"Accused" of being a good role model
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
"Accused" of being a good role model
Yes accused. It's so silly that I can hardly be sad about this can I?
ABF went to the bar and drank shots. Which for some reason really affects him differently than beer. In fact he becomes so rude that I'll not accept his treatment in that state ever again. I'm sure he won't remember today either.
We were going to take a walk in a park and he instructed me where to park my car. I did so and he opened a beer, just then a cops drives by and I also remark that the sign says you need a permit to park in this lot. Cops drives by again. I decide, though I know he'll protest, that I'm moving to another lot. He objects and I say fine then I'll take you home. I do.
Get home and realize my purse is at his house. So I call about that and instead get to get sarcastically congratulated on how I avoided a ticket in that percarious position I was in. On and on like that as he is witty and sharp toungued (sp?). Oh yes and the poor me story about how this is why he'll never be a good role model (he was recently cut from being a boy scout leader by his ex-wife for that reason). So now he's really got it in for people he calls "law abiding citizen's" And how ridiculous I am to refuse to listen to his judgement. To which I finally said "oh because your judgement always keeps you out of trouble huh?" he said "yeah" I said "yeah that's why you've been arrested and had a hit and run"...I went on and he hung up for the first time ever on me.
Was that low of me to point out his flaws? I lashed out in defense but was that wrong. Oh he won't even remember!! who am I kidding?
I know this story is probably pretty mild but it helps just to get it out to people who understand. This might be a turning point. He may just be right. Maybe I am too law abiding for him and I refuse to feel bad about that! This is a fundamental issue. he has little respect for authority and laws and cops. And I'd die of embarrassment if I were ever arrested!!!!
thanks for listening.
ABF went to the bar and drank shots. Which for some reason really affects him differently than beer. In fact he becomes so rude that I'll not accept his treatment in that state ever again. I'm sure he won't remember today either.
We were going to take a walk in a park and he instructed me where to park my car. I did so and he opened a beer, just then a cops drives by and I also remark that the sign says you need a permit to park in this lot. Cops drives by again. I decide, though I know he'll protest, that I'm moving to another lot. He objects and I say fine then I'll take you home. I do.
Get home and realize my purse is at his house. So I call about that and instead get to get sarcastically congratulated on how I avoided a ticket in that percarious position I was in. On and on like that as he is witty and sharp toungued (sp?). Oh yes and the poor me story about how this is why he'll never be a good role model (he was recently cut from being a boy scout leader by his ex-wife for that reason). So now he's really got it in for people he calls "law abiding citizen's" And how ridiculous I am to refuse to listen to his judgement. To which I finally said "oh because your judgement always keeps you out of trouble huh?" he said "yeah" I said "yeah that's why you've been arrested and had a hit and run"...I went on and he hung up for the first time ever on me.
Was that low of me to point out his flaws? I lashed out in defense but was that wrong. Oh he won't even remember!! who am I kidding?
I know this story is probably pretty mild but it helps just to get it out to people who understand. This might be a turning point. He may just be right. Maybe I am too law abiding for him and I refuse to feel bad about that! This is a fundamental issue. he has little respect for authority and laws and cops. And I'd die of embarrassment if I were ever arrested!!!!
thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Oh yes and the poor me story about how this is why he'll never be a good role model (he was recently cut from being a boy scout leader by his ex-wife for that reason).
I had to learn to pay attention to that. When they say they are not good enough for me?..... I need to listen. They use it as a lure to get you to defend them and turn the attention away from the issue.... but if they say things like that its probably true.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hi sketscher
the alcoholic always tries to make others guilty of everything imaginable. they gotta keep us confused so they can do their thing. they will do anything to keep the focus off themselves.
know what ya mean bout lashing out....done it myself many times. doesn't matter a damn bit to them cept now they can stamp the incident....."mission accomplished"......mission being pushing our buttons till we boil over and look like the nut....and their just standin there lookin all offended, innocent, picked on. poor babies.
god bless
jeri
the alcoholic always tries to make others guilty of everything imaginable. they gotta keep us confused so they can do their thing. they will do anything to keep the focus off themselves.
know what ya mean bout lashing out....done it myself many times. doesn't matter a damn bit to them cept now they can stamp the incident....."mission accomplished"......mission being pushing our buttons till we boil over and look like the nut....and their just standin there lookin all offended, innocent, picked on. poor babies.
god bless
jeri
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
Posts: 378
Yes, I can see that. I play into building him up or at least try to be on his side when it seems others are not. I do it because I'd hope someone would do the same for me when I'm down. Except, he doesn't.
You're right. I mean he really does know he's not a great role model. I don't know what he expects people to think anyway. And why is he attracted to women who are not like him? If he's just going to resist my opinion then why does he bother?
