TexasGirl

Do any of you ever wonder how much longer you can keep this up? Keep up this one day at a time, take care of you stuff up?

I keep trying to move forward, but some days it all just seems too hard.

I sure don't want to go backwards either though. I am almost certain he has resumed drinking. I don't want that in my life ever again. But moving on is just as hard. I can't move forward, and I can't move backwards.

I just want to be happy again. I remember a time feeling that way. I really do.

embraced2000

hugs to you texas
i understand how you must feel.

it's natural to have times when you will just feel miserable about the whole deal.

just hang on.......some days will be good, some will test your faith, some will offer gifts of understanding, some will just plain suck.

when i first came on this board, your posts were among the ones that caught my attention because i thought you sounded so strong and sure, so wise with your responses to others.

thank you for uplifting my spirits when i first signed on......

blessings
jeri

deax

All the time, TG. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer, but wanted to let you know that this thought crosses my mind probably daily.

TexasGirl

And Jeri, when I first saw your posts, I was so glad you came along to share your wisdom. I had been planning to PM you to tell you I am glad you are here. ((())))

Thanks, Deax. I does seem like we are in sync on this journey.

denny57

Yes, TG, I still have those thoughts. What gets me through them is trusting I will be ok on the other side of those thoughts. Living a conscious life is not easy, so we're bound to get tired sometimes. Usually when I stop and think about what I'm feeling at those times, it has to do with a sadness for what has come to pass.

It happened today when I got another attorney's bill. I'll sometimes think to myself, it didn't have to be this way. But I know the truth is, in fact, it did. This is my path and I'm still excited about where it's leading me.

Hang in there!

mallowcup

Get your self into something you can't get out of easily to catapult yourself forward. Spend money on a gym membership, take a class. I had to make myself, dare myself, to knowingly and willing step forward in a new and unknown direction. I needed the mental push.

mazey

TG, did you ever make a list of why you left....I think it helps me, at least. I think our honeymoon phase is over and now it is reality. When we first separated, you moved into a new place and it was hard, but there was some feeling of relief or new hope that was a little glimmmer that kept us going each day. Now, a couple months down the road, we are noticing the newness of those feelings are settlling and it is day to day stuff. Also, it has been long enuf that we are starting to reminisce, and your has been in contact awhile ago wanting you back, that may enter your mind a little. AND, there were good times with them. I notice myself, lately, being a bit melancholy, but more sad for him and where he is at in his life. But, also am thinking about spending my life alone without anyone. Each circumstance is obviously different, but we are within a couple weeks of our moves/separations. I recieved this email last night from him(the third) and it only was a forward of a really neat "reading/story". One that he would know would touch my heart, it was about prayer. It did make me remember the good fella, but I also need to remember the fella that made this happen. I was driving home from my daughter's today thinking about how disgusted I have been w/ him and turning my thoughts to not likeing him, but ya know I still care about him alot and his life does make me sad. But, I do not want any contact.
That got away from your topic, but I think the Newness of our change in living arrangements has worn off. Maybe like Mallow said, a new hobby/gym membership/activity is what is needed to offer another New change in our lives to embrace and enjoy.
Thinking of you, and caring about ya. It is hard.....and still heartbreaking, but if we can remember the days leading up to our moves it may help strengthen our resolve to recover. Just want you to know I understand.

Cynay

It happens all the time hon.... dont let it get to you.

You dont have to do anything today. I think we sometimes think we always have to be in motion. You have been through so much in a short time that you decided to make this move. Maybe you just need to take a break and "just be"

Be gentle with yourself and dont have too many expectations.

Rusty Zipper

TG lady tex, do whatever it takes to keep move'n foward...

the name of the band i'm in is "Blue Foot Foward" remember, its ok once in awhile to have the blues... just try to take them blue feet, and move' um foward...

DESIGNER

Texas Girl, yes I have had that same thought and same feelings. I do at moments find myself laughing and joking and feeling pretty good and then all of a sudden it hits you again and you remember that he is not a part of your life. I don't think that it is something that you will ever completly get over but just something that is going to take time.

