Smiley58

I am married to a man that drinks constantly. I asked him yesterday why he is drinking like this and he told me that I make him drink. I am fed up with it and am at the point where I am considering dumping him and filing for a divorce, but I am afraid that my family and his will acuse me of walking out on him when he is down. You know making me look like the dog, etc. My husband does not physically abuse me, but he is mentally abusive when he is drunk. A few months ago we went to our daughters house to visit and of course he had to get drunker then crap and start yelling and carrying on. I mean darn. I tried to talk him down to calm him down and there was no way that was happening. I got mad and took him home. I told him that I will not take him with me to our daughters house again. Am I wrong. I am very fed up here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated big time.

Kathleen

mallowcup

Your daughter doesn't need a ranting drunk at her house. If anyone thinks you are being unreasonable, they can take him in. You can explain this to your family just as you did here. I have no problem understanding it. It isn't your fault that he is down and out. This is what happens to someone who drinks constantly. You can not go through life ecxplaining yourself to people. You are an adult woman. What are you going to do, stay with him to make others happy? You may be suprised to find that some relatives will shake your hand. Most alcohoilcs are tolerated not beloved. Do you tie him up and our alcohol down his throat? What a crock!

Smiley58

I hear what you are saying and no I do not pour the alcohol down him. I also do not take him anywhere with me. I told him that when he decides that he does not want to drink then he is more then welcome to go places with me.

You see I am dealing with a severe medical illness called Lupus and I lost my job due to this lovely illness. I am trying to get disability. I think that I am taking out my frustrations on him, I guess, because he is a convenient scapegoat. I don't know. When he is drinking, I totally ignore him and stay away from him. I don't make any excuses for him what-so-ever.

He is 58 years old and I am afraid that he may have Cirrhosis of the Liver. He lies to the doctor big time and thinks that the doctor believes him. I went to the doctor with him and he got pissed with me, because the doctor asked him if he is a drinker and he said no. I said excuse me but he drinks constantly. My husband got pissed with me big time and told me that I am not allowed to go to the doctor with him ever again. Was I wrong to do that? Now the doctor wants to do a liver biopsy on him. He won't have it done. I am just confused and scared that he is going to kill himself with the alcohol and I don't know how to get him to quit drinking. I do not want to take care of a man that will end up having a stroke and things like that. I am just so worried big time. Am I wrong to be worried? I just don't know what to do to get him to stop drinking before he kills himself.

mallowcup

Since we are all made up of the same stuff, you can only abuse yourself for so long before there are consequences. The doctor wan't really asking about the drinking, he was making a statement. The doc knows he drinks, he was just opening the door to that topic. The fact that your husband drinks is obvious to the doc, he was probably just seeing if your husband was receptive to a conversation about it. I'm sorry about the Lupus. Why not discuss the stress factor of living with an alcolhic in denial with your doc?

reader

No, You are not wrong to be worried about him, he is ur husband. Right now, I would suggest to put the focus on u. You have health problems and the stress alone can aggravate ur Lupus. At nursing school I learned there is a big connection between mind and body. His issuses are just that his. You didn't cause it, u can't control it, u can't cure it. Alcoholics like to play mind games on us to justify their behavior. It is wonderful that u can see ur role in this cycle. Your angry is understandable and u at least can see that sometimes u take things out on him. Families of alcoholics often have this dynamic. Do things for you, the don't even have to cost much. A bubble bath, maybe ur daughter could do your nails. I don't know how bad your Lupus has progressed but make ur self the focus of your life. I would just continue to leave ur H at home and when u are ready u can make a choice to go out of the marriage. Part of al-anon is also learning to deal with them if we chose to stay. I do thing mental abuse is a deal breaker though, it wears u down mental and can effect our health. Take Care, kerry

Smiley58

Hi all. I have discussed this with my doctor that I see for the Lupus and he told me to kick him to the curve. I have been with this man for nearly 24 years. I hate to think that that would have to happen. I would like to get him to quit drinking. I know that I can not force him to quit. Like lastnight he chose to sit and get drunk in his stupid recliner. I ignored him all evening. It is just sad that he is like this. Like I said his father did the same thing. He talks about how he hated the way his father drank and acted, but shoot he is doing the same thing. Is this inherrited or what? I am beginning to think that it has to be. He has brothers that drink terribly too. The kids make fun of him when they are around him and he does not see this. They let him get drunk at their homes and then laugh at him. I don't know what to do other then to not go there with him and force him to go by himself and then he won't drink, because he is afraid of getting another DUI. I guess I just have to go there by myself and let him go by himself. Or have the kids come here. That way when he gets drunk he can stagger into his bedroom and to bed. A real dilemma here.

