"She Won't Talk"
Becoming a Butterfly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
"She Won't Talk"
Okay, AH has been moved out of here for months now. He's doing pretty well on the outside, but I'm not sure what's up with him inside.
I went away on vacation and while I was gone he went to my mother's house. He said he was sorry about what happened, claimed he was going to AA and getting therapy, that he takes responsibilty for messing everything up. Fine. Then she asked him a question about how he thinks I feel and he said, "I don't know how she feels. She won't talk."
I just have to vent ... he has said this repeatedly about my supposed refusal to talk about things. He says it as if there's something wrong with me - like I"m emotinally closed off and unable to talk about problems. Dammit, I talked until I was blue in the face. I screamed. I raged when I'd come home from work and find him passed out on the couch after he called in sick to drink all day. I told him our relationship wouldn't make it if he decided to drink till he passed out during every vacation we took. I told him that if he spent all his sexual energy on porn and didn't sleep with me that things weren't going to work out. I told him the alcohol was making him obese and unattractive to me to the point where I was glad to let him look at the porn and stay the hell away from me. I talked and talked and talked until I was done talking and decided to take action. That action was to tell him to get out of my house and be prepared to be served with divorce papers.
NOW he wants to talk, to make love, to go to AA, to go on vacation and actually spend time with me instead of with the bartender. He lost about 40 lbs AFTER I kicked him out.
He wants to "talk" which means talk me into accepting everything. To make me do things I don't want to do, like give him another chance.
Yes, he is a gentle, kind man. Yes, he loves me a great deal. Yes, it is scary to let love go because I see so many people who never find love even once and maybe I will never find it again. But it doesn't feel good to be loved by someone who is wasted every night. Yes, he makes fantastic money. But it doesn't feel good to have lots of money when he spends it like water and I have to watch the bank account like a hawk to make sure our bills are paid as if we were welfare people on crack.
I am not the bad guy here, dammit. I am not. I didn't buy so much beer from 7-11 that the clerks all knew I was an alky. He did.
In case you couldn't tell, I'm very frustrated.
I went away on vacation and while I was gone he went to my mother's house. He said he was sorry about what happened, claimed he was going to AA and getting therapy, that he takes responsibilty for messing everything up. Fine. Then she asked him a question about how he thinks I feel and he said, "I don't know how she feels. She won't talk."
I just have to vent ... he has said this repeatedly about my supposed refusal to talk about things. He says it as if there's something wrong with me - like I"m emotinally closed off and unable to talk about problems. Dammit, I talked until I was blue in the face. I screamed. I raged when I'd come home from work and find him passed out on the couch after he called in sick to drink all day. I told him our relationship wouldn't make it if he decided to drink till he passed out during every vacation we took. I told him that if he spent all his sexual energy on porn and didn't sleep with me that things weren't going to work out. I told him the alcohol was making him obese and unattractive to me to the point where I was glad to let him look at the porn and stay the hell away from me. I talked and talked and talked until I was done talking and decided to take action. That action was to tell him to get out of my house and be prepared to be served with divorce papers.
NOW he wants to talk, to make love, to go to AA, to go on vacation and actually spend time with me instead of with the bartender. He lost about 40 lbs AFTER I kicked him out.
He wants to "talk" which means talk me into accepting everything. To make me do things I don't want to do, like give him another chance.
Yes, he is a gentle, kind man. Yes, he loves me a great deal. Yes, it is scary to let love go because I see so many people who never find love even once and maybe I will never find it again. But it doesn't feel good to be loved by someone who is wasted every night. Yes, he makes fantastic money. But it doesn't feel good to have lots of money when he spends it like water and I have to watch the bank account like a hawk to make sure our bills are paid as if we were welfare people on crack.
I am not the bad guy here, dammit. I am not. I didn't buy so much beer from 7-11 that the clerks all knew I was an alky. He did.
In case you couldn't tell, I'm very frustrated.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by WantsOut
In case you couldn't tell, I'm very frustrated.
Having "been" the AH and knowing what we put others through... I say you are very calm.
Depending on where he is in his recovery, he could be very sincere and could be at a point of total change...or he could be in a sort of panic mode and is wanting to get things fixed before his hope runs out that they could be fixed.
Let his actions be your guide. His recovery will show as he grows and you will see changes. When proper recovery happens...things can be worked out and what I have found... The past 6 years have been the best 6 years of my whole marriage. Things can rise up out of the ashes and be born anew.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Mesa Arizona
Posts: 3
wants out - I am feeling exactly what you feel! I haven't left yet. Mainly because of my son. I am tired of trying, he wants to get better now. Great! Do it without me! I am done! I have been supportive and there for 10 years. I have tried for the last 3. Great. Be a better husband and father. To bad it couldn't have been with me. Great find someone who will be more supportive. To bad it wasn't good enough with me.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Best said it:
All he's doing right now is quacking. He was probably so oblivious because of the booze he never 'heard' a word you were saying all those years.
It's really way to early to tell if he is serious about recovery. You will know. You will see it by his actions.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. That is what is important right now. YOU not him.
