Parents of an addict have questions???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: PA
Posts: 3
Parents of an addict have questions???
We are parents of a recovering addict. Before our child went into recovery she stold money from us, used our credit cards to buy useless stuff, attacked and beat up a sibling that is 14 years old & dated someone who was in jail for 100 days and is now out of jail & dating again.
We told her that she had to move out of our house.....which has been done, but now she feels she is entitled to anything of ours in our home. An example of this is her taking our utensils,groceries we just bought, brass candle sticks, clothes that belong to our other kids & God forbid if she see money laying around here its gone....... etc....... She goes to Alanon meetings everyday & is in college currently. Everything is F this and F that when she talks to us. She accused my husband of stalking her lastnight when we both saw that she was trying to take our stuff!
Do you think changing the locks on our doors will help this situation & or confronting her behavior at her meetings???
We told her that she had to move out of our house.....which has been done, but now she feels she is entitled to anything of ours in our home. An example of this is her taking our utensils,groceries we just bought, brass candle sticks, clothes that belong to our other kids & God forbid if she see money laying around here its gone....... etc....... She goes to Alanon meetings everyday & is in college currently. Everything is F this and F that when she talks to us. She accused my husband of stalking her lastnight when we both saw that she was trying to take our stuff!
Do you think changing the locks on our doors will help this situation & or confronting her behavior at her meetings???
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, stopinsanitynow
Great name! Yes, I think changing the locks might help - worked for me.
Why is she in Alanon instead of AA or NA? Do you both attend Al-Anon?
Keep posting - lots of great experience, strength and hope here.
Great name! Yes, I think changing the locks might help - worked for me.
Why is she in Alanon instead of AA or NA? Do you both attend Al-Anon?
Keep posting - lots of great experience, strength and hope here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
For your own safety and security, you have no choice. Change the locks, put in a security system if you can afford it. Get a safe deposit box, for all valuables and family heirlooms. Change passwords on all email and internet accounts. Change your credit cards. I would also suggest a P.O. Box for your important mail....bills, mortgage, etc.
A last resort is a restraining order. If she dating lowlife, that criminal element may also invite themselves into your home and your life.
You have no choice......for your daughter, there is only the addiction and a feeling that you owe her and its your fault.
Do not feel guilty for protecting yourself. You will be doing her and yourself a favor.
A last resort is a restraining order. If she dating lowlife, that criminal element may also invite themselves into your home and your life.
You have no choice......for your daughter, there is only the addiction and a feeling that you owe her and its your fault.
Do not feel guilty for protecting yourself. You will be doing her and yourself a favor.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: KY
Posts: 7
How do you deal with a spouse constantly lieing and going behind your back and hiding things. So with that said the trust has been blow out the window, how do you deal with a marriage with no trust but yet he keeps telling me you have to trust me.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Do you think changing the locks on our doors will help this situation
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Faith~Hope~Love
Posts: 963
Hi (((StopInsanity))) and welcome!
When we made our son leave 5 years ago, we took his keys. Changing the locks would serve the same purpose. I also learned that as long as I tolerated disrespectful behavior (and I did), my sons would continue to treat me that way. It took a loooonnnnnngggggg time, but I started putting boundaries in place. If there was cursing or the blame game, I cut the conversation short. As I changed, so did our relationship, for the better.
I would encourage you to read the stickies at the top of this forum and also check out the naranon forum. There are a lot of moms there who are also dealing with an addicted child.
hugs ~
deedee
When we made our son leave 5 years ago, we took his keys. Changing the locks would serve the same purpose. I also learned that as long as I tolerated disrespectful behavior (and I did), my sons would continue to treat me that way. It took a loooonnnnnngggggg time, but I started putting boundaries in place. If there was cursing or the blame game, I cut the conversation short. As I changed, so did our relationship, for the better.
I would encourage you to read the stickies at the top of this forum and also check out the naranon forum. There are a lot of moms there who are also dealing with an addicted child.
hugs ~
deedee
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: PA
Posts: 3
Denny 57 Thanks
I'm sorry I meant she attends AA meetings. I haven't gone to any meetings because my schedule is full due to my other children & their busy activities.
I was told about Alanon and their meetings with parents of recovering addicts.
I know that the program says to not support them (the addict) by paying bills etc... but she is a college student so we do pay for her rent etc...
She trully feels like we owe her everything,..........she even tried to carry out a coffee table of ours. I told her that she is a poor college student right now... & if she really needs a coffee table to go to Goodwill or the Salvation Army for one. We have also told her that if this guy ends up living with her, he will have to pay rent also.........as soon as he is able to get a job???? This I feel is going to be really difficult for him due to him being in jail. Both her father & I have told her that if this is the life & love she chooses for herself, she is in for a lifetime of heartache. A lifetime of heartache that neither her father nor I want to be a part of.
My biological father was & is an active alcholic. The very last time I saw him was 10 years ago (my mother had just died within a year of this)) He managed to ruin my Christmas by being drunk and bedridden in our guest room in our home for 4 days!!! I haven't talked to him since then so its not hard for me to keep my distance from my own child. I am not an enabler & I'm not codependant either.
