aliveagain

It's a little after midnight and here I am sitting in my new place all by myself. Nights like this are dangerous. This is when I start second guessing my decision. He emailed and called this week and I am pretty sure he was actually sober both times. Sober discussions always leave me heartbroken.... That's when the loneliness comes creeping up on me.

I have found myself wondering a lot lately if I ever really loved him or even if I know what real love is. But why on earth would I have stayed for so long if I didn't love him? So I've been doing some soul searching tonight about why I stayed and here is what I have figured out:

1. I stayed because the energy I put into trying to fix him left me without enough strength to leave.
2. I stayed because the craziness and unstability of his addiction made me addicted to him.
3. I stayed because the drunkenness that led to verbal and physical abuse left me hating myself and tricked me into thinking I didn't deserve anything better.
4. I stayed because of all the times he threatened to hurt me or my family if I left.
5. I stayed because of the future I thought we would have "once he's sober".
6. I stayed because I loved the man I knew in my heart he could be.
7. I stayed because I was waiting for the man I met and fell in love with to come back to me.
8. I stayed because I had invested so many years of my life into the relationship.
9. I stayed because the idea of being alone and starting over terrified me.
10. I stayed because I was afraid of living.

So you see.... 10 reasons for why I stayed in the relationship. How many of those involved truly loving him for who and what he actually was? Not one! Did I ever really love him? Do I really know what love is? You betcha!! How do I know? Because I left.... I love him so much that I will let him fall and decide for himself if he wants to get back up. I love myself enough to make the changes in my life that will make me happy. I love us both enough to finally admit this means no contact for however long it takes and that there very well may never be a "we" again. Yes I know what love is and right now it sucks!

mallowcup

Love never sucks. Not being loved sucks. Love feels safe, it feels secure, it means you have someone who will pick you up an dust you off when you fall, it is having someone who factors in your well being. Love can endure hard things. Love treats another with kindness, it makes you feel precious. I understand your list. What would your husbands list be. You love him. What list would include all the things that would show all the reciprocations?
1. He left you exhausted. He did not energize or encourage you.
2. Love and addiction are not the same thing.
3. He hit you and said horrible things to you.
4. He threatened hurting your family and you knew he meant it.
5. He never got sober.
6. He was the least he could be , never his best.
7. He is an imposter but he is capable of being a nice giu to get what he wants.
8. He is a taker.
9. He made promises he didn't keep and he used your fears. He created fear not love.
10. He broke your spirit.
I think you left because NOT BEING LOVED hurts.

Your statements reflect who you are, his actions reflect who he is.

mazey

I, too, had alot of these thoughts. AND, Mallow is right...the not being loved is most often why we leave. It takes awhile to realize it tho. They are the ones who don't understand love! of another human!/spouse/gf. Not that they never show love, just when they want to: for a reason, like keeping us there or for their wants/needs. Not consistently, easily day to day like we deserve and should have to live this life with content and joy.

Ayers1995

It takes alot of courage and strength to take action in your own life. I hope that when you do have those moments when it seems too much you will come here and post.... I am very encouraged by you. Thanks for posting this...

Ayers

mallowcup

It is very encourgaing.

Pony

Aliveagain, I think you did a very heakthy thing. Instead of sitting there giving into that loneliness, you did something positive. Something that reminded or confirmed for you why you made those changes in your life that you did. Very good !!

I know starting a new can be very hard and lonely, but what is the alternative......living the way you were.........no, moving on that's where it is at.

Not sure what you do and all, but have you thought about just getting out inot the community and finding a project or hobby that will fill some of that lonely time and energy til you get your footing??? Just a thought.

Welcome here, glad you found us.

mallowcup

Just know that this is a transition time. You are in the process of exorcizing yourself of many emotional and mental toxins. This wil pass and the sun will come streaming into your beautiful new apt. None in your apt can say nasty things, they can't use you or hurt you. You have the first word and the last. This is a new place of kindness and no negative energy may enter. I would make a sign and put it right over the front door. "Heaven on earth".

mallowcup

Everyone needs a safe mental haven. Even if it is a closet!

denny57

Doing what we know is right is one of the hardest things. You will be glad you did this.

loristreily

I recommend a book I am reading called Too good to leave, Too bad to stay. So far in what I've read gives you clear choices and is concise. Take care of yourself first and foremost because noone else will.

aliveagain

Mallowcup I think you hit the nail on the head. I was very tired of not feeling like I was loved. Ultimately it does boil down to that. I want to be loved. I want to feel safe. I want to be happy.

If I am ever going to have that I have to first learn to love myself and take care of myself. It's a very foreign concept to me, but I'm working on it.