iceteaplease

Hi,

I am a new poster to this forum but have been reading your stories for quite some time. This place has been such a source of encouragement to me over the past couple of years. Thank you so much.

Quick background...I have been married to AH for fifteen years. We have four beautiful children. After our first child was born, we decided that I should give up my career and stay home with them; I eventually began to homeschool them, which has gone very well.

AH first time in rehab was required by his work (he is a successful broker at a large corporation). I was pregnant with my second at the time. He was sober for many years and things were going well.

He decided to start drinking again a couple of years ago and things have been downhill fast from there. Begain behaving irrationally, extremely verbally abusive. He ran up large credit card and IRS debts, unbeknownst to me. Borrowed to the hilt against our retirement fund, unbeknownst to me. Had an affair with someone from AA. His job required him to go to rehab again last fall but there was no subsequent sobriety. He started to develop health problems. The verbal abuse escalated to obscene levels and continues today.

His drinking continued to increase. He often was passed out on the floor in front of the children...I found my little girl trying to dial 911 one afternoon because she couldn't wake him. He has wet himself in front of them and has failed to pick them up at night because he got drunk and got lost. He was spending money right and left and leaving not enough for our family's expenses.

We had an intervention this summer, again through his workplace, and he was in an inpatient facility for several weeks. He came home and began drinking again. They suspended him from work and made him go to outpatient counseling every day. He is now back at work and supposedly "working his program", but our relationship is shot. He refuses to take the counseling that is available to us. He knows that I am a Christian and that my vows are paramount to me, and I think he doesn't believe that I will ever take any action. However, I cannot live any longer hearing every day that I am evil, crazy, a f***ing c**t, and that I should get out of the house. He has threatened me with more affairs because I am repulsive, tells me that I am intellectually inept, and that he has no interest in me. This happens over and over and over. He tells the children that I am perverse because I have started to sleep on the couch and that I am trying to kill him with stress.

I have a meeting with my counselor and pastor tomorrow, who have recommended a temporary separation with a goal of reconciliation, and I have an attorney who will help me with the legal side of this. They feel I have very good grounds for requiring him to leave the home but it is going to be very, very ugly. I feel very sneaky and unkind planning this behind his back. Yes, I go to Al-Anon when I can and am getting help for myself and know that I need to to what is best for the kids, but it makes me literally sick to be doing this. He has total control of our finances and it will not be an easy situation. Then again, it already is awful.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent and to hear from others who may have been in this situation. Thank you so much.

mallowcup

Don't dread it being ugly. It doesn't have to be. Once the legal papers are in place, you leave for the day and he is removed. You return with your kids to a house without him in it. The police serve him with these papers and they escort him out after he gathers his personal things. With an order of protection in place, he is not allowed to contact you in any way, shape or manner. His communication from that point on is through a lawyer. The children need not be aware of any of it. This is an adult matter. I think the tension in your house would be gone with him gone. How about counceling with no anticipated outcome? I say this because you should only do what you want to do and set goals you are comfortable with. To say that the intention would be to reconsile, would imply that if that doesn't happen, it was a failure. It also puts pressure on you to wrok toward an end that may not be something you want anymore once yousort this all out. I think your post strongly implies that you want him out without a big scene. That is certainly possible.

mtmama

I am experiencing a similar situation....with a few major differences. My husband (of 20 years) is just drunk most of the time...no affairs, no verbal abuse, and no interest in any of our financial affairs. He has been in and out of rehab (the first one mandated by his job, too) and out-patient. The longest he has been sober is 5 months. Most of the time, he relapses within a short time of being discharged. He has been to hundreds of AA meetings...has now stopped because he says they don't work for him. LOL. He knew that if he started drinking again that our relationship is over. He started again in July and has been at our second home since then. He says he is there to lessen the stress on me...but we all know he is there to be able to drink in peace. I travelled there to visit him in September and left after 6 days...he is only drinking "in moderation" but it drove me crazy to see him pouring a "moderate" drink at 7am. My daughter is a paralegal and she is helping me draw up papers for a legal separation....I need to get on with my life and can't just keep waiting for him to get sober (which I have been doing for 12 years). I just don't know how to kick him out of our second home...he has no where to go...and is such a sweetheart, except for the constant drinking. He keeps asking me "what have I done wrong?" He doesn't get it. Anyway, I feel awful drawing up these papers behind his back ( I plan to present them to him when I go again to visit him in early Nov.) The thing that bothers me is that when I talk to him (mostly every day), he doesn't sound like he is drinking...and I can tell immediately. Just wanted you to know that I can relate.

marriedithink

Welcome, sorry for what you are going through, but be proud that you are putting your children and yourself first. Don't feel bad for doing it this way, he hasn't given you many options. I agree with Mallowcup...it doesn't have to be as ugly as you think. Stay strong and keep us updated. Good luck to you.

