How do you know?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: ND
Posts: 32
How do you know?
Ok so I attend al-anon and feel like I am getting a pretty good grip on it's ways and how I need to take care of and worry about me.
I have an issue and I am looking for some insight from others that have had a similar experience.
FIRST... a quick history on my situation...
My fiance is my A. I have postponed the wedding and no new date is going to be set for now. I didn't know he had a drinking problem, he was very secretive and we don't live together. He checked himself into outpatient rehab over 2 months ago and didn't drink for 2 months. Then 2 weeks ago he had a slip and drank one night.
He is extremely depressed. He sleeps all day, eats unhealthy food, doesn't exercise, works 3 days a week, basically just slides on by.
I work a full time job and run my own small business on the side. So I work over 60 hours a week. Today when I got off work I stoppped by his place and he was still in bed. He seems mad at himself but doesn't get up.
So I guess I am just wondering if others have experienced this with their A. I have heard in al-anon all about how alcoholism is a disease and if he had cancer I wouldn't leave. BUT... I do love him and want the best for him, it is so hard to participate in a life with him when he doesn't participate in his own. So he is a depressed alcoholic. How do I justify leaving if he is a sick human being that needs help. He is an adult and I am learning in al anon not to be a caretaker. If he is clinically depressed do I step in?
Do I walk away? I can't do this my whole life and I do deserve better from him. But if it is depression, he has a very good chance of becoming healthy again.
Oh man I just keep running circles in my head...HELP!
thanks
I have an issue and I am looking for some insight from others that have had a similar experience.
FIRST... a quick history on my situation...
My fiance is my A. I have postponed the wedding and no new date is going to be set for now. I didn't know he had a drinking problem, he was very secretive and we don't live together. He checked himself into outpatient rehab over 2 months ago and didn't drink for 2 months. Then 2 weeks ago he had a slip and drank one night.
He is extremely depressed. He sleeps all day, eats unhealthy food, doesn't exercise, works 3 days a week, basically just slides on by.
I work a full time job and run my own small business on the side. So I work over 60 hours a week. Today when I got off work I stoppped by his place and he was still in bed. He seems mad at himself but doesn't get up.
So I guess I am just wondering if others have experienced this with their A. I have heard in al-anon all about how alcoholism is a disease and if he had cancer I wouldn't leave. BUT... I do love him and want the best for him, it is so hard to participate in a life with him when he doesn't participate in his own. So he is a depressed alcoholic. How do I justify leaving if he is a sick human being that needs help. He is an adult and I am learning in al anon not to be a caretaker. If he is clinically depressed do I step in?
Do I walk away? I can't do this my whole life and I do deserve better from him. But if it is depression, he has a very good chance of becoming healthy again.
Oh man I just keep running circles in my head...HELP!
thanks
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Well hon look at it this way....
If he had cancer, that was treatable, and he did nothing to help himself would you feel obligated to stay with him and watch him die?
I know the guilt gets to us, but if you were to decide to take some time away from the relationship to decide how you feel and what you want, what would be the harm? He does not live with you nor do you pay his bills... so its not like your kicking him to the curb.... you are only taking time out for yourself to figure it all out without being in the middle of the chaos.
You might want to ask yourself ..... Will you be happy with him If he stays just like he is today, because if you cant accept this in a relationship and accept him just as he is today...... If not you need to remember you only have what is here and now... you never know what tommrow brings.
If he had cancer, that was treatable, and he did nothing to help himself would you feel obligated to stay with him and watch him die?
I know the guilt gets to us, but if you were to decide to take some time away from the relationship to decide how you feel and what you want, what would be the harm? He does not live with you nor do you pay his bills... so its not like your kicking him to the curb.... you are only taking time out for yourself to figure it all out without being in the middle of the chaos.
You might want to ask yourself ..... Will you be happy with him If he stays just like he is today, because if you cant accept this in a relationship and accept him just as he is today...... If not you need to remember you only have what is here and now... you never know what tommrow brings.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
Don't think if I have any advice but I know what it's like living with a depressed AH that just slides by. He's been sober 9 months, barely attends AA, has not even tried to get a sponsor. Say's "he's dragging his feet and he don't know why."
