still truggling

Old 11-28-2006, 04:45 PM
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still truggling

My A wife is over 90 days in recovery and had an EA and PA with people she met in rehab. She appears to be doing well in her recovery and I'm trying with mine.

A major part of my recovery will be to address these affairs at some point and to try to work on our marriage. She is simply not ready for this but was ready to maintain inappropriate relationships with other people (this seems to be over thank god), and to develop very strong relationships with her AA network of friends.

I can understand her need for support in the AA network but it seems unfair that I'm so low on her priority list. She talks with them dozens of times a day, goes to meetings nearly every night and goes out to a diner afterward for coffee, etc. I'm glad she's working her program but I'm not at all part of it. My therapist agrees that I need to be part of it in some small way.

This is tough, life is tough. I lost my wife to alcohol and now that she's back I lost her to AA. Don't get me wrong, I feel fortunate at this point for her strong desire for sobriety and I don't want to stand in her way but I also want just a little piece of her for me. I guess this is to be expected but I still don't have to like it.

She is not willing to discuss our relationship or the affairs for another 90 days. This is some arbitrary moratorium suggested by her therapist. I don't expect miracles over night nor do I expect to discuss this everyday, just occasionally. I don't like the fact that she is disctating the terms and I feel that if I obliger her that I'm enabling. She needs to face life and all of it's ugliness rather than hide behind her need for sobriety and difficult issues. Delaying this is just avoiding the inevitable. I don't know that I have much choice.

I just needed to vent. Thanks.
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Old 11-28-2006, 04:55 PM
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You have a choice.

Continue to tolerate her addiction and her infidelity, or get out.

I experienced the same thing with my X wife. The drunken abuse, infidelity, and the insanity that came with her addiction.

I chose to get out. For my sake, my children sake.....for my sanity.

You don't have to live with your wifes abuse. Alcoholism is one thing, adultry is something else.

What do you want to do?
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Old 11-28-2006, 04:56 PM
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hi steady - do you attend al-anon yourself?

from that side of it i remember when i first got into 12-step recovery i thought the people there were the only ones who really understood me.

i'm sure the affairs are painful; it always hurts. i'm sorry you have to go through this. please take care and keep venting away. it helps.

((()))
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Old 11-28-2006, 05:51 PM
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I do go to Al-anon and it helps. I also realize that I have a choice. It's not an easy choice though. We've been together 26 years (married 19) with three kids 14, 12, aand 5. It's hard to throw that all away but on the other hand, I deserve a happy life.

I do see occasional small steps on her part to reconnect but it's not happening as fast as I would like. I just resent her dictating the terms without accepting my terms.

She wants to hold off on talking about us for 90 days. I'm considering giving her 60. If that's not good enough then we separate. The problem with separation though is that she refuses to leave her children. So do I. I'm not the one who did anything wrong. Perhaps I'm being hard headed, but I refuse to leave since I'm the innocent party. I know I'm not perfect and certainly have my flaws but I put up with the alcoholism and affairs. I did not cross the line, she did.
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Old 11-28-2006, 06:11 PM
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I don't like the fact that she is disctating the terms and I feel that if I obliger her that I'm enabling.
This is not enabling. Enabling is when one person acts in a way that allows the other to stay in their cycle of alcoholism or addiction. I am enabling when I make things easier for the other person and help them to avoid the natural consequences of their actions.
What you describe is a person who is trying to find recovery and having some problems with keeping her own life on a good path. Right now her recovery is the most important thing for her. Her life may depend on this time being all it can be. It's understandable that you feel left out and are hurting so badly from all that she has done. This disease is very cruel to all involved.
My recovery is separate from the recovery of another. I learn to set boundaries and to work on myself while hopefully they do the same.
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Old 11-28-2006, 06:29 PM
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Hello Steady and welcome here to the forum. Where do I start.....I was married to an alcoholic for 22 years and my XAH left the kids and I for a meth/alcoholic hooch on a bar stool in July 05. We haven't heard from him since. In all the years that we were together and with all the crisis and chaos that went with it the hardest thing for me to handle was the infidelity. The booze I could handle not the hooch. He has left us 8 times in all those years usually for binge reasons - I even put up with that...but again as I say the infidelity??? And believe it or not you can ask anyone here - all the way through the divorce which just finalized in Sept 06..I actually had myself believing that I could handle the cheating aspect of it and reconcile. Luckily God saw to it that that was just not going to happen .....yup you guessed it....STD's and I don't mean little ones either. HIV and Syphylis. Is this what you want???? Think and think hard. I didn't give him a chance to sentence me to death but will you allow your wife that opportunity???

