Tally

Do any of you ever feel an overwhelming sense of lonliness?

I can't shake it these last few days. I could blame the PMT but I dunno if that causes loneliness, lol.

Just been thinking, when I have a bad day, or I'm unhappy about something, I've got no one to talk to. Sometimes I just feel sad and need a cuddle and I can't get one. If I show I'm feeling down it gets ignored because he thinks I'm sad about something to do with him (and he's normally right) so rather than ask whats the matter, he ignores it.

Although to be honest it's prolly better that way. I think I've forgotten what it's like to have a "normal" relationship...You have something on your mind, you sit down and talk about it..only if I've tried in the past to do that he thinks I'm attacking him, even though I'm not meaning it that way and then goes on the defensive...turns it round on me...you know the routine, so I stopped sharing my feelings with him, but now I'm just lonely.

Anyway, thanks for letting me get that off my chest, hopefully it'll pass soon.

My abf has an appointment for an in patient clinc on the 23rd Nov. It's just the appointment for the assessment. I had nothing to do with it, didn't even lift the phone...he did it all himself without me even knowing...so he wasn't as helpless as he made out after all, lol. But then I knew that already.

I'm not holding my breath, infact I have no illusions at all about him going through with it...but it's worrying me all the same, not if he doesn't go, but if he does.
That sentance sounds fxxxed up even to me...
I don't really know him any other way than being a drinker....what if all the bad things that I've put down to him being an alcoholic are still there if he sobers up?
Sorry, I guess theres no answer to that...just letting my mind wander.

BohemiMamaof3

Said a little prayer for you, hope that's OK. Hang in there. Wish I had better words of wisdom & comfort...

Midnightfrost

I understand where your coming from. . . . been caring for my mum(enabling is probably more accurate) for years. It's frightening thinking of the excuse for the chaos drying up. There has been something outside or yourself and them to blame all this time. It's the alchohol or the drugs etc. When they're dry there isn't that excuse there anymore. A huuuuuge change. How do you make transition. How do you change the control dynamics. I know I've come to take responsibility for everything. Managing the money, managing her health, the car, etc. How do you get back in balance without feeling completely out of control? And how much can you give back. I know I've thought things were "better" and given up too much responsibility and had everything go to sh*t again. I hope he recovers and you can work out some kind of balance. Have you checked out any books on addiction and codependence? I got some good pointers there. Thinking of trying alanon meetings next. Unfortunately hell gets to feeling like home. If you spend enough time in hell anything better is frightening and unwelcoming at first but it sure does feel good once you start taking steps to get out.

mallowcup

I used to feel very lonely at certain times of the day. Once the last of our kids left, dinner time was so depressing. It took a long time to stop cooking for 5. From dusk to dark, I remember sitting over a cold dinner. I remember checking evry time a car came by hoping it was him. It hurt if I broke down and found him sitting around the corner at the bar with his friends as if he had no wife to come home to. I suppose when all the kids were home, it was a distraction from the truth. It became unavoidable. I took it all so personally because in a million years, I couldn't imagine just stopping off at a bar and not calling and just not showing up until I felt like it knowing my husband was at home waiting for me. I couldn't imagine making someone feel that way. I don't live in a big city, I live way out in the middle or no where. It is beautiful and peaceful, we chose to live here and commute. I hadn't imagined living most of it alone. I am very busy with many many interests and hobbies. There is just something about that time between dusk and dark that I find so depressing. I can't make him stop drinking and I am certainly welcome to join him (no thanks). I started working 3-11pm. I just skip that whole time of the day. It has been so helpful in detaching. I don't necessarily think that you have to join a group that is exclusively about alcoholics to find help. I think getting involved in any group of interest brings new people and insights.

lostnotfound

I live alone now, and I do get lonely. I like spending time by myself, but I miss " a human touch " . You know...someone to snuggle on the sofa with, give a hug to. I just keep reminding myself that it's better than living with XAH.

deax

I dunno how you do it mallow, but you always put my feelings into words so friggin simply and accurately.

These 2 sentences are the best reminder-- and one I needed badly this week-- of why I needed to get away from him. Not tragic, just simple as this. I CANNOT UNDERSTAND hwo they do these things. What I am getting better at is not trying to understand it anymore. I used to actually spend time imagining what it's like to be him, and from there how he could be so mindless and insensitive with stuff like this. I never figured it out.

