It's been a while
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 30
It's been a while
It's been a while since I've been here. School is keeping me really busy,as is the rest of my life! But I wanted to post something on here and get an actual opinion about it. I also need someone to help me to stop feeling guilty.
A few weeks ago I went to my parents house to visit and see my younger brother in his high school play.My dad was cooking on the grill and called me outside to tell me about some medical problems he has been having. It doesn't seem to be a big deal, a few cyts on his kidneys and they don't know why or what to do with them. He told me about a procuedure he was going to have to have. According to both my parents and some other people with some medical knowledge, it isn't a really big deal. No one has mentioned the dreaded C word or anything.
Anyway, after dinner my dad calls me back outside and asks me to bring my mom with me. So my dad asks me (jokingly) how old I am now. He then asks me (not joking) if I can handle adult things now. Of course I can. Last I checked, I have been handling adult things for quite a while now. So he pulls out a joint, lights up and says that this is how he is dealing with his problem. Then he passes it to my mom and I said "So is this how you are dealing with the problem too?" She said "No. Yes. No. Well....yeah." Dad said he didn't want to hide it anymore. I told him they never really hid it to being with...and then they laughed at me. I think that hurt the most.
I left the house shortly after that to go to the store. I sat in my car in the parking lot and cried and called my husband (who wasn't able to come with me). he wasn't helpful at all. He told me I was probably over reacting and "at least they were being honest about it". He didn't grow up there, he doesn't understand. As wonderful of a man that he is, there are jsut certain things that i can't talk to him about. I was so angry at my parents for laughing at me, and for doing what seemed like a slap in the face by smoking in front of me.
So now comes the guilt part. My dad had his procedure on Thursday. It went fine, but he had some side effects afterwards. So now I am sitting here feeling guilty about being angry at them. Dad is fine now, but he is off his blood pressure meds becuase of the side effects from the anesthesia. It's such a complex story and not really that important in the grand scheme of things. Basically, I feel like crap becuase I was mad at them and then there was this crisis.
I have a right to be angry, right? I mean, it's not to the point where I am going to stop speaking to them or anything, but I was angry. And I have times when I just don't know if my feelings are valid. I know, logically that me being angry didn't cause my dad to have complications, but deep down, there is this little something telling me that I did have a role in it.
I know I do a lot of taking on this site and not a lot of giving, but I appreciate everything people have to say to me. Any insight into my situation would be great. Thanks for making it all the way through this post.
A few weeks ago I went to my parents house to visit and see my younger brother in his high school play.My dad was cooking on the grill and called me outside to tell me about some medical problems he has been having. It doesn't seem to be a big deal, a few cyts on his kidneys and they don't know why or what to do with them. He told me about a procuedure he was going to have to have. According to both my parents and some other people with some medical knowledge, it isn't a really big deal. No one has mentioned the dreaded C word or anything.
Anyway, after dinner my dad calls me back outside and asks me to bring my mom with me. So my dad asks me (jokingly) how old I am now. He then asks me (not joking) if I can handle adult things now. Of course I can. Last I checked, I have been handling adult things for quite a while now. So he pulls out a joint, lights up and says that this is how he is dealing with his problem. Then he passes it to my mom and I said "So is this how you are dealing with the problem too?" She said "No. Yes. No. Well....yeah." Dad said he didn't want to hide it anymore. I told him they never really hid it to being with...and then they laughed at me. I think that hurt the most.
I left the house shortly after that to go to the store. I sat in my car in the parking lot and cried and called my husband (who wasn't able to come with me). he wasn't helpful at all. He told me I was probably over reacting and "at least they were being honest about it". He didn't grow up there, he doesn't understand. As wonderful of a man that he is, there are jsut certain things that i can't talk to him about. I was so angry at my parents for laughing at me, and for doing what seemed like a slap in the face by smoking in front of me.
So now comes the guilt part. My dad had his procedure on Thursday. It went fine, but he had some side effects afterwards. So now I am sitting here feeling guilty about being angry at them. Dad is fine now, but he is off his blood pressure meds becuase of the side effects from the anesthesia. It's such a complex story and not really that important in the grand scheme of things. Basically, I feel like crap becuase I was mad at them and then there was this crisis.
I have a right to be angry, right? I mean, it's not to the point where I am going to stop speaking to them or anything, but I was angry. And I have times when I just don't know if my feelings are valid. I know, logically that me being angry didn't cause my dad to have complications, but deep down, there is this little something telling me that I did have a role in it.
I know I do a lot of taking on this site and not a lot of giving, but I appreciate everything people have to say to me. Any insight into my situation would be great. Thanks for making it all the way through this post.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome back....
I dont know your history in the family so what Im going on is just what I read here.....
First of all YES you have a right to feel anything you want. Right or Wrong they are your feelings and you also have a right to put your boundries into place and ask them to be respected. So it would not be wrong to let your parents know that it bothers you that they are doing this, you dont agree and asked them not to smoke around you. The boundry could be that if they do you will choose to leave.
