DESIGNER

I had a bad day today. I hate that some days I am ok and others I could cry all day long. I am upset because I talked to the ex last week and I was upset and crying to him about not understading what happened and he cut me short because he had to go into work. He told me that he would call me later on in the week when he could talk to me longer. Well it has been a week and I have not heard from him. This is somone that at one point in the relationship could not live without me and now it is as though I have been forgotten. I don't really want him back I just want to talk to him about things. I deserve that after all that I did for him. God I gave him 3 yrs of my life with the last year being completly horrible because he could not put down the bottle.
The reason that I am upset is because I found out through his best friend(who i work with) that he was out saturday night enjoying himself-and yes drunk. I am mad because I am the one who was there for him and stood by his side through thick and thin(rehab included) and I get nothing in the end. I am only 26 yrs old but I wasted my time on helping him when I could have been planning a wedding and having children( which is my dream) instead of dealing with his crap. I wanted to leave a yr ago but we had an apartment together and a lease and no where else to go.
I am also angry because he lives now with 3 other guys and he has all of these friends around him 24/7 where as I am in the situation where all my girlfreinds are married with children and they are not always available to go out with. While I was at home by myself on sat night he was out having fun and having the time of his life. What about me?? How can someone say they love you so much and then just forget about you and everything that you did for them. I had my anger at times but God I was such a good girlfriend. Why do some people feel that they can treat others like this and then just leave them with all the hurt and sorrow.I am jealous because he got what he wanted and all I get is the heartache of being alone. I am also mad because the past few times I have talked to him he was telling me how good he is doing( which means holding a job-finally and only drinking on the weekends) which that is all I asked of him for so long and now he is doing it. I also believe that his family thinks that he is doing so much better now that we are not together. They loved me being apart of thier family. They had become my family too and we went through a lot together. They used to always tell my xbf that he needed to straighten up because he had a good girl and he was going to lose me. They saw the horrible things he was doing to us and they always were so concerned about me. His mom and dad both told me that they thought of me as thier daughter and that they loved me like a daughter but I have not heard from any of them since we broke up.(its been 2 months). All I want is a phone call to say hey how are you doing-we are thinking of you. I don't have to keep in contact with them-just a phone call. Instead I hear about the nice BBQ/birthday party that they threw for him. Gosh i am a little confused. If I had a son and my son had done this to a girlfriend that they" loved like a daughter" i would not want nothing to do with him for a while. It is almost like they have forgotten the past. Why can I just not forget the past and why am I jealous of him??? Please help me understand myself right now. I am so sad right now and just overwhelmed with sadness, pain and loneliness. Why is he never alone???
I am starting to wonder if any of them including xbf really did care for me or love me at all.

blizzard77

Your situation sounds a lot like mine five years ago. My AB (who is now my AH) broke up with ME because I didn't fit into HIS lifestyle. He was in college and at 30 living the life of a 20 yr old. He lived with me but I kicked him out only for him to move in with 3 other guys who were all his drinking buddies, and boy did they drink. They hated me. I was the responsible one with a good job a house and didn't really mesh with them although I tried on several occasions. Without going into a long drawn out story he was having fun all the time and I was home by myself wishing I was with him. Why? I didn't have a clue back then but now I know that I felt like nothing without him and no one else could take his place. In short, I had a very low self esteem and didn't have any boundries. I just wanted him back and I went to great lengths to get him back. We moved 800 miles away, he got a job after graduating and we got married. The drinking never stopped, he just drank at home alone because he had no friends here at first. Then, he started making friends (pot heads, drunks) and the problems got worse. I continued to live in denial, he was bringing in money and he was with me (secretly, I would look at him and think:what the hell was I thinking?). Eventually, after a fast spiraling addiction to opiates and the loss of a job he went to rehab and got sober. Ironically, it's him who now feels he can't live without me and me who wanted out. I do love him and always have but there's so much pain and anger to get through. We are in therapy and things are getting better, slowly but only time will tell if our marriage can be saved.
Moral of My Story: Don't stay home and isolate yourself go out even if it's alone to a movie. Don't let your mind obsess over what he's doing, what he's done to you, what he hasn't done or appreciated in you. It's self sabotage and it got me to where I am today. If I had the choice to make over again knowing what I know now I would've chosen me. I know what you're feeling, I've BTDT. I'm ashamed for not wanting and demanding better for myself. Hang in there. I know it's difficult and you hurt and it sounds like you may still love him but, girl you have to BELIEVE you deserve better. YOU REALLY DO!!!

