Wow, wow, wow.. didn't even know it was that much until I pulled up the calculator just now. I hardly left the house. The summer passed and I chain-smoked on the steps of our condo. People passed by and saw me and I always felt they were looking at me like I was a loser. I was just there, always there, talking on the phone, smoking, running back in the house to do a line. I'd go overboard by 1 pm and send the day trying to calm down and knock the edge off. If I was out, I'd sleep for days. I was a mess, a total mess. I let everything go. I spent hours of paranoid benders. I ran around in my little gerbil wheel of madness. I went no where. And now, I'm here.
I've been clean since Sept. 16, and perhaps only because I left Los Angeles for a 3-month trip to my hometown. While I'm sure I could score here if needed, I'm not doing it. The cravings have dropped in frequency, except for tonight -- got a powerful urge that I know I won't feed. Small things trigger this, like the make-up case I bought yesterday that has a small compartment just perfect for hiding coke. My brain has changed. Before my addiction, I'd never look at a make-up case like that. I'm a full-on addict. I'm so proud.
I go home to Los Angeles on Jan. 3. I'm worried because my partner still uses (he says he doesn't but that's how I got hooked, using with him), and I've got no family (besides my kid) to be accountable to. But here's the thing -- I don't want to not use because I've isolated myself from connections. I want to know I won't even if it's in my face, or on a plate in my bathroom and being offered by my boyfriend. Right now I don't think I'd say no. I need to know I will. I have about a month before I go home and I need some more tools in my tool box. Seasoned advice is most welcome.
I'm 37, and the mother of a 2-year-old. I went my whole life using drugs for fun until 14 months ago. Most people clean up when they have kids, I started my addiction. I used coke to treat my postpartum depression, and the god-awful relationship I'm in with a sociopath. At first I had tons of energy and it seemed to boost my flagging self-confidence, but then I started using it more and more. I worked up a $350 a week habit. And, shamefully, I did that for a solid year. A whole year I was high from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning to the time the NyQuil knocked me to sleep. What a f-in waste of my time. And my kid? I mostly ignored her when I could get away with it. I fed her, I changed her, I talked to her, but the first chance I could "check out" I did. I feel awful for doing that to her but I was sick, very sick. I even drove around high with her in the car. Wow, it's amazing what a low-down jerk I had become.
And I don't really remember the year passing, just a blur of bloody noses, insomnia and tachycardia. And if you do the math, I spent close to $16,000 buying drugs. Wow, wow, wow.. didn't even know it was that much until I pulled up the calculator just now. I hardly left the house. The summer passed and I chain-smoked on the steps of our condo. People passed by and saw me and I always felt they were looking at me like I was a loser. I was just there, always there, talking on the phone, smoking, running back in the house to do a line. I'd go overboard by 1 pm and send the day trying to calm down and knock the edge off. If I was out, I'd sleep for days. I was a mess, a total mess. I let everything go. I spent hours of paranoid benders. I ran around in my little gerbil wheel of madness. I went no where. And now, I'm here.
I've been clean since Sept. 16, and perhaps only because I left Los Angeles for a 3-month trip to my hometown. While I'm sure I could score here if needed, I'm not doing it. The cravings have dropped in frequency, except for tonight -- got a powerful urge that I know I won't feed. Small things trigger this, like the make-up case I bought yesterday that has a small compartment just perfect for hiding coke. My brain has changed. Before my addiction, I'd never look at a make-up case like that. I'm a full-on addict. I'm so proud.
I go home to Los Angeles on Jan. 3. I'm worried because my partner still uses (he says he doesn't but that's how I got hooked, using with him), and I've got no family (besides my kid) to be accountable to. But here's the thing -- I don't want to not use because I've isolated myself from connections. I want to know I won't even if it's in my face, or on a plate in my bathroom and being offered by my boyfriend. Right now I don't think I'd say no. I need to know I will. I have about a month before I go home and I need some more tools in my tool box. Seasoned advice is most welcome.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 28
Thanks
Thanks Joanne. That was fast. I think I'm going to like it here. I guess the main problem is that I like drugs, hence why I wish I could turn back the clock to that time when it was all in fun. I can't do it. You can't do it. None of us can. I'm most disappointed knowing that this will haunt me all my life. I might always have the desire to get high, like tonight. I feel like I'll be at risk forever. Is that true? Say it ain't so.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 348
I know, I am newly sober too. Well it has been 76 days and I too wonder if it will always be this hard. I am finding the holidays to be especially hard but this forum HELPS SO MUCH.. AND THERE ARE TONS OF WONDERFUL PEOPLE..
