Broken

Old 10-23-2006, 07:55 PM
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Broken

My heart keeps breaking more and more. I want to get this guy out of my system, I know on the serfice I'm strong and doing all the right things. But i'm a wreck inside. Sometimes I just can't stop crying. Today is one of those days. I feel weak and scared. So I caome here and tell all of you because my friends and family have no idea how badly I hurt. I'm scared things will never get better for me. I know that I'm doing a great job taking care of everything I'm responsiable for but i'm dying alittle each day. And I want to feel normal, whole again.
Why am I always so hard on my self? Why am I affraid of being alone (mate) for the rest of my life? the way my heart has been broken why do I want someone to love me? Why does it mean so much to me to have that someone special? I don't even have time for anyone.Why am I so insicure (SP) about myself?

I hate ME today
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Old 10-23-2006, 08:01 PM
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((((kermit))))

I was going to write this on the other thread: beware now of the down days. You've gotten over a huge hurdle and the emotions go every which way, including sorrow. Even now, after I finish a big paperwork task for the divorce I cry a little. Who knows why? I talk it out in therapy. It's change and it's hard, but it's good. You'll see. You ask a lot of good questions; have you talked to a therapist?

Be kind to yourself through these times - you will be ok. You will find love again, when the time is right. You will be stronger because of all you do today.
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Old 10-23-2006, 08:13 PM
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Denny, this is my thearapy. I don't have the time or the money. I feel so guilty about going to my alanon meetings that I don't always get there. Thanks for the response. I know it is "just one of those days" but thats why I love this place . you all seem to help me the most.
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Old 10-23-2006, 08:19 PM
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Oh, Kermit, you have a broken heart....It will heal! That is the good news, but it does take awhile and hurts like heck, and that is the bad news. Each day it will get a teeny bit better, then there'll be a really bad day thrown in, then truly little by little it will get better. Don't lose hope, you will have love again, and you'll want it and be ready for it, when the time is right. Cry, kick and scream if ya need to, it can help! You are grieving.....we all do after the loss, even when we wonder why we are? It is a matter of the heart, no other reason.
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Old 10-23-2006, 08:51 PM
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Unfortunately, we have to walk through the pain to get past it and move on with our lives. The good news is that it doesn't last forever. Until that day, we're here for you.
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Old 10-23-2006, 08:58 PM
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Kermit......I understand. I have had lots of those days lately (thank God that today was not one of them;it was a nice change!). Posting here helps me;hope you find comfort in knowing all of us care and keep you in our prayers (at least I do). Hope tomorrow is a better day for you!
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Old 10-23-2006, 11:57 PM
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Kermit, I think the feelings you're going through indicate that you're human!
You'd be a robot if you didn't have these feelings! "This too will pass" and in the meantime, please be kinder to you and I hope you can come up with some positive things to do or read or learn. Please keep sharing, because it really is good therapy and a means to healing.

One very important thing, Kermit... making the RIGHT decision doesn't always feel GOOD. But it does feel RIGHT! Since God works in mysterious ways, I'm sure you'll get moments of reinforcement that your decision was right!

During your alone time, you may find as I did.... that I was a pretty decent person and deserved the good life. I even got to like and enjoy my own company!

You're never alone if you have God in your life and hopefully you know that you have friends here who care about you, including me.

Good luck to you and Hugs,
Luv
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Old 10-24-2006, 04:47 AM
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the girl can't help it
 
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Now you had better stop beating yourself up...We all have "stuff". Now that your H has gotten his "stuff" out of your way you will be able to see and deal with yours.

Recovery is an inside job even for us codies. It can be a lonely process cause the hardest "stuff" cannot be dealt with by anyone other than ourselves. We can share with you how we have dealt with our "stuff" but it is entirely up to you what you do with that info...then you can come here or to your f2f meetings and share how you did it.

My sponcer had me call everyone on my call list when I was working my 4th step and I was to tell them I am working my 4th step. Almost nobody even answered the phone when I made these calls and the ones who did had very little to say about it and usually could not talk right now. My sponcer told me to call her back after I called everyone on the list. The list was very long so it took a few days for me to call everyone...When I did call my sponcer back she asked what I had learned. My response was, "it is lonely being in recovery". She said yes you are right nobody can do it for you.

We can try to focus on a temporary solution like finding someone new instead of doing our inside work and most likely we will find someone who is even more messed up than the person we left or left us. Once you do your inside work you may find that you do not need to be in love or you may meet someone execellent and without major life issues.

The inside job is an adventure and it is exciting getting to know who you really are and what you really want to do. If you are still hearing a voice inside you saying I am lonely, dig a little deeper((((kermie)))) cause you may not actually have unearthed a major part of yourself a part that holds something very valuable. Love yourself kermit and allow yourself to discover your hidden treasure!!!
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Old 10-24-2006, 05:21 AM
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Yes the awful truth is you do have a broken heart.
I have found that after a period of time that I now see so much more then I did before in my relationship with my wife.

