He just does not get it.

Old 10-27-2006, 07:44 AM
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He just does not get it.

Why can't my STBXAH grasp that it is finally over. Why does he continue to ask me if this is what I want? Do I really want to throw away 7 years of marriage? He finally signed the divorce papers, but he is now telling me that I can stop it when I get ready to. I think I am a nice person, but it has gotten to the point that when I have to talk to him I have to be hateful towards him or he gets the wrong idea. For the most part I have tried to have no contact, but is hard when you have children.

He has called me everynight for the past week before I leave work wanting to know if we can go get something to eat and talk. I have told him NO each time and told him not to call me at work. I can't have my calls monitored b/c I work for a small company and I am the only one that answers the phone late in the evening and he knows this. He just does not get it.

We are all going trick or treating together Tuesday night with the kids. My parents are coming along with his sister and brother in law. The street has a block party and everyone dresses up and we go there every year with the kids. It is just fun for everyone. I did invite him so he could see the kids, but I told him that it meant nothing that we would discuss no grown up stuff. My parents would be there and I expected EVERYONE to get along and there was to be no drinking or alcohol on his breath or I would ask him to leave. He agreed. We shall see. I can feel my head start to ache already.

Oh yeah, he says he just does not get it, why did I left. Does not understand why I am putting him threw this. That it is not all his fault. What can he do? I have stopped trying to explain, I owe him no explanation. I OWE HIM NOTHING.


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Old 10-27-2006, 07:55 AM
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I think the core of any further conversations needs be prefaced with, "he doesn't get it". Instead of being suprised at how much he doesn't get, I would assume he doesnt' get it and never will.
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Old 10-27-2006, 08:07 AM
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LOT...

I could have written much of your post. My STBXAH doesn't get it either. He asks me the same things " How can you just throw away the last 8 years of marriage?" "Why are you doing this?" "I need you to help me" "Those people are brainwashing you".

He signed our dissolution papers, but keeps threatening not to show up for our court date, which is Monday. If he doesn't show, they will throw out our dissolution. I've told him in no uncertain terms that if he does not show up to finalize it, I will immediately file for divorce. The only thing he will accomplish is costing us both atty fees and dragging the whole thing out for at least 9 more months.

I have tried to be "nice", but have had as little contact as possible. We have no children together so at least I don't have that issue to deal with.

I stopped trying to make him "get it" a while ago. All I want is for him to show up to court on Monday so I can move on.
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Old 10-27-2006, 08:13 AM
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OH YEAH - I forgot about the brainwashing part too. He tells me that everytime I talk to him, that my family is brainwashing me. That I want to be divorced like the rest of them.

He threaten not to sign the divorce papers, but once I told him I would have the papers rewritten and he would not like them, he signed them.
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Old 10-27-2006, 09:06 AM
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(((LifeoutThere)))... My AH made a similiar comment about me wanting to be single again, like both of my sisters. Whatever. You ARE a nice person, don't let him make you believe otherwise.
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Old 10-27-2006, 09:17 AM
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Oh my god.. I could have wrote this post myself! See my post in naranon about an email my STBXH sent me and my response. He can't handle losing me from his grasp, and when he feels like he is he gets angry....

They truly don't "get it", and probably never will because they were never on our side of the fence!
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Old 10-27-2006, 09:32 AM
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Yeah I don't think they truly "get" anything until they get some genuine sober time under their belts, or have the moment of clarity that leads to sobriety. From my understanding and what I've learned from the recovering As right on this board, they know what's going on... but they don't. With all the mechanisms that are in place while active- the blaming, the denial, the self-pity, being so out of touch with reality in general- it's like asking them to do the impossible by expecting them to really process what's happening in their lives.

I think all they know is that their method stopped working with someone they love, and they're rebelling against it since taking responsibility for themselves isn't generally a strong suit among addicts.

Good luck.
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Old 10-27-2006, 01:50 PM
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Hey there,

Harshness is not my intention here.

Ill make a stab at why he does not seem to be 'getting it' I have been there and this comes from experience and compassion.

By taking his calls, you are keeping communication open with him. To the alcoholic I left, this meant the game was still on and I was still able ot be manipulated or interested in negotiating.

I got calls at work too, I started hanging up as soon as I heard his voice. When it persisted, I notified my employer, to save MY As

I dont have children, so maybe the party would be something I would invite him to. I highly doubt it, but I dont have the experience in that arena. I am wondering why he cant just have his own time with the kids and needs to spend time with the kids, in your presence?
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Old 10-27-2006, 02:25 PM
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It's damned eerie how much this sounds like my ex-husband, who wasn't an addict to anything but power and emotional manipulation. I still feel lucky to have escaped from him.
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