We're also in therapy, his idea. I was ready for divorce but because he has been sober after 20 yrs of active addiction and it's made me see that what I once thought was impossible (him going to rehab and quitting) did happen. I really believe he NEEDS a program, but that's not my decision. With the conuselor's help we've agreed on 6 months of therapy. If nothing changes I will be looking into divorce. I'm 35 yrs old and I won't continue to live this way for the next 35 yrs. I'm committed to working on my issues. I'm not so sure about him but then again like I said I NEVER thought he'd ever get sober, so I'd say I'm cautiously optomistic at this point. Hope others come by to give you some good advice. Sorry I don't have any for you, seems I'm in the same or similar boat that you are in. Best Wishes to you.
We're also in therapy, his idea. I was ready for divorce but because he has been sober after 20 yrs of active addiction and it's made me see that what I once thought was impossible (him going to rehab and quitting) did happen. I really believe he NEEDS a program, but that's not my decision. With the conuselor's help we've agreed on 6 months of therapy. If nothing changes I will be looking into divorce. I'm 35 yrs old and I won't continue to live this way for the next 35 yrs. I'm committed to working on my issues. I'm not so sure about him but then again like I said I NEVER thought he'd ever get sober, so I'd say I'm cautiously optomistic at this point. Hope others come by to give you some good advice. Sorry I don't have any for you, seems I'm in the same or similar boat that you are in. Best Wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I don't think it has to be black or white - walk away or stay. You can continue to live your life to its fullest, stick to your decision to not set a new date for a wedding, etc. You cannot help someone who will not help themselves.
I had to realize I was not my AH's mother, nurse, doctor or therapist. I wanted a fully present husband. I also realized I cannot get him to seek help, he has to want it for himself. As much as it has hurt these past years seeing him slowly die from his addiction, I feel I did my best and have no regrets for moving on.
It's extremely sad. I sometimes think about regrets and I guess if I have one it is that I knew or heard nothing about enabling much earlier. I tend to believe both of our lives would have been better much sooner. Al-Anon teaches me we all get there at the right exact time. I'm still working on that one. :-)
Take care of yourself and keep posting.
I had to realize I was not my AH's mother, nurse, doctor or therapist. I wanted a fully present husband. I also realized I cannot get him to seek help, he has to want it for himself. As much as it has hurt these past years seeing him slowly die from his addiction, I feel I did my best and have no regrets for moving on.
It's extremely sad. I sometimes think about regrets and I guess if I have one it is that I knew or heard nothing about enabling much earlier. I tend to believe both of our lives would have been better much sooner. Al-Anon teaches me we all get there at the right exact time. I'm still working on that one. :-)
Take care of yourself and keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: ND
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by Cynay
Well hon look at it this way....
If he had cancer, that was treatable, and he did nothing to help himself would you feel obligated to stay with him and watch him die?
If he had cancer, that was treatable, and he did nothing to help himself would you feel obligated to stay with him and watch him die?
This is a good way to look at it. Thanks for this. No I would not feel obligated to stay and watch him die but I know that I would feel the need to check up on him and see how he is doing. This is a fear I have about leaving. I don't know how fully I could leave. We live 5 blocks apart and I drive by his place everyday. I would be constantly worried and want to check up...HELLO AL ANON...I know!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
proceed with caution dear.........it is, what it is. and what you see is what you get. we CANNOT change them. we CANNOT love them enough to make them better. we only make ourselves sick. and sicker. and sicker. and sicker.
god bless
jeri
god bless
jeri
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Recoveryville, USA
Posts: 1,297
Sounds like he is isolating in his home and filled with fear.
If his behavior towards you is hurtful, you are not obligated to accept it.
If he had cancer, and that disease rotted his brain and made him abuse you verbally, physically or in any way, you would also not be obligated to stay.
Compassion for the sick is a must, volunteering to be run over by the sick is NOT.
If his behavior towards you is hurtful, you are not obligated to accept it.
If he had cancer, and that disease rotted his brain and made him abuse you verbally, physically or in any way, you would also not be obligated to stay.
Compassion for the sick is a must, volunteering to be run over by the sick is NOT.
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