Question About Tough Love
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: New York
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Question About Tough Love
Hi,
I have a question about tough love when dealing with an active alcoholic. Before I ask the question, let me start with a brief background...
My father and my sister are the alcoholics in my immediate family. I did not truly become aware of my father's problem until we were faced dealing with my sister (started at age 20, I was 18). My sister has been in and out of rehab for the past 18 years. My father never sought help, but tried stopping from time to time on his own, only to go back to it.
My mother passed away 3 years ago from lung cancer at age 59. This hit my family very hard. My father began drinking even heavier than usual. My sister was still sober until about a year ago, when she threw away her 5 years of sobriety for no apparent reason. She went back into rehab this past April for a few weeks.
About 3 weeks ago, my father passed away quite suddenly from liver disease (age 64). This now leaves only me and my sister. Prior to my father's passing away, my sister had moved back into his house in an attempt to try and get her life back together. I've now found out she is drinking again. My parents had left me in charge of everything in their will, knowing my sister's history. I'm responsible for the house, everything in it, including their 2 dogs.
Over the last few days, I have been doing nothing but screaming my head off at my sister. I told her I want her out of the house. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, nasty, unsympathetic, etc. I know in the short time she's been at the house, she has made a complete mess of the house (filth as well). The house is a non-smoking house. My parents did not smoke, I do not smoke. I'm not sure what we are going to do with the house right now (sell, or keep), but I've asked her several times to not smoke in the house, which she has ignored.
Am I being too tough in kicking her out of the house? I'm hoping she will go into another program to straighten out her life. I feel if I don't take this measure with her, she will destroy the house, something my parents worked very hard for.
I don't know what to do, and I really don't have the mental strength to handle this right now.
Thanks for letting me vent.
I have a question about tough love when dealing with an active alcoholic. Before I ask the question, let me start with a brief background...
My father and my sister are the alcoholics in my immediate family. I did not truly become aware of my father's problem until we were faced dealing with my sister (started at age 20, I was 18). My sister has been in and out of rehab for the past 18 years. My father never sought help, but tried stopping from time to time on his own, only to go back to it.
My mother passed away 3 years ago from lung cancer at age 59. This hit my family very hard. My father began drinking even heavier than usual. My sister was still sober until about a year ago, when she threw away her 5 years of sobriety for no apparent reason. She went back into rehab this past April for a few weeks.
About 3 weeks ago, my father passed away quite suddenly from liver disease (age 64). This now leaves only me and my sister. Prior to my father's passing away, my sister had moved back into his house in an attempt to try and get her life back together. I've now found out she is drinking again. My parents had left me in charge of everything in their will, knowing my sister's history. I'm responsible for the house, everything in it, including their 2 dogs.
Over the last few days, I have been doing nothing but screaming my head off at my sister. I told her I want her out of the house. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, nasty, unsympathetic, etc. I know in the short time she's been at the house, she has made a complete mess of the house (filth as well). The house is a non-smoking house. My parents did not smoke, I do not smoke. I'm not sure what we are going to do with the house right now (sell, or keep), but I've asked her several times to not smoke in the house, which she has ignored.
Am I being too tough in kicking her out of the house? I'm hoping she will go into another program to straighten out her life. I feel if I don't take this measure with her, she will destroy the house, something my parents worked very hard for.
I don't know what to do, and I really don't have the mental strength to handle this right now.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
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Hi Peace,
This must be horribly difficult for you. Is this the sister that was in rehab months back, that you didnt want to go visit?
I am of the opinion that asking an alcoholic to leave your house is your right. This house was left to you and likely for good reason. Its your sanity and physical property at stake (since your folks left the home to you).
Have you set any boundries with her?
Like, If you smoke in the house, you will have to leave?
Or something of that nature?
This must be horribly difficult for you. Is this the sister that was in rehab months back, that you didnt want to go visit?
I am of the opinion that asking an alcoholic to leave your house is your right. This house was left to you and likely for good reason. Its your sanity and physical property at stake (since your folks left the home to you).
Have you set any boundries with her?
Like, If you smoke in the house, you will have to leave?
Or something of that nature?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: New York
Posts: 7
Hi,
I've told her several times that if she smokes in the house, she will have to leave. When my father was alive, he found out she was smoking in the house, and he told her that if she did it again, she will need to find someplace else to live.
