I have a question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Virginia
Posts: 175
I have a question
Hi everyone, I know it's been awhile since my last post.
Well, we made it through the funeral and my children are doing okay. For those of you you that don't know my father-n-law was killed in an automobile accident while driving with my two children in the car two Saturday's ago.
My problem is this: My exa is in jail for 3 months for a hit and run he gets out May 1st then goes to court again in May in a different county for really this will be his 5th DUI but on paper this will be his 2nd, evading and eluding, refusal, and wreckless driving.
He tells me that I always think things are worse than they really are. Why can't I be more positive. He wants to get back together with me. He says he loves me and doesn't want to waste anymore time living apart from each other. He tells me that he believes this is his rock bottom. He thinks that God has given him another chance to turn his life around and to be the father and husband he wants to be and what me and the kids deserve. He said that if he takes his father's death as a sign then his father wouldn't have died in vain.
He tells me he's truely sorry for everything and he know's he was wrong and admitted he is truely an alcoholic. He said he always believed he could control the drinking but realizes now that it controls him. He doesn't want to live his life like that anymore. He thinks that by being in jail and him not drinking that he's in recovery.
My questions are 1. Wouldn't he be the same person when he gets out as the person that went in? He hasn't had any counseling just absistance from drinking. The issues that caused him to drink in the first place still are there. 2. Can I believe what he's saying? I know he really believes and means what he's saying right now but when he gets out odds are he'll go back to the same old because it's what is familar. He has said things similar before but always in the past went back to drinking because I didn't give what he wanted which was us back together, that was his excuse. 3. If we did get back together does the walking on pins and needles feeling ever go away or will I always be wondering when he'll have his next beer. Or if he's late getting home will I be obsessed worrying if or what bar he was at. 4. Could I ever trust him again?
I sometimes think that I'll never know for sure in my heart unless I do give it one last chance. But then I feel bad because everyone in my family and most of my friends will think I'm crazy and won't understand. Should I care what they think. I know the answer is no. The only one that matters really is me and my children and I should do what I feel is right for us no matter what anyone thinks. It's my life and I'm the only one that has to live in it but I worry about what other people think and say so much that I start doubting myself and second guessing my decisions. I know that's my sickness and low self-esteem. I am working on changing my thought process and turning my negative thinking into positive thinking.
This is what I told him - when he gets out of jail and doesn't drink for 6 months, doesn't tell me one thing but does another, no lying, picks up the children on time and when he says and is a responsible human being, goes to therapy and AA meetings on a regular basis and doesn't call me and hound me to get back together like asking 20 times in a 10 minute conversation then I would consider getting back together with him. Does this seem reasonable? I'm not holding my breathe but at some point do you keep your life on hold waiting for this to happen or do you go on with your own life and if it does it does and if not then what?
Does any of this make any sense?
Sorry this is so long but I'm so full of questions.
Thanks,
Galnva
I picked up Dr. Phil's book "Self Matters" the other day. So far it's a great book with alot of soul searching exercises.
Well, we made it through the funeral and my children are doing okay. For those of you you that don't know my father-n-law was killed in an automobile accident while driving with my two children in the car two Saturday's ago.
My problem is this: My exa is in jail for 3 months for a hit and run he gets out May 1st then goes to court again in May in a different county for really this will be his 5th DUI but on paper this will be his 2nd, evading and eluding, refusal, and wreckless driving.
He tells me that I always think things are worse than they really are. Why can't I be more positive. He wants to get back together with me. He says he loves me and doesn't want to waste anymore time living apart from each other. He tells me that he believes this is his rock bottom. He thinks that God has given him another chance to turn his life around and to be the father and husband he wants to be and what me and the kids deserve. He said that if he takes his father's death as a sign then his father wouldn't have died in vain.
He tells me he's truely sorry for everything and he know's he was wrong and admitted he is truely an alcoholic. He said he always believed he could control the drinking but realizes now that it controls him. He doesn't want to live his life like that anymore. He thinks that by being in jail and him not drinking that he's in recovery.