The drinking was just her way of covering up things, could have been something different. Fact is she was broken in a lot of ways.

I was broken, cried, felt alone, all the things you feel. I was a mess.
It’s funny I heard a song last night that set me back in a tail spin of emotion, but then it was gone.

Everything does take time, but you truly have not let him go.
When you do, and it will be easier now that he left the area, it will get better.

You see we all want the things you want. It’s just in time we handle them differently.

I still have my moments, like last night, but everyone does.
There is so many slogans or thoughts I could throw at you, but I wont.

I do know that it’s only words and when I was there, I said hell with that.
This point you are in has to happen, and you will get past it, let the morning happen.
Let the feelings get out and be done with them, you’re human, that’s all.

Just remember they are only feelings and they will grow dim in time.
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Old 10-24-2006, 05:24 AM
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kermit.....hon, it will get better. i know how you feel. the hurt is indescribable.
hopelessness.

it's like a death....we must mourn it.

a blast from my past......at a meeting one night, i was cryin all over the place hout how much i was hurting.....said i would almost feel better if he were dead, cause then i would know where he was. my fellow al-anonian said.......well, lets just go get him, kill him, and bury him so YOU will feel better, honey!!!!

that was an eye opener for me. so i started concentrating on me.
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Old 10-24-2006, 07:56 AM
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Kermit,

Broken hearts heal. They do. You don't believe it when you're hurting, but they do.

And as for your fear of being alone...? If you become the person you would like to spend the rest of your life with, you won't be alone. And if you are, it will be OK. I, like you, have put way too much stock in what others (mates) can do for me. You keep walking, keep feeling, keep working, and things will fall into place.
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Old 10-24-2006, 08:58 AM
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Originally Posted by kermit
I hate ME today
Please don't.
You are human, there's nothing wrong with that.
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Old 10-24-2006, 09:12 AM
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I am so very sorry it hurts so bad. I know how you feel. Keep going to the Al-Anon meetings, and posting here. We all love you. You are only human, take it one day at a time. It is gonna get better.
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Old 10-24-2006, 09:44 AM
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Thank You Aal For Your Kind Words You Give Me Strength
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Old 10-24-2006, 10:20 AM
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so sorry you're having a bad day. that seems to be going around...me too today.
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Old 10-24-2006, 12:08 PM
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I hope today is better for you sweetie....

Remember that he is your DOC.... your in detox hon... hurts like heck I know.

But as soon as your are stable from detox you can go to summer camp (rehab/Al-anon) and start to work though it and cry all over the place.... soon there will come a day when the fog starts to lift and you will find some balance......

Then you start recovery. Let it hurt, cry all you need. It will get better and we are here to hold you till it does.
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Old 10-24-2006, 03:38 PM
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I have those days and I really don't understand them, I just get through them.
The most wonderful thing is when you can accept being alone and be ok with it. I realized I would not be good for anyone else if I wasn't ok with me. It takes time.
You suffered a loss, sometimes people say divorce is worse than death, your loved one is still out there, but you must go on alone.
Don't hate yourself, hate the situation for today.
I promise it gets better, but every once in awhile something happens and the tears well up.
Just the other day someone said "tube steak" that was something he said and I just got this terribly sad feeling. Weird I know.
It is a process and a bumpy road, if we stick together we will make it.
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Old 10-24-2006, 09:45 PM
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Today was better. I'm way to busy at work to even think about anything else.i do miss my kids. At this time of the month I work an average of 12hrs a day and I'm a hour awayso that at least 14 so I feel really bad this time of the month. I have to depended on my 16yr old to much. She is so awsome at this time and I'm greatful to have her. I just feel like she just shouldn't have to be the one helping out. Shes 16 for heavens sake. I'm very tired so I'm off to try and get some sleep. Good night everyone.
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Old 10-24-2006, 10:04 PM
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(((((((((kermit)))))))))))

I still cry and my XAH has been gone for 16 months and married the hooch last week that he cheated on us with but every day is better and better...it does get easier - I have alot of triggers and that sets me off very quickly and you will too. Watch for them ok. You can't get better until you go through this phase of the process. It has to happen and because you love him it hurts alot more. If you didn't and if we didnt love ours we wouldn't feel the pain to the degree that we do. That just tells us that we are human and we feel. We aren't numb anymore. Take care sweetie.

Janit
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Old 10-24-2006, 11:09 PM
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Hey Kermit,
Four years ago, the love of my life abruptly walked out of my life. I was eleven and a half years sober at the time and have never experienced emotional pain like that. I went into true mourning and it seemed like it would never end. But it did, although I still get a little sad sometimes when I think about her.

But now I'm grateful for the experience-it seems to have softened my heart and smoothed off the sharp corners. It also seems to have allowed me to truly regain myself.

Be good to yourself during this time. Although there isn't much anyone can say at times, let your friends be there. Take care.
Jim
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