This holiday I learned two important lessons...
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
This holiday I learned two important lessons...
As I reported a few months ago, Richard resumed drinking after 8 months of sobriety. Just as I suspected, the demon reared its ugly head on the weekend of July 4th, the same weekend he left his relatives' home and moved into an apartment of his own. I guess he was waiting until he found a place where no one would try to stop him from drinking or pass judgement on him.
The day he returned to the bottle I quietly bowed out of his life again and limited my interactions with him to accepting occassional phone calls from him, ending the call immediately if he seemed drunk, and speaking to him only when he appeared to be sober.
As the holiday approached and it became clear that he'd be spending the day alone, I felt an overwhelming saddness at the thought of him being alone on a day when most folks surround themselves with their loved ones. I toyed with the idea of inviting him over for dinner, but I was afraid that he'd think I was opening a door to invite him back into my life. In the end, and against my better judgment, I followed my heart and invited him to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with me.
We talked on the phone a few times, making plans on when/where we'd meet and I reiterated my boundary that no drinking or alcohol is allowed in my home. He agreed and sounded surprisingly sober throughout the remainder of the week.
I agreed to pick him up at the subway after work on Tuesday. He was waiting at the curb when I arrived. As he approached the car, he seemed a bit unsteady on his feet and waivered a bit when he put his bags in the back seat and I wasn't sure if he was drunk or if his health, which has been deteriorating rapidly over the last few months, was in further decline.
Once in the car, he appeared to be sober and we chatted for the nearly hour-long ride. All was going well until he took my hand in his and I realized that he was shaking uncontrollably. Being an insulin dependent diabetic, I thought his blood sugar was probably low, so I asked him when he last ate. He said he hadn't eaten anything all day. So I stopped at the nearest drive through and got him some food, which he ate in the car. It seemed to help, so we watched TV for a bit when we got home, then he checked his blood sugar (it was 118--a good reading), he gave himself his insulin shot, and we headed up for bed at around 11:00 pm.
He had difficulty falling asleep, kept getting up to use the bathroom, was drinking a lot of water, began to wander around the room, then rushed back into the bathroom to vomit. I asked him if he was OK. He said he had a bit of a stomach upset, but otherwise he felt fine.
He continued to get in and out of bed over the next couple of hours and I was finding it impossible to sleep throughout all his activity. I asked him if he wanted me to take him to the ER, but he insisted he was fine. By 3:30 am, he was still getting in and out of bed, wandering around the room, and having frequent trips to the bathroom. On the last trip, I noticed that his shirt was drenched and he nearly lost his balance twice on the way back to the bed, so I slipped downstairs and called 911 and told the operator that Richard was either seriously drunk or having a problem with his blood sugar. Either way, he needed help.
The ambulance arrived at 3:45 and I followed it to the hospital. His blood sugar had dropped to 30 and he was now suffering from full body tremors. I waited with Richard in the ER until we got an initial diagnosis. The doctor said he had the DT's.
Apparently, Richard was trying very hard to comply with my no alcohol, no drinking in my home rule that he stopped drinking altogether earlier in the week. They gave him something to bring his sugar level back to normal and another medication to halt the tremors, told me they were admitting him for the night, and he'd probably be released in the morning.
But by Wednedsay he was still suffering with tremors and they decided to keep another day. When I arrived at the hospital this morning expecting to take him home, I found him heavily sedated with a freshly stitched injury to his head and bleeding hands. Apparently he got confused over night, fell in the bathroom and hit his head on the sink.
I sat with him for a few hours, and he opened his eyes from time to time, but I'm sure he wasn't aware that I was there. So my daughter and I went on with our Thanksgiving plans and spent the remainder of the day at my brother and sister-in-law's home. We had a fine dinner, three fabulous desserts to choose from, and lots of fun playing with their four small children.
At this point, I think it's becoming clear that Richard probably is not able to take care of himself on his own. He's either too drunk to properly administer insulin himself or when he avoids alcohol he's too shaky and confused due to alcohol withdrawal.
When I arrived at the hospital this morning, the nurse pulled me aside to ask me if he lived alone and suggested that perhaps it's time to get him into some type of assisted living arrangement. I told her that I hadn't seen him in a few months, but after this weekend's events, I was thinking the same thing.
One of the most heartbreaking things about folks who suffer from alcoholism is that it seems that they're damned if they drink and they're damned if they don't. They seem to be caught in an endless loop of mysery, and I can now see clearly why it's so difficult for them to stop on their own.
