Azenara

Hi, I'm new to SR, and I've been clean almost seven months from years of shooting meth. This has been without any doubt the most difficult thing I have ever gone through, although I don't regret a single pain-filled minute of it. I went from being a highly successful suburban supermom, Girl Scout leader, PTA officer, etc. to a penniless, homeless drug addict who had lost her job, home, husband, money - and worst of all, her kids. I cannot even think yet about the wreakage I've left in my wake. I cannot even think about all the things I've done in the last ten years that were unspeakable, humiliating and degrading - just in the name of getting my drug. The only thing I have accomplished so far is getting out of the horrible world I was living in, find a loving support group at a church in my new city, and one day at a time saying no.

I never dreamed that starting over would be so difficult. Even things like getting a drivers license, checking account, job, medical assistance (I'm also bipolar) have turned out to be almost impossible. And one other thing that terrifies me is that some of the effects of the drug use don't seem to be wearing off. I hate to leave the house because I'm still haunted by those horrible feelings of paranoia, and getting anything organized or staying on task with anything is impossible. I thought for sure those would go away when I quit using. Have I permanently damaged my brain?

Although I am positive that I never, ever want to go back to where I came from (to do that would be certain death), the road ahead right now doesn't look so great either - at least it looks terribly overwhelming.

I guess what I'm saying is that I hope that this is not as good as it gets. Seven months seems like a long time and that I should be back to "normal", but perhaps I'm not right. Guess I just need a dose of hope.

Anyway, I'm glad to be here and grateful that I found SR. I've already gotten a lot out of reading what others have to say.

Anna

Hi Azenara,

Seven months is a long time and I'm sure you're frustrated that things are better by now. It really does take time. I'm an alcoholic and I drank a lot for about 3 yrs. It was so difficult to stop and the mental anguish, the shame and guilt plagued me for so long. I tried to just let myself be and try to move forward slowly. It does get better and I'm glad you have found a support group for yourself. If you're concerned about the physical effects that are lingering, maybe you could talk to a dr.

Anyways, I welcome you to SR! This is a great place for support.

salamander

Hi Azenar,

I've been sober for 14 days today. I keep wondering the same thing. Does it get any easier, is this as good as it gets? I just contacted someone last nite to meet f2f just to talk and to help get me to a meeting. I keep resisting and telling myself that its not real, maybe I'm just taking making too much out of it. I think about drinking again and then I remember the horrible feelings of guilt and shame. Wish I could offer you something useful. I have seen others that seem to have what I want - they're sober/clean and they seem to have such a serene happy life. I hope to get there one day. Hang in there, I've seen it work, I just havent experienced it.

Jersey Nonny

OK...I'll tell you...It gets better! As addicts/alcoholics, we must learn to practice patience, a virtue which is foreign to us, since we're so used to indulging ourselves with instant gratification.

I'm sure you didn't become an addict overnight...and, though seven months may seem like a long time to you right now...you'll have the rest of your life (one day at a time) to get better.

In addition to the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, there are 12 Promises in the AA Big Book...they always made me feel a great deal of hope. I'm going to search and see if I can locate them for you.

Ah...here they are (from page 83):

The 12 Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

(1) We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

(2) We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

(3) We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

(4) No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

(5) That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

(6) We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

(7) Self-seeking will slip away.

(8) Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

(9) Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

(10) We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

(11) We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

(12) Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.


I hope you'll find them as helpful/inspiring as I always did.

liiise

what you did is not who you are... don't ponder on it, it wasn't you, today is you, the clean you, things will get better i promise. with every day you'll get stronger and more confident , hang in there and good job on the 7 months.. we are all here for you.. Lise

Luckyv2

I am with you! I had almost two years at one time and had almost a year but today I know that nothing is going to change if I use. I have to keep that top priority, going to meetings, etc. I am a little over 5 months clean now and it hasn't been easy but this is the only life that we have so let's enjoy it

CarolD

Welcome to SR! Comgratulations on your clean time!


My sober life is fantastic!!
But it was not at 7 months..
the miracles began for me
when I finished the AA Steps.

I suggest you attend NA and find the joy of recovery.

Blessings..

Midas

Welcome! It may not get easier, but it does get better with time. Healing is sometimes a slow process.

cubbie

Azenara,

First of all, be thankful that you are 7 months into your recovery. It seems the worst is behind you. As long as you stay clean, things can only get better. I am in the midst of my own bottoming out. I am only a month into sobriety. For me, things will probably get worse due to my actions when I was drunk. The motivating factor for me to continue being sober is that I want to recapture what I have lost. Have faith that you will overcome your addiction. Prolonged sobriety will probably get you in the right frame of mind.

Cubbie

laurience

"The only thing I have accomplished so far is getting out of the horrible world I was living in, find a loving support group at a church in my new city, and one day at a time saying no."

I think that is alot, congrats to you and I will keep you in my prayers. I will also share a story that I shared with someone else about meth.
Joanne

laurience

Here is the story I posted before.
"I just wanted to share this story in hopes that I can help someone or scare someone into quitting.

One of my sister's best childhood friends went down a wrong path and started using alot of Crystal meth with her boyfriend. Her kids were feeding themselves and eating out of garbage bins. They finally were taken away to foster care (it was a blessing for the kids at that time)..We lost touch with this person for about 5 years until her mother called my sister telling her that her friend had a brain stem stroke.

