DespHouswife

Hi

I've been off and on here for awhile now.... I know I'm a classic enabler...I've learned that much. I hate to be by myself and I hate to admit defeat, and I've justified staying with an alcoholic who is just not interested in genuine personal growth- at least not now. She can talk the talk- but if I had a dollar for every time I heard "this might not be forever" (in reference to sobriety) I'd be driving a Ferrari!

In a nutshell: I've been with my A for almost 3 years. Virtually the last 2 years solid have been a non stop cycle: she drinks, something bad happens, she gets very remorseful, apologizes, begs, promises to work the AA program, then drinks again, I take her back every time, and round and round we go. She has sworn to get her life straight more times than I can count. If you ignore the alcohol, she's a nice person. A good hearted person, and that makes this even harder.

Her whole family lives nearby and are all severe active alcoholics. She refuses to establish boundaries with them. And they play a role in 90% of her
relapses. They are mentally abusive and dysfunctional, not to mention endlessly needy, but they provide some weird comfort zone for her.

She's been going to AA, but won't get a sponsor. She alternates between being a 'butt in a chair' and actually participating.

She's been unemployed for 4 months, and there is no reason why she can't work. She could find a job in less than a week, but never made the first phone call.

Since I started a new job (with long hours) because I wasn't making enough at my old job to support my family without her working too, she's been drinking during the day while I'm away and lying about it.

I know I am the Consumate Enabler... After a LOT that I will leave out .... I finally threw her out this week.

Here's what I'm wondering about.... when she left, she stole all of my son's birthday money. He's 7, and discovered it this morning. He was very hurt and
angry, and wanted to call and leave her a message and tell her that. I let him do it.

I think he was more upset about who took the money, than the money actually being taken. He really loves her, and I think he felt violated and betrayed, and was very frustrated. I thought he was entitled to his feelings and that she needed to hear the pain that her action caused, so when he asked me to do it, I dialed her number and let him leave a message.

I just got a message back from her, about what an abominable person I am for "putting him up to that call" and "telling him to say those things."

I didn't tell him to say anything. She says I am incredibly cruel and should be completely ashamed of myself.

Should I?

She could have told me she took the money and I could have headed off him finding it... but she didn't. She claims she needed it to live on because she didn't have anything- but I had put money in her bank account the week before. It's not his fault, and I know my son is a child, but he has the right to speak his mind when he's been wronged.

Am I way off base, and/or totally deluded? Did I just mess with my child's head? I didn't mean to.... Was I as unconscionably cruel to her by letting him do that as she says I was?

Or am I being manipulated once again by a clever alcoholic pushing the 'bad parent' button that she knows upsets me.

I really want to know, because if I did the wrong thing I'll be the first to step up and admit it.... I just honestly don't know at this point.

Oh I am so angry I don't know what to do with myself right now. I am just praying I have the strength to let her be, and let her deal with her own problems for a change.

thanks for reading my rant

kermit

Manipulated... My children often tell their Dad what they think and how they feel. He blames it all on me.Yes, it hurts but you owe her no explanation to why he called. Just know that he wanted to do. You didn't mess up your kid. You would be messing him up if you let her stay,
I have a 4,7and 16yr old and I think it is healthy that they tell their Dad "off' My 16yr old has done a number on her Dad. Just to see that he continues to lie to her. I think it is helpful to the kids. So don't buy into it.
One thing I Know is that I'm a good Mom and none Not even My AH will take that away. I won't let him. Don't let her take that away from you.
Sorry i just got a little mad reading your post. Why let her make you doubt yourself? (I do it all the time)

Cynay

Well the easy way to answer this is by looking inside.

What was your motivation for allowing the call?

Did you want to hurt her? Did you want your child to be validated? Just look at the inside reasons and you will have your answer.

Even if the very worse is that you wanted her to hurt.... that does not make you a bad parent.... that just means you made a mistake and a mistake does not define your whole parenting hon.

StandingStrong

.

Your son asked to call and you allowed him to do so. You felt he was entitled to his feelings and needed to vent his pain and feelings.
This does not make you a bad parent.

I'd wager to guess that she was angry at having to hear the truth. Angry that her enabler (you) weren't covering up for her and taking care of son and keeping her out of it. Most A's don't like having to face the consequences of their actions, let alone take responsibility for it.

You are not a bad parent. You did what you felt was the best thing.

Having 3 kids (all teenagers), I've also experienced backlash from my A in regards to how my kids feel. My A tells people that I put thoughts and ideas into my kid's heads. Guess he doesn't realize after a lifetime - and being old enough to see things themselves - that they can think and feel for themselves. It's easier for him to blame me than face himself.

What's done is done. Now it's time to really focus on you and the kids and get your lives healthy. One day at a time.

Grasshopper

Hi,sounds to me,that you are putting yourself in the middle here.Your son wanted to tell her things,but"you" dialed the phone number,then you get a blast,from the other party for doing so.I use to be in the middle also,but for my own sanity,eventually got out of it quickly.Its between them,not me,and no more am i in the middle of what goes on between my hub and our sons,im out of it.I play no part in it,no matter how they wanted me to get involved,with their stuff.Im no longer the bouncing ball,getting banged around.When,my, son wanted to say things,let him say it when he can,without any involement from me.
Thanks for letting me share,how it works for me,
my prayers for you and ytour family,
God Bless,you all.

StandingStrong

Grasshopper, I did wonder about WHY the son couldn't dial the number himself. I guess I wasn't sure if the child knew the number. ???

I used to want to "be in the know" of what was going on with my children and their Dad. I wanted to know so that I could be there to help ward off and console my children's feelings. I found that like grasshopper mentioned, I was involving myself in a relationship that was between the children and their Dad. I needed to remove myself from that so that my kids could come to their own conclusions.
Parenting children is never easy, adding an addict in the mix just makes things harder in so many ways.

