Am I Becomming Too Detached?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: New York
Posts: 7
Am I Becomming Too Detached?
Hi,
I'm wondering if I'm becoming too detached (or acting like it anyway). My sister, who was supposed to have an interview with a rehab center this morning, decided that her asthma was too much for her to handle on Saturday, and checked herself into a hospital. She is a heavy smoker, and overweight, so the core of her asthma problems are self induced. The hospital admitted her because of the asthma and also in an attempt to find out why she has had laryngitis for the past 4 weeks.
I am beside myself with anger. I keep looking at this as "Oh great...now what about rehab". I'm completely unsympathetic to her health problems as I feel she's done this to herself. She's so consumed with drinking, she does not take care of herself. They're monitoring her heart, which I assume is irregular due to detoxing. They're giving her all kinds of blood tests to find out what's wrong, and all I keep thinking is I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE DRAMA! They also mention how her liver enzymes are high, and how once you get to a certain point, liver damage is not reversible, and can lead to Cirrhosis of the Liver. Of course we know this since my dad died last month from this very disease.
I'm not being nice to her, and I feel guilty about it, but I am beyond angry. I can't do this anymore. 18 years of this is too much. I'm only 36, and I feel like this is what the rest of my life is going to be.
I'm wondering if I'm becoming too detached (or acting like it anyway). My sister, who was supposed to have an interview with a rehab center this morning, decided that her asthma was too much for her to handle on Saturday, and checked herself into a hospital. She is a heavy smoker, and overweight, so the core of her asthma problems are self induced. The hospital admitted her because of the asthma and also in an attempt to find out why she has had laryngitis for the past 4 weeks.
I am beside myself with anger. I keep looking at this as "Oh great...now what about rehab". I'm completely unsympathetic to her health problems as I feel she's done this to herself. She's so consumed with drinking, she does not take care of herself. They're monitoring her heart, which I assume is irregular due to detoxing. They're giving her all kinds of blood tests to find out what's wrong, and all I keep thinking is I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE DRAMA! They also mention how her liver enzymes are high, and how once you get to a certain point, liver damage is not reversible, and can lead to Cirrhosis of the Liver. Of course we know this since my dad died last month from this very disease.
I'm not being nice to her, and I feel guilty about it, but I am beyond angry. I can't do this anymore. 18 years of this is too much. I'm only 36, and I feel like this is what the rest of my life is going to be.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Why not step away from it? Let the hospital deal with getting her well and into rehab as a part of dicharge planning. Her health issues are real. You don't have to deal with your sisters drinking for the rest of your life. You can choose to deal with her drinking problem for the rest of her life which probably won't be long. If you can't be supportive(it is understandable if you can't) then don't get involved. In answer to your question, no I don't think you can detach too much. I do think you can grow to hate the person instead of the disease, in which case you should put distance between you and her. Showing up being mean to her doesn't help in any way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
detach with love.....that is what my sponsor used to tell me.
took me a long time to figure that one out.
sounds as if you are very angry with her, which is understandable. but as mallow said, her health concerns sound very real, whether they are self induced or not.
do you attend al-anon? al-anon helped me cope in a way i never thought could be done. please consider going to some meetings for your own help.
blessings
jeri
took me a long time to figure that one out.
sounds as if you are very angry with her, which is understandable. but as mallow said, her health concerns sound very real, whether they are self induced or not.
do you attend al-anon? al-anon helped me cope in a way i never thought could be done. please consider going to some meetings for your own help.
blessings
jeri
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
So the first person that says "sorry about your sister" is gonna get it, huh?
I'm not sorry for her, I'm sorry that you had to put up with her. Let her get to rehab on her own, it's her problem, not yours. I think if it's as bad as you say, then being in the hospital for detox, is safer.
There is no drama, unless you let there be drama. You did not "inheirit" her problems when your dad passed away.
To your question, I don't think you are too detached, I think you are finally setting up the limit to what you are able to stand. Got to draw the line in the sand somewhere.....
I'm not sorry for her, I'm sorry that you had to put up with her. Let her get to rehab on her own, it's her problem, not yours. I think if it's as bad as you say, then being in the hospital for detox, is safer.
There is no drama, unless you let there be drama. You did not "inheirit" her problems when your dad passed away.
To your question, I don't think you are too detached, I think you are finally setting up the limit to what you are able to stand. Got to draw the line in the sand somewhere.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: New York
Posts: 7
The thing is, I do feel bad. I'm very concerned about her health. I don't want anything bad to happen to her.
That being said, I have prepared for her death for quite some time. There was a time when my family didn't know if she was dead or alive (she had met a guy in rehab who turned her on to heroine).
It's just that now that it is only the two of us, I'm torn between tough love, and being the only one there for her. It's very frustrating. I love her very much. And if someone (a family member or friend) says something nasty or unsympathetic about her, I become very defensive.
I've only attended one al-anon meeting. I found it very depressing. I did not go again. I'm thinking about counseling, however I want someone who is experienced in alcoholism. I find talking to people who have never dealt with it, to be to sympathetic toward the alcoholic.
That being said, I have prepared for her death for quite some time. There was a time when my family didn't know if she was dead or alive (she had met a guy in rehab who turned her on to heroine).
It's just that now that it is only the two of us, I'm torn between tough love, and being the only one there for her. It's very frustrating. I love her very much. And if someone (a family member or friend) says something nasty or unsympathetic about her, I become very defensive.
I've only attended one al-anon meeting. I found it very depressing. I did not go again. I'm thinking about counseling, however I want someone who is experienced in alcoholism. I find talking to people who have never dealt with it, to be to sympathetic toward the alcoholic.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Sounds like HER disease is killing YOU.
Time to detach from her choices, bas as they may be, and start focusing on what YOU can do to be happy instead of trying to save her from herself.
Time to detach from her choices, bas as they may be, and start focusing on what YOU can do to be happy instead of trying to save her from herself.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((peace)))
your doctor may be able to refer you to a therapist who specializes in addiction; mine did, and I am so grateful to have her as part of my support system. it does make a difference in my opinion.
I also believe when I am angry it comes from fear. I know that when I get angry over how AH is behaving it is because I am afraid of what will happen to him. Detaching does not mean not caring. It's about not obsessing on the other person, among other things.
I'm sorry Al-Anon did not work for you; they do usually suggest 6 meetings. I have found it so helpful - I've made many friends there who, again, understand the nature of addiction and living with a family member who has one.
take good care of yourself.
your doctor may be able to refer you to a therapist who specializes in addiction; mine did, and I am so grateful to have her as part of my support system. it does make a difference in my opinion.
I also believe when I am angry it comes from fear. I know that when I get angry over how AH is behaving it is because I am afraid of what will happen to him. Detaching does not mean not caring. It's about not obsessing on the other person, among other things.
I'm sorry Al-Anon did not work for you; they do usually suggest 6 meetings. I have found it so helpful - I've made many friends there who, again, understand the nature of addiction and living with a family member who has one.
take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
" I don't want anything bad to happen to her". Something bad is happening to her. I'm sorry that before you could recover from losing your father you are losing you sister. I would take one step at a time and not look too far ahead to rehab. Have you discussed the serverity of these test results with her doctor? I would ask him to be direct and if and when she is well enough to be put into a rehab, you'd like help to transiton her directly from hosptial to rehab. You can help from a distance.
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