I guess what happened is that she had a stroke at night and her boyfriend just thought she was wasted so he put her to bed and then she had another stroke the next morning. Well we went to see her in the hosptial and all she could do was blink her eyes in order to communicate. Her mind is functional so it is almost like being trapped in her own body because nothing else works and all she can do is lay there.
Not a pretty ending.."

My sister is Liiise who is also on this forum.
Joanne

michski

Unfortunately there are no quick fixes.

We've had all those quick fixes. Get high and it fixed an argument. Got high and it fixed the fact you've got no money. Got high and the kids got taken away. Got high and we'll think about it tomorrow. Got high and not give one good gawd darn about tomorrow.


When we get clean we live in the present. We deal with it and do the best we can. It is quite often painful that we can't get that small moment of feeling better that we had come to depend upon, but we continue to stay clean and DEAL WITH IT.

I went kayaking down a swollen Springtime river the first year I was sober. I was afraid. I'd be gliding down a smooth river but I'd hear the rapids ahead of me. I thought I was gonna die. Then I would paddle like crazy and get myself out of the rapids and then would come the calm waters... I couldn't help but draw a metaphor of recovery from that experience.

All of us who have managed to lose the obsession to use/drink are here on a daily basis so that YOU can imagine the same for yourself. It will all happen for you all you have to do is stay clean and get healthy.

Don't pick up. White knuckle it if you have to. Just give yourself enough time to physically heal. If you were shooting crank you've got to know you will be depressed for a while.. maybe a year. I just know my miracle happened around 8-9 months clean and sober. Can you talk it over with a doctor? Antidepressants really helped me get off cocaine.

Crank devours your dopamine. Then your brain actually grows a defense system against dopamine which makes for a very very nasty depression. Get all the help you can. I'm not a doctor but antidepressants really helped me work by program.

barb dwyer

Hi Azenara -

welcome!

Jupiter2

Hi Azenara,

It does get better, but 7 months is not enough time. It started to really improve for me at about 1.5 years. I now have my career back, my family is overjoyed at my recovery, started learning how to relate to and be with people again, etc. I was pretty well played out after many years of heavy drinking and drug additcion before that. I'm no spring chicken either, and it did happen for me.

Life is not easier, but it is much better. Future still uncertain, but my confidence that I can deal with it is increasing.

You are on the right path. I know the kind of depression you are experiencing to some degree, since was addicted to crack in the 80's. When I tell people in meetings this, they are totally surprised, since I look, act, and often feel "normal".

None of my associates at work or my clients have a clue since I am functioning well now and am able to compete in a pretty stressful profession.

You can do this!

Jup.

Grasshopper

Hi and congrats on your clean and sober time!!!!
Way to go!!!!!
After i got sober,,,--IT--,didnt get better.My outside world,was full of evictions,cancer,heart-attack,,,need i go on.lol
Whats more important than,that, suff,is that
---I got better.inside---I have peace within myself,through recovery and the Grace of God,that i know that things,whether they get better or not,
i know that i will be ok.I no longer need to live,the way i did in the past,that was a living hell.Even when things seemed to go the way i wanted them to.,periodocally,I still felt awful inside,of me,when i was drinking.Things -situations,have a tempory happiness/sadness,that doesnt last long.Recovery is longer lasting.Ever lasting.
Now without drinking,im free,inside.The promises come true,inside.God has done for me,what i could never have done for myself.
Recovery is an inside job.
My prayers are for you,
keep on keepin on,no matter what.You can find peace and happiness,no matter what,happens,outside of yourself.
Thanks for letting me share,how it works for me,
God Bless,

splithead

welcome to SR, i know your in the right place. keep posting and reading. the wonderful people here have helped me in my recovery process alot. ive not used for 3 weeks now, so way to go on 7 months. keep up the good work, it does get better. it has for me already.

Azenara

I so much appreciate everyone's feedback to my post of a month ago when I was really doubting that being clean was much better than being "out there". About that time I did start taking an anti-depressant and I believe it has helped a lot (thank you Michski). After I posted I felt too embarressed to see what anyone might have said. I know that sounds stupid, and I have no idea why that happens, but I guess it's related to getting back my self-confidence. I also am so glad that you reminded my about the 12 promises, rearob, because there have been times in the past that hanging on to them has helped me so much, and I can indeed see them coming true for me already. So, now I'm up to 8 months and if I saw some pretty significant improvement from 7 months - well, there's the proof. It does keep getting better!

Jersey Nonny

Yes...I was so pleased when they started to read them at my group meeting...because not everyone has the patience to wade through the Big Book...so, although they may hear/see the Steps and Traditions at the meetings, they may not be exposed to the Promises (which I think offer so much hope).

northbelle

Just what I needed to hear today!! Thank you so much for this post . I relapsed after 2 years ..get clean for a minute..then go back again. It has been so rough staying clean for me. Itoo take aantidepressant adn it does help alot. I just lost my job ..yup..clean and sober and I am full of all the old fears..but i will deep listening to the promises and reading them in meetings and one day at a time ..trudge the road of recovery.
love north

gypsytears

Azarena... sounds like you're making your own answers . My problem is alcohol, but I have been having the same "when does it get better" thoughts. Thank you for checking in and keep it up!