Love and hugs,
Let his actions be your guide
It's really way to early to tell if he is serious about recovery. You will know. You will see it by his actions.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. That is what is important right now. YOU not him.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Drained
I am tired of trying, he wants to get better now. Great! Do it without me! I am done! I have been supportive and there for 10 years. I have tried for the last 3. Great. Be a better husband and father. To bad it couldn't have been with me. Great find someone who will be more supportive. To bad it wasn't good enough with me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
WantsOut, I can so understand your frustraton
. I find myself in a similar boat--my AH is full of great plans for our family, hope for a better future, for his own recovery... My response is--fantastic, but do it without me! If you are adamant about recovery--do it, don't tell me about it. Like Laurie said, at this point, it's still quacking.
I love your comment "He wants to "talk" which means talk me into accepting everything. To make me do things I don't want to do, like give him another chance". Right on! The more I deal with this disease and the older I get in general, the more I understand that talk is nothing, it means nothing. I want to see changes, I want to see them over time, not just once here and there, but over a substantial period of time. Six months? Nope, too short. A year? Maybe, but keep going up. As cliche as it sounds, time will tell. But my AH also said on several occasions that he doesn't know how I feel or something ridiculous like that! How can two people misunderstand each other so completely?! Because to me, ALL we've done for the past two years is talk. I am blue in the face, as well as dumbfounded--I guess that whole time I was conversing with a concrete wall.
. I find myself in a similar boat--my AH is full of great plans for our family, hope for a better future, for his own recovery... My response is--fantastic, but do it without me! If you are adamant about recovery--do it, don't tell me about it. Like Laurie said, at this point, it's still quacking. I love your comment "He wants to "talk" which means talk me into accepting everything. To make me do things I don't want to do, like give him another chance". Right on! The more I deal with this disease and the older I get in general, the more I understand that talk is nothing, it means nothing. I want to see changes, I want to see them over time, not just once here and there, but over a substantial period of time. Six months? Nope, too short. A year? Maybe, but keep going up. As cliche as it sounds, time will tell. But my AH also said on several occasions that he doesn't know how I feel or something ridiculous like that! How can two people misunderstand each other so completely?! Because to me, ALL we've done for the past two years is talk. I am blue in the face, as well as dumbfounded--I guess that whole time I was conversing with a concrete wall.
Last edited by an'ka; 11-07-2006 at 11:07 AM.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Mine (AXBF) had an epiphany after we split and he went into recovery - like someone who goes on vacation and sees the grand canyon for the first time and feels it will change them forever, then gets back on the plane goes back to work on Monday...
Like An'ka said - I'll believe the actions, not the useless words. Afterall, the grand canyon wasn't carved overnight!
Like An'ka said - I'll believe the actions, not the useless words. Afterall, the grand canyon wasn't carved overnight!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Understand,and have been there to,where the alcoholic-acts out,either,by their actions or words, saying,things that are not the truth about me,to others,and i reacted proto.I always use to be there to defend myself.Until i came to recovery rooms for my own recovery.I knew that i talked to him,the issue was that he was not listening.My issue,was in learning how not to react.,to the non-sence.Learning to let others think what they may about me.To let go of this stuff,for when i get into it,i can send myself up the wall quicker than anyone else could.I stoped.And rest assured,on truth.And continuing on with my own recovery,which is the only thing that i can change.As hub was growing in recovery,he eventually,stoped telling lies about me.By this time,it was a non-issue for me.I know who i am.And i was not the person who he precieved me to be,when he was active.And it wasnt just me,that he labled,and talked about.So he showed,not who i am,but who he was at the time.Just like i do,when or if i talk about others..I show folks who i am,not who they are...When i look at it this way,that i am the problem, im the one who is hurt,angry etc,,etc,because of anothers words or actions,this i can DO something about.Changed attitudes aid recovery.To not get into stuff that another throws at me.As al-anon teaches me,to look only at my own part,in any given situation.For this is what will work into my life,and give me peace.Working on my own issues.Pray for those who lie,or,who condem me.I dont own what "they" do,or how "they" feel.Its about my own recovery.
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
I didn't buy so much beer from 7-11 that the clerks all knew I was an alky.
One time, I stopped there, to buy the paper (which AH does every day), and the guy working asked if I wanted a 16 oz beer with it too! There was a LOT of quacking when I got back when I asked AH why the clerk would ask me that? (This was in the afternoon - BEFORE AH goes to work) AH says that the guy working must have been confused, because he only gets his beer after work......hahaha, good one dear! (The drive-thru closes before he gets off work).
<---- Love this icon, it sums up alot.
Becoming a Butterfly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
So I had to share this. As mentioned above, hubby went on this heartfelt mission to my mom's while I was gone. He had stayed at my house - I have a teen and just needed someone here to make sure my house didn't turn into make-out central while I was away.
Yesterday I got groceries and as I was putting them away I found a beer in the back of the fridge.
I'm just astonished, tho I should know better by now than to be astonished. Not only does he drink in my house, but he leaves obvious evidence. I can only assume he kind of wants to get caught. I'm just - astonished. I can't think of any other word.
Yesterday I got groceries and as I was putting them away I found a beer in the back of the fridge.
I'm just astonished, tho I should know better by now than to be astonished. Not only does he drink in my house, but he leaves obvious evidence. I can only assume he kind of wants to get caught. I'm just - astonished. I can't think of any other word.
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