The one thing that really truly helps me keep going is going to the gym. Going to the gym is sometimes one of the hardest things to do but I promise if you force yourself to go it will help a little. That is better than nothing isn't it?? Keep smiling girl-life is too short to waste it on being sad!!!!

GettingBy

Yuppers! And that's when I realize that I trying to do too much all at once. When I get overwhelmed, that signals me to take a break and do something good for me. It's also important to remember that there WILL be bad days, so I don't beat myself up when I'm down and out. Just remind myself that this too shall pass.

A gratitude list usually helps me when I'm really in deep, how about that TG? What are you grateful for today?

Me? I'm grateful that I found a loving caring woman to take care of Annie while I'm at work. I absolutely hate having to leave her for the day, but I know that her babysitter is so good to her... and that makes me feel better. She's always so happy when I go to pick her up, and that just warms my heart.

Your turn!

:-) Shannon

deax

You know what I think is part of the problem sometimes? That people in the world don't live this way. I think on some level, the norm is codependency.

Like one of my friends called me yesterday, she's pregnant, married 3 years, and she hates her FIL who cheats on her MIL and he's been verbally abusive to all his kids, the MIL drinks too much, and the other night she got arrested for trying to hit him with a pan during one of their infamous fights. So I'm listening to all this and she's like, "Why won't that idiot leave him?" and "I need to call her and congratulate her for only drinking one of those little individual sized bottles of Whit Zin at dinner the other night instead of getting s**tfaced."

So I'm trying to tell her why congratulating her on that isn't good. How she shouldn't get herself all upset and involved in someone else's marriage, or tell this woman to leave her marriage. That even hating her FIL so much on someone else's behalf- people who themselves don't hate him even if they should- isn't healthy. I told her to think about rules she wants to set for when they're in her house; she wants to say that the FIL is never allowed in her home, but I suggested instead of that don't allow them to drink in your house, and especially to leave drunk and get in the car. And she was like, "That is a drinking family, I could never do that." Etc. And she's half-listening to me like, "Yeah you're right, BUT..." and she's kinda right to say 'but' because people are connected and you can't help getting invested sometimes.

So sometimes I think outside of addiction and people who understand detachment because they got seriously kicked in the ass living the other way, people outside of that don't understand. Sometimes I feel like people think I'm getting all Zen or new age or something when I talk like that.

So with that said, it's kinda helpful for me sometimes to think, most everyone is screwed up in their own way. My screwed-upness combined with this man's screwed-upness put me in a bad place. I've become aware of it, and what I can do to try and improve the situation. And now I can do it, or not. It's on me. My life. People on the outside may not know or do this stuff. Maybe that's why they have anxiety and stress. Or maybe their issues were more manageable than mine.

Another thing I think TG is that sometimes things are a little too extreme. When I first read Codependent No more and some other recovery stuff I was like, yeah this just isn't me. And at first I'd beat myself up for "not getting it" or accuse myself of not being willing to change enough. But in that respect I agree completely with what GettingBy said. Everything in time, and everyone needs different chunks to keep them sane. What works for me might not work for someone else, and vice versa. You know?

I've accepted that the bad days aren't gone, that I still have feelings for him, and that the bad days may pop up with no warning, or may be kicked up by something external or within me. Whatever. Take it as it comes. You're doing your best, and that's good enough.

denny57

Deax, you've really nailed something here. I had this discussion with my therapist a couple weeks ago. She would agree with you - most people walk around unconscious - and she didn't mean it in a judgmental way. Becoming aware and conscious is amazing - and probably does come off to some as Zen or new age. It doesn't mean perfection - we're all human - but taking stock of myself and being accountable to myself for my choices - this is a fantastic journey.

Having faith I am making the right choices for myself isn't always easy, but every minute, every hour, every day, week and month I'm seeing the payoffs.

Minx1969

TG -

I know you are struggling but there are things you can do...

My sponsor did not let me stay in self-pity for too long. she made me get busy.

Maybe try some Alanon meetings. Shannon's suggestion of a gratitude list is spot on..Do it daily...