DESIGNER

Blizzard thank you for the reply. I know that I deserve better than that but it is just so hard. I live in the same apartment we live in, I go to the same church as his brother and sister-in-law,I work with 2 of his good friends( who still think of me as thier friend) and I am in this apartment where all the bad memories happened. I want to get away from it all but everywhere I go his " ghost" is there or there is something to remind me of him. It is driving me insane. I also just want to talk to him without being all emotional. We have talked but I have thought of more things that I want to say and let me tell you I am a lot less emotional now than I was when we had that talk. I have been able to clear my head and put things into perspective better. I think that if we were to talk I would feel better. If we can not be together I do not want to be enemies. I do not want to live in a town where I am afraid to run into him because we hate each other. I just don't like to have enemies out there or have someone try to avoid me because they think that I am going to get all crazy upset when i see them. Yes I have done some crazy things in the past(like going over to his new place and screaming and yelling like an idiot because I wanted him to get EVERYTHING out of our apartment. He at first wanted to just take a break so that he could get his **** together and he was going to keep some of his stuff at our place. I was ok with it at first and was acutally relieved that we were not breaking up untill i kept on hearing stories of all the partying he was doing. I felt that he was just putting me on the back burner so that he could party and come back to me when he was done. Well that is not how it works with me. I was not going to put my life on hold so that he could go and party. It would have been different if he was going to aa meetings and really focusing on himself but I knew better than that. Ever since that day at his house I have felt like a complet idiot. The guys that he live with think I am a nut and probably are telling him that he is better off without me. In reallity though they have no idea how serious his problem is and if they do know ,they do not care at all about it as long as he pay's his rent. I am just so angry that he would rather be around those people who don't really give a **** about him. GRRRHHHH!!!
I know that I deserve better and some day's I feel ok but some days I just still get sad. THank you again for the reply. Every little bit of information helps.

StandingStrong

(((Designer)))

I can hear the pain in your post.

As I don't know your exbf or his family, I can only guess at answers to the questions that you asked. And that really wouldn't do any good for you. There was a time that I wanted answers to things - I needed alot of things. I didn't get the things that I really felt at the time that I needed in order to have closure and finally let go. My closure and answers came in different ways than I ever expected.

Obviously, your ex is moving on. I know that is painful for you to deal with. I remember many times feeling jealous and resentful of AH's life and I felt bitter sometimes that he seemed to "have a life" and I didn't. But then one day I realized that he was still drinking, still in debt, etc (really hadn't changed so much in the person he is) and I decided that it was time to change my own attitude and get my own life. Life has been better for me since I was able to accept the "what is" and work on myself and getting myself a life. This is not to say that occassionally I don't still harbor some ill feelings as I do (as this isn't fair to my children) but I just keep focusing on the reality of my situation and trying to make MY life better.

You know - you mentioned that you wanted to leave before but you felt trapped. You now have the opportunity to move on and create the life that you've wanted. And though it really doesn't seem like it now, this really may be a mixed blessing in the fact that the end of your relationship may really be the best thing that could have happened to you. Believe me when I tell you that I know you can't see that right now and you aren't really willing to look forward just yet - but it's time to focus on YOU.

On a sidenote, I'd like to add that AH and I have been married now for 18 years. We've been seperated 2 1/2 of those years. That's alot of years that I was "part of the family" and his parents even just a few months ago were still claiming to "love me like their daughter". But I have no contact with them. My AH doesn't pay child support for our children, one of my kids won't even see AH. AH has done some bad things. But you know what - his parents love him and they will continue to do so. (they also enable him but that's another story). My point is that you shouldn't feel that his own parents wouldn't want anything to do with him for awhile because of how he treated you - the reality is that he is their son. And truthfully, you don't know what they were told about your breaking up.
Please don't take it personally.

Hope you find some relief to these feelings you are having right now. I know it's hard.


Hey Designer: I remembered a post I'd made on here some time back so I went and found it for you. Just thought you might like to read it.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-life.html

DESIGNER

I guess I come from a family where there is some tough love. I come from a very normal average family. Good parents that love me but when I mess up they do not defend me. They tell me like it is and his family knows that he is messing up but yet no one ever speaks of it. I just wonder what it is going to take for them to open thier eyes. Is it thier son's death or him getting behind the wheel when he is drunk and killing someone else??? I guess that I do know that there is so much of a good person in my xbf and I want to protect him still and that is a huge part of my problem. It is just so hard to let go. Also I want to clear something up. I have been keeping myself busy. I am actually getting ready to go into a new design business and have been working on losiing weight and I have gone out with my girls and my sisters. It is just that this past sat I had nothing to do and when that happens it is hard to stay at home. I am moving forward but I just miss him still and wonder if he misses anything about me or still even thinks of me and feels bad!!!!!

splendra

(((DESIGNER))))

You are still sooooooooooo young. I know you feel sad and hurt and maybe even mad. However there are many fish in the sea. Try to talk to him if you must but, believe me you are probably better off not seeing him at all. Just also remember that when you are finally in a place that you feel like you can really move forward he will probably come draging his sorry butt back around you asking you to to take him back.