Remembering the little things like this is the best antidote to my loneliness. Cuz I think I'd rather feel lonely than... whatever that feeling is when the above happens!

mazey

I was lonely when he lived here, often. Like Mallow said, he also would just stop off with the guys and not have any thought or consideration towards me waiting here for him. Even on the nights we had made plans, if he got caught up w/ them, he'd displace all other plans!
But, even with him here....it was lonely alot of times. All of that would eventually make me resentful and I don't miss that at all! My "boys" (the dogs & cat) are my companions now, and you know what? They always want to be around me! And, they sense when I am having a bad day and are more attentive! But, I would like to have another human to touch me, hug me....etc. I am hopeful! Maybe it will come....

DesertEyes

The line I have heard in al-anon that makes sense to me is that "I'd rather _be_ alone than _wish_ I was"

Mike

marriedithink

I have spent most of my adult life alone (single) my AH was the first man I had ever really been serious about, lived with etc. I always liked my single life. All my time spent alone I have never felt as alone as I have throughout our relationship.

Cynay

I think that was the worst pain for me....

Being so lonely while he was sitting beside me.

I also enjoy my down time, or my time alone and today Im thankful that I have a choice as to if I want to be lonely or not. Then I had no choice, but today if I need a hug I just go to a meeting and get one. Being alone is not so bad today.

IrshIzNotSmilin

I think feeling loss of love is lonely. I do not mind being alone but I do find it hard to handle feeling the disconnect. Some of that is brought on by my own moods so I am trying to deal with that. Sometimes my codependent behaviors make me really alone. I can't stop them and they spiral out of control. Some of this is worse around the PMT. I totally get that. Heres a HUG.

Tally

That's exactly what I mean...

I can get hugs and snuggles on the sofa or in bed whenever I want them...except when I really need them, when I'm feeling sad.

It's like I've just stopped trying to connect with him in a way...self preservation or whatever...I'm rambling, not too sure what I mean....I mean, how can you be lonely when theres people around you all the time, but I can't think of another word to describe how I'm feeling...weird.

IrshIzNotSmilin thanks for the hug....cyberspace hugs can be so effective at times eh, hehe

mallowcup

I have given this very topic so much thought. I will say that I have considered that my own brothers do what ever they want and account to no one. They are men. It has occurred to me that the girls and boy in our house were raised very differently. The girls had to answer the standard questions every time we left the house. Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be home? This has tuck with me as I find that as a dult woman, I seem to always announce where I'm going, who I'm going with and when I'll be back. I'm trying to stop doing that. The boys in my house came and went as they pleased, they were seldom where they said they'd be, rarely with who they said they'd be with and hardly ever came home on time. My parents didn't wait up for the boys, but if the girls were late, you can be sure someone would be waiting up! This led to an interegation and being grounded. My brothers right of passage into "manhood" was almost celebrated. My right of passage into "womanhood" was dreaded. It was a frequent lecture topic. lecture topic, lecture topic! My husband was raised in the same time frame as me so I do think much of it was the upbringing of the 50's, 60's and seventies. Girls in the seventies were not practicing their new sexual freedoms with their parents blessings. There was alot going on in gender equality, but it wasn't welcomed at all. Could some of it be so simple as saying, "Girls are raised differently than boys". If I was going to be late, I damned well better be on the phone telling my parents. If my brothers were late, no big deal. Boys will be boys.

Cynay

For me its more of the need to "connect" with someone on a deeper level.

I know we are not supose to have expectations .... but if Im going to share my life with someone I expect to have the depth of intimancy with them that I dont have with an average joe.

Lets look at it this way. I know that Im probably more "in tune" with my partner then most .... I pay very close attention to not only what they say and do but also every other little detail of them... why? I dont know, I love them and maybe its part of my codieness but I want to know them on a much deeper level. Now this is true not only in a relationship with my SO but also with my daughter... Im pretty good at "reading" them because what they feel and think is important to me. People are not always "able" (especially teens) to express what is going on inside... therefore I watch them closely at times.

Though I dont expect my SO to have the same depth of understanding of me I do expect they should be concerned enough to pay attention and when they either dont see or dont "want" to pay attention to my needs, be it as simple as a hug because I hurt.... then it leaves me feeling very lonely... not to mention a dozen other feelings.

Maybe this intutiveness comes from being an abused child of an Alcoholic parent and was a defense trait. I know when I was young I would "know" when to remove myself or my sister from a potential harmful situation and spent alot of time "reading" my Alcoholic parent... What I do know is that I dont want to change that part of me because I love that depth I can see in others.....

But when its my beloved.... Its lonely at times not to have that, or even a little of that returned. Alcoholics are selfish by nature and I should not expect them to be thinking of me..... But it does not make it less lonely.