IrshIzNotSmilin

I have been feeling ok lately more at peace. I feel like I am on the verge of what counselors call detaching with love.I feel that I am really beginning to understand that my AH can't change and as much as I say "just moderate" it all falls on hearing impaired ears. It will moderate for a while and I know it won't for the long run. Soooooooo, that brings me to this. Right now I am having a hard time finding an al-anon meeting to go to in my area because of time contraints. I wish there were meetings at 3 or 4 and not 8. I can do that but I do not right now want AH to know I am going. I know that I am going to go for me, I finally got that, but I want to maintain keeping the "secret" ,if you will, because I feel it is for me. I do not want him to think I am going for or about him and he will. My point is this, any thoughts on how to maintain the serenity, the calmness, in the face of knowing they will drink that on any given day I do not know what will happen. How do I let go of this anxiety without taking an anti-anxiety? I want to feel anxiety free without masking. I want to be at peace. Within that peaceful space I will know the right path. Any suggestions, comments, etc??? Thanks I hope I am making sense?

parentrecovers

You don't want your A to know you're in Alanon? K

sarah4770

Well, I know what you mean when you say that living with an A causes uncertainty!
Well, I have done internet meetings, and they help. In my area there is a joint AA/Al-anon metting, I have attended that, any way hubby would be interested in a meeting like that?
I used to, and still sometimes have a problem with anxiety. When I feel like that I try to take it one day at a time. Also, A great tool I have learned is to turn it over to my higher power. When I feel like I can't handle it, I try to remember that someone a lot smarter than me is in control.
Also I talk it out with someone who understands.
Another thing that helps me, is this., I like to cook. Something about it relaxes me and I loose all sense of time. You know, it gets me out of my head. Is there some hobby of yours that absorbs your attention.
I am off of work today and spending most of my time in the kitchen, because from my post yesterday, you can see I was feeling pretty anxious. LOL. Hope this helps a little.

denny57

Most people I've met in Al-Anon did not tell at first. Not all, but most. I did not. When I did tell AH, he cut me off and filed for divorce. When I've told that story to people I've met at open AA meetings, the responses have been the same: Wow, that's a lot of fear.

Do what works best for you - I hope you can work something out. Take care.

IrshIzNotSmilin

I really appreciate what you said sarah and denny. I think denny that it is a personal place to be and my AH would not get mad or angry and I am not afraid. He would just look upon it as my weakness and I do not wish to have to justify myself at this time it is worthless. He will never go to a meeting and makes outward comments about how these groups all AA NA etc are about people who believe in mind control of others he believes it is the Pardon not my quote the evangelical right trying to control us. unquote. I just laugh to myself what can I do as you said sarah it is up to the higher power. I do appreciate what you have said. I do need to find a place to maintain the peace I need but in the long run as much as I love him it may mean leaving and I realize that.

parentrecovers

i guess it never occured to me not to tell my a i was in alanon, but after reading this, i can why some folks don't. oh my, some of those alcoholics out there sure are controlling - tee hee!

GettingBy

I was in the same place in the very beginning Irish! I tried to find meetings that were at times when my husband would be busy (or better yet, at the bar so he wouldn't notice I wasn't home!). I also found some on-line groups that have meetings via chat rooms or email. http://www.keytoharmony.org/ is a wonderful group... and the best part is that the meeting comes to you (via your inbox!) so you can read/participate when it's best for you!

One step at a time...

Thoughts are with you Irish!
Shannon

snuffy2face

Hi I'm not sure if this is where to start a new post but I will. My first time, and I feel my confidence is controlled by my H remarks to me. Remarks that hurt and I hold them inside. I don't react, when I should. He's all sorry when he's having a few but owly when he's soberting up the next afternoon. It's like I'm a yo-yo with my emotions. Give me some tips how to help myself with his mood swings. I don't know if any of this makes sense. Bare with me
snuffy

denny57

Hi snuffy2face, welcome to SR!

If you go back to the main page of this (Friends and Family) forum, up on the left is a button "New Thread" if you click that and re-post, you'll get more replies. Don't want you to get lost in here!

I was a yo-yo, too. Two of the many things that have worked for me are Al-Anon and therapy. Have you considered either?

Keep posting - look forward to getting to know you

mallowcup

I think when people try to detach they sometimes fill up their lives by masking. They get busy doing "stuff". Do you have any true interests that you'd like to invest your self in? I have many interests. Why not pour yourself into something you are passionate about? I don't want to do a bunch of stuff just to be doing something. I still have a long list of things I want to do. The local vo tech has adult classes in basket weaving, learning to do leaded glass, like stained glass windows, I also want to take a cake decorating class. These can also become money makers. Wedding cakes cost a fortune. I have a part of my house devoted to a work area. I have a coffee pot right there with a tv and radio. I'm in the house but I'm a million miles away. I still want to take violin lessons too. Why not? How about a foreign language? Breeding dogs? Do you sew? I think if you get into something you are interested in, you meet new people. I started working 3-11pm, I miss out on the whole lonely dinner hour and the "I just stopped off after work". I get the house to myself during the day. This my home. People have said "leave him". Well, leaving him is one thing, leaving MY home is another. My husband can drink or not, I don't care. I don't think it's a bad thing to be an individual.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Hi Everyone, shannon thanks for the key to harmony site and I think I am going to start right there. Sounds good. Mallowcup, hi, I work and that does help. I guess I think sometimes about leaving because I really have nothing holding me in the sense of "my home" I totally understand how you put it "this is my home". I totally agree with that except this house I live in is not my home. The marriage is new 2005 and when I got married it is long and complicated he has his business in the home and it is such a business that he is truly unable to leave the house. So we could not get or have our own place together. Sooooooooooo, he never made any accomodations for this to be my home too, and his will (I found) is in his children's names (all 5) so being even that they are out of the house he is still just having his holdings for them. He got some life insurance for me when we married but I do not view it as my home ( this is on top of the drinking issues) but yes to answer what you suggested I am contemplating going back to my art and violin I do play and getting busy. Yet, I do know that I may need to make a move. Thanks.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Welcome snuffy and do post your own thread starting with what you wrote here and I know you will get help and good support.