queenteree

Now I have the following from room to room with absoultely no privacy to even go on this computer, so I went on right in front of him. He said "sober community, hum" You know what, who cares. I told him I'm tired of all this and at 46 I don't want to go thru it. You know what he says "so find someone else." I am so sick of hearing that one too, then tomorrow even more drinking and getting drunk because of what I said (yes, his EXCUSE), then the next day even drunker, making my life a living hell until he decides to sober up for a few days, then he's sorry. I really am so sick of all this. I wish he would die.

AllTooSober

(((queentree))) I wish I could say something wise and helpful but all I can offer are hugs. Are you able/ready to leave him? Or kick him out?

queenteree

We both own our house, and he's made it quite clear that he will never leave. He always says he will just stay upstairs (which he always winds up following me from room to room to start an argument). I can't leave right now because my daughter, who is a single mom of two small girls (4 and 5 years old) gets no child support from her alcoholic husband (who she threw out when her youngest was 8 mos. old for being drunk all the time and neglecting the kids, among other things) and he can't even be found (hasn't seen his kids in that long), put herself through school to get her GED, went to college and is now an LPN and continuing her education to be an RN (only 8 mos. to go) in order to make a better life for her girls. She needs my help financially (since she works limited shifts in order to complete her education). I keep trying to stick it out, and with the tools learned here, I am doing pretty good, but today I am having a melt down because it seems its a month on bender for him, three or four days off, then another month, and so on and so on. I work full time, babysit two nights a week and one day on the weekend, and sometimes I just would like to have a normal husband and life instead of doing all of the above, which I do not mind, and dealing with a drunk every night. My life is not what I expected it to be. I used to be much stronger. Thanks for the hugs though, I really need them right now.

fixyou

I am not proud of it but i too find myself wishing he would just not wake up. When he has a real big drinking day he is usually passed out by 6pm and he starts snoring so loud then he stops breathing for what seems like an eternity, and i think this is it, then the coughing and breathing start up. Before you all judge me I have told him for over 15 years that he stops breathing in his sleep, I have told our family Dr as well. But I can't help but wonder.........would I try to save his life or would i just walk away. I hope I never have to "REALLY" make that decision.

queenteree

You know, sometimes he too passes out or he'll take an ambien along with alcohol when he's really drunk to go to sleep. I always tell him not to, but he doesn't listen. Then sometimes he'll forget he took one and take another, and I have said "please, you already took one" He doesn't believe me and takes another. Then he goes to sleep upstairs and I don't hear anything in the morning, I too think "this is it" but then I hear those footsteps and I'm kind of disappointed. I, like you, really hope I never have to make that decision of saving him because I truly don't know what I would do. Even with his liver disease, I have thought that if he died today, at his funeral I don't know if I would cry or if I would feel relieved. Isn't it sad to feel that way about someone you once loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with? But thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone in that thought process. Sometimes I feel so sad or guilty for thinking that.

mazey

I think those thoughts come when we see no way out but their death.....a brief lil' sinful thought.

FriendofBill

its not sinful, its an honest thought. I have it all the time.

Ever see someone youlove wither and linger a dying death from cancer, shrinking in size, thier eyes sinking in thier sockets, gasping for beathe?

How is that any differenct from someone dying from alcoholism by way of anger, rage, indifference, violence.....and taking us down with them?

Torture is torture......physical, emotional, mental....

Death sometimes seems like a welcome luxury when living under those horrific circumstances.Alcoholism kills us all!

Grasshopper

I wish that he would die.
Can relate,i too have said,and wished this in my past about my loved one.Thing is that although its an honest feeling,it hurts me more,to think/feel along these lines,and it doesnt affect the other,one i-otta.It makes no changes in them,but it does in me.I became hard,bitter,inside and out,and it was my choice at the time,to do this,because i didnt know a better way to deal,until i got so sick myself,with these types of thinking i screamed for change.I went for recovery,for myself.And this is what changed my life,---recovery.---Through recovery,im better able to handel situations that use to baffle the heck out of me.This is one of AA,s promises.And personally ive found this true for al-anon also.I wanted to get back that loving person that i once was,no longer wishing ill onto others,anymore.Today through recovery i pray for them.What a change doing this has made inside of me.And yet still,it doesnt change another.But recovery is not about anyone else but me.
I have choices.To take action on my own recovery,or to allow alcoholism,to take over my life.
Choose life.
My prayers are with you and your loved one.
May God grant you serenity,and peace.
Thanks for letting me share,whats working in my life today.

GettingBy

Did you mean it? If so, then what are you doing to stop yourself from going through it? What's your plan? What are you doing for YOU?

If you said it hoping that it would get him to change/do something different... sorry to say this, but nothing is likely to change.

No one can make your life hell, unless you let them. Time for you to take control. So what if he choses to drink tomorrow, or the day after... how about making plans for YOU? What do you want YOUR tomorrow to be?

I can understand the feeling... but isn't that a cop out? Wishing he would do something to fix the situation, so you don't have to?

Nothing changes, if nothing changes. And nothing changes if you keep doing what you've always done. Time for you to take responsibility for your life/happiness.

Take what you like and leave the rest.
Shannon

devil_angel

This is exactly what I was thinking. And I do the same thing so this is not a judgement. But really wouldnt it make it so much easier if passing away could fix the situation? And isnt it sad that that is how messed up our minds become from this that we would rather choose death than our own action?

prodigal

That is what I like about this forum. We can all have our opinions and agree to disagree. The main point is to have our opinion and then to take what we wish and respect what we leave. I honestly don't think there's anyone who has been pulled down into the hell of addiction with their loved one - and we often don't realize we're being pulled down until we're DOWN - that hasn't just wished the poor soul would die.

What is an addict who refuses to get help and get clean and sober doing anyway???? Slow suicide!!!! They are slowly killing themselves for the love and enslavement they have to their drug or drink. These are people whose self-esteem or any esteem is in the crapper. C'mon .... we don't really want them to die, but we want an easier, softer way out of our suffering - just like them!! The disease is contagious, so why shouldn't we wish them dead? They want the easy way out with no responsibility, and we want them to go the easy way out without having to take responsibility. Mutual insanity.

prodigal

... and not because we allow someone else to do let us do it. We allow ourselves. We own our own hell. The addict owns his or her own addiction. We just make ourselves crazy by telling ourselves that someone else can make our lives hell because we allow it. Nope, sorry, don't buy it.

Nobody has made my life hell. Miserable, yes, but not hell. I did that all by myself. I allowed people to do things to me, for me, at me, with me, but it was all about ME. I don't control the addict's hell and he does not control mine. I gave someone permission and I gave my own psyche permission to be tortured with self-punishment.

That addict was someone I needed in order to keep beating up on myself. Yes, I gave him permission to participate in my self-mutilation, but I did not consciously wake up one morning and say to myself, "I need an addict in my life today so I can go through hell and back. Now where is my addict?"

My disease. His disease. I finally decided to own my disease. And never the 'twain shall meet.

denny57

I never wished AH dead, never. My staying in the situation was my own slow suicide. Instead of questioning the reasons the addict won't get help, I had to figure out why I wouldn't do the same. It is no different, just one involves a drug.

embraced2000

yes, denny, i agree.........although i did fantasize torturing him at times.....he was my drug and my addiction. i , like you, had to realize that i was choosing to stay miserable in an alcoholic situation.

it was so hard for me, and still is at times, to control my addiction to him.
thanks for your post.(my puter won't let me give the thumbs up sign)
god bless
jeri