How Do You Feel?
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
How Do You Feel?
Today I have seen a lot of TOPICS going on here and there and everywhere. One time in a meeting the topic was about feelings and a guy said that it doesn't matter how you feel! It only matters in what you are doing. Well ****, I guess if it doesn't matter how I am feeling that what? I don't know anymore.
I have been in this program since actually 2002, was introduced to it in 1996 by a 17 year old boy that was in church and asked if I would like to go. I never knew what the program was. However I have never felt that I have ever fit in ANYWHERE! I don't feel as if I belong here, I don't feel as if I belong in church, I don't feel as if I fit in period.
To be quite honest as I can be, I feel as if I am a misfit! Like a person who has always had to buy his way into friendships, relationships, even in the meetings! I feel as if I have to draw attention in order to even get support. Right now I have been doing my treatments for my Hep C! They have drained me emotionally, physically, and whatever spiritually I have if any. I don't feel as if I even have any or ever have. Almost to the point of isolation again. Not answering the phone, not coming here and posting because it seems like whenever I do post I don't get any replies and if I do get them it is as if I am always in the wrong. ****
So what do I do, I will have to stay away from here, I have been already banned from a couple of other sites which breaks my heart! Yes my actions is what causes it. Do I change? Well if I do it sure in the hell isn't very quickly. I have tried to do what my new sponsor tells me to do and all he does is put me down, like I am a piece of ****. It hurts, I am doing my best that I feel that I can and do the steps but it seems like it isn't good enough for anyone, although I feel as if I am doing a good job. Seems to me like people are very ******* judging no matter where you go AA, NA, whatever. I just am a ******* junkie that is trying to stay clean and I have for almost 5 months. So big deal. Big deal.
I am almost on the brink of a mental break down. My sister is all I have I feel. She supports me for my efforts! No I am not perfect **** I wouldn't want to be. So then you have all this other BS that is going on here, and you know what I have seen a decline at SR like never before.
Yes Jon built a house that was awesome, now it seems as if it is a house that is falling by the way side, a house that the foundation was in place but now it is like under construction and the construction crew isn't in the same place. It is like what he built it up to be is being taken over by aliens. You know I guess that it doesn't matter how I feel, never has really. I am just me and that is all I can be whoever in the **** that is.
Yes I am poor Vic but I don't really give a **** on what any of you say. The only time that I even get any feed back is when things are not going good. When I am doing well **** it is like who gives a **** about him. whatever I miss T4C too, Chy, Dan, Muse now, Jon, blueyes, bob, so many gone and maria, I guess I am done, who knows if I will come back, but hey I don't give a **** either, I really don't' and that is probably a lie.
I have been in this program since actually 2002, was introduced to it in 1996 by a 17 year old boy that was in church and asked if I would like to go. I never knew what the program was. However I have never felt that I have ever fit in ANYWHERE! I don't feel as if I belong here, I don't feel as if I belong in church, I don't feel as if I fit in period.
To be quite honest as I can be, I feel as if I am a misfit! Like a person who has always had to buy his way into friendships, relationships, even in the meetings! I feel as if I have to draw attention in order to even get support. Right now I have been doing my treatments for my Hep C! They have drained me emotionally, physically, and whatever spiritually I have if any. I don't feel as if I even have any or ever have. Almost to the point of isolation again. Not answering the phone, not coming here and posting because it seems like whenever I do post I don't get any replies and if I do get them it is as if I am always in the wrong. ****
So what do I do, I will have to stay away from here, I have been already banned from a couple of other sites which breaks my heart! Yes my actions is what causes it. Do I change? Well if I do it sure in the hell isn't very quickly. I have tried to do what my new sponsor tells me to do and all he does is put me down, like I am a piece of ****. It hurts, I am doing my best that I feel that I can and do the steps but it seems like it isn't good enough for anyone, although I feel as if I am doing a good job. Seems to me like people are very ******* judging no matter where you go AA, NA, whatever. I just am a ******* junkie that is trying to stay clean and I have for almost 5 months. So big deal. Big deal.
I am almost on the brink of a mental break down. My sister is all I have I feel. She supports me for my efforts! No I am not perfect **** I wouldn't want to be. So then you have all this other BS that is going on here, and you know what I have seen a decline at SR like never before.
Yes Jon built a house that was awesome, now it seems as if it is a house that is falling by the way side, a house that the foundation was in place but now it is like under construction and the construction crew isn't in the same place. It is like what he built it up to be is being taken over by aliens. You know I guess that it doesn't matter how I feel, never has really. I am just me and that is all I can be whoever in the **** that is.
