Hello out there!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 2
Hello out there!
Hello-My name is Melissa and I am an adult child who has been in recovery for 2 months...I have been attending Al-Anon, and ACOA meetings regularly, and am hoping to find help and support online as well.
My Story...
My mother is an incest survivor who started abusing pain meds while married to my father when I was two. She abandoned our family when I was three. She found recovery and came out that she was a lesbian when I was five, but still lived 500 miles away from me and my older sister. She was in therapy and AA for 10 years and was truely a respectable and amazing woman...I chose to move in with her for the first time when I was 15 years old. One month later she relapsed. At first, she said that she had fibromyalga and her incoherence was attributed to her "fibro-fog" which she said was a symptom of her disease. She got on disability and it went down from there. She used/uses adderall, oxycotin, and benzos and I'm not sure what else. She even got doctors to install a morphine drip in her lower back for a time to ease her pain. I took refuge in my "pot head" boyfriend who I was addicted to. My mom let him move in with me at 16 years old and we danced a "coaddict/addict" dance for four years. It has been ten years since my mother's relapse, and things have gotten so bad, fearing for her life and her potential homelessness, that I had to stop trying to "save" her and let go of her for my own sanity. My biggest charactor defect from growing up with this dynamic is my perfectionism and judging myself without mercy. The only good thing that I can see right now, is that at least my drive to be perfect has led me to get a college degree (of course in psychology) and be responsible (even though its inflated)...Anyways, for the first time in my life I have hope that I can change, and am starting to believe that I am not inherently flawed and alone in this world...I hope to hear other's experience, strengh, and hope....Thanks for listening...
My Story...
My mother is an incest survivor who started abusing pain meds while married to my father when I was two. She abandoned our family when I was three. She found recovery and came out that she was a lesbian when I was five, but still lived 500 miles away from me and my older sister. She was in therapy and AA for 10 years and was truely a respectable and amazing woman...I chose to move in with her for the first time when I was 15 years old. One month later she relapsed. At first, she said that she had fibromyalga and her incoherence was attributed to her "fibro-fog" which she said was a symptom of her disease. She got on disability and it went down from there. She used/uses adderall, oxycotin, and benzos and I'm not sure what else. She even got doctors to install a morphine drip in her lower back for a time to ease her pain. I took refuge in my "pot head" boyfriend who I was addicted to. My mom let him move in with me at 16 years old and we danced a "coaddict/addict" dance for four years. It has been ten years since my mother's relapse, and things have gotten so bad, fearing for her life and her potential homelessness, that I had to stop trying to "save" her and let go of her for my own sanity. My biggest charactor defect from growing up with this dynamic is my perfectionism and judging myself without mercy. The only good thing that I can see right now, is that at least my drive to be perfect has led me to get a college degree (of course in psychology) and be responsible (even though its inflated)...Anyways, for the first time in my life I have hope that I can change, and am starting to believe that I am not inherently flawed and alone in this world...I hope to hear other's experience, strengh, and hope....Thanks for listening...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
You are definitely not alone. Nor are you flawed. You developed coping mechanisms that were necessary for the situation you were in, and those don't work so well in the 'real world' (whatever that is).
First off, good for you for taking action towards escaping the cycle! You are fully capable of changing your life and your interactions with others. It won't happen overnight, but it can happen.
Both of my parents are alcoholics. Our relationship has deteriorated over time as my father's drinking has worsened. My mother was physically abusive to me as a child, so my relationship with her has never been particularly good. She was also prone to fits of unremembered rage. Chaos pretty well sums up my childhood.
I think I followed the stereotypical codie arc up until my late 20s, when I decided that I couldn't rescue the world, and I needed to rescue myself. A lot of therapy, a lot of soul searching, and constant vigilance about my actions and reactions has helped me come a long way, although I don't think I"ll ever be fully rid of those pulls, the guilts, the 'shoulds' and the over-responsibility thing. But I can change my behavior, and hopefully with time, the changed behavior will help quiet some of those voices.
I gave 2 years notice at work this summer. I've been there 15 years. I am going to go out and try new things - things I WANT to do, not things I'm supposed to do or things that leave me seeking approval from others. I'm going to do things even if I stink at it. I'm going to do things *gasp* for ME.
It can be done. Keep up your good work, you've already done the hardest part - giving up the old familiar ways and being willing to try a different, perhaps less familiar but maybe more rewarding, way of leading your life.
