New at this and looking for help and friends
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: KY
Posts: 7
New at this and looking for help and friends
Hello everyone, new comer here. I was looking for an alanon chat room but didn't see one. I am the wife of an alcoholic in denial, we just split up this past friday and I am checking into alanon meetings in search of others out there like me so maybe I can get some help or advise.
Practicing the lion's roar
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
Hi Fallentopieces, I'm glad you found your way here. You'll be amazed at how many people are in/have been in your position and how much support they can give. I'm pretty new here too, still floundering about what to do with my alcoholic fiance (who's also in total denial) so I don't have much wisdom to share personally. All the same, welcome!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, fallentopieces, glad you're here
What worked for me was Al-Anon, individual therapy, open AA meetings, and learning all I could about alcoholism. The more I learned the more I understood what was happening.
Hope you find some meetings in your area. The suggestion is try it at least 6 times before making up your mind. The support here is terrific, and face to face meetings are so valuable.
Keep posting - look forward to hearing your story
What worked for me was Al-Anon, individual therapy, open AA meetings, and learning all I could about alcoholism. The more I learned the more I understood what was happening.
Hope you find some meetings in your area. The suggestion is try it at least 6 times before making up your mind. The support here is terrific, and face to face meetings are so valuable.
Keep posting - look forward to hearing your story
You've found a great place to help figure things out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: KY
Posts: 7
I hope so because right now I have lost my husband to alcohol and I cannot possible understand how anyone could choose at 35 years of age and only 2 1/2 yrs of marriage running around staying drunk over your wife. I just don't understand that. I have done everything to try to keep him happy, but he still runs away to his alcohol. But yet he has told me time after time he doesn't have a drinking problem, he can stop any time he wants to he just doesn't want to right now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... we are glad you found us.
I know its hard to get your head about the "whys" of it. One of the things that helped me know that it really is not about me is a book called "Under the Influence"... Once I got to the place where I understood it was a disease I was able to take it less personally.
Please remember ... You did not cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it.... only he has the power to do something about his disease and unfortunally it takes his hitting "his bottom" before that usually happens. I use theraphy, Al-anon and SR to work on my own recovery..... Also Open AA meetings gave me an inside look that was invaluable.
Read the stickies at the top and stick around. You are really not alone in this struggle.
I know its hard to get your head about the "whys" of it. One of the things that helped me know that it really is not about me is a book called "Under the Influence"... Once I got to the place where I understood it was a disease I was able to take it less personally.
Please remember ... You did not cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it.... only he has the power to do something about his disease and unfortunally it takes his hitting "his bottom" before that usually happens. I use theraphy, Al-anon and SR to work on my own recovery..... Also Open AA meetings gave me an inside look that was invaluable.
Read the stickies at the top and stick around. You are really not alone in this struggle.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Start with reading the stickys at the top of the forum. A book I particularly like which explains the physiology of addiction is "Under the Influence." Understanding addiction helped me understand why for an addict "just saying no" isn't an option.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
For me I used to choose to believe the lies. Living in denial was easier than dealing with the reality of what was really going on. It was easier for me to be a control freak, being totally focused on him...........that way I never had to look at myself. I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it no matter what I did or how hard I tried and I could'nt cure it.
I was left with what I could control and that was me. My behaviors, my reactions to him being a dry drunk, my obsessive thoughts.
I stopped believing the lies and started trusting myself and others who were worthy of my trust.
Things are begining to change in my life because I have been working very hard to change myself. It's difficult, but well worth it. My mood and behaviors are no longer dictated by what he does, how he feels, what he says or doesn't say etc. It does work if you work it. Alanon and therapy as well as the literatue mentioned above and of course SR have been a life saver for me. I have my life back. Keep coming back this place is wonderful, the people here are so wise and caring. (((((hugs))))).
I was left with what I could control and that was me. My behaviors, my reactions to him being a dry drunk, my obsessive thoughts.
I stopped believing the lies and started trusting myself and others who were worthy of my trust.
Things are begining to change in my life because I have been working very hard to change myself. It's difficult, but well worth it. My mood and behaviors are no longer dictated by what he does, how he feels, what he says or doesn't say etc. It does work if you work it. Alanon and therapy as well as the literatue mentioned above and of course SR have been a life saver for me. I have my life back. Keep coming back this place is wonderful, the people here are so wise and caring. (((((hugs))))).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by Fallentopieces
what are the stickie at the top?
