Teggie

Been so much going on. My AF, who finally stopped drinking a year ago when he was diagnosed with throat cancer, had a scope and biopsy done at a major cancer center 6 hours away and found that the cancer is more involved than thought.

I have been at odds with my dad for many years, he left us when I was 4, for other women and booze and pretty much, except for the occassional drunken phone call I rarely ever saw him. It hurt my sister more, she is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict, and I have 2 younger illegitimate sisters who I haven't seen since we were all kids.

I've seen him more in the last 10 years since he moved back to the area but we don't have a close relationship. Now he's facing major surgery in this place 6 hours away and is now wanting his kids around to do for him. He is going to need someone down there for 6 weeks with him, and he's asking all of us. I am the breadwinner for my house with 3 kids and to take off is going to put me in the poor house big time. My sister has to work too although her kids are grown, a younger sister is a possibility since she doesn't work but at this point we don't know. I can't help but feel a little aggravated by it all, he was never there for us or his parants but he expects us to be there. I am involved because I can't bear to have my sister trying to carry all the burden. I can only pray God will work this out. I can only suggest, if noone can go, that hhe have it closer to home, but he feels this doc is the best and he's scared to death.

I've been battling with my oldest too. She's 15 and has been living with her dad, my ex, since she was 13. He sued me for custody of her and she told the judge she wanted to l;ive with him, at the time she didn't like our house rules, we didn't let her carry on with a boy in another town and her father would take her there. They live with ex's sister & hubby and a cousin that is my oldests age. She gets alot of freedoom over there, often calls to come for dinner because her father isn't home and sometimes he's gone for a couple of days and she can't reach him. I guess he figures since his sister is there, it's ok for him to roam.

She's doing better in school, I will give him credit for that but my problem is a boy he's seeing. She lied about his age, he's 19, not 15 as she said and she's been going over there (we had this out a couple of monthes ago and she said they weren't going to see each other anymore)(he lives with parants but still......) and her dad is friends with the boys parants so he'll take her over there. IShe kept me clueless about the continued relationship until a friend of mine who is still married in the family told me. So I wrote my ex a letter to tell him how I feel about it and that I didn't condone a 15 yr old girl going with a soon to be 20 year old man. I can't talk to my ex, I wind up screaming, so thats why I wrote it. I also discussed the fact he never sees his 8 yr old daughter also.

I got a call from the 15 yr old because she saw the letter in the mail & asked what it was about. I told her and the battle was on, her declaring I don't trust her, nothings going on, she only goes there because his parants asked her too, I just want her life miserable, yadayadayada... I replied basically if it walks like a duck and quacks like one it prob is one. So she hates me, I called last night to check on her and she would barely speak.

I havent heard from my ex, but I imagine he got the letter as I warned her if that letter dissapeared I would deliver another personally.
I'm scared that I may be overreacting, but I just don't think the relationship is healthy for her. She doesn't see that.

My life is in chaos right now, I'm hoping everything works out.
Sorry for the long rant.
Hugs, Teggie

Cynay

Hey there.... not to worry, it seems like teenager were put on earth to pay us back for being teenagers.

I dont think your over reacting at all.... My daughter is 17 and I had a fit when a 19 year old wanted to date her.... Today she is living with her aunt and uncle because "we dont have a relationship" she is convienced she raised herself..... I have been a single parent since she was 2 .... ahhhh what do you do .... can live without them and cant shoot them either.

Wow I would not want to be in your position with the father. Tuggs at the heart but I would have to stay true to myself and there is no way I would go into the poor house for that. Its his choice to be so far away.... so he is going to have to deal with the problems of people not being able to be there.... of course that is only MHO....

Slow down a bit and look inside. What is best for you and your family. What can you do for him that your comfortable with and that does not create resentment..... Get focused on you and think about it.... you will know what is right for you. Once you know that you can work on not feeling guilty about it.... *laughs* guilt is one of my best friends.....

Hang in there.

greeteachday

Wow, it does sound like life is throwing some major stress your way. The situation with your father is really tough. Caring for your immediate family and making ends meet comes first, from my perspective. It's tough dealing with being guilted into things...can bring some additional agnst, aggrevation or resentment. I think I'd try to get myself quiet if I can and let an answer come. Sometimes that quiet just helps to bring the right choice forward or open another door.
Is it worth considering splitting up time spent so no one has to be there for so long? I think it makes sense that if this can't be worked out without problems for you and your siblings, he will have to rethink his decision.

I can understand your concerns about your daughter; age difference at such a young age matters more than later. Two years got me a little frantic sometimes. It sounds like you are doing all you can and worry doesn't help the situation or your stress level. Easy to say, but so hard to practice.

Sending you a hug and prayers for some clarity and peaceful moments soon.

Teggie

Thank you y'all, I had tears in my eyes on reading your words. It really helped to know I am not being irrational.

At this point I don't know what is going to happen with my dad, last time I talked to him he said he had another appt there next week and the plan was a conference call with him, the doc, his office queen & us to discuss it. If the younger sister can't come I beleive he is going to have to look into having the surgery done closer. I think the 6 weeks referrs to him having to have a feeding tube after surgery as they are trying to save the voicebox and the area will have to rest. If he had it in the dallas/ft worth area it would be easier to arrange for whateveer home health etc he may need.

I work fulltime hours at a part time rate due to the money. To support the family I have to. As a result I get no paid time off, if I am not there I don't get paid. My mom recently had surgery for a small breast cancer and now she is going to daily radiation treatments.

I hate to put a kink in his plans but my sister has to work also & I just don't see a way to pull it off. I'm going to have to put my faith in God it will happen the way it's supposed to.

I still haven't heard from my ex about the letter, I am not surprised really. But since the 15 yr old is so angry at me I am thinking maybye he has said or done something. I figured she still would'nt be so gloom and doom if things were going her way.
It's my 3 day 12 hour night shift weekend and she has'nt called at all. I am figuring she can't be angry forever so eventually she'll talk.

It's hard being a ACOA, with a recovered AH & AS. You doubt yourself easily, at every turn. I have been plagued with thoughts of not doing enough or not saying enough. Sometimes I think I am still that scared, scarred child who never feels like she can do right.

Normal I guess, but then again what is normal where we are concerned?
Thanks again, I'm heading to work,
Many hugs and prayers for peace for everyone,
Teggie

Cynay

Well when you figure out what normal is or how to work with a teen .... PLEASE let me know cuz Im lost too.

Tonight is my daughters Winter Prom. No word from her, no call, no text and it hurts to sit on my hands and not try to be a part of her life....

We do doubt ourselves at every turn .... but this is what we have and I think its probably a better plan to take care of the scared little girl inside then worry about the teen that is struggling to grow up right now.

THE KING

I wouldnt call my relationship with my dad close either BUT if I was in your position I would not hesitate to be there no matter what the cost. why? cause he's the only dad I got, he isnt perfect BOY IS HE NOT PERFECT

BUT he is only dad I got so I couldnt just not be there

money should be no object when it comes to a family member.

GingerM

Voicing the flip side of The King's post: If it were my father, who voluntarily walked out of my life and never showed an interest in what was happening to me, I doubt I would do much of anything to help him.

If he attempted to guilt trip me, my answer would be "You weren't there when I needed you, I have no reason to help you now" You reap what you sow. It sounds like the last thing you need right now is to get sucked back into that drama.

Yes, he's the person who sired you. But he was not a father from your description.