recoveringrob

HELP! she has this fear.....?
i am an x addict...... i am doing every thing possable to make sure i never use again... i am damn confident in myself. my girl freind and i have been to gether for 7 months and we are totally in love.
the only prblem is her fear of me using again.....it over comes her and puts a wedge between us...she gets distant, grouchy, and snappy.when i have not even used... she has a fear to commit because she thinks i will use again....she feels she is in a catch 22 because she wants us to be together for ever.... but this fear is making me sad...her sad and in turn our relationship almost unbearable....she thinks as soon as i get too stressed out that i will dissapear or o.d. her fear is justifiable but its hurting out intamacy and we even start to argue ..im trying to be sensitive and liston but it is a fear we cant control... i just want to have a good relationship again....please help with any advice we need it......
the drug is winning again and im not even using....i could lose her

marriedithink

I spent alot of time afraid and it does affect the relationship. His drinking was often blamed on my fear. It sounds like she could use some help in her own recovery. There will be more people along that will give good advice, but part of being the SO of someone who has substance abuse issues is figuring out your role in the relationship and in the cycle. It sounds like she is dealing with some codependency issues. Are you in a program?

Pick-a-name

Congratulations on your sobriety! How long have you been in recovery and are you active in meetings,etc?

I can understand how BOTH of you feel. I don't think it is something that can be forced in her, and truthfully there are no gurantees..........about your sorbriety or in life. Take it slowly.

(Good luck)

LaTeeDa

I know what your girlfriend is going through. My husband is an alcoholic. He hasn't been drinking for over a year now. I still have the fear. Not just the fear of him drinking, but the fear of his behavior when he was drinking. The fear that he will abdicate his responsibilities as a husband and father. The fear that I will have to financially support him again. The fear that he doesn't love me enough to make me a priority in his life.

The thing is, these are my fears. My stuff to deal with. I have to learn to trust myself enough to know that I will be okay---no matter what he may or may not do. Going to a therapist has helped me tremendously, but I still have the fears. I don't think they will ever go away. Once a person has been traumatized by another's addiction, that trauma remains. For me it started when I was a child. My father was an alcoholic, then I married one. It is a pattern I hope to stop here and now before my children repeat it.

As I said, the fear does not just go away. It is what I do with the fear and how I react to it that matters. I admit it is there, I allow myself to feel it, then I decide what I am going to do about it. There is nothing my husband can do to cure my fear. It all comes from within me. I am learning how to love myself and take care of myself and not give anyone that kind of power over me. It is tough to do. It takes time, lots of time. Be patient with her and listen to her. That is all you can do. You cannot fix it for her, that she must do on her own.

JMO,

L

deax

I totally understand where your girlfriend is coming from, too. My ex’s problems with alcohol and drugs put a wall between us in every conceivable way—from communication to intimacy. I couldn’t trust. It was extremely hard on me, I put him in a no-win situation plenty of times out of FEAR. He wasn’t in recovery (though he faked his attempts well) but what I was doing was certainly not productive for either of us. I meant no harm, but every time something would happen it would absolutely devastate me. I couldn’t see a future for us, felt I was wasting my time, but what panicked me the most was my feeling that I was trapped, the feeling I had at that time that I couldn’t leave him because I loved him, so I was destined to be miserable.

I dunno how much time you have right now, but your gf is probably feeling many of the same things. Time may help her, when she sees your actions matching your words. (That's what my bf was never able to do.) You’ve come to a good place to explore this and I’m sure you’ll get a lot of great feedback.

But LTD is absolutely, 100% right. This is something that your girlfriend is going to have to resolve within herself. Your first priority is taking care of you and doing whatever you need to do to maintain your sobriety. Aside from being kind and supportive towards her, she needs to find her own coping mechanisms and the inner strength to take responsibility for her own decisions and then take life as it comes.

Everyone ideally wants to be with the person they love forever. There are no guarantees for any of us, especially when addiction is thrown into the mix. Perhaps advise her to attend Al Anon or even post here. By being proactive she can get educated about the realities of addiction, work through her insecurities, and learn the tools one needs to accept life on life’s terms and to see the futility in worrying about the future.

Welcome and congratulations to you on your sobriety. I admire your desire to help your gf through this.

guyinNC

Her fears are justified. Many addictics slip back into their old habits. That is not saying you will, but how does she know you won't? Give her time. Tell her you understand her fears and concerns. Give it time.....lots of time.

kermit

Suggest allanon so she can learn how to deal with these fears