Yes I am poor Vic but I don't really give a **** on what any of you say. The only time that I even get any feed back is when things are not going good. When I am doing well **** it is like who gives a **** about him. whatever I miss T4C too, Chy, Dan, Muse now, Jon, blueyes, bob, so many gone and maria, I guess I am done, who knows if I will come back, but hey I don't give a **** either, I really don't' and that is probably a lie.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
I relate to alot of what u said. I have a choice to be happy. I have a choice to have a family . I have a choice to go get a better job. But many times i dont care about all that. Then im here all alone. Poor me....Selfish me...
My life is what i make of it. If its Shi** is because i allowed it to be,,,,
I dont have the drive or determination as my normal family does and thus it makes me feel like an outsider...like something is wrong with me....
At work...u would never know i had any problems....its soooo weird how that is.....customers compliment me on my constant smile i carry with me....i havent a clue as to why its there.....but i have a slight guess.....
Anyway....
Look at the birds in the air...they do not reap or toil and they have everything they need to keep them happy and alive.
We can be the same way if we allow Someone or Something else carry us for awhile.
Love ya Bro.
My life is what i make of it. If its Shi** is because i allowed it to be,,,,
I dont have the drive or determination as my normal family does and thus it makes me feel like an outsider...like something is wrong with me....
At work...u would never know i had any problems....its soooo weird how that is.....customers compliment me on my constant smile i carry with me....i havent a clue as to why its there.....but i have a slight guess.....
Anyway....
Look at the birds in the air...they do not reap or toil and they have everything they need to keep them happy and alive.
We can be the same way if we allow Someone or Something else carry us for awhile.
Love ya Bro.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Vic,
I have PM'd you twice in the last few days, asking you how you were doing and offering support and you haven't answered.
I see you go through this pattern again and again. Stop blaming other people. Stop blaming people who have left. There are people here who care about you. I am one of them - do you know that I am here for you?
I have PM'd you twice in the last few days, asking you how you were doing and offering support and you haven't answered.
I see you go through this pattern again and again. Stop blaming other people. Stop blaming people who have left. There are people here who care about you. I am one of them - do you know that I am here for you?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Vic, I have been following your posts and your recovery attempts. I have never posted to you because I am not an addict. I am the mom of a beautiful 20 year old daughter (only child) who is an addict. I have silently prayed for you and cheered for you. Don't give up on yourself. What other people think about you does not have to define who you are. My daughter is like you in that other people's opinion of her means more to her than her opinion of herself. This has caused her a lot of problems in her short life. There is a saying, What other people think of me is none of my business. Hugs, Marle
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
HI Vic,
Its just another day in recovery thats all it is all this poor poor me is part of our disease, so just keep on going.
I suspect what the person meant about "it does not matter wht your feeling" is that sobriety has to have a life of its own, i read this everyday from the BB; "In fact, none of these things that I was going through had anything to do with my sobriety; the tides of life flow endlessly for better or worse, both good and bad, and I cannot allow my sobriety to become dependent on these ups and downs of living. SObriety must live a life of its own.
I have been at this board with you a while now and have always been ready to talk with you. If I may make a suggestion; don't be here for others be here for your recovery and reach out ask for help ask for specific things and then listen.
Its a simple program but who said it would be easy?
Get up and get going Vic.
Kevin
Its just another day in recovery thats all it is all this poor poor me is part of our disease, so just keep on going.
I suspect what the person meant about "it does not matter wht your feeling" is that sobriety has to have a life of its own, i read this everyday from the BB; "In fact, none of these things that I was going through had anything to do with my sobriety; the tides of life flow endlessly for better or worse, both good and bad, and I cannot allow my sobriety to become dependent on these ups and downs of living. SObriety must live a life of its own.
I have been at this board with you a while now and have always been ready to talk with you. If I may make a suggestion; don't be here for others be here for your recovery and reach out ask for help ask for specific things and then listen.
Its a simple program but who said it would be easy?
Get up and get going Vic.
Kevin
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
Originally Posted by 51anna
Vic,
I see you go through this pattern again and again. Stop blaming other people. Stop blaming people who have left. There are people here who care about you. I am one of them - do you know that I am here for you?
I see you go through this pattern again and again. Stop blaming other people. Stop blaming people who have left. There are people here who care about you. I am one of them - do you know that I am here for you?
