Mr. Christian

Well after 4 months of seeing someone and developing strong feelings for her, she tells me she is not ready for a relationship.

That she need time to think things out. I said fine, so you want me to disappear, this is it huh?
She said no.
I don’t understand, she does not want me to go find anyone else, she does not want me to vanish, but then she does not want me to call either. What’s up with women?

denny57

((((mr. c))))

Hey, what's up with men? LOL!

Maybe she just got a little nervous with the developing strong feelings thing after only 4 months. If she said she doesn't want you to disappear take her word for it. Now, what do YOU want? Are you willing to take a few steps back?

FormerDoormat

I think she's trying to tell you that things aren't working out as she had planned. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Wouldn't you rather find out at 4 months that the relationship is going nowhere than, say, years down the road?

Hang in there, Mr. C., you'll find what you're looking for. In the meantime, get on with your life. No need to wait for someone who's so indecisive.

embraced2000

(((hugs ))) mr. c!!!!!

from my past experience, i can tell you i don't know a single thing bout nothin. but then on some days, i can tell you i know a thing or two about a thing or two.

sorry that you are experiencing this...but like fdm said....how wonderful to find out now instead of a year or two into the relationship.

maybe she felt your feelings were stronger than hers, and she needed to step back. only you know.

what's that "feeler" in your gut telling you???

blessings
jeri

Mr. Christian

Well after telling me all this, in person I might add.
I had paid her a visit at her place.
She kissed me twice, yeah!
When I left she did not go in the house she stood there and watched me leave and she was crying.....

Oh one other thing, which I found out after we were seeing each other, her ex is a "A".

Yep!

embraced2000

sounds like a lot of mixed signals there, mr. c.

no wonder you're bewildered.

blessings
jeri

Mr. Christian

very,
very hurt right now also. This is the 1st time I opened up to another like this in the last 3 years.

FriendofBill

Mr. C,

Dear, if she was with an alcoholic in the past, she simply is affected, infected and dejected with distrust, fear, anxiety etc. She prob doesnt know how to jump in with both feet in a new relationship, worried you will hurt her and all that. You both are affected, like 2 school kids, not knowing the next right thing to do.

She obviously cares for you a great deal, she just has mountains of past pain to heal. That can only be done by her...she may not even know where to start.

Have you suggested al-anon, for the both of you? Therapy?

That would make a good start....

hang in there...

JessicaNAJ

Walk away...give her the space she needs. If you needed space, you wouldn't want to be worried about "hurting someone", you'd want them to respect that and give you the space you need.

Sounds like she has some CoDe issues.....she needs her space, but don't want to hurt you. I'm sure it hurts her too.

Walk away for now, but leave the door open that she can call you anytime she likes.

You've got 4 months invested in this....every day is a learning and growing experience, learn and grow from these wonderful past 4 months. This is your life....be happy.

denny57

Mr. C - she hasn't said she never wants to see you.

I know you attend Al-Anon and you come here. You've seen what the disease does to all of us.

I know you're hurt - it's risky to be vulnerable - just take good care of yourself.

kermit

Hey there. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. It was nice to see you Sunday. I wish we could have talked. You know my story most.
I know that If I am lucky enough to get involved with someone again I to would be scared of my past sneaking up on me. Maybe she is affraid to get close or "love" again. When we get hurt it is hard to trust again. Has she been seperated long from her A? May be she is not ready, Take it slow. Just enjoy eachother with no worry about tomorrow. One day at a time my friend.
My thoughts are with you,
Lynne

StandingStrong

Mr C - you gotta work on your recovery. And in doing that, you really need to work the steps. I've come to realize that the tools I've learned here can be used in many areas of my life.
I know you're hurt and upset right now and I understand that. But at this point - look at the "what is". She just needs some time. She hasn't ended things or said she didn't want to see you, she's just asked for some time. So stop making things out worse than they really are, okay? It's that CoDe thing we all do - obsess, worry, read things into things that aren't really there as we're paranoid, etc..... So...you take one moment at a time, one day at a time, and you keep on focusing on your life. And remember, that to fully live life, you have to enjoy it!
Have faith in your HP and take one day at a time. Okay?

(((MR C)))

Mr. Christian

Thank you ALL for getting back to me on this…
It is true that she said she finds it hard to trust, or love. It’s been 7 yrs since her and her husband broke up. She told me she only really had 2 other relationships after that.
She has gone to Alanon and we have talked about her daughter getting into alateen.

I know she did only ask for space, and I know I see the worst in everything. But I guess that’s what I’ve been used to the worst in everything.
Fact is I have fallen for her, and right now I feel foolish, hurt and really lost.
Even when we did not see each other we would spend hours on the phone. She is very dear to me and I have not felt like this for a long time.

Sleep did not come easy last night. My readings and praying did not seem to help.
Now with the holidays upon us we were talking of plans to spend time together.
I guess that’s backed up also. I’m not sure. I just know that this is not right.

I just remember her standing there crying as I drove off, this shouldn’t be.

kermit

a friend once told me "trust in your HP" Could that have been you?
Don't rush.AND don't push!!!! If it is ment to be it will be.

Pick-a-name

Once burned,twice warned....maybe she is afraid to trust herself. Evidently, you have BOTH been through a lot. Slow it down. If nothing else,you could still end up with a great friend but rush things faster than she is comfortable with, and you will even loose that.JMHO. Actually, she sounds rather healthy to me.

Keep the focus on yourself........you still have a lot of issues I am sure you need to work through,too. Maybe she realizes that too and is giving you the space to do that. Time will tell.

cwohio

aww ((mr c)) - everyone has given you some good perspectives. you, yourself said it was the first time in a while you had opened up to someone. trusting OUR feelings and someone else is something that for those of us who have lived with alcoholism, is very tough. she's probably feeling that tug-of-war inside - i want to trust - but i've been burned before. you've come a long way - who would have thought so many months ago that you could get this far and actually open up to someone else. take care!

mallowcup

I think she's keeping you as an option. Problem is that human being have a short shelf life. She doesn't quite want you right now, but she doesn't want to lose that option either. I guess she measures your degree of caring with your willingness to get on the shelf and sit there. There is a clock in the background of all this. Imagine a woman saying this, "I want you now, I can't get enough of you!" She's out there praying for you to come along.

FormerDoormat

Mr. C, if it's been seven years since her divorce and she's still having trouble moving on, it's no wonder that she can't seem to comit to you. I think she's still in a "stuck" mode and afraid to move on. And considering that she's been in this mode for the last seven years, I'm afraid you may have to wait for her to come around for a long, long time. Are you willing to put your needs on hold again or cut your losses early and find someone who's 100% emotionally available?

I think you know which is the healthier option. But whatever you decide, I'll be right here to support you.

denny57

Thanks for sharing, Mr. C. Sometimes I forget things will work out the way they should. When I don't know what to do - I do nothing. Work hard on enjoying your holiday time, no matter what happens.

((()))

JessicaNAJ

Did you fall for her, or for the company and attention? Maybe you fell for the feelings...this could be someone who needs you take care of them?

You've been hurt bad by your ex.....are you trying to replace the emptiness she left behind?

No need to feel foolish.....you are human with feelings and emotions. Learn from them.