Interesting session...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Interesting session...
I had a really interesting session with my doc today. I guess we were talking about keeping people happy…my need to please. I said that I work very hard to keep everyone happy, and he said, “No, you work very hard to keep everyone else happy.” Good point. But this is where it gets interesting. He wondered why it was that I was having trouble telling him to cut it out with the 21 calls. He said, “Do you want to get 21 phone calls every day?” I definitively answered no. He asked what the problem was then. After much talking in circles, I finally said quite simply, “If I tell him to leave or stop calling, I’m going to cry. Whereas if I can just wait him out and ignore it, I won’t.” In other words, I absolutely do not want to be the bad guy. I’d rather wait him out and ignore his ranting in my own home than have to tell him to stop. He reminded me that that's not the "grown-up" way to handle things.
It gets more interesting. As the appointment was ending, he asked me when I would like to come back. As I always do, I said, “Whenever you can is fine.” He asked if I wanted it to be in 1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, whatever. I usually say, whenever, and so he schedules whenever. But he waited. And that’s where I freaked out. It was weird. When I’m uncomfortable, I laugh. It’s annoying, but I do (remember my Dr. Laura transcript???). So I was laughing uncontrollably. I didn’t know what to answer. So he just turned away from his computer and just waited. I laughed even harder to the point of tears. Then I was crying and laughing, but I wasn’t sure which. I think I was crying. I wanted to come back in one week because I look forward to going so much. I gain SO MUCH perspective. But I think that two weeks is the standard, and I don’t want to monopolize his time or look weird for wanting to come so often. This literally went on for 3 minutes, me laughing/crying and trying to tell him when I wanted to come back. I finally, finally said 1 week. It was unbelievably difficult for me to tell him that…for me to tell him what I wanted with no consideration of his feelings. That last 3 minutes was probably the most invaluable so far. I think he got a pretty clear picture of just how hard it is for me to say what is best for me. I guess I just wanted to share.
It gets more interesting. As the appointment was ending, he asked me when I would like to come back. As I always do, I said, “Whenever you can is fine.” He asked if I wanted it to be in 1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, whatever. I usually say, whenever, and so he schedules whenever. But he waited. And that’s where I freaked out. It was weird. When I’m uncomfortable, I laugh. It’s annoying, but I do (remember my Dr. Laura transcript???). So I was laughing uncontrollably. I didn’t know what to answer. So he just turned away from his computer and just waited. I laughed even harder to the point of tears. Then I was crying and laughing, but I wasn’t sure which. I think I was crying. I wanted to come back in one week because I look forward to going so much. I gain SO MUCH perspective. But I think that two weeks is the standard, and I don’t want to monopolize his time or look weird for wanting to come so often. This literally went on for 3 minutes, me laughing/crying and trying to tell him when I wanted to come back. I finally, finally said 1 week. It was unbelievably difficult for me to tell him that…for me to tell him what I wanted with no consideration of his feelings. That last 3 minutes was probably the most invaluable so far. I think he got a pretty clear picture of just how hard it is for me to say what is best for me. I guess I just wanted to share.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
(hugs)
Yeah if you tell him to stop of course you'll cry. Because saying it brings a sense of finality to the situation, whereas ignoring it still leaves the door just a little bit open. Which is what I do, so I can relate.
You're making important realizations and learning mroe and more about yourself-- as evidenced by the last part of your story. It's a process and I think you are doing you part beautifully.
Yeah if you tell him to stop of course you'll cry. Because saying it brings a sense of finality to the situation, whereas ignoring it still leaves the door just a little bit open. Which is what I do, so I can relate.
You're making important realizations and learning mroe and more about yourself-- as evidenced by the last part of your story. It's a process and I think you are doing you part beautifully.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
That's fantastic, TG! You should really be so proud of yourself lately. You are on a great journey and I'm so happy for you.
Even when I'm told how great the rewards will be, it's still so damn hard.
((()))
I'm thinkin he's not the only one!
Even when I'm told how great the rewards will be, it's still so damn hard.
((()))
I think he got a pretty clear picture of just how hard it is for me to say what is best for me.
Last edited by denny57; 10-12-2006 at 12:42 PM.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 14
I know exactly how you feel Texas Girl!! My therapist is always pointing out to me the fact that I am always trying to please everyone else but me, I know that I just want to feel loved by everyone. As far as man goes I know that when I'm in that situation I feel powerful and he's on the needy end. When hes obsessive I'm strong and it feels good. It is a crazy game, I am guilty of it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
texasgirl
thanks for sharing. your post moved me...struck a deep chord. after so many years of smoothing things over, doing for others what they could not or would not do for themselves, after years of shoving our needs and wants into the bottom of the barrell, after so many years of the insanity of addiction, after so many years of enduring the abuse and agony of the disease......when someone asks us such a simple question like you were asked, it's like panic time.
"who cares what i want", "i don't know what i like to do....what difference does it make", "leave me alone...quit asking me stuff that don't matter"....these are all responses i had to my group in the beginning.
and like you, i will laugh when nervous....drives me nuts too.
it's like...damn, gotta make things right with a happy face..
thanks so much for sharing
god bless
jeri
thanks for sharing. your post moved me...struck a deep chord. after so many years of smoothing things over, doing for others what they could not or would not do for themselves, after years of shoving our needs and wants into the bottom of the barrell, after so many years of the insanity of addiction, after so many years of enduring the abuse and agony of the disease......when someone asks us such a simple question like you were asked, it's like panic time.
