anger and frustration

Old 11-22-2006, 12:58 PM
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anger and frustration

I have come to realize I do have anger and resentment towards my parents. I grew up in a really abusive home of raging alcoholics. I left home at 13 or 14 can't even be sure any more.

I put myself through a couple of degrees and have done generally well in my life with a couple of exceptions. I am an alcoholic... gee, what a surprise. Ok, I am dealing with that. It is part genetics and it is part my response to stress. Genetics in that I feel the cravings and urges way more than other people that I have talked to about this issue than those that don't come from a family where it is rampant. Response to stress in that sometimes it seems easier to run and stick one's head in a bottle than to deal with the situation... SEEMS being the operative word. It isn't.

Ok, now my anger and resentment is actually with regard to something totally different. I have been advised by a psychologist and a doctor that I will have to be on anti-depressant medications for the remainder of my life as a result of the chemical changes in my brain that occurred from growing up in a very stressful environment. In short, the serotonin levels in my brain, given that I grew up ina constant fight or flight scenario, are out of whack and as a result I have to take seratonin up take inhibitors to straighten things out. So, as a result of my parents' drinking and violence I am stuck taking pills that cost 75 per month for the remainder of my life.

Then to add to that b/c my brain is always on hyper vigilance as a result of my violent and turbulent childhood, I am also required to take sleeping pills from time to time to help me get rest. again, thanks to my parents alcoholism and violence I am paying 15.00 per month for the remainder of my life.

In short, I am pissed off that through no fault of my own I have to take medications for the remainder of my life to make me function in a somewhat "normal" fashion. This really irritates me. All I did was be born, they caused these problems and I have to live with them. The worst part is my father shot himself last year so I can't even go tell him I am pissed at him.

My mom has made amends as best she can, but again, I have to live with it for the rest of my life and she gets off with an "I'm sorry son, I didn't know what I was doing!"

Ok, so how does one deal with these feelings? I am a bit lost as to where to start. I've gone to counselling. It helped. I have stopped drinking, that helped a huge amount. I am in a good relationship with a VERY supportive woman, that's incredible. But even there I feel at a loss because at times I realize or she realizes that I am withdrawing and shutting down and then it comes to light that that is my coping mechanism from when I was a child. So, I am now becoming more aware of how I "cope" and I am attempting to talk about it with her and to stop it when it occurs because I don't want to shut her out or shut down on her, I love her. Again, how do I resolve these issues?

I have also written out the story of my rather turbulent and violent childhood. I have shared that with her as well. It was hard because my book about me goes into all of the details and it shows how badly I was mistreated and I don't want her to view me as a victim, I am not. I do, however, want her to understand me totally.

Any thoughts would be helpful.

Peace, Levi
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Old 11-22-2006, 02:17 PM
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Smile I can relate

Hi. I'm new here, and was just going through posts. I read yours and thought, . . .that's me. My mom is/was a raging alcoholic who became quite abusive when drinking. My father didn't acknowledge me until I was 18 years old because it was inconvenient to leave the bar long enough to do so. I too feel the anger and frustration. I have made a decent adult life for myself. I have an amazing husband and a beautiful daughter. Though I have not had problems with drinking, I do not react to situations the way "normal" people do. I am often moody, or sad, and it is difficult for friends and family to understand. It's certainly not fair that we have to live with these scars that will never fully heal. The important thing, at least for me, to remember is that the things that happened in my childhood were unfair, and horrible. But they are in my past. The best way I can keep taking care of myself, and the child inside who so longs for affection, is to do it better than they did. So each day I put one foot in front of the other and do my best to love the people in my life, and most importantly to love myself. Just because my parents didn't, doesn't mean I can't. Good luck.
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Old 11-22-2006, 02:34 PM
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hello levi

so sorry for the feelings you are having.....i understand.

have you ever attended al-anon meetings??? xah was raised in a situation like you described and his persona sounds so similiar to yourself.

al-anon saved my life....helped me understand what to do to help myself and to quit focusing on the problems created by alcoholism.

the beauty of al-anon is that it can be applied to any, any, any problems we encounter.

glad you came here....keep coming back......

blessings
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Old 11-22-2006, 05:01 PM
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Your anger is understandable. After all, at one time you were a defenseless child whose parents dumped on him. I think a lot of us grew up in crazy, violent, dysfunctional homes. Have you ever read any books by John Bradshaw? His main topic is helping one deal with the wounded child we carry around inside of ourselves.

