MLALOK

Hello, this is my 1st post. My man, my closest friend, my darling died 4 months ago (July). In hospital with jaundice, then a coma, and died 2 weeks later of liver failure. He was a professional, kind lovely gentleman, and I know he loved me. But I didn't realise he had such a problem. He'd said (grinning) that he drank too much, but I only ever saw him with 1 glass of wine, or vodka, and never drunk. It seems he was a secret drunk - at least a bottle of vodka a day the doctors said. How could I not know? My head is wrecked. I can hardly function. Think I may have to leave my job, can't cope. I didn't have the chance to talk to him about it, he was in the coma before I got to the hospital. He had, I now realise, hinted a few times at things, but I didn't pick up on them. What do I do? Why didn't he try to sort it? I don't understand. I'll never be able to ask him. He never did hold me in his arms 1 last time. I don't understand alcoholism. Please help answer my many questions. Thank you.
MLALOK...'Much love and lots of kisses'

denny57

Hi Mlalok, and welcome to SR

It can be quiet here on weekends, so you may get more responses come Monday.

I am so sorry for your loss. Alcoholism is very hard to understand, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Even though he is gone, it might help you to still learn all you can about the disease so you can better understand what might have being going on with him. There are stickys here (at the top of the forum) to read; one of those also includes a book list with reading material some of us here have found useful.

You may still want to consider attending Al-Anon meetings and possibly open AA meetings. People who have lived it from both sides will help with some of your questions.

I'm glad you found us, but so sorry for the circumstances. Please keep posting and take good care of yourself.

((()))

MLALOK

Thanks Denny for such a fast reply. I sit here sobbing, so lonely. You're right, I feel I need to read all I can, but i don't seem to be able to find stuff that is relevant. I'll have a look where you said. Thanks. Much love x

embraced2000

hello mlalok
i'm so sorry, so, so, sorry for your loss.

god bless
jeri

Pick-a-name

(((mlalok))) I am so sorry also. Alcoholism is really a hard thing to understand. There really isn't anything you could have done for him...believe me, I have tried. That makes it even harder is some ways.

Please be gentle on yourself;it's not your "fault" but what a tragedy. Stick around here and vent and learn;I hope it can some how make you feel better.
Hugs and prayers going out to you.

cwohio

((mlaok))

do take the suggestions above and read about the disease - it will help you come to realize that there was nothing you could have done to "cure" him. it indeed is a killer if it goes untreated, but the person has to admit to being addicted and want to get help or the disease progresses.

my heart goes out to you and i feel your pain - i lost my husband, who was also an alcoholic, last year. please take care of yourself and maybe look into some grief counseling.

mallowcup

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like maybe the damage started a long time ago. Please come here with your questions. Youmay not have realized but he did. There is a point where it's too late to quit, the damage is done. It sounds like he was pretty far along. You have no idea how long his real health issues may have been going on. I hope we can answer some of yor questions and ease your mind.

devil_angel

I am so incredibly sorry that you are going through this. Just know that alcoholics dont act rationally, they do not do what is in their best interest or the best interest of their loved ones. It is likely that there would have been nothing you could have done had you known about the extent of his drinking problem. This is one of the saddest things about alcoholism, to me, is that it seems like no one can help them. I suggest finding someone to talk to, to help you understand this and deal with your grief in a healthy way.

MLALOK

Thanks all. Not thinking straight at mo, just heavy grief that hurts so much. I've read through some of the forums - you folks are so helpful...I already recognise things. Why didn't I realise? I never ever saw that he was drunk, and yet to think, I probably never ever actually saw him sober, in our 3 years together. I hardly drink, but I now realise how much it was part of his life...he often mentioned drink in conversation, usually what other people were up to..... the bottle of vodka in the car was from his staff .... he used lots of aftershave (which I always loved!) to mask the smell?.... he'd often suggest we stop for a quick drink, but would only ever have 1 glass, so why would I suspect anything?.... Have I been thick , naive?

melissaealy

Hello Mlalok> I'm so sorry for your loss!!!! Hang in there hon things well get better.**{Hug's To You}}

deax

MLALOK-- I'm so very sorry. My heart goes out to you. So many times when we love someone we don't see the things that are right before our eyes. Please stick around and work through your confusion here. Hugs and much love to you.

