angry and frustrated...
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angry and frustrated...
I have come to realize I do have anger and resentment towards my parents. I grew up in a really abusive home of raging alcoholics. I left home at 13 or 14 can't even be sure any more.
I put myself through a couple of degrees and have done generally well in my life with a couple of exceptions. I am an alcoholic... gee, what a surprise. Ok, I am dealing with that. It is part genetics and it is part my response to stress. Genetics in that I feel the cravings and urges way more than other people that I have talked to about this issue than those that don't come from a family where it is rampant. Response to stress in that sometimes it seems easier to run and stick one's head in a bottle than to deal with the situation... SEEMS being the operative word. It isn't.
Ok, now my anger and resentment is actually with regard to something totally different. I have been advised by a psychologist and a doctor that I will have to be on anti-depressant medications for the remainder of my life as a result of the chemical changes in my brain that occurred from growing up in a very stressful environment. In short, the serotonin levels in my brain, given that I grew up ina constant fight or flight scenario, are out of whack and as a result I have to take seratonin up take inhibitors to straighten things out. So, as a result of my parents' drinking and violence I am stuck taking pills that cost 75 per month for the remainder of my life.
Then to add to that b/c my brain is always on hyper vigilance as a result of my violent and turbulent childhood, I am also required to take sleeping pills from time to time to help me get rest. again, thanks to my parents alcoholism and violence I am paying 15.00 per month for the remainder of my life.
In short, I am pissed off that through no fault of my own I have to take medications for the remainder of my life to make me function in a somewhat "normal" fashion. This really irritates me. All I did was be born, they caused these problems and I have to live with them. The worst part is my father shot himself last year so I can't even go tell him I am pissed at him.
My mom has made amends as best she can, but again, I have to live with it for the rest of my life and she gets off with an "I'm sorry son, I didn't know what I was doing!"
Ok, so how does one deal with these feelings? I am a bit lost as to where to start. I've gone to counselling. It helped. I have stopped drinking, that helped a huge amount. I am in a good relationship with a VERY supportive woman, that's incredible. But even there I feel at a loss because at times I realize or she realizes that I am withdrawing and shutting down and then it comes to light that that is my coping mechanism from when I was a child. So, I am now becoming more aware of how I "cope" and I am attempting to talk about it with her and to stop it when it occurs because I don't want to shut her out or shut down on her, I love her. Again, how do I resolve these issues?
I have also written out the story of my rather turbulent and violent childhood. I have shared that with her as well. It was hard because my book about me goes into all of the details and it shows how badly I was mistreated and I don't want her to view me as a victim, I am not. I do, however, want her to understand me totally.
Any thoughts would be helpful.
Peace, Levi
I put myself through a couple of degrees and have done generally well in my life with a couple of exceptions. I am an alcoholic... gee, what a surprise. Ok, I am dealing with that. It is part genetics and it is part my response to stress. Genetics in that I feel the cravings and urges way more than other people that I have talked to about this issue than those that don't come from a family where it is rampant. Response to stress in that sometimes it seems easier to run and stick one's head in a bottle than to deal with the situation... SEEMS being the operative word. It isn't.
Ok, now my anger and resentment is actually with regard to something totally different. I have been advised by a psychologist and a doctor that I will have to be on anti-depressant medications for the remainder of my life as a result of the chemical changes in my brain that occurred from growing up in a very stressful environment. In short, the serotonin levels in my brain, given that I grew up ina constant fight or flight scenario, are out of whack and as a result I have to take seratonin up take inhibitors to straighten things out. So, as a result of my parents' drinking and violence I am stuck taking pills that cost 75 per month for the remainder of my life.
Then to add to that b/c my brain is always on hyper vigilance as a result of my violent and turbulent childhood, I am also required to take sleeping pills from time to time to help me get rest. again, thanks to my parents alcoholism and violence I am paying 15.00 per month for the remainder of my life.
In short, I am pissed off that through no fault of my own I have to take medications for the remainder of my life to make me function in a somewhat "normal" fashion. This really irritates me. All I did was be born, they caused these problems and I have to live with them. The worst part is my father shot himself last year so I can't even go tell him I am pissed at him.