It is hard to totally get rid of an alcoholic/addict and you may find out about that sooner than you know cause he will most likely loose his job or get kicked out of where he is living now and then all of a sudden he will be telling you all about what a fool he has been. I'll eat my hat if something close to this senerio that I describe does not happen...

Their behaviors often hurt people around them but, they are not all that hard to predict.

I think you would be better off if you take very good care of yourself and move forward. Oh and be very gentle with yourself...

mazey

You will get stronger, and you will be better.....with a breakup, whatever the cause, it is hard to see them "appear" to be happy and having a "fun" life. BUT, you will be better in time and he won't! Hold on to that thought, and buiild on it. Little steps, and take you time to grieve and HEAL!

Cynay

I have been right where you are ..... Honestly the very best thing I did was no contact.... The family and friends we had in common I would politely ask them not to talk to me about him... I did not need to know.

The more I knew about what my ex was doing the more I obsessed about it, even making things up when I did not know for sure. You are probably not going to get the closure you want from him and the more you push him for it the less you will get. I did not get my answers from him.... but in time I am figuring it out for myself..... My last BF broke up with me a little over 2 months ago and again I have No Contact... I have no real answers as to why, but I do know that I did the best I could in that relationship and I have nothing to feel bad about.... whatever the issues are they are his issues, not mine

I dont expect his family/friends to call me, I dont check up on his life and if he has moved on.... yes I hurt but as time goes by I obsess less and less.... I keep the focus on me and the next right thing to do for my life and happiness. He made his decision and I love him enough to respect that decision and let the relationship end....

Work on you hon, you give him way too much room in your head with nothing in return but pain.

DESIGNER

I think the thing that is the hardest for me is that he was my first really long long term boyfriend and my first for a lot of things if you know what I mean(I waited for the right person- ha ha). i have never been that close to anyone else and it is hard to imagine myself being that close with another guy. I know that that is crazy but that is how I think at times. I am not afraid of never finding anyone else because I have been told that I will have no problem in that department and already a couple of other guys interested but It just is hard-ya know.
Another fear that I have is that I will see him on the streets one day and he will have cleaned up his life and will be with his wife and children and be the man that I know that he can be and I will still be single!!!! Probably not going to happen that way but that is just what I fear. I just want to hear that he has lost his current job and that he is not paying his friends the rent. It would make the break up easier but all I hear is how great he is doing now. That is pretty crappy that he couldn't be that way when we were together. I know that this sounds harsh but the only way that I want him to do good with his life is if he has complete sobriety and is really trying. God I know that I am just holding onto a dream. I need to just go find myself a man that is the person that I want xbf to be in the future. There are plenty of fish in the sea and I need to find one that already is put together so i don't have to take on the responsibilty of putting him together!!!!!

Cynay

Well Im not dating at the moment, I dont plan to get serious with anyone till I figure out myself and work on some weaknesses in my personality.

I have to be honest, at the end of my relationship with my exabf I was so hurt, angry, scared that I was not good for him, I did things that were pretty awful, not the least of which was yelling and showing how insane I had become.... I can understand why he would not want to be with a person that could only look at him with pain and hurt in her eyes.... I would not want to look into the eyes of my SO and feel like a failure all the time because I was not living MY life the way they wanted me too.

He is making a choice to live his life the way he is.... sweetie it is his life to live and letting go of thinking you know what is best for him is going to give you so much more senerity..... You have decided that is not the kind of life you want and that is your choice. Im not trying to be hurtful but I know how much harder it was on me when I would not let go of the relationship....

FormerDoormat

If the above quote is truly your dream, keep in mind that the longer you hold on to this broken relationship, the longer it will take you to move on with your life and achieve your dream.

Why do you care what his family thinks of you? You can't know what's in their heads and you can't control how they feel or think. The only thing that matters is what you think of yourself. You know you were a kind, loving, and loyal girlfriend. That's all that matters.

And why is it so important for you to keep in touch with your boyfriend? As much as you'd like to, you can't control his drinking, his behavior, who he chooses for friends, his family, and whether or not he calls you. The only thing you can control is your own actions.

You'll never be able to move forward in your life as long as you're still holding on to your former relationship--one that was obviously broken beyond repair.

