sadface

The reason I am posting this thread is because my brother is having problems with his SO. I didn't realize his campanion was an alcoholic, and now it is out of control. I see and feel what my brother is going through because I have lived it. It is difficult to admit that our campanion is not the person we thought they were. We feel if they love us enough they will change or if we love them enough we can change them. We rationalize their actions because of their past. We feel because of our codependency and their alcoholism, nobody will put up with us like our campanions do. We fear we have failed again or have fears of being abandoned or unloved or lonely. We don't understand we are stronger than we think and we deserve to be treated better. I wish I could say something to prevent him from going through this, but I guess like an alcoholic he will decide when it is enough. His SO is lying, is aggressive, has money issues, blames the whole family for his drinking and problems. I gave my brother this link to this forum so that he could read and learn from it. I encouraged him to ask questions and people here will be honest. I feel their relationship will one day come to an end but how long it lasts depends on how long they will drag it. I see my brother does care and wants to help his SO. But I also see, his SO does not want to change or cares. My brother has heard about boundaries, detachment, enabling and is seeing a counselor, but he doesn't understand how to enforce it. He has hope SO will change, even though SO says his drinking is not an issue. He hides bottles, and argues so that he can go to the bar to drink. His SO calls me and others to say how awful my family is, he is vindictive, and hateful, especially towards my 84 yr old mother. He says my brother has to choose betwen the two of them. I don't hang up because of my brother but I make an excuse to get off the phone. I hope my brother reads this thread and understand it is time to let go....forever? I don't know, but I want him to understand his SO will cause him to lose everything he has. His job, home, and will alienate him from friends and family. I want my brother to understand that no one is more important to his SO than that bottle. I told my brother this, but he doesn't believe it. He says he does, but his actions don't match the words. I understand this because I once didn't believe it. 17 yrs later, I finally let go of my AH. We have stopped all communication or don't see each other at all. These past few months have been peaceful. Every once in a while I miss the campanionship but all I have to do is recall the kind of life I had with him and that stops me from missing him. An alcoholic needs to stop drinking completely, take responsibility of his actions, attend AA meetings, and must want to change. Cutting down his drinking is not recovery. I wish I could make my brother understand this, and save him the rough road he has ahead of him.

FriendofBill

Cant and shouldnt save anyone from life's lessons that need to be learned. How else would he learn them?

But you can help him...by being an example. Sharing your experiences, strength and hope. Show him what self-love looks like. He will admire what you have, what you are....maybe to the point where he wants what you have?

Be the best sister you can and that will be enough. Pray for him, and the SO, too.

Cynay

*hugs*

Today I dont have contact with my sister because her addictions kill me. I also wish she would find soberity, and she did for awhile when she got out of Jail and lived in a halfway house.... but unfortunally it did not stay with her and she went back out.

There is not one thing you can do to "make" him see the light. What you can do though is be an example to him by living your own recovery and sharing your ES&H with him along the way. As his life starts to spin out of control he will continue to talk with you and reach out and one day he will want what you have (or I should say I hope he will) and then he will be ready to learn.

We all have a journey, maybe it will help to think that God has a plan and that you cant change his journey.... maybe like you he has to do this to become who he will. Then again maybe that is why you went through it so you would be ready to help him when the time came.... Just be there for him sweets and share yourself with him.