The important thing now is that you realize you have a serious addiction and you will be there for your 2 year old. Don't continue beating yourself up, it will only make you want to use that much more. Think that you are clean today and go give your 2yrs old a big hug. Learn to love yourself again, baby steps and try and put your recovery 1st.
Joanne
The important thing now is that you realize you have a serious addiction and you will be there for your 2 year old. Don't continue beating yourself up, it will only make you want to use that much more. Think that you are clean today and go give your 2yrs old a big hug. Learn to love yourself again, baby steps and try and put your recovery 1st.
Joanne
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
Your post hit home for me because I was in the same situation. My DOCs are cocaine and alcohol and I know the pain and destruction that they cause.
I hope you will stick around and continue posting. Getting as much support as you can gather is really important. Don't try to go this alone-- cocaine is a very powerful demon.
I'd recommend trying an NA meeting and getting phone numbers. Fill your phone with numbers from people in recovery just in case you get overwhelmed with those cravings. They do hit... I had horrible cravings for that evil drug last night. I went to a meeting and reached out to others in recovery. The cravings do pass....I'm new in recovery too so I know how it is.
Stick around... you will find lots of great support here! Hugs....
I hope you will stick around and continue posting. Getting as much support as you can gather is really important. Don't try to go this alone-- cocaine is a very powerful demon.
I'd recommend trying an NA meeting and getting phone numbers. Fill your phone with numbers from people in recovery just in case you get overwhelmed with those cravings. They do hit... I had horrible cravings for that evil drug last night. I went to a meeting and reached out to others in recovery. The cravings do pass....I'm new in recovery too so I know how it is.
Stick around... you will find lots of great support here! Hugs....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 28
Meetings and 76 days in recovery.
I am thinking about the meetings. I'm nervous about going. I'm still a bit shy about this. I'm red-faced and feeling like an idiot for getting myself into this mess. But, yes, those meetings are most probably the one place where I'll learn to Just Say No.
I was reading your other posts Laurience. I imagine the holiday will be hard. But, perhaps you can celebrate the first holiday off booze. I don't know how long you've been addicted but this could be the first time in many years that you've spent the holiday sober. The Christmas spirit isn't in the wine, it's in the family and the love and act of giving. The problem is that our associations are all screwed up cause of our illness. For example, I play pool, have been for years, and I don't enjoy it as much without the drugs.
But, I just read that the cravings go away with time. That's refreshing news. I do think that the drinking is harder because it's more socially acceptable than, say, doing a line at the dinner table with your family. To that I say -- stay strong, don't turn back now.
I was reading your other posts Laurience. I imagine the holiday will be hard. But, perhaps you can celebrate the first holiday off booze. I don't know how long you've been addicted but this could be the first time in many years that you've spent the holiday sober. The Christmas spirit isn't in the wine, it's in the family and the love and act of giving. The problem is that our associations are all screwed up cause of our illness. For example, I play pool, have been for years, and I don't enjoy it as much without the drugs.
But, I just read that the cravings go away with time. That's refreshing news. I do think that the drinking is harder because it's more socially acceptable than, say, doing a line at the dinner table with your family. To that I say -- stay strong, don't turn back now.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
This is one case when a pickle can be turned back into a cucumber.
A prize winning cucumber.
Even so... pickles are good with hamburgers. A cuc or a pickle both have a good use.
So become a clean pickle and then through a good recovery program, you can fill back up what has been missing and become a cuc again. (a better cuc)
Congratulations on your choices. It does work and people do recovery every day.
You can do it.
A prize winning cucumber.
Even so... pickles are good with hamburgers. A cuc or a pickle both have a good use.
So become a clean pickle and then through a good recovery program, you can fill back up what has been missing and become a cuc again. (a better cuc)
Congratulations on your choices. It does work and people do recovery every day.
You can do it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 28
Have you been clean since Feb. 2006? I'm impressed because I know how awful this drug is. Hell, everything is evil when you're over the line. All this week I've been pretty good, no cravings, then it just comes out of the blue and suffocates me for hours on end. I wonder where that comes from? I didn't have anything on my mind, not really, then I just got that feeling, you know the one I'm talking about. I see myself back home and getting high. This runs deeper than even I'm aware of right now. I don't know what I'll do with my partner (if you can even call him that) 'cause he still uses, and I'm sure it'll come up again.
Hope4life, tell me your story, tell me how you got here, if you don't mind.
Hope4life, tell me your story, tell me how you got here, if you don't mind.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 28
Tell me more Best. I'd like to hear how you did it. Let me ask you something, don't you think it's odd that I'd get to be this old before I turned into an all-out addict? Maybe I've always had that fuse but luck or circumstance kept the flame away from the wic. Then, for reasons I've not fully explained here, poof -- the explosion.