You need to get out of your head sweetheart...Be of service to others, volunteer, there are people in worse shape then you that are living life and enjoying it.

Have you checked with your doctor and make sure you aren't depressed?

I know I come off as "ra ra..Life is good".. but life is as good as you want it to be.

So often people here stay stuck in their feelings..There are ways to change that.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that: "most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Minx1969

And Deax -

I've learned not to offer my help to people that don't ask for my help...

I'm not perfect at it but I usually start off with "can I offer you a suggestion"..

Don't try to beat some sense into people that don't want it..(unless they are on this board!)

denny57

This is a good point - I used to think someone having a conversation with me meant they wanted my opinion on how to run their lives LOL!

deax

You phrased it more accurately than I did, denny, thank you. That's what I was trying to get at when I said codependecy is the norm-- I don't mean that that's a good thing, but that most people just don't know anything different and some ideas don't make sense to them until they live through something firsthand. And society reinforces a lot of these roles for women especially so that's why we sometimes feel we sound weird to others and get little external support for this new way of living outside of other people in a program. It's easy to feel kind of isolated and like, why should I bother with this? Probably why this board is so addicting (for lack of a better word ).

I know, Minx, I'm bad about that. I still struggle with this alot but I'm getting so much better at not trying to rescue people automatically (I didn't with my brother a few weeks ago and I was so proud of myself because now he has nothing to do with me again). But I have to tell you, this one particular friend of mine always asks for my help with these in-laws. Because of Rich, who my friend really liked, now she thinks I'm some sort of dealing-with-alcohlics guru, which is hilarious in how ridiculous it is. It's not serious though, we laugh about it.

TexasGirl

Thanks all. I was more of a funk than ever yesterday. Today is a bit better...still tearful, but somewhat better. Plus I know I have my appointment with my doc tomorrow, and I always look forward to that.

Yes, I know that I do have a lot of things in my life to be happy about. Sometimes I feel downright guilty that I complain...there are so many people in the world that have major health problems or financial difficulties that aren't even in the neighborhood of what I call difficult. Who am I to complain, right?

It's just a funk...I think the realization of the end has just hit me. And then I discovered the music of a group that's apparently been around a while, but I'd never heard of them until yesterday. The lyrics and sound are painfully poignant. It just adds to my state of mind. Have you ever heard of the Red House Painters? Yesterday I sat in my room and listened to them for hours and cried. Oh well.

I was preparing for my appointment tomorrow (I'm notorious for bringing a novelette with me!), and I wrote something down that I think just might be surprisingly accurate. I have always said that the only things that I like about me are directly or indirectly related to my ability to make people like me. I'm nice. I'm sweet. Blah blah blah. So tonight I realized that I might be having a hard time coping with this aloneness because I get all of my validation as a person by how nice I can be to other people and whether they approve of me and whether they like me or not. And here I am, left my husband, family 600 miles away, no friends here, well, geez, I am left with just me. That's OK though...I almost hope that's what my deal is. If I can identify it, I can work to change it. Sitting around wondering what's wrong with me only makes things worse.

Bye.

earthsong

I went out on a date last week for the first time. I was picked up in a beautiful shiny car, taken to a lovely restaurant, was treated like royalty... and bestowed with compliments. His company was delightful, interesting and very relaxing. I smiled and laughed all night. I may never see him again.... he was way too young for me.... but boy! What a contrast to the way my exA treated me.... swap "you look beautiful tonight" for "you've got a fat arse, an old neck and your breasts are starting to sag... people think you're my mother!" (I was 3 years older than my ex..... and 17 years older than my date last week).

It feels good to be living in the real world.....and your prince will come!

mallowcup

TexasGirl, there is a songwriter and poet inside you. If this music touched you, why not try putting some of your feelings down on paper, sort of the lyrics to this part of your life. I have read Mya Angelo and thougt, wow! She must have written this from experience! Speaking of writing, I think writing a mission statement about yoru life is a good foundation to base tomorrow on. When you know who you wan to be and state your life goals, it's easier to stick to the recipe.