Tonight Richard is being detoxed for the second time in a year. I wish that he'd take this as yet another opportunity to end his relationship with alcohol, but it's clear to me that he's simply not ready to do so.
And despite the heartbreak of it all, I am at peace with the way he's chosen to live his life. I know he's living it the best way he knows how and doing what he wants to do.
This holiday I learned two important lessons: a simple Thanksgiving invitation can invite a host of pain and drama into your life and it's not always healthy to follow your heart.
The day he returned to the bottle I quietly bowed out of his life again and limited my interactions with him to accepting occassional phone calls from him, ending the call immediately if he seemed drunk, and speaking to him only when he appeared to be sober.
As the holiday approached and it became clear that he'd be spending the day alone, I felt an overwhelming saddness at the thought of him being alone on a day when most folks surround themselves with their loved ones. I toyed with the idea of inviting him over for dinner, but I was afraid that he'd think I was opening a door to invite him back into my life. In the end, and against my better judgment, I followed my heart and invited him to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with me.
We talked on the phone a few times, making plans on when/where we'd meet and I reiterated my boundary that no drinking or alcohol is allowed in my home. He agreed and sounded surprisingly sober throughout the remainder of the week.
I agreed to pick him up at the subway after work on Tuesday. He was waiting at the curb when I arrived. As he approached the car, he seemed a bit unsteady on his feet and waivered a bit when he put his bags in the back seat and I wasn't sure if he was drunk or if his health, which has been deteriorating rapidly over the last few months, was in further decline.
Once in the car, he appeared to be sober and we chatted for the nearly hour-long ride. All was going well until he took my hand in his and I realized that he was shaking uncontrollably. Being an insulin dependent diabetic, I thought his blood sugar was probably low, so I asked him when he last ate. He said he hadn't eaten anything all day. So I stopped at the nearest drive through and got him some food, which he ate in the car. It seemed to help, so we watched TV for a bit when we got home, then he checked his blood sugar (it was 118--a good reading), he gave himself his insulin shot, and we headed up for bed at around 11:00 pm.
He had difficulty falling asleep, kept getting up to use the bathroom, was drinking a lot of water, began to wander around the room, then rushed back into the bathroom to vomit. I asked him if he was OK. He said he had a bit of a stomach upset, but otherwise he felt fine.
He continued to get in and out of bed over the next couple of hours and I was finding it impossible to sleep throughout all his activity. I asked him if he wanted me to take him to the ER, but he insisted he was fine. By 3:30 am, he was still getting in and out of bed, wandering around the room, and having frequent trips to the bathroom. On the last trip, I noticed that his shirt was drenched and he nearly lost his balance twice on the way back to the bed, so I slipped downstairs and called 911 and told the operator that Richard was either seriously drunk or having a problem with his blood sugar. Either way, he needed help.
The ambulance arrived at 3:45 and I followed it to the hospital. His blood sugar had dropped to 30 and he was now suffering from full body tremors. I waited with Richard in the ER until we got an initial diagnosis. The doctor said he had the DT's.
Apparently, Richard was trying very hard to comply with my no alcohol, no drinking in my home rule that he stopped drinking altogether earlier in the week. They gave him something to bring his sugar level back to normal and another medication to halt the tremors, told me they were admitting him for the night, and he'd probably be released in the morning.
But by Wednedsay he was still suffering with tremors and they decided to keep another day. When I arrived at the hospital this morning expecting to take him home, I found him heavily sedated with a freshly stitched injury to his head and bleeding hands. Apparently he got confused over night, fell in the bathroom and hit his head on the sink.
I sat with him for a few hours, and he opened his eyes from time to time, but I'm sure he wasn't aware that I was there. So my daughter and I went on with our Thanksgiving plans and spent the remainder of the day at my brother and sister-in-law's home. We had a fine dinner, three fabulous desserts to choose from, and lots of fun playing with their four small children.
At this point, I think it's becoming clear that Richard probably is not able to take care of himself on his own. He's either too drunk to properly administer insulin himself or when he avoids alcohol he's too shaky and confused due to alcohol withdrawal.
When I arrived at the hospital this morning, the nurse pulled me aside to ask me if he lived alone and suggested that perhaps it's time to get him into some type of assisted living arrangement. I told her that I hadn't seen him in a few months, but after this weekend's events, I was thinking the same thing.
One of the most heartbreaking things about folks who suffer from alcoholism is that it seems that they're damned if they drink and they're damned if they don't. They seem to be caught in an endless loop of mysery, and I can now see clearly why it's so difficult for them to stop on their own.
