queenteree

My AH is sober this week (he does that every once in a while) and when he's sober he's not depressed, moody, miserable, etc. that many other A's are. In fact, he is the most kind, caring, funny, loving, sweet husband anyone can wish for (and it's not a con game, I've been with him 20 years, 14 of which he was sober and always acted that way). And that lasts the whole time he's sober. Why is that? I thought they were supposed to keep the A mentality even when they sobered up. When he's on a bender he's moody, depressed and selfish. Any thoughts? Thanks.

deax

I understand this, my exbf used to be the same way. He was always ncie and fine when I know he wasn't drinking or using, looking forward to seeing the answers you get to this. He was more of a jerk after a binge (of whatever) and according to HIM this was because he felt such shame the day afterward and all he wanted to do was isolate and avoid other people, also partly because he though he "looked bad" and people could tell what he'd been up to. What a time to get vain.

denny57

Alcohol is a depressant. I believe the answer is in the physiology. Not every alcoholic has the same physiological reaction to alcohol. I also believe it depends on if an alcoholic has an underlying disorder - not all do.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Cynay

Boy this is a good question....

I hope some double winners come along for us.

Zoey

We are all different, always exceptions.

Only thing that seems to ring true in this glorious mess, is , if drinking causes a problem, then it is a problem.
If is causes the drinker to be late for work, lose a job, wife and family upset, then it is a problem for the drinker.
If his drinking causes me to be upset, and the family to worry then it is a problem for me. (CAn reverse if wife is the A)

TexasGirl

Yup, I'm in this club too. He was always the meanest either after drinking a lot or especially the morning after. Mean, mean, mean! When he wouldn't drink for a couple of days, he would be so sweet, taking me to movies, playing tennis with me, treating to nice dinners...
I don't get it either.

cmc

I have two distant relatives that have extreme personality change when drinking... one changes from a nasty old grump into Prince Charming and the other who's quite even tempered sober becomes mean and sometimes violent. They are father and son. I have read and heard that this personality change is one of the qualifiers of being alcoholic, but I am not sure if it is factual. I have seen it though!

Pick-a-name

This is basically the same way my exAH is,too. He is still highly functional at work, but he gets mean,etc when he drinks (nightly). He was sweet and kind for a good 15-20 years, and still can be that way. But when he drinks,he changes. He does not want to stop drinking. It is so hard to understand .esp. that they are all different but alike.

BohemiMamaof3

The mythological 'Happy Drunk', perhaps?

YYCGal

My ABF is the same way. When he's drinking he's mean, disrespectful of me (and women in general), is loud and just plain obnoxious. At work - they call him 'the pit bull.' When he's sober, he's wonderful - soft, warm, cozy, generous with his time and his heart, happy-go-lucky and even want's to go out 'on dates.' Go figure.

IrshIzNotSmilin

I have only experienced my AH to be sober for 1 week once 2 or 3 years ago. Never again. Now, when he does not drink for a few hours or a whole day he is moody, depressive, and just a bore. When he drinks 4 or 5 drinks he can range from loud, jovial, life of the party behavior, loving, nice, complementary, but if it is more he gets sarcastic.

AllTooSober

I've only seen mine sober for 2 days in a row... no longer. During those times he seems alright, sometimes cheerful and fun, other times grumpy (but I can handle that). I don't care really how he acts when he's drinking... whether he's nice or mean I can't stand it. Now that I know he's got a problem I can't unflip the switch and just enjoy him in his nicer moments when he's tanked.

prodigal

I guess some of you have A's who are the same when sober and then change when drunk. However, and this is only a generalization, mind you, I think the longer the disease continues and progresses, the more mood swings you're apt to see when they're sober or drunk. Mine is generally emotionally distant, somewhat cold, and sometimes downright sullen when he's sober. He can also be that way when he's drunk, although he tends to prefer playing the "drama queen."

All I know is this: I no longer waste time trying to figure out the chaos swirling about in his mind. That is a scarey place I no longer wish to go!

embraced2000

i agree that with progression, it gets much worse....at least it did with my relationship with xah....the moods and behaviors started out years ago as just drinking fun.....it progressed to a very dark place....mean, violent, sullen, abusive, anxious, restless, .......angry, angry, angry......no matter where he was, it was not where he wanted to be.

blessings
jeri