blizzard77

I'm a nurse but I do insurance reimbursment on a small floor. My office is a little box in the middle of everything. Today, naturally people started talking about their holiday plans, families it just seemed everything triggerd me to bawl my eyes out. Feeling alone, abandoned, isolated, sad, angry. I just wanted to scream, so I came home. All he had to do was get a decent job and keep it, that's all I asked and he couldn't even do that and I'm crying over his stupid a$$?????
Like I said, I know it's for the best but it hurts like hell. It was a mutual decision but I feel like I've been abandoned in a state with no one to lean on. He has his brother. I keep telling myself this is God's will and not to mess with it and just let him go but I'm not to that point yet.
I've suffered alot of loss in my life and I've always felt abandoned by God, now I'm trying to think that he's here with me and I will get through this but my faith is not strong. The only peace I have is sleep.

mfisher

Do you have an employee assistance program with your company, that provides someone for you to talk to. Sometimes it is good to talk to someone that is totally objective.

Pick-a-name

(((blizzard77))) my thoughts and prayers are with you

Cynay

Its all part of the greiving process hon.... dont fight it.

There is a plan and for whatever reason you have to go through this to learn some lesson that is going to make you stronger. Its hard to believe today because your in the depths of pain.... but it will come.

I know that when Im hurting like that it helps alot to get out of my own head... do some charity work.... for the holiday help out at a soup kitchen... get more involved in your Al-anon meetings, there is alot of healing that happends when you share with someone else that is going through it too.

*hugs* it will get better.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Blizzard, I am so sorry, I hoped that my post would help put a little perspective on the sadness, but you have grief. Again ditto on it is the process, sometimes I feel like you describe and I am in the relationship. I send you support and know that when you do not feel your higher power is there it is then that he carries you. Do you have a counselor to see?? I hope you feel more balanced tomorrow.

blizzard77

I do see a counselor and I have an appointment with him tomorrow. I took the day off work tomorrow. I was such a blubbering fool today, it was embarassing. I see all the bad that was happening so I guess I'm not in denial about where the marriage was, but I still had a shred of hope. One day I would like to look back at this entire 9 year mess and think what was I thinking but today all I can think of is how sad it is that it is over. Him being 800 miles away is a plus because in past break-ups we'd end up talking at least weekly and the occasional "booty" call. Plus, he ALWAYS knew I was there and would be not matter what (stupid, stupid, stupid). Now, he's on his own but his pattern is to find a woman to leech off of at least when he was drinking. I haven't heard from him and I haven't called him so that's a big accomplishment for me. I have this note book sitting next to my couch and everytime I want to say something to him I write it down. Needless to say I've written alot the past two days. I'm trying so hard to believe that this is happening the way it should but it hurts so f'ing bad. I want to be over him yesterday. What is the worst of it all is the death of the dream I had that once he quit drinking our relationship would improve. I don't think he ever really loved me, he just loved what I provided to him. I don't understand why he was incapable of standing up and being a man. He's a broken man and that's just sad seeing as he's intelligent, has a bachelors degree, and has stopped drinking. WTF, like he said I expected very little of him and he couldn't even do that------keep a job. I'm not sure what running off to Buffalo is going to do for him, but that's the only place he had to go. yes, I'm worried he's going to start drinking again or using because no matter what I say when I'm angry, I do want the best for him. This just sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cynay

Your not stupid..... and your not a blubbering fool... you are human and you hurt that is all.

Im glad your going to counceling, and I know you want it over yesterday.... It hurts but you can be assured that your not alone in this. Good Idea with the notebook.... talking to him will only hurt more.