My mom has made amends as best she can, but again, I have to live with it for the rest of my life and she gets off with an "I'm sorry son, I didn't know what I was doing!"
Ok, so how does one deal with these feelings? I am a bit lost as to where to start. I've gone to counselling. It helped. I have stopped drinking, that helped a huge amount. I am in a good relationship with a VERY supportive woman, that's incredible. But even there I feel at a loss because at times I realize or she realizes that I am withdrawing and shutting down and then it comes to light that that is my coping mechanism from when I was a child. So, I am now becoming more aware of how I "cope" and I am attempting to talk about it with her and to stop it when it occurs because I don't want to shut her out or shut down on her, I love her. Again, how do I resolve these issues?
I have also written out the story of my rather turbulent and violent childhood. I have shared that with her as well. It was hard because my book about me goes into all of the details and it shows how badly I was mistreated and I don't want her to view me as a victim, I am not. I do, however, want her to understand me totally.
Any thoughts would be helpful.
Peace, Levi
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I've noticed that my anger and resentment towards my parents has really flooded to the surface lately too. I think I must have suppressed it over the years. It's even gotten to the point where I have had really violent dreams where I am lashing out (physically and verbally) at my mother and father for hurting me. Those are really disturbing as I have never been a violent person in real life.
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Hi Gemini, thank you for your input. I was beginning to think maybe I had posted in the wrong forum or was totally out in right field ... or is it left field?
I've just noticed since getting into a serious relationship for the first time in five years that I am noticing my "triggers" come to the surface and I hate having to explain it over and over to my spouse. She is very understanding and doesn't begrudge it at all. In fact she is really happy that I am so open about it.
I just feel that at some point all this crap should fade away and I should not have to deal with it any longer. Reality seems to be that it becomes less of an influence and I become more aware of the triggers and deal with them, but it will always be there.
Perhaps I was out to lunch when I thought that I could take the kid out of the alcoholic abusive home and that would take the alcoholic abusive home out of the kid. That hasn't been the case.
Peace, Levi
I've just noticed since getting into a serious relationship for the first time in five years that I am noticing my "triggers" come to the surface and I hate having to explain it over and over to my spouse. She is very understanding and doesn't begrudge it at all. In fact she is really happy that I am so open about it.
I just feel that at some point all this crap should fade away and I should not have to deal with it any longer. Reality seems to be that it becomes less of an influence and I become more aware of the triggers and deal with them, but it will always be there.
Perhaps I was out to lunch when I thought that I could take the kid out of the alcoholic abusive home and that would take the alcoholic abusive home out of the kid. That hasn't been the case.
Peace, Levi
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Im so sorry your hurting.....
I was also raised in an abusive Alcoholic home ... My Mother was the Alcoholic in my childhood. My first husband was an A.... and there have been many since then as well.
I have to ask, do you believe in a HP? That would have alot to do with how I answer some things.
It took me years of theraphy to come to the point that I did not feel all the anger, pain and hurt. I too struggled with the "why me" issues when I was younger.... Today I have to ask "why not me" There are many that have it alot worse then I did....
What is true for me is I will never know the whys of it till the day I die and can look back with 20/20 vision. But one thing that I can do now is realize 2 things..... 1. My Mother did the best she knew how to do (boy did I get it when I had a child) and 2. There is a reason for everything... its not my will. I could have let those feelings go and kept no contact with my Mother... and then I would have missed out on how beautiful a human being she was.. You may think that she gets off with only a "Im Sorry" but we can never know what goes on in the heart of a Parent.... not to mention what happened to my Mother in her childhood that helped create who she was. If I were at a meeting and My Mother was talking, today I would have reached out to her and tried to help. Because she is my Mother should not make it different.
Today I love who I am, triggers, warts and all. Today I have the honor of reaching out to other people in pain and actually be able to help them because I have an experience that gives me the ability to "really" get them. When I share my story and someone comes to me with tears in their eyes saying "I did not think anyone would understand.... Im not alone, Thank you. Its the most amazingly humble experience to try to explain. I am not a victim, I am a survivor.... and because of that a whole world is open to me that someone that had a "leave it to Beaver" life could no possibly understand. Yes I still have things to work on, Yes going through it to heal was the hardest thing I have ever done.....
