Drained

Hello, I am new here to this forum. My story starts 10 years ago. I have been living with an AH for this long. There has been physical abuse, and verbal. About 3 months ago, I just finally had it. I am tired of trying. I don't love him anymore. He told me he would never stop drinking and if he did, it would only be because I left him. Wow, that's fair. What have I done to make him drink? I am angry. I don't want to be near him. Now that I told him that I don't love him, he hasn't drank in 7 days. The counselor that we are seeing told him that regardless if he quits drinking, if he doesn't do AA, then the behavior will still be there. He won't go to AA. Now all of a sudden he is Mr Positive. Mr. Sober, Mr. I am a great husband and dad. What is YOUR problem? Why can't you can't over it. Everything is in the past. He says that I am going through a major depression, a mid-life crisis. That I am breaking up the family unit. He has stopped drinking and being nice. Why can't I do the same? Why can't I go back to being the loving wife. I hate being at home with him. I hate it when he calls. But according to him, I am the negative one, I am the one with the problem. He is working on his issues. So I am seeing a psych today, to get on some different medicine, because according to the husband the one I am on is not working. I have no support. All family, backs him and says that I am be selfish and that I am not thinking of my son. So I get told to go to therapy, join Al Anon and get right in the head.

Minx1969

Hi! I notice you are from Arizona as well..

Alcoholism is a family disease - we all become affected by a person's drinking...

Alanon is a great place to get support...

There is a Alanon meeting tonight that I will be at (and Cynay will be there too) please try and come.

It's in Tempe at Grace Community Church, Room E207.

3201 S. Terrace Road (1 light east of Rural on Southern Avenue).. starts at 7:15 pm.

denny57

Not a thing!

Welcome to SR, Drained, glad you are here

Hope you can make the meeting Minx mentions - there you will find people who will support you in your recovery, wherever that takes you.

I was with AH for 18 years. My thinking became so confused I didn't know who I was anymore - everything was about alcohol and the alcoholic.

Please keep coming back and posting - you do not have to go through this alone. There are wonderful people here who know exactly what you are going through.

((()))

robina

Nothing.

Oh boy, if you we're standing in front of me, I'd give you a bug hug, because your husband has done quite a number on your self esteem and self confidence. But that's exactly what happens when you live with an alcoholic for a long time - somehow, you start to believe that it's all your fault, and that you should be able to fix it.

Wrong. You didn't cause it. You can't cure it and you can't control it. Those are the "3 c's of Al-anon", which is a group that has saved my sanity this past year.

It's not your fault. It's a vicious disease that destroys the drinker, and takes down the loved ones too, if they don't go for help.

Love and hugs to you. Keep coming back.

Drained

Because I have decided to leave, I have been alienated. I cry all of the time. I walk outside, so my son doesn't see. I am told that I cry because there is still love. I KNOW and feel that there isn't. I KNOW this is what I need to do. I hope he gets better, I really do. I hope that he will become the loving husband and father that he says he will. I just can't wait anymore. I don't want to wait anymore.

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... we are certainly glad your here and finally getting some support.

Yeppers I will also be at that meeting and would love to meet you.

When you go to that Doc today why dont you do some talking with them. Perhaps get your own councelor.... After living with this disease for years our perception get really distorted.

My Ex use to do that too.... He would make a change for a few weeks or months and expect me to change in that moment just because he was trying. I hated that, its a guilt trip designed to control our behavior. You know you dont have to end the marriage anyway. If you and you son moved out and got your own place (or he did) and spent some time working on your seperate issues it could save the marriage.

One thing I cant stress enough. Do no listen to what he is telling you...... Watch his actions over a longer period of time. Also the councelor is right, its not just about the amount he drinks.... it has alot to do with his attitude about life, you, family, himself...... How does the saying go. If a drunk horsetheif gets soberity what do you have..... a sober Horsetheif...