My 2 cousins in my family are both on methadone for the past 15 years! I wittnessed how their drug addictions effected my aunt & uncle and still do to this day because they are living with them! My uncle once claimed retirement but this was short lived due to them living in their home he went out and got a job to support these guys! I wittnessed this for years & I refuse to do this to our family. Both of my cousins are 50 years old & living at home driving to a methodone clinic everyday! I know drug addiction is a disease but I am not willing to allow my child to destroy our life and her siblings life either. We have a limit to how much we can support her financially & emotionally.
We are detached from her to a point....when she is out of school which will happen Jan. 2007, she is to get a job & pay for her own living expenses. For her sake I hope this occurs. Believe me I'm not in denial about her addictions for I know all too well what these addictions can do to families & loved ones.
I'm sorry I meant she attends AA meetings. I haven't gone to any meetings because my schedule is full due to my other children & their busy activities.
I was told about Alanon and their meetings with parents of recovering addicts.
I know that the program says to not support them (the addict) by paying bills etc... but she is a college student so we do pay for her rent etc...
She trully feels like we owe her everything,..........she even tried to carry out a coffee table of ours. I told her that she is a poor college student right now... & if she really needs a coffee table to go to Goodwill or the Salvation Army for one. We have also told her that if this guy ends up living with her, he will have to pay rent also.........as soon as he is able to get a job???? This I feel is going to be really difficult for him due to him being in jail. Both her father & I have told her that if this is the life & love she chooses for herself, she is in for a lifetime of heartache. A lifetime of heartache that neither her father nor I want to be a part of.
My biological father was & is an active alcholic. The very last time I saw him was 10 years ago (my mother had just died within a year of this)) He managed to ruin my Christmas by being drunk and bedridden in our guest room in our home for 4 days!!! I haven't talked to him since then so its not hard for me to keep my distance from my own child. I am not an enabler & I'm not codependant either.
My 2 cousins in my family are both on methadone for the past 15 years! I wittnessed how their drug addictions effected my aunt & uncle and still do to this day because they are living with them! My uncle once claimed retirement but this was short lived due to them living in their home he went out and got a job to support these guys! I wittnessed this for years & I refuse to do this to our family. Both of my cousins are 50 years old & living at home driving to a methodone clinic everyday! I know drug addiction is a disease but I am not willing to allow my child to destroy our life and her siblings life either. We have a limit to how much we can support her financially & emotionally.
We are detached from her to a point....when she is out of school which will happen Jan. 2007, she is to get a job & pay for her own living expenses. For her sake I hope this occurs. Believe me I'm not in denial about her addictions for I know all too well what these addictions can do to families & loved ones.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Stopinsanitynow
I haven't gone to any meetings because my schedule is full due to my other children & their busy activities.
I was told about Alanon and their meetings with parents of recovering addicts.
I know that the program says to not support them (the addict) by paying bills etc... but she is a college student so we do pay for her rent etc...
I was told about Alanon and their meetings with parents of recovering addicts.
I know that the program says to not support them (the addict) by paying bills etc... but she is a college student so we do pay for her rent etc...
Also, someone working their program (AA in her case) wouldn't, in my opinion, be saying F this and F that to her parents who are supporting her way through school. Maybe someone else here will come along and fill me in on that.
I am not a parent, but I attend a huge parents meeting here and I hear just how hard it can be because of the parent/child bond. I can ony imagine what it is like for you.
Keep posting - so glad you are here - let us know what you decide about the locks and how that works out.
((()))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: PA
Posts: 3
Many parents support their children through school.......we supported her before she became an addict. Many parents pay for their child's room & board & stopping this all together would only hurt her further & slow down her progress (thats the way we feel about this particular issue). She was able to go to classes etc......she didn't want to have to quit school........
Setting a boundary is good........I like that advice......I didn't say we will carry the boyfriends load......he just got out of jail last week, is seeing his PO too & currently looking for employment.
His parents will not support him emotionally, physically, or financially either. Our daughter has been warned about this guy and her risking her sobriety to be living with him is insane.but she is choosing this type of life!
As far as the quote you posted of mine...........I have other children that have a life too..........I'm not about to ruin our life or theirs because our daughter has a problem. I will attend some meetings soon enough.
Thanks for your interest.
Setting a boundary is good........I like that advice......I didn't say we will carry the boyfriends load......he just got out of jail last week, is seeing his PO too & currently looking for employment.
His parents will not support him emotionally, physically, or financially either. Our daughter has been warned about this guy and her risking her sobriety to be living with him is insane.but she is choosing this type of life!
As far as the quote you posted of mine...........I have other children that have a life too..........I'm not about to ruin our life or theirs because our daughter has a problem. I will attend some meetings soon enough.
Thanks for your interest.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
You've been given some good advice. Protect yourselves and your other children. My Abrother stole everything he could get his hands on from anyone who was in his life. When he was in college he maxed out our parent's credit cards, he lied to unsuspecting relatives about needing money for costly auto repairs... I would not support her so long as she's using, even the paying for college, and esp. the rent. With her lying, stealing and violence, she is beyond the carless, expirmental stage, she is behaving like an addict. You would be better off saving any financial support for college and otherwise, postphoning it until she has a proven track record of being sober and on the path to recovery. Put that money in a CD or something until that time she's well enough to use it, or use it for a good re-hab facility.
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