cal

What would you do if you found out that you AH "cheated" on you (a couple of times)... but it happened over a year ago and things had been going pretty well in that year (after the incidents of cheating)? I'm so confused because we've been working on our relationship and I feel like we were making alot of progress in that area until this (it slipped out when he was drunk last week)now I'm not sure what to think it almost negates everything we've worked so hard at and all the good things that have happened since ...
He went out last night and I realised all my trust is gone...again...but of course he dosen't understand why its such a big deal since it was so long ago and didn't mean anything(to him but to me it means so much!!)

mallowcup

If fidelity doesn't mean anything to him, what does? Time is time, he has risked your health for over a year. How did you find out? Why should you trust him? He was drunk last week and went out last night. No, I would ot forgive this. Once I knew that while I was home, my ex was having sex with another woman, something died inside me. Instead of finding reasons to stay, I found reasons to end it. For over a year your husband has protected the other woman and himself. As you sat home last night, I think you realized there has been no progress. Please be tested for STDs no matter what you decide. I'm sorry for this discovery. I do think God puts the truth before us when we are strong enough to deal with it.

denny57

I don't believe anything just slips out.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. For me, it was deciding that it didn't matter about the specifics or the whys or the whens. If trust is gone, it's gone. I realized I was clinging to the relationship for all the wrong reasons.

I also believe it's two separate issues - the drinking and the cheating, though they're certainly connected. Some alcoholics cheat, others do not. Bottom line is what do I want for my life?

Cynay

I second the motion of getting tested for STD....

I personally would also stop all physical with him till he himself was tested.

You know, I have forgiven someone in my past that cheated on me.... I hate to say it but I have also been the other women. Both are hurtful and break any kind of trust.... but the thing that stood out to me is ...

Dont get me wrong..... I do not agree with cheating. It is wrong period.....

But there are alot of reasons why people cheat.... the thing that would bother me just as much as the cheating is his lack of compassion for the pain he just caused you.... his lack of understanding that he did something that is VERY hurtful and his lack of understanding that though its old news to him and he may have come to terms...... Its brand new to you and because he his actions are responsible .... it is his actions that have to repair the damage....

Personally to me it sounds like he does not give a Damn (imho) and I would have to ask you why you would waste your presious love on someone who does not give a damn? Why work on a marriage alone??? It is ment to be a partnership.

Hugs to you, keep posting and working though all this in your heart.... then you will know what you want and how to proceed from here.

cal

he says they just kissed and touched each other -no intercourse...but kissing and touching in my opinion is just as hurtful!!Especially now that I think about it -it was the time in our relationship last year when we decided together that we would give it one more try-the same time of the year that I had found out about another infidelity(which he denied) and decided that we could get through it ...he blames it on being too drunk...also what really hurts is that it happened at a friend of ours' house so other people know and I feel like an ass...I also wonder now how many other times this might have happened-because wow I just found out what a great actor and liar he can be !!!!I feel ill...!

earthsong

WAKE UP! This abuser put your life at risk. Why are you still there?!!!!!
I keep telling people on this site to read the free 200 page ebook on empoweredrecovery dot com......it tells you the facts and the truth about your situation. I only discovered it myself a couple of weeks ago and it has completely changed my life....it gave me back my life! I'm not associated with them at all. They are a charity for people like you and me....take the free opportunity to open your eyes. Take your life back...you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

FriendofBill

I wonder how any of us ever got along without you to tell us what to do.

Kellye C

For me infidelity is a non-negotiable regardless of if it is tied to drinking or not. I don't lump them together, they are separate issues but they can get intertwined when drunk I suppose. I am an alcoholic. I am not a cheater. I will not tolerate infidelity and have ended relationships because of unfaithfulness. I know others have been able to move past it but I know from past experience that infidelity colors my trust of that person and I can never fully believe in them again. I found myself going behind their back trying to prove they were still unfaithful or assure myself they weren't. My efforts were "rewarded" by much insanity, emotional pain as well as proof that I was right. Not worth it!

mazey

Earthsong, you are able to make everything so black & white. How easy that is! Just curious how old you are? It would be so dam simple if life was only black & white. To each their own, and glad you have found peace with that product. It is obvious you are trying to "help" us put our lives in the same category of black & white. I think most of us have a huge grey area, and that's okay for us. Cuz mingled in that grey is heart. Makes it harder, but I sure wouldn't give up my heart to only be ruled by black & white. So, happy for you and your success.

cal

I'm still there because I still love and care about my AH-we have history together(more good than bad!!)and are raising three children together.I'd like to explore all alternatives and options before deciding to leave!!
We have problems related to AH'S drinking and decisions he's made while drunk but there is alot of love between us still...We want to make this work...

Astro

My now ex and I had a lot of history together too, as well as two children. For ten years we had a life together as a family, and as far as I knew we were in love with each other very much in spite of our difficulties. I was the alcoholic and lied about my disease all the time, but never knew how bad it was. For me marriage is a sacrament, and I take it seriously. After 10 years, she cheated on me with a co-worker, because "I drove her to it with my lies". The day I found that out was the day I walked into AA, and I've been sober since then. We made a feeble attempt at working things out, but it's hard to repair and heal trust that's broken by infidelity.

If I have any input to offer it's this: My children and I are now building a new life and a wonderful history together. They also have a great life with their Mom, and she's marrying the guy she cheated with next year. As far as I'm concerned, they're perfect for each other, and will cheat on each other again. Infidelity is like an addiction, and history will most likely repeat itself. For many years I thought I'd married the woman of my dreams, but as more of her history is revealed to me it's obvious that there never was much there.

I'm not saying it's impossible to work things out, but sobriety for your AH would be a great way to start. I do know that in the 27 years I drank I had two spouses who asked me to get help and go for counseling, but in my medicated stupor I always thought that life was going perfectly.

You'll be in my prayers, and I wish you the best.

mallowcup

You say that the two of you want to make this work. He was out last week and drunk again, drunk enough to let this spill out. I'm not seeing that as him making an effort to make this work. He blames being "too drunk" then continues to drink too much. Only you can make sense of his rationale. Only you can decide the boundaries of your dignity. Can you tell us what actions he has taken toward his drinking problem?

KATIE77

(((HUG))) I feel for you sweetie. It is so hard. I have been there when I was with him a million times. Half the time he couldnt remember. He cheated on me with my "best mate" and one time I came downstairs to find him half naked with some woman between his legs! I saw it with my own eyes yet the next day he denied it!!! I kept thinking he would change, it wouldnt happen again, we could make it work etc... but it was all me putting in the effort. As soon as he had a drink in him this would all change and it was meaningless.

I feel for you I really do. It is totally your call. I know for me I could trust him sober but when he had a drink or 20 it was like he was a totally different person - a person who didnt seem to have any respect for himself nor me. I got to thinking "what has she got that I havent?"
I have now left him and I know the answer to that. I have my life back. I have new possibilites, new opportunities and I intend to grab every one of them.
To be brutally honest (and please this is only my opinion and I am speaking soley from my own experiences) he wont change and is likely to do it again.

You sound like such a gorgeous person who deserves to be loved and respected. There is someone out there - maybe you just havent found him.
(Hug)