I look forward to getting to know you, hopefully we can meet at a meeting and you can get the support you really need with people who "really get it"

tears of a lady

I know how you feel!! sorry for the sad and angry feelings you have built up inside, I have been living in your world for 12 years and I too am tierd and worn down.What really sucks for meis as a sobor man I have a best friend and a lover, but as a drunk one he is a fool!!! what to do,what to do?

tears of a lady

Member


Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 3 I know how you feel

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AH has called me from jail, has another DUI on his hands,made a choice to live in seprate households upon his release until he can get a grip on his addiction.Says he truly wants to be sobor but needs my support, I have heard it all before, I need to back of and let him take some responibility....this is hard to do considering I have done all I can for him over a 12 year period. I cry everyday...Its good to cry!!!!But I know what you mean...Loneliness is hard to cope with.

denny57

welcome, tears

I read your post on newcomers and just want to say it's good to have you here

I noticed my drinking increased the last few years I lived with AH. Are you getting any kind of outside support for yourself?

kermit

The reason I cry so much is because "my dream" has died. I'm not sure that I even love My AH. I have good days and bad as everyone here can tell you. But the truth is I'm living my life one that is very hard but calm now that he is gone. It's weird, even though it is very painful to be on my own it is also very fullfilling. The best thing I ever did was leave him. I thinkj I'm learning whatmy pain really is, it is not so much the lost love but the lost "dream" We are not giving up, tearing up or hurting or familt unit because we want to be happy. I think if I would have stayed with my AH it would have made my "umit" worse.
Welcome, you will like it here

damncutekitty

The whole family backs HIM? Do they not know about the ten years of abuse? Maybe it's time they did. I can't imagine anyone's family wanting them to stay with an abuser. Especially if there are kids involved.

Seven days of not drinking doesn't mean he's all better and even if he was, he's got ten years of mistreating you to make up for. He can't be asking you to just "get over it". That's really insensitive.

parentrecovers

i am always amazed how this disease makes people so selfish. take care of YOURSELF. and do not accept any more of his abuse. you deserve better than this. he does not have a right. k

marriedithink

Mine always said I bring up the past and can't let go of it. To him the past includes what happened an our ago. In my more codie times when I would be letting him have it the next day after him not coming home, he would say I was bringing up the past. To him the night before qualified and I need to get a grip, and let it go. I got a grip alright and let him go.

an'ka

Thanks for a smile, Married (re: I got a grip allright and let him go). Cynay just had a great point--my AH also loves to guilt trip me, saying that he is trying and really doesn't need me to "hold his past over his head". Oh, my temp is going up just thinking about it. I mean, seriously, just because he doesn't drink for a week, I should just get over everything that happened for years and be there to support him. The gall! He loves reminding me that he is my husband and we are a family.....um, the last time I checked, I've been the provider and the caretaker since the birth of our child--where was he during the time I needed him the most?

LaTeeDa

The thing is, I can let go of the past, if it truly is the past. When the past keeps repeating itself over and over, it's not the past, it's the present.

L

Relax

Hello. I am new here and just wanted to say hello.

marriedithink

Hello Relax.....Welcome.
Why don't you start a thread and introduce yourself. Glad you found us.

denny57

Hi Relax, welcome to SR

When you're ready, hope you'll start a thread to intro yourself and share your story.

Glad you're here.

DESIGNER

Drained as everyone else has just said remember that you are not alone. Mine is doing the exact same thing. He claims that he is fine now that we are broken up for good and that he is doing great except for some weak moments where he misses me. He has gotten to the point now that he thinks it is ok to call me and talk and see how I am. He says that he still cares about me because I was with him for so long and he is wondering why I am telling him that we can't talk. He views it as a being the nice guy and does not understand why we can't be friends. He acts as though he is ok now and that is what i wanted for so long so why am i not ok?. I went through hell and back and my self esteem was at the all time low and I am still working on climbing out of that deep dark pit that he Threw me in. I am angry because he was not able to be the man that i wanted all along and he also wonders why i am negative at times. I am doing better as the days go by but don't let your husband tell you that you should be ok because he was the alcoholic and probably can't even remember half the stuff that he put you through. Mine tells me that he doesn't remember a lot of nights!!! Must be nice to be able to forget that easy!!!! Hang in there girl you will be ok as we all will. Also remember that his family has no idea what really probably went on behind closed doors. Witnessing an alcoholic at thier worst is probably one of the most terrifying saddening experiences that no one will ever understand except for you and the people on sober recovery!!!! Take care!!!!

FormerDoormat

Isn't it amazing that when an alcoholic's relationship or family falls apart, it's never their fault? You say you don't love him any more and can't stand to be home with him, so how do you plan to remedy that situation?