I sure don't want you to take this as another post putting your feelings on trial but I agree with Anna. It's a rollercoaster ride ((vic)) You are learning how to deal with your feelings and that's a huge road to travel, especially when you've begun using early in life and never really learned how to deal with them clean. You must know how much people treasure you and your recovery here at SR.. You get so much love and support here. Right now you're seeing your cup half empty when it's really quite full. If you don't see it then re read all the loving responses to your previous posts..
jeesh, no one ever replies to my threads! OK, so there have only been two.
I currently have two friends undergoing interferon for Hep C. It's not a pretty sight but you will get better and get on with what, in sobriety, is the best possible world you can make of it. All you have to do is not let your past become your future again by picking up.
An attitude of gratitude will make even the worse days of your life better and more likely appear absolutely perfect.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: maumelle ar
Posts: 103
vic, i feel like **** too, so dont go, i know that for myself i dont always have alot of time to **** around on this site, especially during the work week, but when i do i always check up to see how your doing because youve done the same for me. this place wouldnt be the same for me if your not involved.
were here for ya....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
I dunno why I ended up here - I don't think I've ever seen a post by you before, but you've obviously been busy!
When I have periods like you seem to be having I remind myself that my addiction doesn't just come out in my using. It comes out in every way I think and behave. I am a firm believer that my illness is one of self-centredness. Left to its own devices my head will take me off down all sorts of wacky, self-indulgent routes which might be grandiose and self-important one minute, then self-hating and self-pitying the next. That's the nature of my illness - my drinking is only a symptom of that. So, it's great that I freed myself a wee while ago from the chains of drinking. Now what I have to do is free myself, on a daily basis, from the chains of Self. And whenever my head goes like yours, I have to practise hard at gratitude, like Michski says. And I have to practise hard at letting go my resentments and annoyances about other people, because I can't change them. And I have to remember that this is a programme of action, like your friend said.
You've been around here a long time so I'm sure I'm not saying anything you don't know. Just reminding you is all.
Paul
When I have periods like you seem to be having I remind myself that my addiction doesn't just come out in my using. It comes out in every way I think and behave. I am a firm believer that my illness is one of self-centredness. Left to its own devices my head will take me off down all sorts of wacky, self-indulgent routes which might be grandiose and self-important one minute, then self-hating and self-pitying the next. That's the nature of my illness - my drinking is only a symptom of that. So, it's great that I freed myself a wee while ago from the chains of drinking. Now what I have to do is free myself, on a daily basis, from the chains of Self. And whenever my head goes like yours, I have to practise hard at gratitude, like Michski says. And I have to practise hard at letting go my resentments and annoyances about other people, because I can't change them. And I have to remember that this is a programme of action, like your friend said.
You've been around here a long time so I'm sure I'm not saying anything you don't know. Just reminding you is all.
Paul
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
Originally Posted by luckyv2
A lot of self pity going on there! Well anyway I had to get out how I feel. Sometimes though I just probably shouldn't say anything. Anyways thanks everyone.
For most of us learning how to deal with feeling our feelings can be absolutely overwhelming.. you're doing well Vic. Thanks for posting. I'm sure it's helped another to know that it's OK to blurt out even their negative thoughts.
Keeper of the Stars
Join Date: May 2006
Location: A little left of center
Posts: 170
Vic.........
Please don't go...........we need you just as much as you NEED us!
I'm being SELFISH (sure, it is ALL ABOUT ME! lol)............
Your posts are always insightful and purposeful!
Progress not perfection, bro!
Please don't go...........we need you just as much as you NEED us!
I'm being SELFISH (sure, it is ALL ABOUT ME! lol)............
Your posts are always insightful and purposeful!
Progress not perfection, bro!
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Thanks everyone and yep it is all about us really, no one will do this deal for us huh! Anyways I have been going through a lot but what I am learning no matter how hard the lesson is or painful that we don't have to use. I am so used to running from Vic and that is where these reactions come from, now I need to learn how to deal with them differently. I hope that someday I will change.
also another thing is that I have started to finally feel! It has taken 5 months but now I am starting to feel emotions and I am starting to finally be able to shed some tears. That is huge, I didn't think that I would ever be able to cry again. Well anyways just another day
also another thing is that I have started to finally feel! It has taken 5 months but now I am starting to feel emotions and I am starting to finally be able to shed some tears. That is huge, I didn't think that I would ever be able to cry again. Well anyways just another day
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