Overandover

I haven't posted in a long time but I need some advice from someone that's been their. My AD has been a drug addict for at least 20 years, but when she was in a relationship it was bad, but not as bad as it has been since she broke up with her last boyfriend, which she was with for at least 7 years. He finally couldn't deal with her addiction anymore and he asked her to leave. Her addiction at that time was prescription drugs. She has not kept in contact with me for the last 2 years, I would only hear from her once in awhile then nothing for a long period of time. Well she just recently got picked up for not showing up for probation, which I didn't even know she was on. I've found out that she was prostituting, that is why she was on probation. Also another charge for using drugs. I bonded her out of jail, one $350.00 bond and I payed a bond person $125.00 fee for her $500.00 bond. Well to make a long story short, she didn't show up for her court date and I lost the $350.00 bond, so they picked her up and she is in jail now. Now she is begging me to get her out again, and I have told her I wouldn't get her out this time and I am trying to be strong, but it is so hard. I don't know if I am doing the right thing by letting her stay. She has been in jail for 5 days now and would have to be their another 9 days before her hearing. I know this is killing her and she is making alot of promises, but I don't know if I can believe her now after everything she has put me through. She already has two felony charges against her, she has been in and out of trouble so many times, I think she may get some real jail time this time. She did get 30 days in jail once, but got out everyday on work release and only had to spend the weekends, and 90 days on a tether, but that didn't stop her from using. She is now addicted to crack, I want to help her but I don't really know if she really wants help or she is just saying she does so I will get her out.
Has anyone been in this situation and if so, what do I do?????
I forgot to mention she is calling me about every two hours collect, but my phone system will not allow collect calls, so if I want to talk to her I have to do this pre pay thing that costs a fortune. She knows this but she still calls about every two hours. This is driving me crazy.........

mallowcup

That is really tough, but....it isn't just the money you lost, you can't be sure she won't run or do something in the meantime that will get into even worse trouble. She knew you layed out $350. She decided, she made up your mind for you. She determined that you can't take her word or trust her with your money. I would get her out under one conditon. ONE CONDITION! She would check herself into a one year rehab with no out. She is to have no contact for that year. That's the help.

cmc

Hi,
The first time my son was in jail was over 4 years ago, I was very new to all of this. I was seeing a counselor at the time and after letting my son sit in jail for a month..the counselor decided that was enough time to allow him to face his consequences. Meanwhile I came in contact with another person who was more experienced with addictions... the very day I had just bailed out my son... I had paid the money but the processing was not done, I was told by this new person to NOT bail him out. I turned around in my car.. and went straight to jail to undo the bond. My son was just at the door almost ready to leave... I lost my money but my son was 'remanded' into the care of a halfway house where he ended up staying for quite some time over the next few years.
My letting him out would have just put him right back into his world of using. I have never regretted what I did... the best $500 I ever lost!
Where is my son now? Back in jail.... this time of his own choice, but in a good way. He chose to stay and do extra time as an alternative to facing more serious charges. He is now safe, off the streets- his use progressed even after being in recovery all those years. He was facing some serious charges and had lost his car and most everything he owned. Before this last arrest I was in fear for his life.
If I had let him out the first time and most assuredly this past second time... it is doubtful he would be alive.
Now... re the phone calls. She is trying to get out.. she wants to go back to doing things her way which so far has not been working well. She is desperate and is probably having some terrible withdrawals.
If you help her, and she uses again and/or gets into more, worse trouble...How will you feel?
I like the idea of her being placed somewhere where she can get help...but it must be done in a way that she can't 'wiggle' out of. As my son was put into 'custody' of the center he stayed at.. I was not involved. They picked him up, and processed him. He had a PO and monthly (or more if needed) drug testing. The consequence of leaving the center was more jail time.
I know how heartbreaking this is.. I used to get calls from my son begging me to get him out. She may truly be frightened and/or be trying to do whatever it takes for you to bond her out.
Maybe you can disconnect your phone? Or put a block on that number? You need to take care of yourself.
Do you attend Alanon or Naranon meetings? I recommend it... as well as going to some open NA and AA meetings. The more you learn about this.. and hear others' stories, the easier it will be for you to make up your mind on what you need to do. It will also give you the strength and courage to do what you need to do for yourself.
Of course, we are always here for you and you never need to feel all alone in this..
cmc

Overandover

Thanks for your advice.
It is going on day 6 for her and I know I will get several calls from her today. I do take my phone off the hook or just let the answering machine get it but I still know it's her and it kills me. I talked to her most recent boyfriend who she was living with, and I found out he is an addict to and he is putting himself in rehab Friday for a year. If I get my daughter out there is no place for her to go now, but to come stay with me and my husband or her dad. I talked to her dad last night and we had a big fight as usual, he has not been very supportive of her, he basically doesn't want to help her he says until she reaches bottom and really wants help, and he says he would know when she was serious, but I don't know how is going to know this when he doesn't see her or try to keep in touch with her.
My husband trys to support my decisions, but he doesn't think it is a good idea for her to stay with us. I am trying to find a rehab for her to go, she said she would go, but there is only one that I know of that will take someone that doesn't have insurance, then there is a waiting list to get in, and they only let you stay I think 21 days is the longest, and I know she needs someplace that she can stay longer then that. Does anyone know how I can find a place that will help, it just seems like there is no place for an addict to get help even if they want it. Her boyfriend is going into a mission and I will call them today to see if they have a program for women, I think they only offer programs for men, it seems like all the programs are for men.
Any help or advice would be appreciated.