Today I choose not to think of my quirts as defects (triggers and such) but as Assets that allow me to help other people.
I was also raised in an abusive Alcoholic home ... My Mother was the Alcoholic in my childhood. My first husband was an A.... and there have been many since then as well.
I have to ask, do you believe in a HP? That would have alot to do with how I answer some things.
It took me years of theraphy to come to the point that I did not feel all the anger, pain and hurt. I too struggled with the "why me" issues when I was younger.... Today I have to ask "why not me" There are many that have it alot worse then I did....
What is true for me is I will never know the whys of it till the day I die and can look back with 20/20 vision. But one thing that I can do now is realize 2 things..... 1. My Mother did the best she knew how to do (boy did I get it when I had a child) and 2. There is a reason for everything... its not my will. I could have let those feelings go and kept no contact with my Mother... and then I would have missed out on how beautiful a human being she was.. You may think that she gets off with only a "Im Sorry" but we can never know what goes on in the heart of a Parent.... not to mention what happened to my Mother in her childhood that helped create who she was. If I were at a meeting and My Mother was talking, today I would have reached out to her and tried to help. Because she is my Mother should not make it different.
Today I love who I am, triggers, warts and all. Today I have the honor of reaching out to other people in pain and actually be able to help them because I have an experience that gives me the ability to "really" get them. When I share my story and someone comes to me with tears in their eyes saying "I did not think anyone would understand.... Im not alone, Thank you. Its the most amazingly humble experience to try to explain. I am not a victim, I am a survivor.... and because of that a whole world is open to me that someone that had a "leave it to Beaver" life could no possibly understand. Yes I still have things to work on, Yes going through it to heal was the hardest thing I have ever done.....
Today I choose not to think of my quirts as defects (triggers and such) but as Assets that allow me to help other people.
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I don't have much to add...I'm just delving into this stuff for the first time. I just wanted to say that I am starting to get a feel on some of the hurt...I don't guess I've reached anger yet.
Thanks for sharing Levi......
Thanks for sharing Levi......
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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leviathon,
Thanks for opening up (I, as a woman, love it when a man opens up to me--there's just something about that).
Anyway, I was wondering if you had considered seeing any other psychiatrists and getting a second opinion? Neurologist?
Personally, for me, I think it is a mistake to tell someone that they have to be on psychotropic drugs for the rest of their life. Obviously therapy, 12-steps, journaling, going to meetings, etc...cannot change one's brain chemistry.
But, from what you describe, it seems more like it is trauma-induced and relational to your coping mechanisms, and less of a chemical or organic problem in your brain itself.
I'm not a psychiatrist, but I personally think that--barring organic brain disorders and severe psychosis--for me, unless I figure out a way to "get down to" what's really at the root of my problem, I can never be free of it...release it, think of it without feeling some intense emotion. And frankly, I don't think we can do that on medication.
Again, I'm not a professional, just offering an alternative possibility. I refute the idea of being on any kind of medication for the rest of anyone's life (again, barring those severe problems I spoke of).
Just my Humble Opinion,
Thanks for opening up (I, as a woman, love it when a man opens up to me--there's just something about that).
Anyway, I was wondering if you had considered seeing any other psychiatrists and getting a second opinion? Neurologist?
Personally, for me, I think it is a mistake to tell someone that they have to be on psychotropic drugs for the rest of their life. Obviously therapy, 12-steps, journaling, going to meetings, etc...cannot change one's brain chemistry.
But, from what you describe, it seems more like it is trauma-induced and relational to your coping mechanisms, and less of a chemical or organic problem in your brain itself.
I'm not a psychiatrist, but I personally think that--barring organic brain disorders and severe psychosis--for me, unless I figure out a way to "get down to" what's really at the root of my problem, I can never be free of it...release it, think of it without feeling some intense emotion. And frankly, I don't think we can do that on medication.
Again, I'm not a professional, just offering an alternative possibility. I refute the idea of being on any kind of medication for the rest of anyone's life (again, barring those severe problems I spoke of).