Tonight Richard is being detoxed for the second time in a year. I wish that he'd take this as yet another opportunity to end his relationship with alcohol, but it's clear to me that he's simply not ready to do so.
And despite the heartbreak of it all, I am at peace with the way he's chosen to live his life. I know he's living it the best way he knows how and doing what he wants to do.
This holiday I learned two important lessons: a simple Thanksgiving invitation can invite a host of pain and drama into your life and it's not always healthy to follow your heart.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think you did the right thing by inviting him, it obviously meant the world to him. This may be his last holiday. I'm not sure choice enters into for him. It sounds like he is addicted which means he doesn't have the ability to decline. He doesn't want to die, it sounds like he wants to live. I think it heartbreaking that someone wanted to be included so badly he tembled and shook for a week to see you. I would dwell on that part as you may remember your kind gesture as the last nice thing anyone did for dying man.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Jeesh, FD, what a heckuva way to spend your T-giving. However, you are at peace with accepting what Richard has decided to do. Still, it kinda stinks. I know how long you've been involved with him and how you feel about him. It breaks my heart that an A will be willing to die for a drink. He has enough health problems as it is, and if only he would stop drinking.
The "if only ..." is the hardest part of this disease.
The "if only ..." is the hardest part of this disease.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Oh, Jill, I'm just in tears. It is so very sad. Like Mallowcup said...he appreciated the invitation and wanted to spend the holidays with you, and he was willing to meet your boundary of not drinking. I hate it. I know they love us...they're just not entirely there. Take care.
(((FD)))
(((FD)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
If we knew then what we know now, we'd do it all differently. I don't put too much faith in remedies that have limitations. All secular things have limitations. God knows no limitations. Looking back what if they never could quit? What if the most important part of dealing with al alcoholic meant realizing they don't have the ability to not drink if they possibly can? The powers that be tell us about recovery programs. What if the lack of success in those programs is not the weakness of the alcoholic but instead the weakness of the program? Just a thought. Most solutions come from thinking outside the box. I can't accept some of the recovery programs ideas because they simply don't make sense. It requires unrealistic strength and good judgement that simply do not exist. I smoke cigarettes and I know I should quit. If I was dumped on an island in the middle of no where I would roll up palm leaves and light up. I understand the power of addiction. I hurt to think the degree of love I would get depends on me not picking up a cigarette. Alcohol hurts eveyone around them but so does cigarette smoke. One could say nicotine doesn't change a persons life like alcohol. Well , take my cigarettes away and see if I don't become disagreeable. I'm not saying we should tolerate the ill effects, I'm saying we have to reevaluate what works and what doesn't. I've seen DTs up close. It is horrible to see. I would never consider myself recovered if that were measured by my degree to watch a person go through this and walk away uneffected. If we lose our compassion and our desire to be kind in what we call recovery, I don't want it. I'd rather be an enabler. Life is not about me. We are allowed to consider ourselves certainly but if someone allowed themselves to go into the DTs just to be included at my Thanksgiving table I call that love. No human being wants to crawl around drunk, no one wants to lose the respect of others, no one wants to be unemployed. I don't know why I smoke. We all measure our degree of health by comparison to someone else. We can lose ourselves in alcoholism, I don't want to lose myself in recovery either. What works, what doesn't? The diet pills we spend a fortune on are supposed to work too but they don't. We keep buying them. With what you are seeing, I would have to take pause and ask this, Did this man fail the world or did the world fail this man?
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
I'm sorry honey for the pain in which you both have. For me this post is a eye opener. After my AH lost his last job I think he tried to stop drinking, he had no money. He had all of the same symptoms, vomiting, if he ate and very sad. I never wanted to believe that he was "bad" I wanted to believe that it was all in my head, That he was a addict. But now it is becoming clearer to me everyday. with posts like these I learn so much and I thank you for that. I love my husband but I know I'm no good for him.
Thank you for your post. My heart is with you
Thank you for your post. My heart is with you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Oh Jill those are such hard lessons to learn or to apply.
I recently found out that my ex John has returned home to
his parents after losing yet another job he is drinking still.
Even though the addiction is clear to me it still is hard to
digest it. Hang in there you are a very strong woman.
(((Jill)))
I recently found out that my ex John has returned home to
his parents after losing yet another job he is drinking still.
Even though the addiction is clear to me it still is hard to
digest it. Hang in there you are a very strong woman.
