Midnightfrost

I see there is a newbie forum but I'll start here. My mum is an addict. She's been in denial about it for years and so have I. It took having my house forclosed on and now with the bank threatening to reposses my car to realize that something is majorly wrong! My grandmother is also an addict. She and my mother were living with me. My mum's cleaned up before. She damn near died the first time. I thought she was genuinely sick but now I realize what's going on. She refuses to go to a counselor or anything. She tells me she's getting off of them and has found a new job. Training starts in 2 weeks. I've made the difficult decision to cut off the money. I put gas in the car on the way home from work and give her five dollars for cigarettes. I'm only a few days into saying no but the world hasn't come to an end! I'm trying to be supportive and positive around her. I know in the next few days things are going to get much more difficult. When she runs out of "medicine" she's going to do everything she can to make me give her money. I just hope I can be strong enough to say no. Just wanted to share. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I feel like I'm waking up from this horrible nightmare. I'm not sure how to change things. I know I can't change her but I'm not sure how to move on myself.

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... we are glad that you found us.

Im sorry you are going through this... May I ask why your Mother and Grandmother are living with you?

It has been my experience that whenever we change the dance the A in our life will do everything they can to get our action back in line with there needs/wants. Unfortunally nothing changes unless we stay strong in our boundries.

I look forward to getting to know you better.... sick around and read the stickies at the top of the form. I might suggest Al-anon as well ... nothing like face to face support with people who really understand the problems.

Midnightfrost

my grandmother no longer lives with me. My mother and I are living with a family friend since we are homeless. I was so far in denial. . . I let my grandmother move in with us. My mother was a recovering(i think) addict but slipt back into using. The grandmother moving in was under the guise of caring for her. She's old and frail now but still an addict. At the time I didn't realize my mother had/has a drug problem. She was working and healthy then. The plan was I have a part time job and go to school. Mum and I live together so I could afford to go to school(we have been codependent with a capital C for a number of years). Granny ended up with us along the way. A very poor decision on my part. Things spiraled out of control from there. . . at least more out of control. I'm back to working full time. And mum is no longer working. Even when she was working and earning good money there wasn't ever enough money to keep the bills and groceries covered. Even now there isn't enough to pay the few bills we have left. It just seemed to all slip away. No explanation. I've taken back control of my earnings. Trying to save the car. I've been accepted for training at a new job that is away from where we are now and pays well. I start training for it in a couple of months. I've come to the realization that I can't keep caring for my mother or I'll become her. . . just like she's become my grandmother. My mother knows I'm leaving soon. I'm trying to stay strong and avoid letting this opportunity slip away.

Midnightfrost

I feel like I'm coming up for air for the first time ever too. My father was an addict/alcoholic. He died from liver cancer. My grandmother is an addict. My mother is an addict. My ex boyfriend was an alcoholic. I'm trying to break the patterns. I'm reading books. Reaching out to friends. I will look into local meetings. The 12 step thing doesn't seem like a good fit for me though. Any suggestions for alternatives?

Cynay

I did not like Al-anon one tiny bit ..... I was actually upset that I had to go and get help when it was his/there problem.

That was 1 1/2 years ago and even though Im no longer with my alcoholic I still keep going back. It took me awhile to see how much help I was getting from the program ... oh and a very patience sponsor.

I use Theraphy, Al-anon, open AA meetings, SR and alot of reading.... I dont know of any alternatives to the 12 step program but maybe start with a therapist??? I know they have group counsel too.

deax

Midnight, just wanted to say, until you find out whatever it is that works for you (and that takes time- I'm still kinda figuring that out too), you are fortunate to be blessed with the insight you have and the strength and willingness to be proactive and take action to make things better for yourself. I understand 100% the codependent relationship with mom and grandma thing, I have that too, and I'm currently living with my mom while I finish school too.

As far as Al Anon, yeah it is based on the 12 steps, but I've been in it for 3 or 4 months now and I'm not actually working the steps yet, nor do I have a sponsor. I don't LOVE Al Anon honestly, but hearing other people share gives me a chance sometimes to gain new insights or redefine my own thinking-- or sometimes just something to ponder in between meetings. The Al Anon books have been very helpful to me, esp the A Day at a Time one, I read that each night before I go to bed. I also go to therapy, I started going back to Church and trying to re-connect with God, I read a lot, and I strated going to these awesome meditation workshops on the weekends too. Meditation is another great way to calm down, breathe, and search for answers/clarity.

Anyway, it's nice to meet you, and I'm glad you're here to start your journey.

lillamy

Hey Midnight -- I'm so with you there. I'm married to an A, and I'm fighting the idea of the 12-step program with all I've got. It just seems silly and formulaic and I'm not sure about a lot of things about it.