Just my Humble Opinion,
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Originally Posted by leviathon 
I just feel that at some point all this crap should fade away and I should not have to deal with it any longer. Reality seems to be that it becomes less of an influence and I become more aware of the triggers and deal with them, but it will always be there.
I am happy to hear that you have what sounds like a very understanding, supportive and loving partner to help you along. That's a blessing that you deserve!
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Wow Cynay,
You have a great deal of wisdom to offer. Thank you for sharing that.
In response to your inquiry, thanks to my prayers and to God being there listening, I have a HP in my life. It was about five months ago, I was running a very difficult trial on behalf of clients that were very religious. I remember thinking to myself I really wish I could experience and have that kind of faith. That night I said a prayer for exactly that. A Weak or two later I began dating my now spouse, who I had known for 1.5 yrs, and turns out she has a very strong relationship with God and she is sharing that with me and helping me to expand my beliefs. It is amazing how God works!
I know both my parents had very difficult childhoods. My mom was pulled out of school when she was in grade six and put to work to support the family. Her father was extremely abusive... his idea of fun was beating small animals to death in the garage...I'm not kidding.
I try to remember that when I am hurt or angry over what happened, it is just hard at times and it seems like it will never end at others.
Peace, Levi
You have a great deal of wisdom to offer. Thank you for sharing that.
In response to your inquiry, thanks to my prayers and to God being there listening, I have a HP in my life. It was about five months ago, I was running a very difficult trial on behalf of clients that were very religious. I remember thinking to myself I really wish I could experience and have that kind of faith. That night I said a prayer for exactly that. A Weak or two later I began dating my now spouse, who I had known for 1.5 yrs, and turns out she has a very strong relationship with God and she is sharing that with me and helping me to expand my beliefs. It is amazing how God works!
I know both my parents had very difficult childhoods. My mom was pulled out of school when she was in grade six and put to work to support the family. Her father was extremely abusive... his idea of fun was beating small animals to death in the garage...I'm not kidding.
I try to remember that when I am hurt or angry over what happened, it is just hard at times and it seems like it will never end at others.
Peace, Levi
Originally Posted by Cynay
Im so sorry your hurting.....
I was also raised in an abusive Alcoholic home ... My Mother was the Alcoholic in my childhood. My first husband was an A.... and there have been many since then as well.
I have to ask, do you believe in a HP? That would have alot to do with how I answer some things.
It took me years of theraphy to come to the point that I did not feel all the anger, pain and hurt. I too struggled with the "why me" issues when I was younger.... Today I have to ask "why not me" There are many that have it alot worse then I did....
What is true for me is I will never know the whys of it till the day I die and can look back with 20/20 vision. But one thing that I can do now is realize 2 things..... 1. My Mother did the best she knew how to do (boy did I get it when I had a child) and 2. There is a reason for everything... its not my will. I could have let those feelings go and kept no contact with my Mother... and then I would have missed out on how beautiful a human being she was.. You may think that she gets off with only a "Im Sorry" but we can never know what goes on in the heart of a Parent.... not to mention what happened to my Mother in her childhood that helped create who she was. If I were at a meeting and My Mother was talking, today I would have reached out to her and tried to help. Because she is my Mother should not make it different.
Today I love who I am, triggers, warts and all. Today I have the honor of reaching out to other people in pain and actually be able to help them because I have an experience that gives me the ability to "really" get them. When I share my story and someone comes to me with tears in their eyes saying "I did not think anyone would understand.... Im not alone, Thank you. Its the most amazingly humble experience to try to explain. I am not a victim, I am a survivor.... and because of that a whole world is open to me that someone that had a "leave it to Beaver" life could no possibly understand. Yes I still have things to work on, Yes going through it to heal was the hardest thing I have ever done.....
Today I choose not to think of my quirts as defects (triggers and such) but as Assets that allow me to help other people.
I was also raised in an abusive Alcoholic home ... My Mother was the Alcoholic in my childhood. My first husband was an A.... and there have been many since then as well.
I have to ask, do you believe in a HP? That would have alot to do with how I answer some things.