My questions are 1. Wouldn't he be the same person when he gets out as the person that went in? He hasn't had any counseling just absistance from drinking. The issues that caused him to drink in the first place still are there. 2. Can I believe what he's saying? I know he really believes and means what he's saying right now but when he gets out odds are he'll go back to the same old because it's what is familar. He has said things similar before but always in the past went back to drinking because I didn't give what he wanted which was us back together, that was his excuse. 3. If we did get back together does the walking on pins and needles feeling ever go away or will I always be wondering when he'll have his next beer. Or if he's late getting home will I be obsessed worrying if or what bar he was at. 4. Could I ever trust him again?
I sometimes think that I'll never know for sure in my heart unless I do give it one last chance. But then I feel bad because everyone in my family and most of my friends will think I'm crazy and won't understand. Should I care what they think. I know the answer is no. The only one that matters really is me and my children and I should do what I feel is right for us no matter what anyone thinks. It's my life and I'm the only one that has to live in it but I worry about what other people think and say so much that I start doubting myself and second guessing my decisions. I know that's my sickness and low self-esteem. I am working on changing my thought process and turning my negative thinking into positive thinking.
This is what I told him - when he gets out of jail and doesn't drink for 6 months, doesn't tell me one thing but does another, no lying, picks up the children on time and when he says and is a responsible human being, goes to therapy and AA meetings on a regular basis and doesn't call me and hound me to get back together like asking 20 times in a 10 minute conversation then I would consider getting back together with him. Does this seem reasonable? I'm not holding my breathe but at some point do you keep your life on hold waiting for this to happen or do you go on with your own life and if it does it does and if not then what?
Does any of this make any sense?
Sorry this is so long but I'm so full of questions.
Thanks,
Galnva
I picked up Dr. Phil's book "Self Matters" the other day. So far it's a great book with alot of soul searching exercises.
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 3
Goodness, I just sent you a reply and then i go t the message that I wasn't signed in! It deleted my reply....that just tells you how new I am to this site.
here it goes again,
Go to Al-anon, it will help you understand alcoholism, it will change your way of thinking, it will help you answer the q's you have now. I've been going for 2 weeks now and it has certainly made a difference.
My husband (DH) says the same things your ex says. Being separated since Oct. 2000, we go back and forth, I always give him the "last chance", I've always given him the same ultimatiums you given your ex : follow through w/ your promisses, see your dd (dear daughter) more often, pay child support, stay sober, go to AA...he's never done it. On Apr. 3rd I asked for a divorce and for him to give up paternity rights (since he doesn't fullfill his obligations) I was tired, I was in pain, and I can see my 2yr old dd in pain ...when I tell her daddy will come see her and he doesn't show, when she cried at night saying that her daddy didn't love her and didn't like her....
He check into a detox program on Apr. 6, he still there. This Thurs. he will be transfered to a ranch, he will have 29 days of individual counseling, group counseling, lessons on how to deal w/ his disease and what to do when he feels like picking up the bottle or doing cocaine.
I don't know what will happen when he gets out ( I admit I hope for the best) but I know that, in the meantime, I have to take care of myself and my dd. He is gonna have to deal w/ his disease on his own; I'm powerless over it.
Make the time to go to Al-anon, take care of yourself.
Alis
here it goes again,
Go to Al-anon, it will help you understand alcoholism, it will change your way of thinking, it will help you answer the q's you have now. I've been going for 2 weeks now and it has certainly made a difference.
My husband (DH) says the same things your ex says. Being separated since Oct. 2000, we go back and forth, I always give him the "last chance", I've always given him the same ultimatiums you given your ex : follow through w/ your promisses, see your dd (dear daughter) more often, pay child support, stay sober, go to AA...he's never done it. On Apr. 3rd I asked for a divorce and for him to give up paternity rights (since he doesn't fullfill his obligations) I was tired, I was in pain, and I can see my 2yr old dd in pain ...when I tell her daddy will come see her and he doesn't show, when she cried at night saying that her daddy didn't love her and didn't like her....
He check into a detox program on Apr. 6, he still there. This Thurs. he will be transfered to a ranch, he will have 29 days of individual counseling, group counseling, lessons on how to deal w/ his disease and what to do when he feels like picking up the bottle or doing cocaine.
