lizzy girl

My AH was sober for 8 months this time until 2 days ago when he drank for one day. I feel kicked in the stomach again--that old familiar sick feeling. When I "abandon" him to do something for myself, like seeing an old friend or visiting my parents for a night, he drinks--everytime. Therefore, I rarely leave him as I worry about leaving my farm animals. Came home the other night after an afternoon away for lunch with a girlfriend visiting from out of town to find him "s..tfaced" in bed. Porno movie right out on the table, same old behavior. Some would say he has been a dry drunk since he stopped drinking, working no program. His emotionally and verbally abusive behavior begain and/or worsened after becoming sober, Guess he decided to replace abusing alcohol with abusing me--Perhaps this is his recovery program, now I get it!!

Im trying to pick myself up and go on but I'm feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me. After 27 years of this, you would think I would get used to it, but it always feels just as bad.

embraced2000

hi lizzy

sorry this is happening in your life.....you are not alone in this......we are all here, too, and are here to help each other.

hugs to you
jeri

denny57

My therapist has always warned me I might not like the man who appeared after the addiction was removed - not that it has happened yet. But I believe her. How about taking alcohol out of the equation for now and just consider his actions?

lizzy girl

You're right. I don't like what I see, drunk or sober. I don't know what is worse, the drinking or the abuse. The drinking seems to hurt more, but they are both horrible to live with. He has been sober off and on for years, but the abuse is new. I can't believe I am saying this but for the first time in my marriage, 27 years, I don't believe I love him anymore, I don't even like him. I used to think he was my best friend, now I guess I have lost that too. I'm having a hard time even feeling any compassion right now. This is all very surreal to me. Does he have the capacity to feel true love, or does he simply need me for his selfish reasons? Ive read that abusers don't have the capacity to feel love as we think of it, and that their version of love is really need to have someone to make them feel superior. I believe my husband is a narcissist and I wonder if this is all I am to him.

IrshIzNotSmilin

I live with my AH too. We have had at times sarcasm which I find abusive and "jokes" which are supposed to be "funny" uh? not. So I have addressed this in counselling and SLOWLY we get some change. I think as people have posted before al-anon is a good start. I do not know you may be doing some groups or counselling. All of it helps make that final decision or step to how you want to live. I am in the process of doing that right now and I look at it as a day by day thing. I need to be ok with me first and then I will know. I hope this helps. I really understand and feel for you. I went through the porn thing too. Sorry.

lizzy girl

IRISHIZNOTSMILIN,
You say "slowly we get some change" What is changing for you?

IrshIzNotSmilin

Well, I speak to AH when he is sober. I tell him what I can and can't tolerate. Such as, drinking and driving issues. When we are out or when he is out. He respects some of my boundaries and others still need work. I am ok right now with that. That we can open a communication up and he will try to see my point of view too, that is what is slowly changing for me. It may not work for others. I feel that I have a voice and feelings that I can convey I feel that I can sometimes (not always) feel important. I don't know if this answers your question that is what I meant. I tend to talk too short sometimes. Not really good at articulating those deeper feelings. Irsh

P.S. I re-read your post again and I am newly married here. I am trying to work on what I can right off and if I become not okay with things or the change is not good enough and things get to the point of how you describe I would feel as you do. I feel for what you are going through.

letting go

When you say that you feel like you have been kicked in the stomach, I can relate to that very feeling. When you entertain someone on a daily basis to keep them occupied and sober it is very draining on you, i did it for my boyfriend for 26 whole days and when he was no longer amused and left to go drink, not only did i feel kicked in the stomach but also very confused now on what to do with myself. I can't imagine what i would be feeling after years of it. Everyone says to just move on and work on you, but, who are you now? When all of your needs are pushed to the side by trying to help the one you love, i guess now we have to entertain ourselves and find out what we want and need it's not going to be easy. If you are strong enough to endure all that you have over the years i believe you can get through this too. I'll be thinking of you as i go on my own journey. Lots of love.