It took me years of theraphy to come to the point that I did not feel all the anger, pain and hurt. I too struggled with the "why me" issues when I was younger.... Today I have to ask "why not me" There are many that have it alot worse then I did....
What is true for me is I will never know the whys of it till the day I die and can look back with 20/20 vision. But one thing that I can do now is realize 2 things..... 1. My Mother did the best she knew how to do (boy did I get it when I had a child) and 2. There is a reason for everything... its not my will. I could have let those feelings go and kept no contact with my Mother... and then I would have missed out on how beautiful a human being she was.. You may think that she gets off with only a "Im Sorry" but we can never know what goes on in the heart of a Parent.... not to mention what happened to my Mother in her childhood that helped create who she was. If I were at a meeting and My Mother was talking, today I would have reached out to her and tried to help. Because she is my Mother should not make it different.
Today I love who I am, triggers, warts and all. Today I have the honor of reaching out to other people in pain and actually be able to help them because I have an experience that gives me the ability to "really" get them. When I share my story and someone comes to me with tears in their eyes saying "I did not think anyone would understand.... Im not alone, Thank you. Its the most amazingly humble experience to try to explain. I am not a victim, I am a survivor.... and because of that a whole world is open to me that someone that had a "leave it to Beaver" life could no possibly understand. Yes I still have things to work on, Yes going through it to heal was the hardest thing I have ever done.....
Today I choose not to think of my quirts as defects (triggers and such) but as Assets that allow me to help other people.
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Hi Girlinside,
I appreciate your view, the way it was explained to me is that the "fight or flight" (read adrenal) system in my body was over active because of the constant (think daily) abuse and trauma of my childhood. It was very severe. I have dealt with it as best I can.
However, because the adrenal system was over active for so long (think 13-14 yrs), the doc(s) (think multiple) said that the seratonin levels in my brain have been permanently altered. This, in their view, is an organic change.
On the upside, I am on a VERY LOW dose. I take 10 mg per day of celaxa. I used to take 50 mg of effexor but without the same improvements.
Without the anti-d I tend to be melancholy and I have mood swings that are quite rapid. So, I think I would rather just take it.
Thank you for your input though.
Peace, Levi
I appreciate your view, the way it was explained to me is that the "fight or flight" (read adrenal) system in my body was over active because of the constant (think daily) abuse and trauma of my childhood. It was very severe. I have dealt with it as best I can.
However, because the adrenal system was over active for so long (think 13-14 yrs), the doc(s) (think multiple) said that the seratonin levels in my brain have been permanently altered. This, in their view, is an organic change.
On the upside, I am on a VERY LOW dose. I take 10 mg per day of celaxa. I used to take 50 mg of effexor but without the same improvements.
Without the anti-d I tend to be melancholy and I have mood swings that are quite rapid. So, I think I would rather just take it.
Thank you for your input though.
Peace, Levi
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Gemini,
Thank you for the inspiring words. I hope that what you say is true. I do want it behind me. I want to have a normal life. I know that I have to work through the stuff as it comes up. I do do that. I also try to be gentle on myself when it comes up.
I am fortunate that my lady is so kind and understanding of me. She is truly a blessing. I try to remember to tell her that and show her how much she means to me.
Peace, Levi
Thank you for the inspiring words. I hope that what you say is true. I do want it behind me. I want to have a normal life. I know that I have to work through the stuff as it comes up. I do do that. I also try to be gentle on myself when it comes up.
I am fortunate that my lady is so kind and understanding of me. She is truly a blessing. I try to remember to tell her that and show her how much she means to me.
Peace, Levi
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Levi,
How could you put into words what I am feeling? Reading your OP I realized that I am not angry at my FIL but at the way his addiction hurt my husband, and how it effects him on a daily basis. You don't even know how important that was for me to realize. I would be angry at my FIL and then talk myself through it...it is a sickness etc. and never get to the anger about the mind altering pain he caused my husband. H is very open about everything but his family and childhood so it was very helpful to read your words, it helps me understand him a little better.