Do I need to explain my feelings to him? What my limits are. What my beliefs are? Do I tell him the story of what happened if he doesn't remember and explain that I think perhaps he's right that I am just what he say's. Would this actually do any good for either of us?
or do I simply let this go and realize that he'll just never understand that he hurts people when he's drunk?
You're right. I mean he really does know he's not a great role model. I don't know what he expects people to think anyway. And why is he attracted to women who are not like him? If he's just going to resist my opinion then why does he bother?
Do I need to explain my feelings to him? What my limits are. What my beliefs are? Do I tell him the story of what happened if he doesn't remember and explain that I think perhaps he's right that I am just what he say's. Would this actually do any good for either of us?
or do I simply let this go and realize that he'll just never understand that he hurts people when he's drunk?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Ya know sketscher, it took me a really long time to really see the low self esteem, 'poor me' attitude that AH has. For many years, I thought he was strong, self assured, and even sometimes came across arrogant. (though of course I didn't think he knew that he came across that way).
My stbxAH also does the "poor me" attitude, the "feel sorry for me" thing. I used to play into it and try to rebuild his confidence, I'd argue with him and tell him how I saw him - but you know, what good did it really do? None! He wasn't about to change cuz he just chose not too.
I think what I'd recommend asking right now is if this is the man that you want to spend your life with? Can you accept him as he is right now, today?
I'm sure you've explained your feelings before, your limits, and your beliefs. So would it do any good to explain it again? I'm guessing that it probably wouldn't. If you've told him this stuff already and he was sober enough to hear you, then he already knows how you feel.
As for the lashing out - I think that most (if not all of us) have been there before. I've been to the point of really being verbally abusive to AH - to the point of realizing that I was indeed becoming the abuser! I had learned over the years the art of fighting, arguing, slamming on one's faults, and degrading. I'd learned alot of bad habits from years of arguing with AH. I'd learned to fight like him. I believe it was a defense mechanism that started long ago that grew into what was normal for us. Today, I have to be careful what I say, how I react to something, and always, I try to remain as calm as possible (though even then, I can calmly and quietly rip a person apart in a tone no louder or menacing than a normal tone).
I'd think that you feeling as you do is a good sign. You recognize that maybe the situation could have been handled differently, therefore you have the chance to learn from this and work harder to not let it happen again. I feel though I'd like to point out that you allowed the conversation to go as far as it did before it escalated to the point of you getting angry. Perhaps it would have been best had you ended the call sooner.
You know how one is when drinking/drunk. There is no reasoning with them.
--Sidenote to that is that I, too, have been accused of being a good role model, a perfect person, and a know it all, etc. Some said nicely and some said with bitter sarcasm. It does not change my beliefs nor feelings. I wonder sometimes if AH says these things because he's commented before that he always has felt that I was above him, better class. He's felt this way since we were kids. I think it's his way of projecting his low self esteem onto me/comparing to me. Just my thoughts.--
My stbxAH also does the "poor me" attitude, the "feel sorry for me" thing. I used to play into it and try to rebuild his confidence, I'd argue with him and tell him how I saw him - but you know, what good did it really do? None! He wasn't about to change cuz he just chose not too.
I think what I'd recommend asking right now is if this is the man that you want to spend your life with? Can you accept him as he is right now, today?
I'm sure you've explained your feelings before, your limits, and your beliefs. So would it do any good to explain it again? I'm guessing that it probably wouldn't. If you've told him this stuff already and he was sober enough to hear you, then he already knows how you feel.
As for the lashing out - I think that most (if not all of us) have been there before. I've been to the point of really being verbally abusive to AH - to the point of realizing that I was indeed becoming the abuser! I had learned over the years the art of fighting, arguing, slamming on one's faults, and degrading. I'd learned alot of bad habits from years of arguing with AH. I'd learned to fight like him. I believe it was a defense mechanism that started long ago that grew into what was normal for us. Today, I have to be careful what I say, how I react to something, and always, I try to remain as calm as possible (though even then, I can calmly and quietly rip a person apart in a tone no louder or menacing than a normal tone).
I'd think that you feeling as you do is a good sign. You recognize that maybe the situation could have been handled differently, therefore you have the chance to learn from this and work harder to not let it happen again. I feel though I'd like to point out that you allowed the conversation to go as far as it did before it escalated to the point of you getting angry. Perhaps it would have been best had you ended the call sooner.
You know how one is when drinking/drunk. There is no reasoning with them.