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/frie...ly-alcoholics/
and look at the top threads on that page you'll see some names "Sticky". Click on those links to see the information inside.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Missouri
Posts: 261
Fallentopieces welcome to this site. I can't begin to tell you how wonderful this site is. I know exactly how you are feeling right now like so many others on this site. My xbf of 3 yrs has chosen alcohol over me also and it is a very hard thing to understand but you can not change the way he thinks you just have to accept it and get yourself better because I am sure you have been through a lot( we all have). I found this site 3 weeks ago and already I feel better knowing that I am not alone and neither are you. Hang in there and keep posting!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: New England
Posts: 27
Welcome Fallentopieces....it's hard to explain the lying.....I used to 2nd guess what I had just found out or discovered was a lie. example...did he really tell me that was where he was? Maybe I didnt see his truck there...those kinds of things...but it just makes you feel crazy. I realize now he lies and I dont think he even knows he does it. He lies about the stupidest things and I dont understand the reasoning behind it...(because there is none!). You need to take care of yourself 1st and keep reading!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
I learned a LOOOONG time ago not to believe anything that comes out of their mouths. They are con artists and are incredibly manipulative. Everything is someone else's fault. My ex-husband was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. I was a little upset when he re-married, but soon found out that he had just acquired a new punching bag.
Nothing is more powerful than the addiction. Nothing is more important.
I try to not take it personal. It's part of the disease.
I just celebrated my 50th birthday. My so-called boyfriend told me that we couldn't celebrate because he had to work. Well, he didn't work, and instead he spent the night drinking ginger brandy with the neighbors in our garage. Got so drunk that he had to be helped into the house and then passed out on the floor.
I don't believe ANYTHING he says unless I see it for myself. It is a very selfish disease!
At 50, I've realized that the people who have betrayed my trust during my life have ALL been addicts. I have a lot of difficulty trusting people anymore.
Good luck to you and keep coming back.
The people on here are wonderful and understanding!
Nothing is more powerful than the addiction. Nothing is more important.
I try to not take it personal. It's part of the disease.
I just celebrated my 50th birthday. My so-called boyfriend told me that we couldn't celebrate because he had to work. Well, he didn't work, and instead he spent the night drinking ginger brandy with the neighbors in our garage. Got so drunk that he had to be helped into the house and then passed out on the floor.
I don't believe ANYTHING he says unless I see it for myself. It is a very selfish disease!
At 50, I've realized that the people who have betrayed my trust during my life have ALL been addicts. I have a lot of difficulty trusting people anymore.
Good luck to you and keep coming back.
The people on here are wonderful and understanding!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Welcome to the forum, FallenToPieces. Instead of spending your time wondering why your alcoholic husband lies, I think some better questions might be:
Why do we put up with partners who are emotionally unavailable, who drink to excess, who are verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive to us, who are unfaithful to us, and who repeatedly lie to us? And why don't we think we deserve more?
Once you're able to answer these questions for yourself, your life will change dramatically. Mine did. My days of accepting unacceptable behavior are over. I'm a firm believer that we each get the life we think we deserve. Until we learn to love ourselves and come to believe that we deserve more, we'll remain stuck in an unhealthy relationship.
So what worked for me?
Joining this forum, being willing to listen to some harsh criticism about my past behaviors and choices that contributed to my misery, and learning as much as possible about addiction and co-dependency.
Why do we put up with partners who are emotionally unavailable, who drink to excess, who are verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive to us, who are unfaithful to us, and who repeatedly lie to us? And why don't we think we deserve more?
Once you're able to answer these questions for yourself, your life will change dramatically. Mine did. My days of accepting unacceptable behavior are over. I'm a firm believer that we each get the life we think we deserve. Until we learn to love ourselves and come to believe that we deserve more, we'll remain stuck in an unhealthy relationship.
So what worked for me?
Joining this forum, being willing to listen to some harsh criticism about my past behaviors and choices that contributed to my misery, and learning as much as possible about addiction and co-dependency.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I remember a time when I hadn't been here at this site for very long and I was reading the posts that others had left here. I was reading a post and suddenly realized that I was sitting here with tears running down my face! What I had just read could have been written by me! I realized in that moment that I'd finally found a place where there were others that had gone through similar things that I had, people that understood exactly how I felt, and people that really did know what it was like to live with an A. It was a moment that truly changed my life, for as much as people may love and care about us - I realized that unless a person has lived and walked in the life of loving an alcoholic, they really will never understand.
At first, this site may seem overwhelming. There is so much good information here, as well as links to take you to other sites to learn even more. A lot of books will be recommended for you to read. But while it may seem overwhelming, please keep in mind that you didn't find yourself in this situation overnight, therefore it's not going to be fixed overnight either. Recovery is a process, one we must find in our own time. It's not always easy and it's not always quick.
I'm glad you are here. I hope that you will stay and share your journey with us.
At first, this site may seem overwhelming. There is so much good information here, as well as links to take you to other sites to learn even more. A lot of books will be recommended for you to read. But while it may seem overwhelming, please keep in mind that you didn't find yourself in this situation overnight, therefore it's not going to be fixed overnight either. Recovery is a process, one we must find in our own time. It's not always easy and it's not always quick.
I'm glad you are here. I hope that you will stay and share your journey with us.
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