"who cares what i want", "i don't know what i like to do....what difference does it make", "leave me alone...quit asking me stuff that don't matter"....these are all responses i had to my group in the beginning.
and like you, i will laugh when nervous....drives me nuts too.
it's like...damn, gotta make things right with a happy face..
thanks so much for sharing
god bless
jeri
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
TG this is great. Your Dr is trying to get you to PUT YOU FIRST. It certainly is about time. Sounds like you have AN EXCELLENT counselor there!!!!!
Maybe time to finally set up that priority list for yourself:
Higher Power first.
Then yourself.
Then those around you in order of importance to you.
You see without HP and my serenity there is NO WAY I can be of any use to anyone else.
It took me the longest damn time to start doing this, but I was absolutely amazed at what started to happen when I did. First I had to stand in front of the mirror at home and practice, yes practice, just saying NO. Sheesh, now that was the hardest thing for me. Finally I was able to use it in a small way with a person who was always asking me for help and advice and then not following it, lol. I simply said "no, I cannot do this anymore." and walked away. Scared, you bet I was scared. She responded "oh, ok, sorry to have bothered you." Our whole relationship changed after that and we actually talked about every day mundane things instead of her lastest chaos. rofl.
Slowly I came to understand that my 'people pleasing' (ass kissing) was so that people would 'like' me. And with that understanding also came the knowledge that what other people think of me is absolutely NONE OF MY BUSINESS. What my HP and myself think of me is all that matters. WOW what a revelation!!!
So, sounds to me TG like some major breakthroughs were made today by you. This is really great!!!!!! One of these days very soon, you will be able to tell the AH NO. Enough is enough. Stop calling or I will file 'harassment" charges.
Thank you for sharing and in the process showing just how much you are growing and changing. I love it!!!!!!!!!!!! It is such a blessing to come on these forums and read post after post and then.........................see in the poster's words the changes that are occuring and they are not even aware of it. WOW. It's like watching time elapse photography of a flower bud starting to open. IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
You keep trudging TG you are growing every day, even if you don't see it yet.
Love and hugs,
Maybe time to finally set up that priority list for yourself:
Higher Power first.
Then yourself.
Then those around you in order of importance to you.
You see without HP and my serenity there is NO WAY I can be of any use to anyone else.
It took me the longest damn time to start doing this, but I was absolutely amazed at what started to happen when I did. First I had to stand in front of the mirror at home and practice, yes practice, just saying NO. Sheesh, now that was the hardest thing for me. Finally I was able to use it in a small way with a person who was always asking me for help and advice and then not following it, lol. I simply said "no, I cannot do this anymore." and walked away. Scared, you bet I was scared. She responded "oh, ok, sorry to have bothered you." Our whole relationship changed after that and we actually talked about every day mundane things instead of her lastest chaos. rofl.
Slowly I came to understand that my 'people pleasing' (ass kissing) was so that people would 'like' me. And with that understanding also came the knowledge that what other people think of me is absolutely NONE OF MY BUSINESS. What my HP and myself think of me is all that matters. WOW what a revelation!!!
So, sounds to me TG like some major breakthroughs were made today by you. This is really great!!!!!! One of these days very soon, you will be able to tell the AH NO. Enough is enough. Stop calling or I will file 'harassment" charges.
Thank you for sharing and in the process showing just how much you are growing and changing. I love it!!!!!!!!!!!! It is such a blessing to come on these forums and read post after post and then.........................see in the poster's words the changes that are occuring and they are not even aware of it. WOW. It's like watching time elapse photography of a flower bud starting to open. IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
You keep trudging TG you are growing every day, even if you don't see it yet.
Love and hugs,
Practicing the lion's roar
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
Originally Posted by RC2
When hes obsessive I'm strong and it feels good. It is a crazy game, I am guilty of it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
(((TexasGirl))) I am proud of you. It is very hard to put yourself first, I know because I never put myself first.........I never want to hurt anybody's feeling or put anyone out. I know it's hard, you are doing good ! ! !
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 14
This is my view on how I feel and why I am such a people pleaser. I know that I need aproval from everyone and anyone. We want everyone else to feel like we deserve the best and that we are awsome, but the person who really needs to feel that way is us. We are so controlled by how others see us that how we see ourselves is not good enough. I know that I need constant reassurance that I am a great person, but I constantly need it from other people. I could go on and on about this, my therapist and I have been working very hard on this issue.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: still looking
Posts: 128
TG, thank you for sharing this with us. I am still struggling with the same types of issues. Half ( maybe more) of the time, i don't even KNOW what I think, feel or want, because I've concentrated so long on pleasing everyone else and making sure THEIR needs and wants were met.
It's very difficult for me to go day to day not wanting approval from others. I constantly feel the need for validation. Why can I not just validate my own feelings?
It's very difficult for me to go day to day not wanting approval from others. I constantly feel the need for validation. Why can I not just validate my own feelings?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