DespHouswife

thanks for all the insights- gives me a lot to think about.

to answer a few questions... he didn't know the number, and isn't familiar with my cell phone- that's why I dialed for him.

He didn't say anything terrible, he told her he was "really really really sad and frustrated" and that I had given him some money to replace it that he wanted her to pay me back. That was pretty much it.

As to my motivation. That was a good question. I had to think. When all that happened yesterday morning I was just furious- truly. So angry.... and absolutely, yes, I confess, that I did want her to feel some of the pain she caused.

I'm retracing my steps: I was pissed that 5 minutes before he had to walk out the door to school, he was bawling his eyes out... Calming him down was a process though- first we looked around to make sure that the money hadn't been set somewhere else, then he cried more because all his money that he'd been saving was gone; I tried to think fast and decided to give him the money out of my own cash stash. He asked if I'd be getting my money back and I told him I hoped so. Then he started crying again, this time saying he couldn't believe she would take it. Then we got in the car to drive to school. Partway there he asked if he could call her on my phone and tell her something.

I don't think I would have been comfortable telling him 'no.' at that point, but I honestly did derive a little satisfaction from knowing she was going to have to listen to that. So that's the long answer.

Maybe I would have tried to protect her feeling s a little more if she hadn't already driven me to the very very end of my rope. Lord knows I've protected them in the past. And I would have questioned the wisdom of not allowing him to call.

thanks

Cynay

I dont think you should worry about protecting HER feelings ..... the only person you have to worry about is you and your son.

Usually what I do especially when Im that angry and hurt is wait. Pershaps saying something like "I understand your feelings son, and we will figure out together how to handle this after school when we have both had some time to think and decide what we want to say or do"

I know I got satsfaction when my daughter was so angery with her father... I honestly thought he deserved it .... and I still do. BUT in the long run, regardless of what he has done, its is still much healthier for her to have her father in her life so I had to learn to keep my mouth shut. I dont make excuses for him, but when she is disrespectful toward him I correct her ... explaining she is entitled to her feeling and to express them but only respectfully.... I wont listen to anything else. I have done alot of comforting because of this and it rips my heart out.... but then being a mother she is always tearing at my heart anyway....

mallowcup

My boys recieved a birthday card from their father every year. He never sent it, I did. I would have replaced the money without the kids knowing it was stolen. The theft would have been so vicseral, it would have hit so hard to my core, she would never step foot in my house again. I think it is a real measure when a mother steals from her child and has an attitude about it. You simply can't spin it any other way. It is what it is. I may not have done it the ay you did, but Our kids need to know that they have one reliable parent. The need validation that their anger is absolutley justified. If the children knew she took the money and you made nay kind of excuse what so ever, they would start minimizing these things. You would be teaching them to enable. When the time comes for them to pick a mate, they would overlook huge red flags because they would have been desensatized to what is Ok and what isn't.

Kywoman

I agree that some things should not be handled in the moment of emotion as it leads to regrets, but in the same breath, I want to point out that her actions caused his reaction, not yours.

If she was still there, she would have seen his reaction. In a way, I feel that you did nothing wrong. And I am not surprised that she turned that around. It seems that the A's that I know always blame everyone else for everything, no responsibility is taken for their own actions. That part frustrates me extremely.

I cannot say whether you did the right thing or not by allowing him to call. How is he now? Does he seem to regret calling her?

mallowcup

This may have been exactly the right thing to do. My sons had their own kind of trouble as a result of having an alcoholic father. My youngest did get counceling when he was a preteen. He was 6 months old when his father go the boot. Apparently, in his fathers eyes that meant his didn't exist. Over the couse of about 12 visits of counceling, my son was so frustrated he didn't want to go. The terrible thing was he had so hoped it would make him feel better. Children feel helpless, so maybe allowing your child to call and verbalize his anger will help him let it go. The councelor would ask my son how he felt and if my son even hinted something made him angry, she would almost scold him for his feelings as if to invailidate his feelings. I wasn't impressed. I wish she had validated his anger and then helped him to deal with it in a more constructive manner. Anger isn't wrong. Accepting the unacceptable to avoid it is wrong. Once we gag kids from sharing their feelings, they stop talking and then they really get angry.

Pick-a-name

I see no reason why HER feelings should have been protected in this. THAT ("protective behavior") is an area that I spent way too much time doing...and it was not one bit helpful; to any of us. My kids and I suffered from it and it helped my AH to go merrily along with no consequences for HIS behavior because I/WE were feeling them all instead. Of course he didn't think his drinking and behavior was causing any problems...because it WASN'T causing HIM any....

From everything you say, I think it was all handled very well;JMHO.

What your son said was not cruel. It was straight-forward and also quite appropriate. Two adults in that situation would be well to act that rational. Again, my opinion.

It's hard,especially when are kids are the ones whose hearts are breaking,etc. You and your son sound as if you are doing the right thing. Don't listen to the "quack"!

FriendofBill

Ready for Alanon yet?

LongStrangeTrip

This whole situation brings those thoughts back into my head of what makes them drink and in 12 years, I came at my AH from every possible angle.

If I chastized him...he drank.

If I tried to make him feel guilty...he drank.

If I faught with him....he drank.

If I ignored his behaviors....he drank.

I think once we are able to understand that the things we do or say to them only make us or our children feel better, we can let go. I feel like this, if it made your son feel better to get his feelings out to the person who upset him, that is a good thing.
Often times we've all heard the saying..."It didn't solve anything but it sure made ME feel better!"
When we confront the alcoholic in our lives, it will most likely only make us feel better because odds are, they KNOW they do shameful things and until they are ready to get help, they'll drink and do more shameful things.