Have you read the book, "It's Called a Break-up Because It's BROKEN? I think you might find it helpful. It will help you understand why you're trying to hold on to a relationship that's ended.

Sorry you're hurting so much. But the sooner you understand that you're only hurting yourself by holding on to a broken relationship, the sooner you'll be able to move on with your life and find a new, healthy, happy relationship.

splendra

I think it may come from issolating yourself and not getting the acknowledgement that you need in other areas of your life. What about your work? Your family? Your friends?

You don't have to be alone. Go to alanon meetings, go to church, find an activity that you are interested in and join a group that is centered on the activity or, take a class to learn how to do something mew and exciting....

Just don't waste your precious life and time being jealous of an alcoholic that you don't even want in the first place. Sometimes the only resolve you can get is to know that you are doing the right thing for you. If you talk to him I am sure he will just talk in circles(blaming you) and in the long run you may end-up feeling even more hurt and confused.

mallowcup

It isn't what it appears. He has no friends. They are people who share the same vice. You could be sitting in a dark room by yourself an dhe is still more alone than you are. He has the false sense that these are friends. I have come to look at that whole scene differently. Instead of seeing the crowd of funlovers he surrounded by, look at each one of them and realize that each and every one of them has a loved one sitting alone at home. Some of them are daddies, some mommies, some are wives or husbands. Some will screw up at their job, probaby at least one or two will get DWIs, one or two of them will get killed driving drunk or kill someone else. Most of them are spending money they shouldn't be. They will all lose sleep and wake up with some kind of hangover. Some will thorw up and some will find themselves pregnant. This desirable crowd of friends thins. At least one of their wives or husbands is home packing. At least one of their kids is crying or asking where mommy or daddy is. These are not people to envy.

blizzard77

If only I knew of this site at the begining of my relationship with AH who was then ABF, maybe I wouldn't be where I am today. He was my first love too and we reconnected after 12 yrs apart. You always hold a special place in your heart for your first love. It was a "dream" a "fantasy" my fantasy that I created in my head, the reality was he was an A.
Obsessing was my full time job back then. He was living in my head rent free and it literally was making me sick. You remind me so much of me when I was your age and in a similar situatiuon. The people here know what they're talking about. Keep coming back and remember you are not alone.

mazey

Okay, Sweetie, you are in Recovery mode....but, only you can decide if you want to begin to stop the pain. Self protection means to protect yourself. If you know something is going to hurt you, try very hard not to go there. eg: hearing what he is doing, trying to talk to him when the conversation WILLNOT be any better than it ever was. Leave the family alone for awhile.
Like Cynay says it is worse when you hear what he is doing and then we do tend to makeup stuff/imagine things also, which is so painful. Begin, by blocking it, shaking your head no when you start to "go there", it will come, it does not happen overnight. Things that will help is doing some other things, maybe stuff you use to enjoy. FILL YOUR TIME!! AND YOUR MIND ---
MINUS HIM IN IT! Don't feel so hopeless....it will come with your help, HOPE is out there....are you letting any in? Dream, imagine really great things-someone hotter than him, gifts, fun trips with a new guy-----but only when you have healed from him. You are young, so the ultimate in your mind right now is finding another guy. YOU WILL, but I'm willing to bet your HP isn't going to put him there till you have healed some..... and given up a little "hold" on the A. Maybe that will be incentive to get busy on YOURSELF!! It's hard, I so understand, but know that you will move ahead.
Remember my earlier post.....it 'appears'....he's not sincerely, heartfelt having fun and happy!! Re-read Mallow's post too!

DESIGNER

I felt better today. I just have my moments of weakness. I just got back from a meeting to start a new design project. I am very excited. I know that the focus just needs to be on me right now. I am trying very hard. I am working out more, hanging out with family and sisters more and going out of town some on the weekends. The thing that is so hard for me is just seeing all of my girlfriends getting married and I get calls all the time with them telling me that they are pregnant. I realize that God will give me all that in due time(when i am ready) but I just don't want to go through this life alone. I know that what the xbf is doing is not so great right now but honestly I did have a good person who was just sick.
I find it hard when the reality of it all hits. There have been times like tonight where i get so wrapped up in the moment and was excited about things, that for like an hour I didn't even think about the exbf and then I got into my car to leave and the reality of it hit that I was going home to an empty home. I hate that. I used to love coming home to him. He would not drink untill after i went to bed(or so I thought) but still he was always happy to see me and it felt good that someone was at home waiting for me. I will be ok. Like I said before some days are better than others. Thanks everyone for all the support.

mallowcup

I think you will find your creative juices will flow with genius. I hope you are so impressed with who you are and the caliber of your work, you'll realize how stiffling your relationship was.