TexasGirl

After much avoidance of him, he showed up at my office again today. He cried a lot, and of course that made me cry too. He said he needed to know something, that it was too hard the way it was. After a lot of tears, I said I just couldn't do it again, anymore. We talked a little bit about how to split assets, we cried a little more, and then I came home.

*Sigh*

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

mallowcup

We can't help them out of the hole they are in if we climb in the hole with them. No decision has to be forever. It is best for everyone to seperate now, for now. There can be terms and boundaries. I would consider 6 months no contact and one year of sobriety while working a program before filing for divorce. One year. This gives everyone time to heal or not.

denny57

(((tg)))

Minx1969

Maybe file formal separation papers..This is just a legal way of protecting yourself if he runs up any debt - so you are not liable.

you don't have to file for divorce yet..

CarolD

Not all dreams or all loves are forever.

Hugs

mallowcup

It is very tramatizing to make things final when you are already exhausted. He realizies that you really mean it. You realize that you finally really mean it. You both know it can't go in this way any longer. this is why I like the no contact option. He is either going to drink ir go into recovery. Six months is long enough that he isn't going to be able to make some contrived effort. This gives you time to learn to live without him or accept him back on your terms, not his. Sometimes it's just too much to expect of yourself. I think with the idea that something may be possible in 6 months or a year, it will be less likely that you will have an emotional knee jerk reconsiliation.

TexasGirl

Texas doesn't recognize legal separation for whatever reason.

He can't accept no contact...he says it's not how marriage should be. He said he would rather know it's over and try to move on than to be married and not have me with him in some capacity (at least seeing each other and talking). What do you make of that?

He seemed pretty certain with his statement...it's either one or the other. I am happier when I don't see him.

Zoey

So proud of you that you stood your ground. It is very sad he cannot get sober. Lv and Hugs

TexasGirl

That's just it...he says he isn't drinking...says it's been 50 days.

But it's not just about the drinking I guess. It's about getting in trouble when I accidentally track mud in. It's about getting yelled at when I don't cut the onions the way he wants. It's about being called a worthless piece of s*#t. It's about 'intimacy' after I've said no for 30 minutes, and he does it anyway. It's a lot of things I guess. Still makes me sad.....

mallowcup

Well, thats his decision, I suppose his statement could have opened the door to many comments about the way marriage is supposed to be, I'm glad you didn't go there. You will be fine. This is a transition, it is a change. I think he's trying to make it hard on you. He has no business coming to your work to discuss such personal issues. It outs you in a tight spot, but then he knows that doesnt he? He still seems determined to wear you down. play on your emotions. Go forward and don't look back. I would get a lawyer and sever all contact. It does you no good. You need your strenght for other things.

Zoey

PS. I believe we are much happier just with our pets.

Hope you can go with divorce. Who said? was it Denny? We can love and want the best for them, but cannot live like that.

Seems he had and kept his freedom, not very fair.
He may be dry, but you know it takes a long time to get sober.
He has no idea there is so much to learn.

Minx1969

That's a pretty telling statement.

1. Your serenity is busted by his contacting you.

2. He's still not willing to accept his part..

Also - his yelling at you, name calling etc. is ABUSE. and intimacy without your consent is rape.

Not the way you should be living, but I think you see that today.

It's only Friday. You don't have to make any decisions today.

I have learned that unless I am truly peaceful about something, not to make a decision.

jojo

TG -

I have a feeling that you may be reacting this way because he is playing on your emotions and trying to make you feel guilty.

If you can take his feelings and reactions out of the equation and base it solely on what you want and what you think is best for you, you know that you have done the right thing.

Sometimes we put up with things and have unforgiveable things done to us that we can just never forgive. You are doing good TG. Keep moving forward and you will be just fine.

Hugs, Jo

mallowcup

I think sometimes lifes toughest choices have to be made outside of having peace about them. I'm not usre I'd use that as a measure. I'm thinking of people who have to make choices about life support or organ donation. Sometimes we make choices based on faith. I think if we listen to God, we will find the strength to make hard choices. When we go back, we back down. The true courage is in going forward. It is the known vs the unknown. The right choices can be devastatingly painful. They will rock your world. In the light of day, we rise up to a stand and we carry on. I remember crying like a wounded animal howling to my soul. It was a necessary purge. When I recovered and was done mourning, the best days of my life were ahead of me. You are facing your own detox.

denny57

TG, I've been there, too. Don't forget, not drinking doesn't mean sober. Trying to force you to make up your mind when you're not ready - how loving is that? Take good care of yourself. I know how confusing it can be. You said it yourself, you're happier when you don't see him. That's why I stay in no contact.

lillamy

I don't know you, but just based on these few posts, I think that somewhere, you know that you're making the right decision for you. Hard and painful as it may be.

TomsGirl

I am happier when I don't see him.
Read your own words TG. That one sentence you wrote says it all. WE are responsible for our own happiness ... or unhappiness. Ask yourself "Am I happier with him or without him". I have finally made that decision myself. It was time as I had reached the limits of what I could bear. This time TG, think about YOU and only you. There is no crime in doing that. Take care.

Mr. Christian

Hi,
it was 3 years of being apart from my wife before she was served with "D" papers.

I went through Alanon and she went through more drinking and drugs.

In fact the week she did get the papers she got 2 more DUI's and totaled her car.

I guess my point is this:

It's OK to work on your own here for awhile to see how things pan out.
I myself am glad I'm out of the drama, and the last 2 lock ups were a big wake up call to reality in my sitch.

She always said "I" was her problem but after 3 years of no being in the picture, we see how that went.

Take good care of yourself....

mallowcup

He came to you, to your work, that has to stop. He approaches you in an environment where you can't react. I'm sure he needed to talk. He held you hostage at work. Why would he come to your work to bring up such a personal and emotionally charged subject? The display of tears and terms show his lack of repsect for your feelings and your work place. It was a cruel and manipulative thing to do. You say it's harder to be around him than away from him but you seem to have no control about him showing up at your job or any other place you happen to be at. If you need an order of protection to stop him from putting you in this compromising position, do it. The contact is counter productive for both of you. He is trying to wear you down.

CatsTail

You know what TexasGirl, too bad the poor baby can't accept no contact.

wHAT DO i MAKE OF THAT? He's playing a power play and scare tactic. By saying to you he'd rather it just be over he's trying to scare you into backing down.

He has a gall to bring up how marriage "should" be. He should have thought of that before. He's full of crap,not accepting responsibility and still trying to manipulate you so he doesn't have to do anything.

Also TexasGirl, a classic behavior of an A is BLACK OR WHITE thinking, it's either this way or no way. Well stuff that.

Hats off to you if you are happier without him.

Mallowcup made a very good suggestion but if he's too stupid to go that way then that is his problem. They love to shoot themselves in the foot and then blame it on you.

Ngaire