Feeling like a yo-yo -- tell me about you...
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Feeling like a yo-yo -- tell me about you...
So I've known for forever that my husband is an alcoholic, but I've accepted it only in the past six months (and even then, gradually and in a two-steps-forward, one-step-back kind of fashion).
I go to Al-Anon meetings as often as I can, and I am on the road to recovery, if only at the very start, and even if I'm moving at a snail's pace.
The most exhausting part of it -- today
because I know I'll find another reason to be exhausted tomorrow -- is the emotional ups and downs and backs and forth.
I love this man and I want our marriage to survive and flourish. I hate this man and I want out of his life.
I love this man and I wish there was something I could do to save his life. I hate this man and I want him to die.
I know he's an alcoholic and I know that I can't cure him. I think he's different than other alcoholics and maybe I can help him.
I know for a fact that I am also affected by the disease. I think if I could only ditch him, I'd be fine on my own because it's all just his drinking that's the problem.
I keep repeating to myself what I know to be true. And I keep going to the meetings that keep me real and keep me sane. But hotdang, tightropewalking seems downright easy compared to what I'm doing right now.
Tell me someone knows what I'm talking about so I don't have to feel all
on my own. Please?
I go to Al-Anon meetings as often as I can, and I am on the road to recovery, if only at the very start, and even if I'm moving at a snail's pace.
The most exhausting part of it -- today
because I know I'll find another reason to be exhausted tomorrow -- is the emotional ups and downs and backs and forth.I love this man and I want our marriage to survive and flourish. I hate this man and I want out of his life.
I love this man and I wish there was something I could do to save his life. I hate this man and I want him to die.
I know he's an alcoholic and I know that I can't cure him. I think he's different than other alcoholics and maybe I can help him.
I know for a fact that I am also affected by the disease. I think if I could only ditch him, I'd be fine on my own because it's all just his drinking that's the problem.
I keep repeating to myself what I know to be true. And I keep going to the meetings that keep me real and keep me sane. But hotdang, tightropewalking seems downright easy compared to what I'm doing right now.
Tell me someone knows what I'm talking about so I don't have to feel all
on my own. Please?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
COMPLETEY AND TOTALLY!
I could not have written my feelings better..........
I am now in the process of saving my own life. Alcoholism has gotten him, and definitley wants to get me, but I am fighting it with recovery. Manyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy failed attempts at saving him have brought me to such depths of insanity, I now am forcing myself to save my life, let go of him and what may come of him, and take care of me and my boy.
There has to come a point where we say we;ve done all we can do, and if if dont save ourselves, then both of us go down with the ship.
I try to remember, that if I survive this....maybe, just maybe, it will have a positive affect on him....and he may want what I have......and finally do what I do to get there.
In he mean time...it hurts........still.
I could not have written my feelings better..........
I am now in the process of saving my own life. Alcoholism has gotten him, and definitley wants to get me, but I am fighting it with recovery. Manyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy failed attempts at saving him have brought me to such depths of insanity, I now am forcing myself to save my life, let go of him and what may come of him, and take care of me and my boy.
There has to come a point where we say we;ve done all we can do, and if if dont save ourselves, then both of us go down with the ship.
I try to remember, that if I survive this....maybe, just maybe, it will have a positive affect on him....and he may want what I have......and finally do what I do to get there.
In he mean time...it hurts........still.
brightlight
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Detachment
Posts: 201
Exactly me too! Tonight I am getting the treatment because he went to the bar last night after lying for the billionth millionth zillionth time about going to the store, but went to the bar instead. Came home, slept on the couch, left me a note of how he is bad and sorry and quitting. Waits for me to call and yell and since I didn't then he finally called me from work and I did not answer, so now I get the treatment. He comes home from work, walks in all sad, gets money and goes to the bar because I have the nerve not to yell and the drama continues, but only for him because I am home and I get to eat and go to bed and ignore him. Only a few hours ago he was sorry and going to quit, but I guess he forgot and went to the bar. This is not about having to have a drink, tonight is about me not calling him. Totally different than NEEDING a drink.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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Oh, the conflicting emotions and feelings - I definately can relate to that!
I think that many times, we just get so angry and resentful and still feel such love and despair at the same time - it's only natural to have conflicting feelings.
Truly, alcoholism just hurts so many people.
I think that many times, we just get so angry and resentful and still feel such love and despair at the same time - it's only natural to have conflicting feelings.
Truly, alcoholism just hurts so many people.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Daydreamer... I can relate an awful lot. Except the twins part. :lol I have three -- and not triplets.
