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Trying something new

Old 11-29-2006, 10:07 PM
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Red face Trying something new

I am on my second day of my umteenth attempt at sobriety. I have been in inpatient twice and have failed to complete outpatient three times in two years. I've tried doing the AA thing alone, but I always seem to sabotage my efforts at sobriety. It's almost as though I don't trust myself to succeed so I try to mess it up for myself so I don't have to go through the pain of failure --except, when I relapse, I always feel like a failure. The longest I have gone without drinking in five years is just shy of four months. When I really try, the periods of sobriety seem to get longer and longer -- it seems as though I have so many issues with lack of self confidence, self sabotage, feelings of unworthiness and just a general distrust in myself.

I am seeing a therapist and he tells me that I need to work on issues in my past and my life that have caused me to have all of these feelings. He says we can't do that until I get sober. It's kind of like a chicken vs. egg argument. Am I a drunk because I'm messed up or am I messed up because I'm a drunk? How can I stay sober if I feel this way about myself?

Anyway, I am on day two and I just felt like trying new things to keep me on track. I am still so unsure about what it's going to take for me to stay sober. I am starting to feel the physical effects of withdrawal, like shakiness, headaches, anxiety, impatience and CRAVINGS. I am trying so hard to figure out a way to do this - so I have started journaling. I've also bought a jigsaw puzzle, which kept me busy for about two hours this evening. It's ten o'clock at night and I'm about to go to bed. Tomorrow will be day three. Wish me luck! I'm on the edge of losing everything.
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Old 11-29-2006, 10:25 PM
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I hope you get things sorted out, I know exactly what you mean about the chicken/egg syndrome, and I still don't know what came first with me. I just know that I am no longer in pain. I am not sure if it was my four years of therapy, the nutritional supplements, the second step in AA, but I am not in emotional pain anymore and it's awesome. My past and issues were controlling my life and I was diagnosed with all the anxiety disorders and depression. I am so unused to feeling normal or happy sometimes I catch myself fearing the fear. I just got ninety days so maybe its a pink cloud. But have faith, it will get better!
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Old 11-29-2006, 11:13 PM
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Welcome to SR!

Here is a link for you to check out..

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Let us know how things are going..we do understand

Blessings
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Old 11-29-2006, 11:57 PM
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Welcome to SR. Perhaps this is the new thing this time that will make a difference. Keep posting and keep taking the action necessary to help yourself.
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Old 11-30-2006, 02:10 AM
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hi.....i feel exactly the same way....i am on day #4,and the physical part of the withdrawal is just starting to ease up......i see a therapist,and she also says I have problems with feeling unworthy,and i also self sabotage my own happiness/success....my problem stems from the fact that i was raised by a martyr mom....never learned that i was worth it.....i was raised to put others first.....and that thinking of yourself first is selfish.....my mom would forever deny herself,and blame others for her misery......no wonder i grew up with a screwed up view of,"self"..now that she is 80 years old,and in poor health,i am living here in her house...i have gotten to comfortable settling for crumbs,expecting little from people,and more importantly expecting little from myself......i am working on it though.....i always knew there had to be an underlying reason WHY I punished myself so,with the alcohol and the screwed up thinking......i never felt i was worth any better....we will get better.....let's just stay sober,and work on our issues...and keep journalling....it really helps me....just to get my feelings out....and keep coming here....i read all the posts every morning....god bless.
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Old 11-30-2006, 09:23 AM
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Today is a new day

I felt very fortunate to wake up this morning to find that people had replied to my post. The encouragement and understanding was so heartwarming I began to tear up. I have so little confidence, that I rarely speak at meetings and I hardly ever stay after to chat. I just feel awkward and embarrassed. It helps to be able to discuss my feelings and to also read other people's stories, experiences and encouragements without feeling the pressure of participating in an awkward conversation. Maybe as I continue down the road to recovery and deal with my issues, that will become easier for me. I hope so; it's hard feeling so isolated from the world.

Anyway, day three started with pretty vivid dreams and a headache. I don't feel as shaky this morning, so that's good. I feel like logging onto this website in the morning is a good way to start my day. I will try to make today a good one for me and for my family.
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Old 11-30-2006, 10:53 AM
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Maybe as I continue down the road to recovery and deal with my issues, that will become easier for me. I hope so; it's hard feeling so isolated from the world.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.



Are these extravagant promises? We think not.

They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

They will always materialize if we work for them.
Straight out of the Big Book. Yes, dealing with people becomes easier with time.
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Old 11-30-2006, 11:04 AM
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Hi there,

Its seems to me that you are at a crossroads.

If you wish to progress in therapy, you need to quit drinking, and deal with stuff, not an easy choice, alternatively, keep drinking, avoid what it is you are scared of, and possibly die.

Its never as bad as we think, the things that we avoid that is. Maybe uncomfortable at times, but you only need to do it once.

I encourage you to face your fear, you seem to have a smart therapist, trust the process.

Love, Rose
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Old 11-30-2006, 12:19 PM
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chicken vs egg

Hey There WhoAmI ---

In your original post, you wrote, "I am seeing a therapist and he tells me that I need to work on issues in my past and my life that have caused me to have all of these feelings. He says we can't do that until I get sober. It's kind of like a chicken vs. egg argument. Am I a drunk because I'm messed up or am I messed up because I'm a drunk? How can I stay sober if I feel this way about myself?"

In answer to that last question ("How can I stay sober if I feel this way about myself").....you can't, but there is hope.... (o: .... you can change your thinking, and thusly change your feelings.... (o:

I'm not a member of the 'chicken or egg' group ---- before I started on the road to recovery.....yes, I had issues.....and yes, I was an alcoholic, BUT there were plenty of folks out there who had my same issues and were NOT alcoholics, AND there were plenty of other alcoholics out there who didn't share my issues.....

For me, I drank/used because I was an alcoholic/addict....no if's, and's or but's about it.....(and no issues to blame.....for me that would just taking my issues and using them for excuses....

....and, I had issues.....BUT I didn't use my alcoholism, my being an alcoholic, as the 'reason/excuse' for these issues.....

Where these 'chickens' & 'eggs' may be mitigating factors in eachother's lives; that's all they are.....and I treated them separately --- alcohol and drugs first.....then the 'issues' that were still left.....

I hope this helps.....but then, after all, this is just my ESH on the subject, and I know that way of working the 'Program' of recovery may just get someone else drunk or high......these are just my opinions, and worked for me.... (o:


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Old 11-30-2006, 12:51 PM
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Welcome WhoamI, I too am on day 2 of my upteenth million time at sobriety. Pot is my DOC, though a good bottle is always handy when I can't get the bud. Fortunately the physical withdrawals from pot are pretty mild, but I think it's really the psycholgical efffects that cause most people to go back out anyway. Your mind plays tricks on you and tells you that it will be ok, different, better, whatever, this time. We of course know that is a bunch of BS!!!

I'm sure I could give you lots of great advice, but being I seem to have a real problem following it myself, I'll let some folks with a bit more time give suggestions. Best suggestion I can make...keep busy. Take care.
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