Now about the laughing .... Im not sure they were laughing "AT" you hon, Many people use that when they are uncomfortable with a situation. I will also at times use humor when things get uncomfortable. The only way to know for sure is to straight out ask why they were laughing. Im guessing but they may have reacted that way in a defense of knowing they would be judged.
You anger had nothing to do with the complications sweetie and you already know that. I dont know where it is written in the books that children can not be angry with there parents..... just like it not written that a Parent can not be anger at their child.... My daughter has no problem being anger with me.
You feelings and choices are valid. You do have the right to set boundries and talk with them about what you do and dont want to know or be around. You do however need to realize it is their right to "choose" to do what they want and that you can not control that. In that you would just have to learn to detach.
I hope I helped some.... I look forward to getting to know you better.
I dont know your history in the family so what Im going on is just what I read here.....
First of all YES you have a right to feel anything you want. Right or Wrong they are your feelings and you also have a right to put your boundries into place and ask them to be respected. So it would not be wrong to let your parents know that it bothers you that they are doing this, you dont agree and asked them not to smoke around you. The boundry could be that if they do you will choose to leave.
Now about the laughing .... Im not sure they were laughing "AT" you hon, Many people use that when they are uncomfortable with a situation. I will also at times use humor when things get uncomfortable. The only way to know for sure is to straight out ask why they were laughing. Im guessing but they may have reacted that way in a defense of knowing they would be judged.
You anger had nothing to do with the complications sweetie and you already know that. I dont know where it is written in the books that children can not be angry with there parents..... just like it not written that a Parent can not be anger at their child.... My daughter has no problem being anger with me.
You feelings and choices are valid. You do have the right to set boundries and talk with them about what you do and dont want to know or be around. You do however need to realize it is their right to "choose" to do what they want and that you can not control that. In that you would just have to learn to detach.
I hope I helped some.... I look forward to getting to know you better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there katie, glad you dropped by 
By the way, you are welcome to drop by whenever the feeling moves you. There's no requirement for anybody to post anything. We are here for anybody who needs us.
As far as having a right to be angry, yup you sure do. As I recall we've worked on this issue before. We've talked about how all of us have felt the pain of being raised in a "toxic family", and that the details of that family are irrelevant. In a toxic family us kids get ignored and feel unloved. That hurts.
Doesn't matter what drug our parents used, or how much, or how long. Pain is pain and there is no "ruler" to use to compare one pain to another.
Feelings are _always_ valid. It's what _actions_ I take with those feelings that can be good or bad. So if you feel angry at your parents then those feelings are completely valid.
Guilty is just another feeling. I felt guilty for all sorts of stuff that happened to my biological parents. My feelings of guilt come from having been forced into being an "adult" when I was really just a child. In my biological family I was the only one acting in an "adult" manner. All the grown ups where behaving like children. Now that I really am an adult I still have those childhood reflexes of feeling somehow responsible for the lives of my "children".
I've been able to get rid of most of those reflexes with therapy and 12 step programs such as al-anon and ACoA. I find that the al-anon slogan of the "three C's" really works for me.
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.
In my case the "it" is the childish and irresponsible behavior of my biological parents. So when I feel guilty for _their_ lives I have to remind myself that _they_ are adults and _they_ are responsible for their own lives. Not me. I am responsible for _my_ life and that's all that's fair.
Whadya think?
Mike
By the way, you are welcome to drop by whenever the feeling moves you. There's no requirement for anybody to post anything. We are here for anybody who needs us.
As far as having a right to be angry, yup you sure do. As I recall we've worked on this issue before. We've talked about how all of us have felt the pain of being raised in a "toxic family", and that the details of that family are irrelevant. In a toxic family us kids get ignored and feel unloved. That hurts.
Doesn't matter what drug our parents used, or how much, or how long. Pain is pain and there is no "ruler" to use to compare one pain to another.
Feelings are _always_ valid. It's what _actions_ I take with those feelings that can be good or bad. So if you feel angry at your parents then those feelings are completely valid.
Guilty is just another feeling. I felt guilty for all sorts of stuff that happened to my biological parents. My feelings of guilt come from having been forced into being an "adult" when I was really just a child. In my biological family I was the only one acting in an "adult" manner. All the grown ups where behaving like children. Now that I really am an adult I still have those childhood reflexes of feeling somehow responsible for the lives of my "children".
I've been able to get rid of most of those reflexes with therapy and 12 step programs such as al-anon and ACoA. I find that the al-anon slogan of the "three C's" really works for me.
I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.
In my case the "it" is the childish and irresponsible behavior of my biological parents. So when I feel guilty for _their_ lives I have to remind myself that _they_ are adults and _they_ are responsible for their own lives. Not me. I am responsible for _my_ life and that's all that's fair.
Whadya think?
Mike
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