Dont worry about him or what he is doing... lets just keep the focus on you hon.

mfisher

Glad you have an counseling appt.
I was thinking about another one of your posts and something you said in this one. It was about wondering if he hurt and wondering if he really loved you.
I think that was such a huge thing for me, somehow I thought if he hurt without me, then possibly he really loved me.
I used to think "was I really that stupid to be in that love with someone for 23 years, who never really loved me."
I had to let go of that and realize they don't love themselves so how could they possibly love anything. It had nothing to do with me.
I had to realize the love I had for him wasn't healthy, it hurt to bad.
I understand about losing the "dream" we were married 23 years and have 3 children. The dream of growing old together, the grandchildren coming to stay etc. etc. I had to realize that if I had stayed what a nightmare those joyful moments would have turned into.
I will still grow old and have grandchildren, it is just going to be different and maybe it will be joyful, at least I know their is a chance.
These days are so very hard when they are first gone, but as time goes on the hard days will pass. A new life and new opportunities will come along.
Believe or not one day you will look back and say why the heck did I ever put up with all that and this pain you are feeling will all be worth it.
Keep writing.

Melindap

Hey, Keep your chin up hon. Let me tell you something that might give you some hope. I went thru the same thing after a nine year marriage and 2 kids. I thought Life would be forever over. Fast forward the last 17 years. I married a few years later and have a great husband. We have two more children and this man would not leave me if I begged him. He is faithful to the end. He is now seeing ME thru recovery from addiction to opiates. He told me something years ago that might help you. He said "Mel, I use to cry at night over my first relationship and pray and pray that God would get us back together. But like that country song, Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers by Garth Brooks, he said I would of never of found you and had our sons and I am so thankful that God didn't answer that prayer." Now it's 17 years into our marriage and I am so thankful to have him. This was a guy I had known for years who had crossed my path so many times even before my first marriage. I know now THIS is what God wanted for me all along. God doesnt want us to suffer in marriage. Granted there are rough times and yha gotta work through them, but not what your living hon. Try to love yourself first. Later, someone will see that and love that quality in you and love you for who YOU are. God bless yha hon. It WILL get better. Keep your eyes on the one that will pull you through. God. Peace. Melindap

HolyQow

What?!! We are not chopped liver ya know!

Are you sick of people saying "it's for the best" "it will get better" ?

Even if you know that's true, I don't think I would find any comfort in it (yet). When my first marriage ended, I felt like a failure. A huge disappointment for my family and my children. I didn't even want to tell anyone, even though I was the one that asked for the divorce. ExH waited six months after I asked him, to move out. Then it looked like "he left me" on his terms. The nerve! I think it was the lack of control over the situation that had me doubting myself. When the kids went away for their first weekend visit at their Dad's, I stayed in bed the entire weekend. I don't think I cried at all, it was such a relief that he was gone, but I found I didn't have to do anything for ANYONE but me. And I didn't even feel like doing that. Frankly, I don't think I knew WHAT to do. Take care of myself? What fun is that? So after that one weekend, I did no more mopeing, and started to live again. I went out with the girls from work, because I didn't have many other friends left that weren't married. Then I met husband #2...well, remet him, because we went to high school together many many years before that. And we have a son together. As Mel just said in previous post, I wouldn't have him, if it were not for unanswered prayers.

So, I'll give you two more days of crying, and then I expect you to pick yourself up and "snap" out of it! I think you are just feeling overwhelmed right now, with the finances, a huge burden, but I know you can tackle that when you are ready. Feel free to send me private messages, yelling, ranting, screaming, anything you want, if it helps.

blizzard77

This is really the only place I have to go right now for support other than alanon and my counselor. So, thank you all for listening. I've never lived my own life before. I don't even know how to go about it. I always felt worthless if I wasn't taking care of someone else which then led to anger and resentment. I HAVE to stop projecting into the future and just work on me. I have to start believing I'm worth it. I was no good to him when he got sober because I held onto the resentment and anger. Right now we are better off apart. I have to reject this fear I feel inside and that's hard for me to do. I'll try!!

steve11694

May I suggest going to AA meetings? I get much insight from this despite not being an alcoholic, although some recovering a's accuse me of being an alcoholic in denial, which I deny!!


Our hearts go out to you.