--Sidenote to that is that I, too, have been accused of being a good role model, a perfect person, and a know it all, etc. Some said nicely and some said with bitter sarcasm. It does not change my beliefs nor feelings. I wonder sometimes if AH says these things because he's commented before that he always has felt that I was above him, better class. He's felt this way since we were kids. I think it's his way of projecting his low self esteem onto me/comparing to me. Just my thoughts.--
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
morning
something came to mind this morning bout how my axh "accused" me of crap all the time. he is a binge drinker, usually for about 6 weeks at a time, then sobers up when he bout dies from it, and when he is sober......a mean, dry drunk. feels persecuted by all, poor me, poor me, see how bad everyone is to me.....if i moved the furniture, i was trying to f*** him up, if i did needlework, i was punishing him by taking "his time" away from him, if i talked for a few moments on the phone, i paid attention to everyone else but him......on and on and on.
so one night he says, in accusatory tone, with miserable intent dripping from his lips.....what do you have for dinner???? .........i say....chicken....he looks like i have just slapped him in the face, called his parents incestuous cretins, and offended his very right to breath.........IS IT DEAD????, he asks, with all the contempt in the world......well, hell yah, it's dead, fool!!!!!! YA THINK I COULD PUT A LIVE CHICKEN IN FRONT OF YOU AND IT'S GONNA LET YOU EAT IT, @$$-HOLE!!!!!?????? you would have thought i had just asked him to eat his own liver.....with onions.
he was lookin for crap....just lookin for something to feed his misery so that he would be justified in going on another drunk. he did it 24/7, and it was just second nature for him to pick, pick, pick.....the chicken thing just slipped up on him.....even he knew he was busted big time. lol
god bless
jeri
you can't win with them.
something came to mind this morning bout how my axh "accused" me of crap all the time. he is a binge drinker, usually for about 6 weeks at a time, then sobers up when he bout dies from it, and when he is sober......a mean, dry drunk. feels persecuted by all, poor me, poor me, see how bad everyone is to me.....if i moved the furniture, i was trying to f*** him up, if i did needlework, i was punishing him by taking "his time" away from him, if i talked for a few moments on the phone, i paid attention to everyone else but him......on and on and on.
so one night he says, in accusatory tone, with miserable intent dripping from his lips.....what do you have for dinner???? .........i say....chicken....he looks like i have just slapped him in the face, called his parents incestuous cretins, and offended his very right to breath.........IS IT DEAD????, he asks, with all the contempt in the world......well, hell yah, it's dead, fool!!!!!! YA THINK I COULD PUT A LIVE CHICKEN IN FRONT OF YOU AND IT'S GONNA LET YOU EAT IT, @$$-HOLE!!!!!?????? you would have thought i had just asked him to eat his own liver.....with onions.
he was lookin for crap....just lookin for something to feed his misery so that he would be justified in going on another drunk. he did it 24/7, and it was just second nature for him to pick, pick, pick.....the chicken thing just slipped up on him.....even he knew he was busted big time. lol
god bless
jeri
you can't win with them.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Jeri, I know it wasn't funny to you at the time but I am sitting here cracking up at your chicken incident. OMG!!!!! I got a visual of you setting a live chicken on his plate! Thanks for the smile!
Kellye
Kellye
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I play into building him up or at least try to be on his side when it seems others are not. I do it because I'd hope someone would do the same for me when I'm down.
The best thing I can do "for" them, is to set boundaries for me.
I wish you the best.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
About the venting,etc. I read good things about that in "Getting Them Sober". Of course it is natural for us to get frustrated and loose our cool around active (and dry) alcoholics.....but whose serentity does it really disturb? Often my AH coould/would neither hear it or remember what I said (so why bother?) or he was happy to use it as the excuse-de-jour for his drinking and rude behavior. I get emotionally drained and then this guilt about yelling,being "mean",etc and I am also unhappy with myself for the behavior that I do not like in myself. THAT is the reason I have found to try not to take the bait;to disengage from the alcoholic insanity;let him be left with his own alcoholic chaos and crankiness. I don't want it. (Easier said than done sometimes,but that is my goal..FOR ME!)
I finally learned that what I say made no difference because actually, it is usually nonsense to begin with...why feel a need to defend myself from it? Like a toddler, my AH increased the behaviors when I started to ignore them,but finally started to see that I was no longer buying what he was trying to sell.
Helped me shorten the "crazy-loop"....probably even helps him to have it left in his lap.
Boundaries are for you.
Good luck. (Earplugs are nice things,too
)
I finally learned that what I say made no difference because actually, it is usually nonsense to begin with...why feel a need to defend myself from it? Like a toddler, my AH increased the behaviors when I started to ignore them,but finally started to see that I was no longer buying what he was trying to sell.
Helped me shorten the "crazy-loop"....probably even helps him to have it left in his lap.
Boundaries are for you.
Good luck. (Earplugs are nice things,too
)
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