I am wondering if I got a camrecorder and taped the way that he acts when he is drunk if that would make him see the light and then maybe he would quit drinking? What do you think?:arg:

Grasshopper

If you think that getting a camrecorder and taping him will make a difference,then by all means do it.
All i know is my personal experience,here,that i will share.And that is-
i tried everything, for 20 years trying to make another see the light.Tried everything i could think of,to get another sober.In the end all i did was waste my very life,on trying to get another to do what i thought was best for them.Pushing my own will,onto someone who did not want nor had any desires at that time,to get help.I drove myself crazy,with worrying,wondering whats going to happen to my loved one.All was for not.For my loved one sought help when he wanted to.When he,had that innner desire,to get well.
While driving myself crazy,i went to recovery programs.For me,that is both AA and Al-anon.Heres where i learned a new way to live.To let go,and let God,work into another,while working on my own recovery.Working on my own recovery IS,whats made the difference in my life.I was sober,by God,s Grace,for 10 years before hub came to recovery.By that time,it was no longer a burning desire of mine,whether he got well or not.I left this decision to him,only.For my own life did not depend upon him,but God.I was glad,happy for him,but my own life was no longer dependant,upon him,getting recovery.We were together then as we are today.And yet when he was drinking and im in recovery,i was able to be peaceful,and to really let go and let God.This is one of the promises of AA,and i found it to be true in Al-anon too.To have peace within the storms of another.
My experience here does not mean that this will be your experience also.
To thine own self be true.
My prayers for you both.

parentrecovers

I remember asking my a husband once why he drank all the time. He told me, "I always knew I would meet someone like you."

WHAT!?!?!!?!?!?

It's the disease talking. That's all it is. Not our fault. Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

K

IrshIzNotSmilin

Hi Smiley I like your handle LOL... I think that if you still love him that you would be worried. I love my husband if he is not well I worry. I also know why he is not well. I do not say anything because I can't control it. He is a biology major let him figure it out. He knows. He just won't ever admit it. I am moving toward this we are unable to control their behavior. What has been said on this board is correct. Say it like it is. He drinks. period. That is it. We can choose how we will handle ourselves and they need to choose how they will handle themselves. I think that is all we can do. Kind of what was said on a thread I posted leave it to the higher power, why stress yourself out. It is a killer stress why should their drinking kill us.

mallowcup

I don't think there isn't a person here who hasn't thought, "I should be videotaping, if he/she ever saw how he/she looks and acts, they'd never show their face in public again!" Most of us haven't followed up on it because we know it wouldn't matter. They'd just be mad about being taped. I'm glad your doctor was straight forward with you. I think you should base your actions on a foundation of facts. You can not control his drinking, the more you try, the more stressed you will become. Can you start with that fact and make some decisions? He is going to drink until he decides not to or his health deteriorates tothe point he can't crawl to a bottle. I hate to be so blunt. He sounds like he has absolutely no intention of quitting. Have you ever asked him if he ever plans to quit? I'm sure that question would be met with a caustic remark about you. He drinks because you stay and I bet if you leave, he'll drink because you left. I hope you find truth, health and clarity.

nocellphone

One of the ironies of living in close proximity to the disease of alcoholism is that they're the ones who are drinking and we're the ones who are suffering (and, too often, dying) from it, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Al-Anon is an indispensable resource for those affected by other people's drinking/alcoholism (at least it has been for me). If your lupus isn't so bad that you can get out and sit in a meeting for an hour now and then, you might find support and solutions you can use.

