FriendofBill

is there anyone else out here tonight that hurts as much as I do?

i cannot describe it.

embraced2000

evening friend
oh, friend, i'm so sorry you are hurting. i understand, i really do. it's ok to hurt. just let it happen. in the past, i would hurt so badly, i thought i was losing my mind.....still do at times, but it comes further and further apart now.

it comes and go.....at least it did for me. was the same as a death in my family, only worse.

blessings to you friend
tomorrow will be better
jeri

FriendofBill

it hasnt been this dark for me in a while. i really want to die. or him to die. ijust want the pain to end, one way or another. i dont feel like i can take one more minute of it. thanks for replying to me

cwohio

((friend of bill)) - sorry you are hurting - i get in deep, dark holes myself and i know it's not fun. big hugs to you!

Zoey

I hurt always, has gotten a bit lighter over time. Can lose myself in a book, but one cannot read constantly. Careing HUGS

embraced2000

sure you can make it....you've made it this far and you will make it further. the hurt is just a part of the healing, friend.

are you going to be ok tonight? do you need to make a call to your al-anon family? they are always there for us. make the call and let it all out.

blessings to you friend
jeri

FriendofBill

i called a few friends, no one is around, my son is here, trying his best to help....he tells me how much he loves me and because i feel just like the **** the alcoholic treats me with, i cannot believe my son loves me. when the alcoholic tells you, treat you like sh!t, i really cant believe how anyone can feel otherwise about me. I am in a terrible state of mind cus i didnt use to believe this,...i usually have self esteem, but one conversation with the drunk sucked it all away.

embraced2000

that's what the disease does, friend, tries to rob us of our self-esteem, dignity. now get those al-anon tapes rolling in your head.....

a conversation with the alcoholic is like talking to the very disease itself....just him saying whatever he said, or doing whatever he did....does NOT make it so. it's the booze talking.....let it roll right off of ya. they are the words and actions of a very sick person.

how old is your son??

blessings to you
jeri

denny57

(((( F O B ))))

what was triggered with the conversation?

FriendofBill

my son is 14, and an alateen, thats why he knows just what to do and say in times like this. He is an angel.

The trigger?

I asked my ex for his fathers phone # and he refused to give to me saying he knew I was only going to call the man and talk badly about him. Ya see, he made it all about HIM.

My son hasnt seen his grandfather in over 2 yrs, i wante d to try to reestablish the relationship. Hard to do when everyone is affected by the diseasw

denny57

Yep, and the paranoia doesn't help, either

Any other way you can track the man down?

TexasGirl

Hi ***,
I'm sorry you are down tonight. I hate those nights. Fortunately they come and go.
Is your X's dad the only grandparent your son has? If not, like Dr. Laura says, sometimes it's better for everyone if he cherishes the relationships he does have instead of trying to make the other ones work too, especially if it means going through your ex. If it is, even then, I'm sure he has uncles, friends, and family that complete his life, not to mention his amazing mom, right?
I know it sucks. I really do. Every day I become more and more shocked by the depths of addiction. I really had no clue that it was this big of a monster. It is bigger than I ever dreamed possible. I'm sorry it's affecting all of us, but especially you tonight.
((()))

melissaealy

I'm right with you!! I really hope you fell better.**{Hug's to U}}

mazey

Oh Friend of Bill, there are such deep dark holes we fall in, but you can get out & will! Your son sounds amazing, bless his heart....trying to help his Mom get better, and of course he loves you. DO NOT let that A get you.....come on you can do it. Tomorrow will be another day. Where I live it has been gloomy, dark, grey, rainy and sooooo very depressing. Also, with the holidays coming so do memories of past. This will be a tough time for most of us at times. We will need to bolster each other up. You are there for us, as we will be for you.

FormerDoormat

f-o-b, why put yourself through this by interacting with your ex? It's not healthy and it's not necessary. You can find the information you seek on your own. www.zabasearch.com can help you find your son's grandfather in seconds and won't cost you a dime. You can handle your affairs without him. You can be free of the pain if you choose to be.

27445lv

I am sorry to hear that you are hurting, i remember being pregnant and being at home with the husband, did his thing with drugs.. man the pain felt unbearable, but then later on in life, i realize, that hurt and pain is what makes your stronger, and wiser.. i will pray for you.. hang in there

Midas

I'm sorry you're hurting, f0b. It's often darkest before the light. Please remember that you didn't cause it. You can't control it. And you can't cure it.

kermit

My friend, Yes I have been there far to many times. Guess what? I pulled through because I did exactly as you have you reached out to Us!!! And what a great bunch of people!!!!!!!!!
Work through it, you will do it.
I start cleaning my house when I'm down. Try to think of something that will keep your mind busy. Play a board game with your son or maybe a video game . I know cray but sometimes i sit with my kids and try to do something they really like,it's fun.. Give it a try

Pick-a-name

F_O_B....I see by these answers that I am in good company. Thank the Lord that I am not feeling this way today;but have felt that desperate way so often lately. I just do not feel like I have the strength to go on feeling some days......just so painful and just too tired. I am so very sorry you are feeling this way,too. What I do is ask (beg) my HP (God) for help to get thru the pain.......and so far,so good. I try not to get too far ahead in my thinking,if I can.

Lots of hugs and prayers going out to you and your son (and A)...I hope and pray you feel better very,very soon!

Glad you are here;thanks for sharing this,too. I thought it was just me that still feels so desperate too often.

lillamy

F_O_B -- lots of love to you tonight!!!

I have no advice. When I hurt the worst, I try to just shut my thoughts down and alllow myself to feel the pain without judging or drawing any conclusions. I have no idea if that is "on program" or smart or anything, but it takes the fear out of the pain for me. The pain becomes just that -- a feeling.

12 hours at a time is too long sometimes, and that's when we dig our fingernails into the carpet, bite our upper teeth into the rug, and pull ourselves forward, ten minutes, or one minute, or a second at a time.