lipstiktrasz

hi everyone.

it's been a few weeks since i've posted. my A is currently on day 21 and is doing really well, so i'm in a pretty good place these days. things in my life are going well (work, family, etc...) but something is coming up repeatedly in my relationship with my A. i'm worried about nagging. it sounds like such a little tiny thing compared to some of the stuff we've been through, but it's really starting to worry me. my A and i have been together for about 6 months, live together, have a lovely gentle relationship. right now his sponsor(s) are telling him to not get a job, to focus on recovery, but maybe he can do some freelance work, as long as it doesn't cut into the meeting schedule. he's had some leads there that he's not following through on, and so i'll ask him about it. he's friendly and loving and doesn't make excuses, just tells me what's up, but i feel like i'm starting to bug him. but there are things i want and need from him that i'm not getting. i can't tell if this is a domestic thing that happens to everyone, or if it's related to his disease...or if my insecurity about it is related to our history! it's really scary! i spend a lot of time feeling like he hates me, though he gives me no indication of that...i'm not sure how to stop this cycle...

any suggestions?

thanks for listening!

Stephanie

It's probably a little of all of it but it's only day 21. I know from experience that in very early sobriety, your head is in a fog and you're lucky just to be maintaining some kind of normalcy with a basic routine. It's a very hard time for him as I am sure it is for you. He may just not have it in him right now to be too attentive to your needs but if he stays sober all that will be worked out.

There are two things I learned when my husband stopped using. No matter what he was always thew bad guy because he was using. It didn't matter who's fault it was, he was using so it was his. Now that he wasn't I felt like everything was my fault. It was sort of like the other extreme. Now that he's not using he's a saint and so it must be me. Both of those scenarios are extremems. In Alanon we learn how to focus on ourselves and how not to let what our spouse is or is not doing effect the outcome of our behavior.

Also this is a difficult time usually for the spouse of an alcoholic because as your husband is working a program of recovery and occupying a lot of his time with it, we are still doing the same things. The whole dynamic of the relationship has changed and it's very scary. You're going to be alright. Fear is so understandable at this point. There will be others who will be able to put it better but I would suggest to do nothing, maybe say a prayer about it and have faith that one day at a time things will get better. Of course it certainly won't hurt if you want to gently talk to him about it but that you understand and that it's hard for you. Try going to a meeting and sharing about it too. This is very common and I'm sure you will get a lot of feedback.

journeygal

Hi Lipstik!

When my husband first got clean, I'll admit it - I nagged. I asked him about going to meetings, I asked him how his job search was going, I asked him how he was feeling - you name it, I asked. And of course it was all done lovingly, but it was still nagging. And it got on his nerves. Oh he was nice about it. I never knew how irritated it made him - till he finally couldn't take it anymore and lost his cool.

This is the controlling behavior that us anons have a hard time letting go. It's like when our A's our using, we decide that since we know they shouldn't be using, we know what's best in every situation. So we tell our A's how they should be living their life, what decisions they need to make, how they should be feeling, and what they should be doing. But this isn't our job. No adult should be telling another adult what to do or doing for them what they should be doing for themselves. That's why detachment is so important, whether the A is still using/drinking or not. In one of her posts Searching said that she decided if she wasn't getting her needs met by her husband, then she would just have to get them met elsewhere, from family, friends, or herself. Your A is in very early recovery, and right now his struggle is trying to stay sober. Dealing with anything else is very difficult, if not impossible. Having any expectations from him right now will only set you up for disappointment.

It probably took a good 6 months, at least, before my husband and I really started coming out from under the haze of his active addition, and started relating to one another as people in recovery. I say people, b/c I had to find recovery too, so I could change how I interacted with and reacted to him. I had to stop playing the same controlling role I played while he was still using and let him lead his own life.

Let him work his recovery and deal with his problems in his own time. Your job is to focus on and take care of yourself.

Hugs,
JG