Charming -- check. Functioning -- check (so far). High-profile job -- check. Verbally very convincing -- check.
I feel like I'm in quicksand when I've tried to talk to AH about his drinking. Or like I'm in one of those dreams where you're trying to run but your feet won't obey you. But the one thing that has changed since I started going to Al-Anon is that... I don't talk about his drinking. I talk -- very calmly and matter-of-factly -- about how it affects me, when it's necessary. And only when he's sober. And it's made it possible for me to see his fear. To see how terrified he is. And to have compassion (when I first came to Al-Anon, I wanted him GONE so bad I could probably have poisoned his precious scotch).
But it's really friggin' confusing, this stuff. And I'm so glad to be among people who are crazy like me.
He's very charasmatic and charming however when not downing hidden whiskey bottles.
I feel like I'm in quicksand when I've tried to talk to AH about his drinking. Or like I'm in one of those dreams where you're trying to run but your feet won't obey you. But the one thing that has changed since I started going to Al-Anon is that... I don't talk about his drinking. I talk -- very calmly and matter-of-factly -- about how it affects me, when it's necessary. And only when he's sober. And it's made it possible for me to see his fear. To see how terrified he is. And to have compassion (when I first came to Al-Anon, I wanted him GONE so bad I could probably have poisoned his precious scotch).
But it's really friggin' confusing, this stuff. And I'm so glad to be among people who are crazy like me.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I've learned that attempting to talk to an alcoholic about thier drinking causes them to build stronger and taller walls of denial, it also gives them fuel to defend themselves in the future.
Just because an addict/alcoholic hasn't drank or used drugs that day and you think you are talking to a sober/sane person, think again. The mind and soul are diseased, your talking to a diseased brain. Ask youselves how many sober talks have you had and how many had any impact on their drinking in the long run. We get fooled, we build our hope because behaviors may change but soon we are extremely dissapointed and feel like we are back to squar one. I learned to let go and work my own recovery, I stopped walking on those egg shells, I stopped talking to him about his drinking and put all that focus on me and my recovery.
Just because an addict/alcoholic hasn't drank or used drugs that day and you think you are talking to a sober/sane person, think again. The mind and soul are diseased, your talking to a diseased brain. Ask youselves how many sober talks have you had and how many had any impact on their drinking in the long run. We get fooled, we build our hope because behaviors may change but soon we are extremely dissapointed and feel like we are back to squar one. I learned to let go and work my own recovery, I stopped walking on those egg shells, I stopped talking to him about his drinking and put all that focus on me and my recovery.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
they are all the same....just look different and earn different amounts of money, or no money.
we're all the same.....hell, by the time we've showed our a$$es over their behaviors....we're the ones who look insane.....they just look drunk.
it's torture to love our alcoholics until we get the help we need....then it's still hard at times.
and daydreamer, yes, you would get caught!!! lol! you would be the first person suspected. i used to feel the same....hells fire.....NO ONE WOULD BLAME ME!!!! EVERYONE KNOWS!!!!!
i used to resort to using so much salt on his food that it would make his face pucker.....course mine was just fine. i see the look on his face, and glaringly ask him.....what's wrong....don't you like it???? he'd eat every bit of it. oh....it was a hoot. until he got drunk, and would want to kill me for plotting against his drinking plan....how dare i plan a meal??? just to f up his buzz!??? never a word bout the salt tho.
it was rich. and like i said, a real hoot.
for just one moment. then my heart would break all over again for him. and i would be ashamed for my actions against a sick person.
he was sick. i was just mean. mean cause he was so chitty and getting violent, i didn't know what else to do except to react. try to stand up for myself. not get pushed around. stand my ground. zap him with shame, guilt, ridicule, and anything else i could use.
i had to get help or die myself.
al-anon was my salvation. now, i still struggle, and struggle greatly. because as nasty as he got, i still love him. i remember him. i hate the disease, not him.
unfortunately, i had to divorce mine. married him twice....divorced him twice.
like denny said, i would support him all the way, but only in sobriety. i'm not willing to go down with his disease, too.
good luck daydreamer, and god bless
keep coming here and reading
you will never feel alone again
you will never again feel like YOUR life is the only secret freak show
you will come to know you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it
you will come to know how easy it is to love people you don't even know that are going through the same as you
you will never be alone again
jeri
we're all the same.....hell, by the time we've showed our a$$es over their behaviors....we're the ones who look insane.....they just look drunk.
it's torture to love our alcoholics until we get the help we need....then it's still hard at times.