Yes, this is the same sister who was in rehab months back. I did go visit, and spoke in a group session.
I've told her several times that if she smokes in the house, she will have to leave. When my father was alive, he found out she was smoking in the house, and he told her that if she did it again, she will need to find someplace else to live.
Yes, this is the same sister who was in rehab months back. I did go visit, and spoke in a group session.
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The estate was left to both of us, split 70/30. I am the executor of the estate, and my sisters portion is held in a trust account. My parents did this our of concern for my sister. They trust that I will do what is right for her. I do want to do what is right for her, but I cannot support her living life the way she is doing it now.
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It seems easy enough to smoke outside. She has a pretty good deal going at the moment and if she is going to blow it.......I asked about the legal end of it because I'm not sure you can legally throw her out. Would it be possible to pay her off? I would take this issue to a lawyer for clairty to see what you can and can't do. I happen to be on the periphery of something similar. My mother-in-law has decided to gift $10,000.00 to each of her three kids, She will also gift $5,000.00 to three of her six grandkids. My drunk brother-in-law has had 4 wives and three kids. He didn't acknowledge his kids so I guess she isn't either. (Shameful!) I know all three of these kids and they are struggling great kids. Instead she is gifting the drunk $10,000.00. She has made such a production about this! The point has been made over and over who is getting money and who isn't. Selective affection? It hurt my feelings tremendously that the papers arrived with just my husbands name on them. Omission hurts deeply. It is also embarrasing to the recievers. I've decided I want no part of this money. (not that I have a choice). I guess I believe strongly in seed. This money is not a gift, it is a chain. It was supposed to come as a check. Yesterday IRA papers arrived. She is opening a retirement fund for each of them instead. Money can be used to help people so much. Money can also be used to hurt people so much. I would set up an account where your sister will recieve a certain amount periodically. Perhaps you can spirit her out by charging her portion for rent, taxes and utilities. That seems reasonable. Your parents knew she would blow this money. I'm sorry you have to deal with her at this period of mourning. I guess your actions should reflect the wishes and desires of your parents. It is your way of showing them respect. I'm so sorry for your loss. My parents have one house and five kids. My father died two years ago and my mother is no good with money. She has been shopping for two years and there is virtually nothing left.....except the house. I think this is why I'd talk to a lawyer and keep it practical and legal, very matter of fact. With all the ugliness surrounding the money issues in my own house, I hope I will be fair and wise with mine.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
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Hi Peace, Condolences on the losse of ur parents. This is a very tough spot to be in. There are some control issues here if I may say so. #1- You can't force her back into rehab. Remember- you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. I am trying to be unbiased here but your sister is grieving also. Since you are control of the estate you and your sister are at odds. Screaming at her is not productive. As I am unsure if there is any cash in any accounts, Could u offer here a deposit on an a little apt. Then suggest she call social services until she makes the choice to hit her bottom again. I do not care for smoking either but once again that is her issue though it is effecting the family home. She sounds to me like she is very depressed, I have known too many alcoholics unfortunately, but some kept their places neat as a pin. Possible a trip to a Dr. would be in order does she express anything that is on her mind. Many people self medicate with alcohol. I would not enable her at all but it seems from your posts that u and ur sis aren't close. I would not cut her too much slack but it would be ideal if u could work through th procees of grieving together but money and property can divide a family believe me I know about it all too well. I could be way off here. Well, I will pray for u both today. K
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Hi peace,sending you my sencere condolences.
Let your own conscious be your guide.Pray.Take your time,with your decisions.Get to the root and causes of ,why,your screeming at your sister.What IS,causing this outburst.When getting to the root,ive found that i wasnt angry for the reasons that i first thought that i was.I found that i had wants,for another that they were not living up to.I wanted them to quit drinking,and doing all the stuff that goes with drinking.I wanted them to change,now,and they didnt.So therefore id scream at them,to make changes.This was only hurting me.It has been through recovery that i know that i cannot change another.But i can change.
My prayers are with you and your sister.
My God,s peace be with you both.
Let your own conscious be your guide.Pray.Take your time,with your decisions.Get to the root and causes of ,why,your screeming at your sister.What IS,causing this outburst.When getting to the root,ive found that i wasnt angry for the reasons that i first thought that i was.I found that i had wants,for another that they were not living up to.I wanted them to quit drinking,and doing all the stuff that goes with drinking.I wanted them to change,now,and they didnt.So therefore id scream at them,to make changes.This was only hurting me.It has been through recovery that i know that i cannot change another.But i can change.