As for videotaping him "in the act", it's an interesting idea but not one that I think would have any positive results in getting him to stop drinking, just as showing a diabetic a video of himself in the act of eating a half-dozen donuts prob'ly wouldn't help very much...

prodigal

... well why not try reverse psychology and say this: "Since I have the power to make you drink, then I must also have the power to make you stop drinking. I now command you to stop drinking."

Throw his ridiculously illogical rationale for drinking back at him. Guess what you'll get? Someone who keeps on drinking. We've all tried to get them to stop drinking. Get mad, scream, beg, bargain, plead, threaten, walk out, leave, come back, yell some more. You're not well. Getting wrapped up in trying to get him to stop drinking is not doing anything positive for your health. Whether you stay with an active alcoholic for two years or two-hundred years, if they don't want to stop drinking they won't. Period.

Janitw

Hi Smiley58...(((((((hugs))))))))))))
The others have given very sound advice and we all have similar experiences..as to you Lupus - shortly after my XAH left the kids and I ...I came down with shingles...so there is something to the theory of mind and body...stress can cause alot of medical problems...you would be amazed. I was married for 22 years and he admitted that he was an alcoholic but blamed the kids and I for all his problems and finally he left us for a female meth/alcoholic from the bar and married her a month after the final hearing. I still cry honey and alot of us do....what these people do to their families is nothing short of shameful. All I can do is hope one day he has regrets and feels some of what he has delivered to us. Hang tight and stay the course hun as all the others have said: Let go and Let God.. Take care.

Janit

Smiley58

I think that all of the answers are right. I can not stop him from drinking and when I have asked him why he drinks like this he gets pissed off and tells me that he earns the right to drink if he wants to. This really made me mad. I told him that that was just fine then and that from now on I am going to come and go as I pleased and if he is here that is ok or if he is not here that is ok too. I told him that I do not need him to be with me to go anywhere, because he is not with me anyway, he has his best buddy that he earns the right to be with. He got mad and I don't care. I am just as alone with him as I am without him. I also told him that when he starts to crap himself or wet himself that I will immediately kick him to the curb! I will not be like his mother and put with that crap at all, I mean no way in hell. Oh and he does not want me to divorce him, because he is worried about me getting half of his military retirement, because I was with him through most of his military career and he knows that I would get that if we divorce. He is being very quiet lol. What is awful is that he tells me that he loves me, but it is clearly odvious that he loves the bottle more. I am just disgusted and decided that from now on when I want to go someplace I am going to go and he is not going with me. Oh well. Maybe he will see the light, if not well then he will just be lonely and alone even if he is in the same house. I hope that I don't offend anyone, but I am not going to worry about his drinking anymore and I am going to enjoy myself by visiting friends and family without him and his alcohol.

He gets mad and actually acts jealous of me having Lupus. That I don't understand at all. He saw an add on television for medication for PAD and said that that is what is wrong with him and he was going to see about what the medication was that they were talking about. I did not mean to but I laughed at him and he got pissed and said, "Well, you have an illness, so why can't I?" I mean dang. I did not ask for Lupus and believe me if I could get rid of this disease I would. I just don't know what to think. I told him that he does not have PAD and to forget about it. How would you respond to that? Oh well.

nocellphone

There's nothing ofensive about you taking care of yourself... If you need online support, we're here. If you need real-life, face-to-face support, Al-Anon is there.

I wish you peace...

queenteree

((Smiley))
I too live with a man who is constantly drunk, am just as lonely with him as without him, he has a room upstairs that I send him to so I don't have to deal with his drunkeness. Most times, he listens and goes up there, other times he refuses, hence my dilemma, how to leave for a while without dealing with him afterwards. But you know, like you, it has just clicked in to me that even though I knew I didn't cause it, couldn't control and can't cure it, I wanted to try to save him, save him from killing himself, save him from a DWI, save him from losing his job. I can't save him and will no longer try to. I can barely tolerate him. I can save me though. I am a good person who doesn't deserve this in my life, and from now on I am making goals for what I feel I need and deserve. We can get through this, it has been done, as you see on this forum. We didn't get this way in a day, and we can't change in a day. But now that we're ready to help ourselves instead of trying to save them, each day can only get better, we just have to be strong. We may have slight set backs but in the end our peace of mind will be worth it. I wish you luck and keep posting.