IrshIzNotSmilin

I never saw the drinking either. A couple of thoughts here but first MLALOK welcome and it is a good thing you found SR. It is a great help. When I was dating my now AH he always arrived at my house after drinking. I just thought he had sweet breath. LOL. But he really was drinking rum before he came but who knew. I was not brought up with this and did not realize. Then, as time went on he was always talking about brewing beer and was a real beer snob. So I did not realize then either. Later after the marriage there were incidences and slowly the lightbulb went on. Ohhhhhhhhhh. Do not blame yourself for not seeing it or realizing it. I bet it was nice for him to have someone like yourself who saw him and not the addiction. Maybe, that was good for him. You never know. Maybe, that is why he did not have it all drawn out like a picture for you, maybe he realized it enough that he did not want to show you that side of his life. Maybe, he realized it was ugly. My two cents and I feel for you and your loss. Best wishes. Irsh

lilac

(((Hugs to you))) I am glad that you have found SR. I am so very sorry for your loss. Please go easy on yourself, you could not have controlled the situation even if you had known. Alcoholics do not think rationally about themselves or the people who love them. Read and keep posting. God Bless and Comfort You.

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... We are glad you found us.

I am sooo sorry for your loss hon and my prayers will go out to you and yours.

Please dont beat yourself up because you did not know....Alcoholics are very good at hiding what they dont want us to see.... Besides why would you even look for something like that in the one you love??? What happened has nothing to do with you, that was his problem/issue to deal with and from the sounds of it the both of you were very happy till the end. Trust in that because alot of marriages cant claim that happiness inside of this disease.

I hope you keep posting, I look forward to getting to know you better.

queenteree

MLALOK,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can only imagaine how you must feel. Please do not be too hard on yourself. As others here have said, there is nothing you could have done to stop him from drinking. My husband is suffering from liver disease too, and the dr. tells him if he does not stop drinking, he will have only five years at best. Yet, he is still drinking. No amount of pleading and rationalizing will make him see that I wish he would stop drinking to be around for me and the kids. And even if he did see that, it's easier said than done. Please read excepts from Under the Influence (it's under one of the sticky's here). I believe that is the best way to understand the nature of alcoholism, and it puts alot into perspective. My sympathies on the loss of your darling and best friend go out to you.

marriedithink

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't really add anything to what anyone else has said. Just take care of yourself and again I'm sorry.

BigSis

(((mlalok))) I am a member of Alanon, and one of my friends did not get to us until after her son was killed....the son was high on drugs, walking at night and was hit by a drunk driver.

She had so much guilt and remorse... and I've watched for three years as she has worked through some of her feelings around this.

I hope you can find a group in your area... they can be helpful in ways you might not imagine.

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your husband. He sounds like a good man... a very good man.

((((mlalok))))

cagefree

((((((MLALOK))))))

I am so sorry for your loss - it's not your fault. Please keep coming back.

MLALOK

Thanks so much everyone. Please keep threads coming, they are SO helpful. I wrote a big long answer, but I seem to have deleted it somehow. Must say, I feel better for having at least written it though.
Strange, I can connect with EVERY single one of your messages. I'll try to do the things you suggest - reading the stickies, though not sure what they are yet - possibly going to talk to someone etc...
MLALOK Much Love And Lots Of Kisses xxx

MLALOK

Another problem is that his grown up children don't want it known about his 'problem' and I feel I have to honour their wishes (they've been hurt so much too) but it means I have to keep it under wraps, and cant talk to people we knew. He WAS a good caring lovely man...but also, I now know, wrecked by drink. How cruel things are. I'm so lonely, so alone. He's gone forever. I've not had even one chance of trying to do something for him, because I didn't know.