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: road to recovery
Posts: 1,689
welcome cmarble! lots of people around with similar issues and many of them with years of sobriety under their belts. you've come to a good and safe place.
there are a number of us with small kids on these boards. i have three under age 6 and my doc was alcohol. with sudafed. with caffeine. with benedryl or nyquil...you get the drift. i've been sober since july 24, 2006 and these boards, reading all i can about addiction and recovery, getting a sponsor and working a program have all been keeping me that way.
you can do it too! keep coming back!
there are a number of us with small kids on these boards. i have three under age 6 and my doc was alcohol. with sudafed. with caffeine. with benedryl or nyquil...you get the drift. i've been sober since july 24, 2006 and these boards, reading all i can about addiction and recovery, getting a sponsor and working a program have all been keeping me that way.
you can do it too! keep coming back!
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 348
Crazy..
I feel funny calling you crazy.. lol.. Anyho, thanks for the advice. Your so right about the not celebrating a sober xmas since about the age of 17. Maybe I will volunteer a few days at a soup kitchen. I love doing community work so that will make me feel good.
You hang in there, you can do this. It will pass, we can and will get through this...
Joanne
I feel funny calling you crazy.. lol.. Anyho, thanks for the advice. Your so right about the not celebrating a sober xmas since about the age of 17. Maybe I will volunteer a few days at a soup kitchen. I love doing community work so that will make me feel good.
You hang in there, you can do this. It will pass, we can and will get through this...
Joanne
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: road to recovery
Posts: 1,689
it took me about 30 years of drugs and alcohol before that july 24. addiction is a progressive disease. read about it. know what you are up against.
for me it was bingeing on weekends in my 20s, then nightly drinking in my 30s with occasional binges. a blackout every few years turned into a blackout every year turned into several blackouts in one year until i got scared and had enough.
for me it was bingeing on weekends in my 20s, then nightly drinking in my 30s with occasional binges. a blackout every few years turned into a blackout every year turned into several blackouts in one year until i got scared and had enough.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 28
Going home.
My life is there, what's left of it. My boyfriend is there, he just rented a new house. I'm trying to get into the Master's program over at CSUN. Of all things -- an MS in Marriage and Family Therapy. I have a lot to do if I happen to make the program.
I should be stronger than the circumstances, don't you think? If I'm serious, I should be able to stay the course.
Did I answer your question or just ramble?
I should be stronger than the circumstances, don't you think? If I'm serious, I should be able to stay the course.
Did I answer your question or just ramble?
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: road to recovery
Posts: 1,689
joanne--lol! it does seem to be cucumber/pickle time around here!
and crazymarble, it is a little strange to nickname you crazy--do you like marble or cmarble or CM or whatever you can recommend? (we all are crazy around here--lol!)
and crazymarble, it is a little strange to nickname you crazy--do you like marble or cmarble or CM or whatever you can recommend? (we all are crazy around here--lol!)
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
My doc is alcohol. I stopped the intake a few years back.
I remained a pickle for a long time then I started working a good program. Finding a program that works for you will show you many things and help build up the whole person...mind, body, and soul. I know people who have stopped coke cold turkey and a couple who have gone through treatment programs.
They are the proof that tells me it can be done. I am my own proof that tells me stopping alcohol and rebuilding of things can be done.
As for age... it took me till I was 43 before my eyes became opened and I realized I needed to do something. Addictions know no age. In the earlier days, the progression may have been small and at a point you felt you could manage it. Our eyes open when the problems seem to get bigger or do get bigger then we know we can handle.
I remained a pickle for a long time then I started working a good program. Finding a program that works for you will show you many things and help build up the whole person...mind, body, and soul. I know people who have stopped coke cold turkey and a couple who have gone through treatment programs.
They are the proof that tells me it can be done. I am my own proof that tells me stopping alcohol and rebuilding of things can be done.
As for age... it took me till I was 43 before my eyes became opened and I realized I needed to do something. Addictions know no age. In the earlier days, the progression may have been small and at a point you felt you could manage it. Our eyes open when the problems seem to get bigger or do get bigger then we know we can handle.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 348
Scootin..
Pickles are good though.. much tastier than a plain cucumber and it they are awesome with hamburgers..
Are your kids girls or boys? I have 2 under the age of 3 and I thought that to be tough.. I am still sitting on the fence about a third.
Your story sounds alot like mine.. I started partying at such a young age.. 14 or soo.. crazy stuff..
Pickles are good though.. much tastier than a plain cucumber and it they are awesome with hamburgers..
Are your kids girls or boys? I have 2 under the age of 3 and I thought that to be tough.. I am still sitting on the fence about a third.
Your story sounds alot like mine.. I started partying at such a young age.. 14 or soo.. crazy stuff..
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