I don't know what will happen when he gets out ( I admit I hope for the best) but I know that, in the meantime, I have to take care of myself and my dd. He is gonna have to deal w/ his disease on his own; I'm powerless over it.
Make the time to go to Al-anon, take care of yourself.
Alis
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Virginia
Posts: 175
Hi Ali,
Thanks and you're absolutley right. I have been to Al-anon meetings but haven't been since last September. I want to go back - I do feel much clearer when I attend the meetings. I was going last Wednesday but my mother (babysitter) said why do you need to go - you're not the one with the problem. My mother just doesn't understand - I can't imagine why not because my father is and has always been an alcoholic. She still lives in denial.
I'm going to try to attend the meeting tonight. My husband and I have been separated since Oct. 00 also. He thinks since I haven't served him with divorce papers yet then I still love him and want to get back together. Can that be true. I don't know anymore if I do still love him or if I just think I do. I haven't served him papers yet (I have filed) they have been sitting at the attorney's office for 8 months now. I haven't yet because I'm afraid of letting him down and hurting his feelings and because I'm afraid that I've failed yet another marriage.
I know in my head it wasn't me that let him down it was the other way around. He was the one who left me home alone all those nights while he was getting drunk at the bars and hitting on other women. I know my problem lies within myself. I'm not a failure - I have a problem believing it. Why can't I trust and believe in myself?
With my exa there's always a condition for him quitting drinking. He said he'll do the things I've asked but doesn't want me to see other people. He wants me to committ only to him. Is that too much for him to ask of me or should I want to committ myself if I really wanted our marriage back? I guess if I really believed he would do the things I asked and he does remain sober then I would be with him only but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.
I think I think way too much for my own good. Take a deep breathe. How do I learn to let go and stop obsessing so much? I just want to be normal and live a normal life.
Thanks for letting me vent!
Hugs,
Galnva
Thanks and you're absolutley right. I have been to Al-anon meetings but haven't been since last September. I want to go back - I do feel much clearer when I attend the meetings. I was going last Wednesday but my mother (babysitter) said why do you need to go - you're not the one with the problem. My mother just doesn't understand - I can't imagine why not because my father is and has always been an alcoholic. She still lives in denial.
I'm going to try to attend the meeting tonight. My husband and I have been separated since Oct. 00 also. He thinks since I haven't served him with divorce papers yet then I still love him and want to get back together. Can that be true. I don't know anymore if I do still love him or if I just think I do. I haven't served him papers yet (I have filed) they have been sitting at the attorney's office for 8 months now. I haven't yet because I'm afraid of letting him down and hurting his feelings and because I'm afraid that I've failed yet another marriage.
I know in my head it wasn't me that let him down it was the other way around. He was the one who left me home alone all those nights while he was getting drunk at the bars and hitting on other women. I know my problem lies within myself. I'm not a failure - I have a problem believing it. Why can't I trust and believe in myself?
With my exa there's always a condition for him quitting drinking. He said he'll do the things I've asked but doesn't want me to see other people. He wants me to committ only to him. Is that too much for him to ask of me or should I want to committ myself if I really wanted our marriage back? I guess if I really believed he would do the things I asked and he does remain sober then I would be with him only but I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.
I think I think way too much for my own good. Take a deep breathe. How do I learn to let go and stop obsessing so much? I just want to be normal and live a normal life.
Thanks for letting me vent!
Hugs,
Galnva
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Galnva...he is setting you up when he say's "I will quit if you do this"...... he may not even know it. It leaves him with the perfect excuse to relapse...you. Whether you do anything or not. They are clever little devils...
His sobriety cannot be contingent on you behaving a certain way. Watch out for those potholes!! We almost lost you!
Hugs,
JT
His sobriety cannot be contingent on you behaving a certain way. Watch out for those potholes!! We almost lost you!
Hugs,
JT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Galnva
Just wanted to say hello and send you a hug. JT said it better than I could, but I agree....no conditions. Give it 6 months, but live your life anyway that makes you happy. You've come a long way, so watch out for those potholes.
Just wanted to say hello and send you a hug. JT said it better than I could, but I agree....no conditions. Give it 6 months, but live your life anyway that makes you happy. You've come a long way, so watch out for those potholes.
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