First off, good for you for taking action towards escaping the cycle! You are fully capable of changing your life and your interactions with others. It won't happen overnight, but it can happen.
Both of my parents are alcoholics. Our relationship has deteriorated over time as my father's drinking has worsened. My mother was physically abusive to me as a child, so my relationship with her has never been particularly good. She was also prone to fits of unremembered rage. Chaos pretty well sums up my childhood.
I think I followed the stereotypical codie arc up until my late 20s, when I decided that I couldn't rescue the world, and I needed to rescue myself. A lot of therapy, a lot of soul searching, and constant vigilance about my actions and reactions has helped me come a long way, although I don't think I"ll ever be fully rid of those pulls, the guilts, the 'shoulds' and the over-responsibility thing. But I can change my behavior, and hopefully with time, the changed behavior will help quiet some of those voices.
I gave 2 years notice at work this summer. I've been there 15 years. I am going to go out and try new things - things I WANT to do, not things I'm supposed to do or things that leave me seeking approval from others. I'm going to do things even if I stink at it. I'm going to do things *gasp* for ME.
It can be done. Keep up your good work, you've already done the hardest part - giving up the old familiar ways and being willing to try a different, perhaps less familiar but maybe more rewarding, way of leading your life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Second star to the right....
Posts: 845
welcome to recovery, i hope you keep coming back and find the love and support you need and deserve as a human being who has grown up with addiction. much love. i am saying yes to life!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Hi Melissa,
It sounds like you have a great attitude. I also have the charactersitics of trying to be perfect and judging myself terribly harshly. Recognizing those things is a big first step and trying to make the changes in your life that will need to implement them is also hard. I hope you keep posting.
It sounds like you have a great attitude. I also have the charactersitics of trying to be perfect and judging myself terribly harshly. Recognizing those things is a big first step and trying to make the changes in your life that will need to implement them is also hard. I hope you keep posting.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
So glad you have found this site and all the great folks here who can share their ESH. Meetings help me a lot, as does SR. Letting go of the need to control everythig has certainly lowered my stress level. I'm really glad you are here and have decided you are worth it! Welcome!
fairyprincess
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South Jordan, UT
Posts: 25
Gaining knowlege is powerful, doing something with it takes great courage. I applaude your stength. Everyone works to find balance in their life, moderation is key. It's a daily workout, but so worth it. You are worth it and you are not flawed. Everyone has stuff to work out, it just means none of us are perfect, but that's the idea isn't it???? If we were perfect then why would we need to be here going through all of the various stuff we do?? Life is a journey, it's your job to decide what kind!!! best wishes to you....you go girl!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Wow, I didn't know I was so deep, Over responsible: Oh yah, thats me, always the problem fixer, the lean on gal, the child my mom calls when she needs something.
Enabler? I was that too....big time, when I hit my bottom with my AH I was the one left holding a gun to my head in a last ditch effort to "fix things"
I was always never good enough, not worthy enough, always the root cause of problems and even when things are good, I'm trying to find the tarnished side of the coin. I obsess about my children turning out ok, after all how can they with me as a mother?
Self destructive, obsessive compulsive, prone to fall off into huge fiery pits of fire all the time.
I'm damn lucky to still be here and trying to navigate the recovery road.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic
I am the wife of an recovering alcoholic/addict
I am the sister of a alcoholic/addict
I am me, and sometimes I don't know who that is.
I sound completely crazy and I probebly am to a degree.
I am learning how to love myself, toughest thing I have ever done. But I am getting there.
Never give up hope. I tell myself that everyday.
Many hugs,
Teggie
Enabler? I was that too....big time, when I hit my bottom with my AH I was the one left holding a gun to my head in a last ditch effort to "fix things"
I was always never good enough, not worthy enough, always the root cause of problems and even when things are good, I'm trying to find the tarnished side of the coin. I obsess about my children turning out ok, after all how can they with me as a mother?
Self destructive, obsessive compulsive, prone to fall off into huge fiery pits of fire all the time.
I'm damn lucky to still be here and trying to navigate the recovery road.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic
I am the wife of an recovering alcoholic/addict
I am the sister of a alcoholic/addict
I am me, and sometimes I don't know who that is.
I sound completely crazy and I probebly am to a degree.
I am learning how to love myself, toughest thing I have ever done. But I am getting there.
Never give up hope. I tell myself that everyday.
Many hugs,
Teggie
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