and daydreamer, yes, you would get caught!!! lol! you would be the first person suspected. i used to feel the same....hells fire.....NO ONE WOULD BLAME ME!!!! EVERYONE KNOWS!!!!!
i used to resort to using so much salt on his food that it would make his face pucker.....course mine was just fine. i see the look on his face, and glaringly ask him.....what's wrong....don't you like it???? he'd eat every bit of it. oh....it was a hoot. until he got drunk, and would want to kill me for plotting against his drinking plan....how dare i plan a meal??? just to f up his buzz!??? never a word bout the salt tho.
it was rich. and like i said, a real hoot.
for just one moment. then my heart would break all over again for him. and i would be ashamed for my actions against a sick person.
he was sick. i was just mean. mean cause he was so chitty and getting violent, i didn't know what else to do except to react. try to stand up for myself. not get pushed around. stand my ground. zap him with shame, guilt, ridicule, and anything else i could use.
i had to get help or die myself.
al-anon was my salvation. now, i still struggle, and struggle greatly. because as nasty as he got, i still love him. i remember him. i hate the disease, not him.
unfortunately, i had to divorce mine. married him twice....divorced him twice.
like denny said, i would support him all the way, but only in sobriety. i'm not willing to go down with his disease, too.
good luck daydreamer, and god bless
keep coming here and reading
you will never feel alone again
you will never again feel like YOUR life is the only secret freak show
you will come to know you did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it
you will come to know how easy it is to love people you don't even know that are going through the same as you
you will never be alone again
jeri
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Athens GA
Posts: 1
Amen. Yo-yo...Roller Coaster... and The Giant Snowball growing larger and gaining speed headed rapidly downhill to certain disaster and feeling as if there is nothing you can effectively do to totally get yourself and your innocent loved ones out of its path............ Bless You..... I am new here. This is only my second post. My first was my introduction/story and my questions of support needed. Prayer and non-abusive strong family and friends are my thread of strenght. I pray you have the same. ~Be Blest~
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 70
I am there in the yo-yo club!!! The title to your post definately caught my attention, because I am there! Should I stay or should I leave, should I stay or should I leave. Okay, honest time now. I'm embarrassed with my Al-Anon buddies because one day I tell them okay, this is it, I'M GONE! The next meeting I come to I tell them okay, I'm not quite ready yet. And on it goes - back and forth. They lovingly remind me, when I'm 100% ready, I'll know it. I can't leave until I'm 100% sure and don't waiver with the alcoholic, and don't come running back to his insobriety. Last Sunday I was so sure I was going to leave, and then I came home, and I like my house. I was thinking of the different projects I wanted to do. I was thinking of being home for the holidays. And what about my dogs. I can't count on my husband taking care of them when I leave. I told myself, I can do this. I can live with him just one day at a time. I am living with him right now just one day at a time. I can't think about tomorrow, just get through today. I have projects around the house that I can detach myself from him, by focusing on the projects.
I built a cabinet last weekend. I was so angry, I swung that hammer as hard as I could just to get the emotional tension out of myself and not take it out on the AH.
DayDreamer - thank you for the laugh!! And I laugh because I relate to what you said: "How can I kill him and not get caught?" Although, I wanted to get caught. I thought, that way I wouldn't have to work anymore at my job. I'd have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in. I'd be fed. I wouldn't have to worry about paying the bills anymore. Hmmm, prison some days sounds like a nice alternative.
My insanity: I can do this. I can do this. One day at a time. I'll separate myself in my mind from him. I'll go to meetings, and for one hour I will separate myself from him. Then, maybe tomorrow I will leave.
1st Step: I'm powerless
2nd Step: God, restore me to sanity. Amen.
3rd Step: God, I'm holding on to my will again. Help me to be willing to turn my will and my life over to your care. Amen.
I built a cabinet last weekend. I was so angry, I swung that hammer as hard as I could just to get the emotional tension out of myself and not take it out on the AH.
DayDreamer - thank you for the laugh!! And I laugh because I relate to what you said: "How can I kill him and not get caught?" Although, I wanted to get caught. I thought, that way I wouldn't have to work anymore at my job. I'd have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in. I'd be fed. I wouldn't have to worry about paying the bills anymore. Hmmm, prison some days sounds like a nice alternative.
My insanity: I can do this. I can do this. One day at a time. I'll separate myself in my mind from him. I'll go to meetings, and for one hour I will separate myself from him. Then, maybe tomorrow I will leave.
1st Step: I'm powerless
2nd Step: God, restore me to sanity. Amen.
3rd Step: God, I'm holding on to my will again. Help me to be willing to turn my will and my life over to your care. Amen.
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