My prayers are with you and your sister.
My God,s peace be with you both.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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Hi Everyone,
Thanks for the kind wishes.
In regards to fighting with my sister, it has nothing to do with money or property. In fact, my plans were to sell the house, and get an apartment for her, in addition to giving her a monthly allowance. My goal was to try and help her be responsible. This all changed when she confirmed she was drinking again, and has been even before my dad passed away.
I know she's greiving, but my sister also loves throwing herself pitty partys. She has been like that for quite some time. Don't get me wrong, losing my dad has been quite devastating, especially since it was unexpected (he wasn't sick, or at least he didn't tell us he was), but I truly beleive my sister is using his death as an excuse to drink, be a slob, not leave the house, etc. The thing is, she was like this before he died. In fact, my father had a talk with me that after he got back from vacation (he died the week before his vacation), he was going to lay down the law with her. That if she wanted to live in his house, she needed to get a job, and clean up her act.
I am now following what I know my parents would have done. Although I know I cannot force her to stop drinking, I also know I don't have to put up with it. My parents gave me control of the estate for this very reason. I told my sister that I'll do whatever I can to help her, but she needs to get her act together first.
As for my anger...I really am angry about what I'm screaming about. She moved into the apartment in the upstairs of my parents house on Sept 1. There is now bags of clothes all over the floor, empty and full food and beverage containers. Cigarette ashes. Food spilled in areas that has not been cleaned up. I'm afraid we'll get bugs and mice. She knows she needs help, and is getting in touch with some rehab places, but she still has not cleaned up. I cannot be there everyday to stay on top of her, I work full time, and live in an apartment about 30 miles away. I shouldn't have to police her either, which is where my anger comes in. I know once she goes to rehab, I'll be left to clean up her mess. Plus, my grandparents very nice furniture is in this apartment, which I fear is now so full of grime, it's unsalvagable.
I don't know what to do.
Thanks for the kind wishes.
In regards to fighting with my sister, it has nothing to do with money or property. In fact, my plans were to sell the house, and get an apartment for her, in addition to giving her a monthly allowance. My goal was to try and help her be responsible. This all changed when she confirmed she was drinking again, and has been even before my dad passed away.
I know she's greiving, but my sister also loves throwing herself pitty partys. She has been like that for quite some time. Don't get me wrong, losing my dad has been quite devastating, especially since it was unexpected (he wasn't sick, or at least he didn't tell us he was), but I truly beleive my sister is using his death as an excuse to drink, be a slob, not leave the house, etc. The thing is, she was like this before he died. In fact, my father had a talk with me that after he got back from vacation (he died the week before his vacation), he was going to lay down the law with her. That if she wanted to live in his house, she needed to get a job, and clean up her act.
I am now following what I know my parents would have done. Although I know I cannot force her to stop drinking, I also know I don't have to put up with it. My parents gave me control of the estate for this very reason. I told my sister that I'll do whatever I can to help her, but she needs to get her act together first.
As for my anger...I really am angry about what I'm screaming about. She moved into the apartment in the upstairs of my parents house on Sept 1. There is now bags of clothes all over the floor, empty and full food and beverage containers. Cigarette ashes. Food spilled in areas that has not been cleaned up. I'm afraid we'll get bugs and mice. She knows she needs help, and is getting in touch with some rehab places, but she still has not cleaned up. I cannot be there everyday to stay on top of her, I work full time, and live in an apartment about 30 miles away. I shouldn't have to police her either, which is where my anger comes in. I know once she goes to rehab, I'll be left to clean up her mess. Plus, my grandparents very nice furniture is in this apartment, which I fear is now so full of grime, it's unsalvagable.
I don't know what to do.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
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I'd find a rehab. Get her into it and while she is there, put a for sale on the house. "For Sale by owner". Even if you decide to list the house with a realtor it gets her out with a good reason to keep the house empty. Get it cleaned up and when it's time for her discharge, make it known that moving back into the house is not an option. She isn't going to clean it up or keep it clean. She may even burn it down if she is smoking drunk.She isnt' going to leave. Blame a realtor the insurance company. The house has to be prepared to be shown.
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