BohemiMamaof3

I am very glad to hear that you are taking the above steps. He is sick and you cannot let that sickness utterly destroy you and the children. Hugs & prayers.

Pick-a-name

No advice.......my story sounds very similar to yours except that he hired the lawyer and just divorced me (52yr;married 27yrs;two children).

Just wanted you to know that I understand your heartbreak,frustration and fear....etc.,etc! Being here has helped me alot and I hope you find that to be the case for you. Things are slowly getting a little bit better for me. I am trying to keep my focus off him and on me and slowly move forward.

hugs and prayers to you.

Keep coming back!

denny57

welcome, icetea, i love your name. it made me smile because when i would order it, AH would talk about how he hates people who order iced tea instead of wine

i'm so sorry you are going through this. i have no children and AH is a writer, but other than that our stories are the same. i was called a c**t more times than i care to recall. same crap about other women because i was lacking.

quackingduck.gif

Please understand it has taken me the whole last year to get to the point where I don't believe a quack that came out of his mouth.

you are doing the absolute right thing to get help for yourself. i felt that guilt, too, about being sneaky and unkind. believe me, it is nothing compared to what AH was doing behind my back.

right now, take care of yourself and your children. please keep posting here. support from people who know exactly what you are going through will help tremendously.

keep us posted on how your sessions go.

((()))

lilac

Welcome. Take the therapy and everything else one day at a time.

iceteaplease

I know that it is probably a wise thing to do but it feels so contrary to everything I am...or was. Why is it so hard?

I know I cannot fix him, or fix our relationship by myself. I also know that it is not possible to live this way without losing all self-respect and possibly putting myself in danger. I know that I do not want this to happen to my own children when they are grown, and that it is a horrible example for them to live with. I have been urged to make this break by my family, my pastor, my counselor, and many of my friends.

So why can't I be more confident about my plans? Why do I keep second guessing it, looking desparately for some other way?

Pick-a-name

Forget other people's "time-table"....do what you need to do for you. JMO

an'ka

It looks like it's a recurrent theme for many of us, spouses of alcoholics, in that we feel guilty about talking about our spouses and making plans "behind their backs." Every time I open my mouth about AH and his drinking or homelessness or unemployment, I feel like I am betraying him somehow. In your post, IceTea, you mentioned being "unkind" about making a move toward legal separation...with all due respect, how would you describe the way HE is treating you and your babies? Blatant disrespect, undermining your authority, compromising his employment, running up debt when you have a family to support. We should all remember the months or years of abuse that WE have to put up with before we become too concerned with the feelings of our dear alcoholic husbands/wives.

denny57

Living with an addict I lost my confidence, and second, third, and fourth guessed myself to death looking for another way. The longer I stayed stuck the worse I got.

Cynay

I mean this in the most loving way. The reason your looking for an easier way is because you are sick with the disease of Alcoholism. If you were healthy you would never accept this unacceptable behavior.

Again in the most loving way..... This is NOT a christian marriage.... being a Christian you are doing God a disfavor by allowing him to treat his prize creation this way (you and the children) ... I dont want to get in a Christian Jagg but If God Created man and sent his only son to die for us.... do you honestly think he will be pleased that we are making a choice to put ourselves in this situation???? Dishornering the most important of his gifts.... life..... What are the three most important things again... (I could be wrong) Peace, Joy and Love and the most important is love..... maybe the most loving thing you could do for everyone is move out of that situation. I know we only do it when we are ready.... maybe your not ready today and that is ok.... but dont mess up your thought process with the "vows" thing.

Ohhh one more thing..... When/if you take action remember that you can have the court garnish his wages so you dont have to deal with him on money either.

Just my thoughts ... take what you like and leave the rest.

AllTooSober

I agree with Cynay but here's another way to look at it too... the marriage isn't a Christian marriage because your husband has broken his vows to love, honor, cherish. A Christian husband is supposed to love his wife as himself, and he's doing neither.

iceteaplease

Sometimes when I wrestle with something I write out pros and cons. This is what I wrote in my journal today. It was very revealing in that most of my fears are probably very deeply based in co-dependency.

