splithead

im working on my 4th step. im writing it all down on paper. ive been working on it for about a week now, and im not nearly even close to finished yet. im not sure i ever will be. im not feeling very good about myself right now. infact im down right depressed. without going into many details about myself, ive discovered that im a lieing no good piece of **** and thats putting it mildly. im not sure that i should be telling you guys this, but i wanted to vent and was hoping for some insight, some advice from those that have been there done that and will i ever feel better about myself. im going through alot of self discovery right now, and not much is very positive. i didnt realize that i was such a terrible person. ive always been very good about hiding the bad things about myself and conning people into thinking i was a great well balanced person and now im forced to deal with the negative **** and its very hurtful. ive hurt alot of people, and i dont deserve to fell good about myself. im not sure that i'll ever be able to make amends for all that terrible things ive done.

Running

I once had to come to terms with my true self. It's when we wake up and see the truth that we are able to change the things about ourselves we don't like. Change is the key, not the enemy. It takes a lot of courage to admit when we've done wrong, and it's not always easy to change, but it is possible. So I leave you with my favorite saying. Hang in there.---running

We can not alter the past, nor can we see what tomorrow will bring. For the moment all we have is this very moment.----E.F.

splithead

i just realized how whiney my post appears. keep in mind im mostly venting. thank you running for your very helpful comment. any and all comments are welcome. no matter how demeaning it is.

chicago

yeah on 4 and 5 i discovered a common theme in my behavior dating back to 6th grade when my self will started to run riot. self centered. inconsiderate. self seeking. and completely incapable of telling the truth. i lied so much that i couldnt keep track of all my lies to everybody.

i used the worksheets for the 4th step (resentments, fears, sex conduct, and non sexual harms done wrong to others). i was 30 pages long and took me 3-4 weeks to do it. i wrote it on the train to work, home alone at night, in the morning in my room...everywhere and anywhere. some things i did were so bad that i suppressed them and didnt remember them until my 10th day or so.

Sugah

Are you working with a sponsor? They can be very helpful in dealing with the emotions that surface while doing a 4th step. Also, if you continue to focus on Steps 1-2-3, you might find some comfort in knowing that you're not doing this alone. You've got the power of the entire universe behind you (oh, there goes my spiritual beliefs leaking out!), and you can do this. This step is necessary to build a foundation for change. Painful as it is, the relief and joy as you progress will be worth it.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

barb dwyer

hey split -

I'm on 4th, too. And my thing is making myself write for a certain time. My sponsor set it up so that I won't go off into 'margaret mitchell land' and get too wordy (as everyone can understand from the length of some of my posts.) when I'm supposed to be focusing on what I did.
I have to remember, that it's not the 'great american novel' and just another tool that is going to clear the way for me to become whatever it is that the Creator has in mind for me.
Hang in there, bud! I will if you will!

Rusty Zipper

split hey split, no worries... what we have found is your not a bad person... addiction just got in the way... i do not believe anything you have said or done, "I, We" have'nt herd, nor done before ourselfs...
split, as far as the amends... forget about them for now... for me looking back, it was projection city... having done the rest of the steps, working close with a good sponser, and hearing what all have done before me... geeze, did i get nerved up for nothing... for me, recovery is about who i was, where i am now, and who i can be... and split... i like me today... tomorrow, dunno! lol

good wishes split............................. xxoo, zip