(((Jill)))
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Apparently, Richard was trying very hard to comply with my no alcohol, no drinking in my home rule that he stopped drinking altogether earlier in the week.
Thank you for sharing this, Former Doormat. You are a kind, compassionate and intelligent, strong woman.
In Recovery
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 259
((((((((formerdoormat))))))))))
Sweetheart,
I always look forward to hearing from you. I can see, as can others, the absolute love and compassion in your heart. That can only come from your knowing of the "real man" behind that horrible wall of booze and self-destruction.
I think you did the right thing...because you used the phrase, "I followed my heart...," and also because you most likely saved his life. Had he been alone that night....
What a sad thing to love someone so much, while knowing that you can't do a damned thing to help them.
I feel for you.
Sweetheart,
I always look forward to hearing from you. I can see, as can others, the absolute love and compassion in your heart. That can only come from your knowing of the "real man" behind that horrible wall of booze and self-destruction.
I think you did the right thing...because you used the phrase, "I followed my heart...," and also because you most likely saved his life. Had he been alone that night....
What a sad thing to love someone so much, while knowing that you can't do a damned thing to help them.
I feel for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
(((((((((Former Doormat))))))))))
I really just have no words to convey what I'm feeling right now. I truly don't. Just know you are in my thoughts.
I really just have no words to convey what I'm feeling right now. I truly don't. Just know you are in my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: england
Posts: 7
Why waste all your energy and emotions on a man who doesn't give a damn about himself?
If he cared about his life or your life for that matter, then he would stop drinking. 'Can't' doesn't come in to it. He's proved that he can stop drinking... he just doesn't want to which is why he continues to drink.
If you try and play God in a persons life, then God cannot get in there to do His work. You can't save him, no matter how many times you give him ultimatums. He has to want to save his own life and if he doesn't want to save himself, he will die.....there's nothing you can do about it, nothing at all.....you should change your name to 'stilladoormat' because that's what you are.
If he cared about his life or your life for that matter, then he would stop drinking. 'Can't' doesn't come in to it. He's proved that he can stop drinking... he just doesn't want to which is why he continues to drink.
If you try and play God in a persons life, then God cannot get in there to do His work. You can't save him, no matter how many times you give him ultimatums. He has to want to save his own life and if he doesn't want to save himself, he will die.....there's nothing you can do about it, nothing at all.....you should change your name to 'stilladoormat' because that's what you are.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
earthsong
imo......alcoholics still are creatures of god and deserve compassion. as codies, we strive very hard to protect ourselves from the effects of the disease, constantly praying for those that have not made the choice of recovery. it must be a very terrible place to be.
these are people that we love, although the disease has left them but a mere shadow of the wonderful people they once were.
i wish you well and happiness
jeri
imo......alcoholics still are creatures of god and deserve compassion. as codies, we strive very hard to protect ourselves from the effects of the disease, constantly praying for those that have not made the choice of recovery. it must be a very terrible place to be.
these are people that we love, although the disease has left them but a mere shadow of the wonderful people they once were.
i wish you well and happiness
jeri
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by earthsong
Why waste all your energy and emotions on a man who doesn't give a damn about himself?
If he cared about his life or your life for that matter, then he would stop drinking. 'Can't' doesn't come in to it. He's proved that he can stop drinking... he just doesn't want to which is why he continues to drink.
If you try and play God in a persons life, then God cannot get in there to do His work. You can't save him, no matter how many times you give him ultimatums. He has to want to save his own life and if he doesn't want to save himself, he will die.....there's nothing you can do about it, nothing at all.....you should change your name to 'stilladoormat' because that's what you are.
If he cared about his life or your life for that matter, then he would stop drinking. 'Can't' doesn't come in to it. He's proved that he can stop drinking... he just doesn't want to which is why he continues to drink.
If you try and play God in a persons life, then God cannot get in there to do His work. You can't save him, no matter how many times you give him ultimatums. He has to want to save his own life and if he doesn't want to save himself, he will die.....there's nothing you can do about it, nothing at all.....you should change your name to 'stilladoormat' because that's what you are.
3 weeks ago you wrote this:
A couple of weeks ago I got a call out of the blue from my ex... He hooked me back in again with his charm and persuaded me to go and visit him in his new apartment. He was drunk when I arrived... the place was a mess...but my defenses were down... I weakened and I stayed. I felt sorry for him being all alone and he knows exactly which strings to pull...
. . .
I had a relapse, nothing more than that.
. . .
I had a relapse, nothing more than that.
Compassion for all concerned is what's been so helpful to me. Take care.
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