Staying: Advantages
Will not rock the boat
Will not further anger him
Will be more convenient for all
Is stable in some sick way
Requires no action on my part apart from endless tolerance

Disadvantages
Does not require him to face the consequences of his actions and will not help him recover
Will not help relationship unless counseling is in place, which I cannot force
Will eventually drive me over the edge and will turn me into an empty shell
Will continue to show children a horrible example, which they may emulate
Will continue to erode my situation financially and emotionally
May well actually endanger me or kids, particularly if it continues to escalate
Will continue to raise family in a very unhealthy environment


Separating: Advantages
Will give me space to breathe, get counseling, and begin to heal
Will relieve the tension in the household
Will halt the financial hemorrhage and vengeful actions
Will potentially lead to counseling which can help us save our family
Will show children that there are some boundaries in life and that I respect myself
If counseling is successful, could be a powerful lesson for the children and others, a real way for God to show His healing powers

Disadvantages
Will be horrible, ugly, painful and difficult for me
Could lead him to divorce me, leaving me a single mother of four children
Will no doubt cause him to manipulate children further
Will be difficult financially and emotionally as well as practically
Makes me feel like I have failed
Will initially add to his unhappiness
Will be embarrassing

Thank you for all of your kind and thoughtful responses. It is amazing to hear from others in similar situations...

Cynay

Well lets take a look at it.

Will not rock the boat: Sure you will cuz he will keep pushing the limit and the worse his disease gets .... just your breathing will rock the boat.

Will not further anger him Same as above

Will be more convenient for all: hurmm... in time it will not be convient for him because of the guilt/shame..... so wait till he need isolation to drink as he pleases? How convient is it for you to keep coming up with excuses for his behavior... or your kids.

Requires no action on my part apart from endless tolerance But it does require action.... you have to take care of it all yourself, you have to make excuses, in time you will have to be careful about what you say/do so you are not "punished" you will have to explain to your doc why you need STD tests every year (if he carries out his threat) etc.

Seperating

Will be horrible, ugly, painful and difficult for me Once you know what you want to do and take action ..... you can control alot of this and it does not have to be.

Could lead him to divorce me, leaving me a single mother of four children I know this sounds mean but the first thing that came to my mind is "only if your lucky and why is this a disavantage?" ... but you are already a single mom of 4 kids.... other then financial and he will still have to be responsible for the children financially.... You will just have to change the lifestyle some. I have been a single mom for 15 year... grant you only one, but your stronger then you think.

Will no doubt cause him to manipulate children further Possible, but then there are choices there too depending on what you want to do. My experience is that once the dust settled he really did not have time for kids.... they get in the way of drinking.

Will be difficult financially and emotionally as well as practically See #2 and its already emotionally difficult and Alcoholism is a progressive disease.


Makes me feel like I have failed Ohhhhh Im guilty of this one..... This is not about you.... this is about him. There is no failure unless you dont learn from it and grow.... This is an inside Job for you.... nothing to do with him.

Will initially add to his unhappiness Well I would certainly hope so... now he is responsible for his actions and does not have a codi to take care of him and clean up the mess.

Will be embarrassing More embarrassing then this??? What about when your kids are older and his disease gets worse???

denny57

Once in awhile someone here posts something that triggers a buried memory. I remember AH saying to me those last months he was here: do you have to breathe so loud? OMG!!!!

AllTooSober

Mine once yelled at me for not breathing loudly enough! LOL

Gemini31

I'm sure any of the ACOA's here will probably echo my sentiment. My mother's situation was almost identical to yours. She finally kicked my father out when I was 3. My siblings and I were RELIEVED. Sure it hurt, but we were glad Mom finally said enough is enough. No more fighting, drunken rages, seeing Dad hungover on the couch - no more trauma. You have to think of what your AH's behavior is doing to your kids. It doesn't make you a bad Christian to leave this sick situation, it makes you a smart, loving one and a good mother by removing him from the home and keeping your kids safe. Guilt? The only person who should feel guilt is your AH, but sadly, he probably never will. Kids deserve a safe, kind and loving environment. They don't need a drunk around to help batter their self esteem and destroy their feeling of solitude.

Unfortunately my mother allowed my father to return into our household for years of more drinking and dysfunction until I was 16. The consequences of this are always present on me and my siblings and it makes me sad as well as angry with my mother for letting it happen. It's taken me years to realize how a normal household functions. For years I thought normal meant shouting, breaking furniture and public drunkiness. Don't let this happen to your kids too.

Good luck to you, I hope that things can work out for you and if you decide to do so, can have him removed in a non-violent or ugly manner as other posters have suggested you can.

Take comfort in knowing that you have a lot of support here.

iceteaplease

What a timely post, thanks.

He just blew up at my young teen, shouting at her, "What the f*&^ are you doing?!" She was shocked. He used to be a total gentleman and never used profanity; that was one of the things that drew me to him. He is totally losing control of his temper. It is much easier for me to see when it is aimed at them.

It is definitely time to step back and reassess our situation. Unfortunately, that will take legal action.