((((((((steady)))))))

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Old 11-28-2006, 07:18 PM
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I appreciate the feedback from all.

CMC: I believe it is enabling because my W traded one addiction for the other. Alcohol for the high of the emotional and physical connections which occured immediately after leaving rehab. Not adressing the behavior and consequenses would be enabling in my opinion because she is not being held accountable for her actions. By obliging her wishes to not address the situation to me is equivalent to walking on eggs shells or ignoring the elephant in the room.

I truly appreciate the need for her to work the recovery but the affairs added a new twist that need to be handled like another active addiction because that is what they are.
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Old 11-28-2006, 07:34 PM
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Life issues don't always come in the convenient timing of recovery. We have a right to know what WE are investing ourselves into. Recovery can be just as selfish as drinking. The world does not stop spinning for this womans recovery, and it is arrogant for her to put you off. I remember going into court with my ex who expected applause for his recovery efforts. If I had to explain the affairs I had, I'd put it off too or I'd accuse you of twarting my recovery. I'd blame alcohol and tell you not to revisit the past. Maybe she stopped drinking too late. Maybe the damage is done. What part of your marriage is your business?
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Old 11-28-2006, 09:09 PM
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Perhaps go to a weekly open AA meeting with your wife.
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Old 11-28-2006, 09:22 PM
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Steady, let me share a bit of my story with you. I will put on my AA hat now, lol. When I first got sober, I did not know if I was coming or going. Yes I got a job within 3 weeks of getting sober and yes I brought home a pay check to keep a roof over my head, however........................................... .......

I was just putting one foot in front of the other, I was still in a fog, I went to meetings and the meetings after the meetings and was on the phone constantly with other AA members and soon my sponsor. WHY? Because I was so damn scared....................................AA was really the only place I felt safe, they understood, they had been in my hell.

This went on until I was about 6 months sober, when I could actually start comprehending what I was reading and the fog was starting to lift. I can tell you that it feels like your head is MUSH. No thought stays for more than a minute or two. IT IS HORRIBLE.

I would suspect that at this point your wife is still incapable of having the type of communication you want to have. I don't know how many years she drank, but you will see no miracles in 90 days.

Please go slow. Work on your Alanon program and give her time. The magic happens, but slowly, very slowly.

Yes I understand the Alanon side also, at 3 years sober my sponsor strongly suggested that it was time for me to also go to alanon. I reluntantly followed her suggestion and am ever so grateful today that I did. I am a double winner.

For a person to stop drinking and eventually become sober is a long process. There is so much crap, and their own 'lack of self worth' and the guilt, and the humilitation, and on and on and on, that it takes lots of time, and a newly recovering alkie does find strength with the AA people and AA fellowship. It is a time of trudging through quicksand, sometimes with alligators up to your butt, and a mind that just doesn't want to function. There are emotions and fears to deal with that have been numbed by alcohol for years.

And Lizzy's suggestion to attend an 'open' AA meeting weekly whether with your wife or not, will be an eye opener as you listen.

Just some thoughts that might help you.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.

Love and hugs,
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Old 11-29-2006, 02:45 AM
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Thank you all for your suggestions.

I have been considering going to an open AA meeting and will do so this week.


Laurie: I appreciate your insight. This is what my W desribes about herself. She says that she does not know what she wants from minute to minute. For me, this is hard to understand. I tend to interpret this to mean that she is not sure that she wants to be married to me, which is a distinct possibility.

