Sometimes the right decisions are the most painful.

Old 10-31-2006, 03:56 PM
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Sometimes the right decisions are the most painful.

I think I may have read that here or in one of my books but it's so true for me. I had to speak to AH today to find out info on the car I am trying to sell plus they won't take him off my car insurance without his signature notarized. He said he'd sign what he needed to just send it to him. Sounded as if life was normal for him. When I asked how Buffalo was he said "Cold and glommy". He never wanted back there when here it was me who had a hard time adjusting. He's gone from living at the ritz to living in "squallor" as he once put it and yet he sounds so good. I even said " you sound good". He said don't act like their weren't problems in our marriage, I'm just doing what I have to do. Yeah, run like you always do. I really do know it's for the best but here I am crying, missing the good times, seeing his car in my driveway and for a split second thinking I'll see him once inside.
Lately, when he was here he REALLY wasn't. I paid all the bills, bought all the food and he was either at work or watching sports on my big screen TV. It's like I want him to miss me more. I want to hear that his life sucks. He didn't even seem phased that his car is going to be in the process of being sold. He had it so good here and for some reason I want to know just how bad it is living where he is living.
After todays conversation I decided not to call him or speak to him again. If he don't sign the necessary papers to get off my insurance I'll have to just file for a legal separation (something I was trying to avoid, because of finances). Once he's gone a year I can file for divorce, but it has to be a year here in NC. I want to know that he's more miserable and hurting the same if not more than I am. Why is that???
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Old 10-31-2006, 04:08 PM
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Hang in there.
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Old 10-31-2006, 04:18 PM
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Blizz, he may "sound" good and he may feel like garbage. Men, as a rule, are better at having a "stiff upper lip" than women. Not always, but they can usually suck it up and pull it off pretty well.

He wasn't even there with you when he was in the same house. You have lost a comforting presence, but the man you love left you a long time ago. I've been through this before and I'm about to go through it again. We all hurt the same, more or less, but we all have our own timeline for recovering. I don't know how many Al-anon meetings there are in your area, but when I finally walk out of here I'll be practically living in meetings just to keep my wits about me.

Listen, I'm on Pacific Time, so if it's 1 a.m. back East, it's only 10 p.m. here. PM me if you want my phone number so we can talk. I'll lend an ear if that will help.
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Old 10-31-2006, 04:50 PM
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the girl can't help it
 
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((((blizzard))))

I suppose you have conditioned yourself into thinking if he is miserable that somehow it will make you feel better. I don't really see how anything he is could make you feel. The feelings you are feeling are inside of you and although it may seem that he is making you feel he is not you are making yourself feel what you feel. I wonder if you really properly grieved over the loss of your first H before getting involved with this guy?

I have been divorced twice and it was very painful both times and for me in someways it seemed worse than them dying because they went on living without me. But then oneday I came to realize how much of my precious energy and life I was wasting resenting their being able to move on with out me. It was like a light finially turned on in my head and I could see how my attitude was making my life crap not them it was me all me.

Life is inside of you and all around you. I guess it will take you sometime to grieve this loss and I hope you do grieve well so you can move forward and not simply be trying to replace what you have lost with another person place or thing.

You could be "stuck" in some phase of your grief with each one of your losses. There are stages to grief I would like to suggest an exercise for you:

Know the phases of grief which are as follows:

1.Denial
2.Anger
3.Bargining
4.depression
5.acceptance

Think about your losses and ask yourself about each phase of grief and try to determine where you are in grieving each of your losses.

Now I could be wrong but from what I have read of your situation it seems like you have gone straight into the anger phase of grieving your present H's departure. Perhaps you have already gone thru the "denial" phase of this loss before you started posting about it. Maybe first off you told yourself if he does one more thing he's gone and then you started denying it but, when he told you he lost his job boom you were jumping into the anger phase.

I hate typing and I am tired if you want me to continue with this I will but, I am going to wait for a response from you before I type more...
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Old 10-31-2006, 06:13 PM
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Blizzard, he'd never want you to think he was miserable....would he? Like was said, Men often can keep the stiff upper lip for sure. You'll feel bad, but soon you'll allow those thoughts of the bad times to enter and take the place of the feelings of loss you are having now. We are an impatient species, and want to feel better right now, but we must go thru the tough to heal and sort out the "stuff"...
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