seasondoff

I have been married for 3.5 years. The entire time I have been with J we have gone through cycles of up and down. He has always smoked pot and I always thought that he would jsut grow up and stop one day. He hasn't.

When he was staying home with our daughter who was 4 months at the time, I came home to find him on the back porch getting high with his friends while she sat in her bouncy seat in front of the window.

On 4th of July weekend 2005 I found his stash of weed under the drivers seat of our car on our way home from a weekend trip to the beach. (I was driving).

More times than I can count, I have gotten up in the middle of the night and he has been gone... out with buddies drinking or smoking.

He has stayed out all night, beaten up college kids (He's 27 and in his 4th year of undergrad), driven home drunk and parked the car on the sidewalk... pissed on the floor, missed work, been fired from jobs.

He doesn't drink on a daily basis and as far as I know, he's not smoking weed anymore.

I've kicked him out more than once. I always let him back in because he tells me he'll be better.... then in a few months we are back to where we started.

Recently he was out of the house for a week (this time we discussed his leaving and he agreed it would be indifinitely until he could get better) and I invited him over because it was his birthday. THen he decided that he was "better" and that if I didn't want to live with him that I could leave our apartment without our 3 year old daughter. I feel like he's manipulating me because he knows I don't want to leave my home. I told him that if I do, our daughter is coming with me.

He is trying to act as if everything is back to normal with us... although he is sleeping on the couch and other than everyday things to discuss concerning our daughter and household things, we don't speak.

I thought I had reached my point where I was goign to stand up for myself, but I'm right back to allowing him to walk all over me. It's all so frightening.

Don't know what I'm expecting anyone to say... this is my first real post. I have been reading for a few days and everyone has inspired me so far to take note of the life I've been living and make changes.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Welcome. You sound sad and worried? Is he violent? Can you go to family? If that is not an option or as a first option I would see a free lawyer for a consultation. See what your legal options are? If he is violent and threatening about your daughter are there safe houses or shelters for woman by you? Do you know people out of state? Some people here know alot they will respond and help. I wish you well. Make changes slowly and well-planned. Best Wishes

denny57

Have you considered one on one therapy? I think you're asking good questions, it would be great to have someone you could talk to face to face to help you through the answers and solutions.

Al-Anon may also help you understand your part in the dance that goes on when living with an addict.

Keep posting and good luck. You don't have to go through this alone.

seasondoff

I do have family in the area. If I were to leave, I would go stay with my dad.

He is not violent with me and my daughter. I have never felt physically threatened by him. I'm more afraid of him hurting others or himself by drinking and driving or being violent out at bars.

I have an appt with a counselor right now and I have been seeing a psychiatrist for sometime ( my mom passed away in April).

I struggle with the emotional abuse. It's all the ups and downs and him making me feel like I'm not worth anything more.

Thanks for listening. :-)

denny57

Two books I found helpful were "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. Both of them also have websites. Have you seen them?

seasondoff

I have not heard of those. I will check out the websites.

I made a trip to the library the other night to check out books and I was a little overwhelmed!!

IrshIzNotSmilin

Hi seasondoff this is good. I was concerned from what you said that he was a physical person but verbal abuse is as bad. I lost my dad in march so my sympathy to you for the loss of your mom. There are some good suggestions made by denny. Being here is such a good first step. I go to counselling too alone and sometimes with AH. Remember, you have choices lots of them and sometimes just knowing that helps too. Keep coming back.

deax

Yes, it is. But as you'll see from many of the posts here, it's not all that uncommon either. That you're recognizing it now, feeling frightened by it, and coming to a place like this for support are all really good signs that you're growing and getting ready to start your journey toward change. Welcome and I'm glad you decided to post.