This recovery stuff is hell. It's harder than active addiction for me right now.
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Old 11-29-2006, 05:53 AM
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Your wife answered you truthfully. She does not know what what she wants. Read between the lines. She also told you she is selfish, and is not very concerned about what you want, or for that matter her kids. Its all about what she wants!

I am sick and tired of alcoholism being an excuse for bad behavior. The fact is, we do not have to tolerate their abuse.

My guess is you are doing all the work in your family. Financially, emotionally, caring for your children. Your wife is only concerned about herself and her needs. If she cheated in the past, she will most likely do it again in the future. Her membership in AA will give her ample chances to have another affair.....drunks love a drunk!

I was married 19 years too. We have two beautiful kids. I miss my old life and I miss my wife. But the reality is what it is. The person I married no longer exists and my marriage is over. The good news is...the madness of living with the alcoholic is over. My kids are safe. My heart can start to heal. I have a chance now to find a new love, one who can return my love. The chance for a new life.

Life is short....you and your kids deserve to be happy.
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Old 11-29-2006, 10:38 AM
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I tend to interpret this to mean that she is not sure that she wants to be married to me, which is a distinct possibility.
In reality it can be as simple as walking into the kitchen cause you are thirsty and really not knowing why you walked in there, yet alone if you want coffee, water, soda, tea, juice or what.

I doubt at 90 days that that has even crossed her mind.

Yes Recovery is Hell for everyone. For the partners, parents, children of alcoholics it is the wondering where I fit in the person life now? What did I do or not do that helped or hindered? etc For the alcoholic, its great shame, wondering how amends could ever be made for all I have done, will this mush of a brain ever function again, how could I be so terrible, what if I can't do this, and on and on and on.................................

I do believe that Alanon can be a great help to you. I also believe that attending an 'open' AA meeting once a week or so can only give you more insight. I have seen marriages stay together and I have seen marriages fail after the alcoholic gets sober. There is no crystal ball. I do believe thought that the one that seem to stay together, both parties are extremely committed to working their own individual programs and not each others, going to marriage counselling, learning how to communicate with each other, making a point to take time to be together, even if it's a 'weekly date night' where they can quietly discuss and LISTEN the daily problems a family encounters.

Again, this will take time.

Its all about what she wants!
Guy I do believe you may still be a bit bitter. It is not about what she wants, it is about what she needs at the moment to continue in her recovery to become a whole functioning human being without alcohol. Although you have been put thru hell as has everyone connected with a practicing alcoholic, the HELL the alcoholic is in is indescribable. Just stopping drinking is only the beginning of a very long road back to reality and health.

It takes time Steve. Please be patient. Work on your own self. Get the kids into counselling and the 14yr old into Alateen if appropriate. The whole family will need to work on this. You have been married a long time.............what is another 6 months or year to end up with a good relationship once again?

Keep venting here, we do care, and many of us have been where you are now. We do care.

Love and hugs,
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Old 11-29-2006, 11:55 AM
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Steady, Please if possible perhaps copy Laurie's posts, so you can read and re-read. I had to read and reread to keep my mind on track.
I had anxiety that didn't quit, anxiety numbs the brain, we think it can't be us so it must be the cat, the dog, the kids, the weather, ETC. ETC. but it is getting the booze out of the system. (Withdrawal)

At AA it is OK to cry, or shake, everyone understands. but if that happened at home you and the childern would think it was your fault, and the A feels more guilt.
This for the family is a nightmare, but if we practice detaching with love, if we let them work their program and take it one day at a time it is easier for us and for them. (Just my opinion) Suggestions only.
If your wife never had an affair before being in treatment, then with sobriety that perhaps will never happen again. I do not know her story or history on that.
This is a horrible disease , no family should go through it.
keep coming back. ((HUGS))
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Old 11-29-2006, 01:29 PM
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PS, Under site for Alcoholism here on SR Green tea has posted excerpts from the book "Under the influence", you might check it out. It is under sticky's on alcoholim site.
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Old 11-29-2006, 01:50 PM
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Check out Nytepassions sticky's. She writes beautifully and is very informative.
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