But I keep coming back to the meetings, because they give me ONE place in this world where I feel like such a misfit, just ONE place, where I don't have to pretend. Where people understand me. Where I can say one minute that I can't live without my A and the next that I wish he would just die, and nobody judges me.

Nevahmindtheprogram, if you don't think it's for you. Go for the support. And glad to see you here.

reader

Welcome to SR~ You have found the best group with plenty of support. Your plate is full, hun. As a fellow caregiver to an ailing now passed away Grandmother I know the stress it causes and the quilt. As hard as it is right now u have to help u. Our u able to stay for a time with these folks? Homelessness is a hard spot to be in. Does ur Mom even think she has a problem though I know presciption drug abuse is easy to deny in ones mind. My friend is in this boat now. Does she have any interest in getting back to work? Now lets get the focus back to u. Do what u have to get ur life back on track, u seem bright as h***. I am unsure of ur age but going back to school was a good idea. You need to follow through will ur plans and pray she gets help. Maybe give her some numbers or something but if it was me I would quit giving her money. Enabling is hard to stop when we love someone especially a parent. My heart goes ot to u today. Remember one day at a time!!!

lilac

(((Midnight))) Welcome. Therapy is a good idea, if the first therapist doesn't click with you try another. My first one was useless to me, the current one is great. This site is also a God-send !!!!!
Hope to get to know you better

Midnightfrost

Hopefully will be able to stay here until I leave to start the new job. Have a couple other offers for places to stay if things fall through here. Mother tends to push people away so not sure how long our current situation will last because she will probably do everything she can to sabotage things.

She is finally admitting to having a problem. But I'm not sure if she's not using that as more of a tool to manipulate me since I've cut off the money supply. "I know I have a problem and I working on it but I need your support(ie money)" I'm working hard to be supportive and kind emotionally but not give montarily. I feel even worse when I have to think this way about the situation. She has gone through the 12-step programs and al-anon with my biological dad and my adoptive dad. She says she has plenty of support from friends, family, and the doc that is weening her off the meds. She says doc says she's too emaciated to quit cold turkey(she looks like a holocaust victim, she's so skinny)

Thankfully she is very interested in getting back to work. She is supposed to start training for a new job in two weeks. But we've been through this before and after the two weeks it was two weeks more or the training got canceled etc. She is so emaciated and sick. I'm trying to get her to eat and rest and recoup between now and then. She's a total martyr . . . . she goes and goes . . . doesn't sleep or eat trying to keep everything covered but manages some how not to get anything productive done. Its so frustrating. She says "I have to go do something now!" And I push for her to recoup. Gain weight, focus on recovery. Take the two weeks to get healthier so you can make it through training and get to work. At this point she says she's not taking meds or she's weening off. . . it varies from day to day. I offer support and advice her to rest, eat, and do as much as she can around the house to build back muscle and endurance.

I'm in my mid-20's. From an upper middle class family and well educated. My whole life it's been maintain the appearance of normality. Everything must look great! We're happy, successful, and NORMAL! And since Middle school its quckly been crumbling into chaos. I truly think my grandmother and mother have another underlying mental illness. . . bipolar or something. . . when my mum was clean she still suffered with dibilitating anxiety, mood swings that seemed to go into or border on mania(staying up all night cleaning the carpets, etc) and a stubborn denial of reality.

At this point I'm focusing on getting into stable employment and aim to finish school up online part time. School has been used against me by my mother to keep me living with her and not self sufficient. I'm going to finish school on my terms now. I've gone through a tough interview process and been accepted for a great job. I have to make it through training which is also tough(only a 50% success rate) but I think I'm motivated enough to make it. It requires relocation which I'm very excited about! I've reached out to a couple close family friends(extended family is very disfunction) and opened up about the stuff that's going on. They've offered assistance to get through training and relocating.

I've got all these great words and ambitions but over the years I've always fallen back into caring for mom and helping mom. I'm so afraid I'm going to be in the same place in 10 and 20yrs. I really appreciate all the support and suggestions. I will look into the al-anon meetings. Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement.

Durango

I'm so impressed with your insight and perspective. Best of luck to you and I hope you will use every resource available to you, including Al-Anon and ACOA. Maybe that one will be more helpful right now? Blessings!!

notsleepingwell

(((Midnight)))
Saw your response on one of the posts so thought I'd read about you, through your previous posts. Ohhhh, honey, you have soooo much on your plate for being sooo young.
You have to take care of you now!!! The minute you get your new job, cut your mother loose. You are not responsible for her any longer. Now you have to focus on you. Whatever happens with your mother, happens, she is the older adult and should be helping you!!!! Perhaps if you allow her to become homelss, that will help her reach her bottom sooner. Have you read the sticky's at the top of the page.
Please, please, take care of you. Get your school, and a place for just you to live. You are not responsible for your mother, other than giving her respect. Her life is hers.....and she's made some hard choices, your life lies ahead....embrace it without all this baggage!!!
Hugs