I think your anger has been something you've carried around for a long time. My parents are both dead and yet they are still alive in a way because I still hate the abuse they heaped on me when I was too little to protect or defend myself.

We have to learn to love ourselves. I think with the development of self-love comes the ability to slowly begin to forgive the garbage our parents did to us.

I, too, have to take an antidepressant and anti-anxiety med for the rest of my life.
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Old 11-22-2006, 05:23 PM
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Thank you Prodigal. Your words are helpful. Helpful in pointing out some steps to work on...forgiveness... and helpful in knowing that I am not crazy and that I am not alone in having to take this bloody medication through no fault of my own.

I am frustrated and angry over this. I would say why me, but I know that there is no answer to that. Rather I can say, what do I do about this situation? That is the only thing that will lead me to a solution.

Peace, Levi
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Old 11-22-2006, 06:01 PM
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Hi Levi,
I'm glad you came over here to see us!
I have a few thoughts come to mind as I read your posts here. Aside from the awful things that happened around you as a child- you now have some medical issues that need attention. I can't help but think of my two kids (one is AS) who have had diabetes since they were very small. They did nothing to deserve this and they require medicine to stay alive. The costs are staggering for them and they can have serious complications due to their condition. The difference here is that you have been told that the stress you endured caused your health issues. You can place blame for it and they are tied together, but the many also have these difficulties w/o experiencing the childhood you did, and some people -even in the same family have not become clinically depressed after traumatic childhoods. Maybe to separate the cause and the result can help you sort it out...It's just an idea and may not be helpful at all for you. jmho
Resentments will always bring me down. I have them and work on it in order to maintain my serenity and follow my faith. Your parents, it appears did alot of damage. What is the target of your anger? None of what has happened to you has been fair or right yet look how far you have come and rose above? Not many kids from non alcoholic/abusive families ever attain what you have. Your story is inspiring to me. I would be surprised that anyone could come from the place you have without having some difficult inner work to do. Bradshaw is an excellent author as has been stated already. I think reading his work will help you alot.
btw.. I sometimes wish I had the same answers you seek as I struggle with mr cmc having MS. His meds make him very sick and yet he needs them to keep his condition from worsening. It's not an easy life but there is always hope for us and we can learn to change our thinking and learn to cope with what we are handed in life.
The good things? You have made a good life for yourself with a wonderful lady, there ARE meds that will help and you can continue to work on the rest.
big hugs,
cmc
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Old 11-22-2006, 08:13 PM
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Your serenity is inspiring CMC. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I know the cost is not great, what is 90 a month. I also have chronically high cholesterol (father's side) that requires a prescription of about 100.00 month. I don't begrudge that in the same way.

Maybe it is the fact that these all deal with my mind and that they make me feel like I am not in control. At least with the cholesterol I could change my diet, take salmon oil, exercise, quit smoking, etc. and have some impact, with the depression and sleep disorders I don't have any control over it. I either take the meds or I can go days without sleeping... I either take the meds or I become moody and unhappy...

I am trying to come to terms with everything in my life, and it is more important to me now than ever before because I have found someone very special that I can see spending my life with. I want the best and I know I have to give the best to get the best... sometimes I just feel damaged and that I can never truly give the "best" because of it.

She doesn't care, really doesn't care, is just happy to love me and be with me... this is all from me. She is aware of my childhood, its lasting impact and my issues with alcohol and accepts it. Instead of being down on it she is happy I take the meds, that I recognize I have a problem with alcohol ... so why does it bother me so much then?

Peace, Levi

PS I have read Bradshaw, maybe I need to re read his works.
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