Thank you
How could you put into words what I am feeling? Reading your OP I realized that I am not angry at my FIL but at the way his addiction hurt my husband, and how it effects him on a daily basis. You don't even know how important that was for me to realize. I would be angry at my FIL and then talk myself through it...it is a sickness etc. and never get to the anger about the mind altering pain he caused my husband. H is very open about everything but his family and childhood so it was very helpful to read your words, it helps me understand him a little better.
Thank you
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I feel alot of anger towards my parents and cant let it go, mainly my mother for not giving me the childhood years i deserved. Years of emotional and physical abuse is all I can remember, no good time (maybe a rare occasion which always resorted in the end to drink). Why do people resort to drink, i'm an unhappy teenager but i do not resort to drink, mayb the fact that i have watched my mother ruin herself. Everyone related to my mother, have had their lives turned upside down by her selfishness especially my sisters and I. When will she ever realise, she has also lost her husband, my father because of her selfish habit.
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So much pain... Im sorry you are all hurting and wish I had the right words to take it away... but I dont.
Sometimes the Alcoholic never gives up the drinking/addiction.... The disease of Alcoholism is one of the strongest and perception altering that I know of. In the long term Alcoholic it can/does permently changes the thought process.... I got alot of information from a book named "under the influence" to help me understand the physical/mental basics of Alcoholism.
One thing I did want to share.... after alot of theraphy, talking with my Mother etc..... Before she died she would tell me how proud she was of me, that in raising my daughter I was breaking this chain of abuse and addiction. That was not the life she dreamed of as a little girl.... It was a disease and the mental part was handed down to her.... she did not know to/how to get help.
Sometimes the Alcoholic never gives up the drinking/addiction.... The disease of Alcoholism is one of the strongest and perception altering that I know of. In the long term Alcoholic it can/does permently changes the thought process.... I got alot of information from a book named "under the influence" to help me understand the physical/mental basics of Alcoholism.
One thing I did want to share.... after alot of theraphy, talking with my Mother etc..... Before she died she would tell me how proud she was of me, that in raising my daughter I was breaking this chain of abuse and addiction. That was not the life she dreamed of as a little girl.... It was a disease and the mental part was handed down to her.... she did not know to/how to get help.
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Blondy, I am glad my words helped you to gain greater understanding.
I know my lady gets upset b/c of what my parents did to me and the pain that I struggle with. It is doubly difficult b/c while my father committed suicide a couple years ago, my mom is still alive and she has to deal with her from time to time. It is really hard for her not to be mad at her when we are in her presence.
I can't imagine what it is like for her or you to have to deal with us but I can tell you that your love is part of what is securing a MUCH better life for your H. Keep loving him, he is a good person and his past doesn't mean he is just his past.
Peace, Levi
I know my lady gets upset b/c of what my parents did to me and the pain that I struggle with. It is doubly difficult b/c while my father committed suicide a couple years ago, my mom is still alive and she has to deal with her from time to time. It is really hard for her not to be mad at her when we are in her presence.
I can't imagine what it is like for her or you to have to deal with us but I can tell you that your love is part of what is securing a MUCH better life for your H. Keep loving him, he is a good person and his past doesn't mean he is just his past.
Peace, Levi
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Hi Leighx87,
I am glad to hear you are not drinking. Keep vigilant on that front. When I was a teenager I thought I would NEVER drink. Then in my thirties I fell into it hard. I am now back on track in my later thirties but I also learned that I have to deal with what I grew up with.
Do drinkers not realize what they do to others? I know I didn't. I just saw it as all about me. I am not hurting anyone but myself so why should they care. That was my attitude. Fortunately, I had a very loving niece and sister who helped get me to sober up. I now realize how much pain I caused them by them having to sit and watch me self destruct.
Peace, Levi
I am glad to hear you are not drinking. Keep vigilant on that front. When I was a teenager I thought I would NEVER drink. Then in my thirties I fell into it hard. I am now back on track in my later thirties but I also learned that I have to deal with what I grew up with.
Do drinkers not realize what they do to others? I know I didn't. I just saw it as all about me. I am not hurting anyone but myself so why should they care. That was my attitude. Fortunately, I had a very loving niece and sister who helped get me to sober up. I now realize how much pain I caused them by them having to sit and watch me self destruct.
Peace, Levi
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